So on top of all the cancer blah blah I appear to be having a complete insane meltdown. I don’t know why but I suddenly have intense securities that I can’t deal with, but if I can’t sort myself out I’m scared I’m going to do damage I can’t undo. Basically I seem to have got it into my head that this deformed, balding, bloated version of myself is repulsive to my husband and he’s going to leave me and/or run off with a younger model as soon as he can.
I’ve never been like this. I mean, I’ve had little insecurities about things, like we all do, but not this gnawing, cloying, clawing certainty that he can’t bear to look at me without gagging. Husband is pretty upset that I feel like this and despite trying to reassure me as best he can I can tell he is hurt. He is five years younger than me, only 42, and I can’t help thinking he could quite easily be with a woman in her early 30s…the age difference has never been an issue as I’ve always been quite young for my age but now I feel like a 90 year old and very soon I’m going to look like one, as the last vestiges of my hair are falling thick and fast.
I’ve cried nearly all day. I can’t fathom how someone as vibrant and young and full of energy as my husband can cope with being shackled to a bloated, sickly, maimed, bald old woman.
What on EARTH is wrong with me?? Am I having some kind of breakdown??! Even as Im thinking these thoughts my rational self is telling me not to be silly but my brain just keeps right on thinking them. I seriously think I’m losing my marbles!!
Awww sending strength to you….
I am having very similar thoughts and in a couple of days we will look back and think how irrational was that !
My eyelashes have started departing today and I just feel like I will never feel attractive again.
Just put this day down to not being a good one …and they can only get better
Aw thank you for your reply and sorry you are having similar thoughts - it’s not pleasant at all is it
I’ve not lost lashes yet but I’ve randomly lost half of one eyebrow??? I’ve easily lost over 50% of my hair now and what is left is sparse and straggly…I suspect I will shave it off before the weekend is out
Things can only get better
I think the hair loss thing is massive and that’s nothing compared to the emotional and physical burden we are all dealing with.
Rest well…
Dear @sharlou ,
You ask what is wrong with you- well, I’d say you are going through one of the most horrible, frightening times anyone can, and you are responding in a completely normal manner. Of course you have dreadful insecurities-hair loss on top of having to deal with your diagnosis- how it can affect relationships-and losing your hair is pretty major for anyone, especially a woman. It will get better- easy to say- but you will have ups and downs along the way. Can you get any counselling? I found it helpful. It didn’t take it all away but helped me cope.
You ask what is wrong with you. You have Cancer. You are in pain and fear and worried for the future. That’s what is wrong with you.
Your husband is probably trying to be as supportive as he can whilst coping with his own fears. It is hard to see a loved one suffering and feel powerless.
But you will have to be strong. Head down, one foot infront of the other until you are at the end of your cancer journey and slowly your beautiful self will re-emerge. Don’t contribute to a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Hi
Its awful somedays isnt it and you’ve got so little control over everything and need to trust that everyone and everything is going to be ok but now have huge anxiety and concernd that it isnt
I would urge you to talk to MacMillan for some free counselling and to your GP and team about how you are feeling
In the meantime find a Maggie centre near you and start making lists of small treats and lovely things you can aim for and do now or in the next few weeks with friends and family even a short walk a cuppa or a meal out, a pizza night, a movie night, a future pamper day etc will help
I would also suggest looking at the Look Good Feel Better, Headwrappers and Cancer Hair care sites as they have lots of practical and supportive information and workshops where you will be 100% supported and given tons of help
I know it all looks like hell at the moment but you will come out the other side just be kind to yourself ( and your hubbie)
You are loved
Hi @sharlou. From your photo I can see that you are lovely looking. I’m the same age and I have the same thoughts but I try to block them out. My husband seems unbothered by my new cancer look, but I look at my reflection and I think wtaf! I’m bald, spotty and bloated. I’m sure your husband is probably in awe of your strength. Ask your self, would you leave him if he was ill? Of course not…this is a year in a life together of years and years, a year he is totally capable of managing through. I’m having my 3rd EC on friday. Try imagining going out for dinner after you ring the bell or booking a holiday for next summer.
I think my husband would be happy if i stayed awake past 8pm!
Based on what you are going through, I’d say your feelings are not only completely normal and understandable, but probably expected. I don’t think you will be able to make those feelings go away completely until all this is over, just be as kind to yourself as you can be, and try to picture the reverse - if it was your husband going through this, how would you feel about him? He loves you, hold on to that thought. Counselling might help you deal with some of the many emotions that come with both cancer and the harsh treatments, and talking to people about how you feel (this is a good place!).
Sending you a hug.
Lisa x
You are not losing your marbles it is natural to have all these thoughts that would normally be alien to you.
Age is only a number it has not caused problems before so why should it now.
How you feel is down to the shock of the diagnosis and the horrible treatment.
I don’t know if you watch Strictly Come Dancing, Amy Dowden was diagnosed with breast cancer last year, she has been through the treatment and this year is looking fabulous and is one of the dancers in the competition.
I have been through it twice fortunately the 2nd time it was spotted very early meaning less dramatic treatment.
I also felt why would my husband want to be with me and he said why not it is you I love the person The point is beauty is only skin deep the real beauty is within.
You are still the beautiful person that your husband fell in love with.
I made the mistake of thinking I am the only one hurting not true.
I am sure that if my husband could have he would have exchanged places with me.
When my hair got to the point that it had given up with a few spikes here and there. I made the decision to remove the remainder of my hair, this my husband did for me, we cried together he felt my pain.
Talk to your husband let him share how you both feel, I bet he feels guilty and helpless because he could not protect you.
We shared a mantra which he would say what do we say… Simply F Off cancer you are not getting me. It worked just something we shared.
Please look at Amy Dowden and be inspired, your hair will grown back quite quickly at least this time of year a woolly hat is more or less mandatory.
All will be well and in many ways this unwanted experience will bring you even closer together.
We wish you well and there is light at the end of the tunnel, just remember FO cancer you are not getting me.
Hi Don’t be too hasty in shaving your hair off, its going into winter and you need your thatch. I lost 50%, but i can even see the funny side of my drivers license that needed a new photo at that stage. but its a good talking point of getting across to those i have to present it to, the importance of self examination and that to date i’vew beat cancer.
A plus tip when you wash your hair don’t use hot water, tepid best and yes you soon adapt. Laugh at the half eyebrows, and whilst the lashes have gone you may notice there is no net for any tears. but get yourself booked on the feel goog look better make up class, gain a fabulous gift bag of goodies and learn how to adapt.
Eyebrows do however help with expression, and the class teaches you about the options. But hey once chemo over and you are through radio T or surgery you have a new thatch of hair to look forward to. I’ve had to pay to have curly hair in the past and now have lovely curly thatch. Hidden parts of my body have remained thin, and the other tip use Sanex Deodorant, stops the body odour, and keeps you much drier than any other product. They also recommend you start using before Radiotherapy, as it doesn’t contain Aluminium.
Cold cap does work, and I and others can testify to it. shaved heads take a longer while to recover. You can of course use your free wig in the meantime, they show you how to fit and i got my hair dresser just to trim the fringe ever so slightly. enquire at Macmillan’s how to obtain your free wig, don’t be tempted to buy. as for head covering they also sell these at reduced rates. Good luck you are a winner, you are on the way to recovery. Love and light, Moonsox xxx
I’ve just been and had bloods done in readiness for 2nd chemo and seen my oncologist. I didn’t ask too many questions last time just listened. Questioned more today and he has told me I’m high risk of cancer recurring due to how many lymph nodes were cancerous. Going to scan me after my 3rd chemo as can see how anxious I am. Haven’t stop crying yet have a lovely daughter and 18 month grand daughter just feel so scared
Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply. I’ve had a loooong talk with my husband that has really helped.
I woke up with huge bald patches on my crown and left side on Sunday morning and couldn’t take it any more - we made the decision together that the hair issue was causing so much distress that we would deal with it head on (no pun!) and so husband shaved it off for me. I guess I’m one of the unlucky ones who cold capping just didn’t work for. Since the shave I’ve felt like a new woman, the stress of losing my hair has completely gone and I feel CLEAN! Not being able to wash my hair regularly and seeing thin, lank, greasy roots over bald patches has been a horror for me. Bizarrely and unexpectedly, my husband loves my new look
I’m feeling a lot more positive. Not sure the insecurities won’t raise their head again but I just need to be open about how I’m feeling I think.
Thank you again for all of your support, this forum is such a lifeline xx
Bless you! I’m speaking as someone who has come out on the other side! I got a really lovely wig, it looked fab, everyone loved it and it made me feel great when I wore it! I also experimented with make up and brought smudgy eye liners to make up for the lack of lashes. My friends said they really didn’t notice that I hadn’t got lashes. It’s all growing back now with a vengeance! I would shave sooner rather than later as it really hurt my head leaving it! I bought caps little pull on caps for around the house, also warm in the winter from Amazon! Tbh, it was liberating, no more drying or styling for a while! I was so glad I didn’t have hair when I had my reconstruction surgery too. You will get used to it and adapt. If Your husband is saying he’s on your side then you have to trust him and get on with getting better! I’m nearly out of the woods, 11 sessions left of radio then I’m off around the world! You will get through this. Good luck
Hi hun, I am 69 and my partner is 13 years younger than me. I had similar fears and my partner has reassured me that he doesn’t feel that way. We live 50 miles apart. He phones every day, sometimes more than once. Unfortunately that doesn’t help the thoughts going through my head. What has helped us attending a workshop set up by lookgoodfeebetter.co.uk They are a charity that helps cancer patients to cope with their anxieties and feelings. It was a skincare and makeup session and it made me feel beautiful and on top of the world again. My nearest one was over an hour away but it was so worth it. You can also investigate counselling which will help tremendously. Please remember how your relationship was before your diagnosis. Be kind to yourself. Sending virtual hugs
Nothing is WRONG with you. You have cancer. Your body is producing cells where it shouldn’t and this bs could (if untreated) kill us, and that is scary. Also depending on what meds you are on that can also make you nuts, just FYI. Tamoxifen made me verifiably insane.
I have done more tamoxifen apologising than ever before in my life. I am having a double mastectomy in 5 weeks. My husband has been pretty great really, but sometimes I wish he said: yes is going to be terrible, instead of saying “all I care about is that you are alive” and sometimes in my head I tell myself “he is just saying that because he has too and now he is stuck with me, my cancer, my genetic mutation, etc etc etc”. I am telling you this because I think it’s normal to go a little nuts and maybe you just need to tell him that “sorry but cancer is making me nuts and it too will pass”, and hopefully things will get better for you soon. Not sure how long this road has been for you, but I hope that things start looking up.
sending you a big virtual hug, A
Been there! Shave the rest of your hair and buy some pretty scarf coverups from Amazon! Nine months after chemo I now have a shaggy pixie but since I’m still undergoing PHESGO shots I’m still filling in my eyebrows. YOU WILL GET PAST THE FEELING UGLY STAGE!
Hi @scherzo, I’m Valentina and I’m writing to you from Italy. I experienced the same emotions as you, I saw myself as swollen and ugly, I thought I couldn’t do it and instead we women bring out something impressive that goes beyond. our husbands can’t understand what we feel but they do everything they can to not make us suffer during this difficult period but at the same time it’s not easy for them either but he loves you and certainly won’t leave you because of this. I did the cold helmet and saved over 70% of my hair and this saved me in dealing with the disease. One step at a time and you will have many collapses but then you have to find the strength to get up and think that this is just a parenthesis of your life and that then you will come back more beautiful than before but you also have to give yourself time and not think beyond what you are already experiencing …come on, come on and you’ll see that when you think back to all this you will be proud of how you faced everything… lots of kisses
You are not alone. Don’t forget chemo also plunges you head first into the menopause. Most people enter the menopause slowly but with chemo it’s like jumping off a cliff. Pretty intense emotions to be expected. I look nothing like I did a year ago, weird felt chemo hair and weight gain. I feel hideous…but…it will pass. Hair grows back, weight falls off, cancer retreats. Sounds like you are feeling very vulnerable, totally understandably. Maybe some therapy might help xx
