I was dx prim + bone metz in June, 09. After the initial shock and panic, my life is a bit calmer now.
Mum found it very hard to accept my dx. However, she has done lots of practical things for me when she was with me. She’s been to my apps and met my onc and was told my exact situation. However, recently, she came up with the following:“No, you haven’t got secondary! Soon, they’ll be able to do an op and your cancer will be gone.” That’s despite my onc told her that an op won’t be offered in the near future.
Even though I’m stable (I think) at the mo, having secondary means that there is a possibility that I won’t outlive my mum (I’m in my 20s, and mum is in her 50s). I’m worried that if things do go wrong, she’s not going to be able to cope. I don’t think she’s very realistic about my health and not prepared at all for the worst. However, this might be her way of dealing with my illness.
I don’t want to knock too much negative thoughts into her mind but I do think she need to be prepared for what might happen, even though it might not happen at all.
Anyone in a similar situation with their loved ones (doesn’t have to be mums)? Would be great to know what’s the best to do for her: leave her alone or keep on telling her the truth?
I am in my 50’s and I have a son who is 30. Speaking from a mums point of view I would find it very difficult to accept that my baby could possibly die before me. I think its every mums worst nightmare. I think its very difficult to accept losing our loved ones, be it through cancer or any other illness. It is especially hard for a parent to lose their child. I think deep down she knows what may happen but isn’t ready to accept it. Maybe in time she will do.
How sad that someone so young is on this journey. As a mum I would also find it very difficult to accept and hence I wouldn’t want my child to remind me of what could happen but to let me hope that she/he will outlive me.
I have put for you below the link to BCC’s publication ‘In it together’ which may be helpful to your mum. You can either download a copy directly or ask for a copy to be posted out to you, free of charge.
Your mum may also find it helpful to talk to someone independent of the family, so the helpline here may be useful where she can talk about how she feels about your diagnosis. Calls to the helpline are free 0808 800 6000.
Good Morning
I agree with aqua, i was diagnosed in 2007 aged 36 with grade 3 ibc, i went throught the works, in dec 09 i was diagnosed with liver secondarys this was such a bolt out of the blue and my mum and dad went into meltdown ( i am married with 2 children) i think its worse for my mum and dad its every parents nightmare when their children are ill no matter what age you are, and your mum will know the implicaions of the disease but is probably not wanting to accept it i know my mum tells me all the time about how fantastic new treatments are , i am going for my scan today the 1st one since going back on chemo i havent told my parents and i feel so guilty but i just want to spare them the augony of waiting for results
love galen x
I’m quite a bit older than you I’m 46 and my mum’s 78. I was daignosed 3 years ago with grade 1 DCIS and no spread. I made a rapid recovery and up til last year was fit and well.
After being daignosed with secondary cancer my mum went into melt down as previous posts have said. She says things like you’ll be fine you’re so strong and will get over it. Its quite hard for her cope with as at the moment I’m doing quite well, but she doesn’t see me on my bad days.
think I its the only way she can deal with it. If you don’t talk about it, it isn’t happening. So we do as much as we can together and I rarely mention the cancer. Its almost like an understanding we have which really annoys my sisters.
I think we all deal with things in our own way and denial is a coping strategy my mum uses and thinking about it always has. I think I’ve done as much as I possibly can to prepare her that I might not be around. But lets hope we all be around for a good while to come.
Love to you because this is a hard one for all concerned.
So sorry you are in this position at such a young age. I’m also a lot older at 48 and my mum is 74 but age doesn’t seem to matter when it comes to losing a child. My mum has cancer too so in reality she knows exactly what I am facing. My cancer is a much more aggressive type than hers and she won’t discuss the possibility that she might outlive me. It is her coping strategy and I have decided to let it be rather than worry her about what might or might not be. My sister lost her 18 year old son last year and nothing could have prepared her (or us) for it. Knowing what we all went through I’m not sure that anything I say now would help my mum anyway.
I can understand you wanting to make sure she copes though so if you have siblings or your mum has close friends maybe you could discuss with them what they will do to comfort her if the worse happens.
Hi to M1yu and Galen.
I have no answers just more questions.
It feels a relief in some way to hear other people in a similar situation and to be able to look for advice. I have not as yet felt able to tell my parents of my secondary diagnosis (liver and bones) as after first treatment in dec and jan with wle and anc the surgeon thought all was positive with only 2 nodes affected and my folks were so happy. Unfortunately scans then showed it had already spread.
I don’t know how to tell them especially as my Gran is very poorly at the moment and I don’t want to add to the burden or do I just keep quiet.
It is good to have a place to ask questions with no obvious answers.
Thinking of you all
Hi , my mum is is her 50s, and lost her mum to breast cancer. Although I keep her up to date with what’s going on, she doesn’t like to talk about the implications, and I respect that as her way of coping. She is a practical support rather than an emotional support, which is fine,although I do worry about how she will cope when I really start to deteriorate.
nicky
Thanks ladies for your kind words & Jo for the link. I’ll consider it. I guess there is no right or wrong way of dealing with it.
It took me ages to muster up the courage to tell mum initially, she then blamed me for not telling her earlier so that she can offer “her words of wisdom” (she doesn’t really know much about bc and none in the family has had it). After I told her every detail, she commented “that can’t be true”. So, I don’t really know how much I should tell her now.
Maybe there is nothing I could do to prepare her for her worst nightmare. Like GB’s mum, my mum tells me about all sorts of treatments, conventional and alternative, which is actually tiring me out. Thankfully, she has stopped doing that now! She is trying to hold on to that non-existent hope of that one day, I’ll be cancer free. Even though I told her that having secondaries doesn’t mean I won’t be able to enjoy life, yet, she just doesn’t like having that “sticker”.
Hope I will be around long enough for mum to accept my dx.
Thanks ladies. Have to read your comforting words again another time.