I lost my wife to Breast Cancer on the 5th of May this year at the age of 38 with a prognosis of 2 years she died after 6 months from the start of treatment.
There any many things that I could share that I hope will help but a couple of quotes that have really helped me and that have really hit home.
“It is not just about the life lost but also about the life lived” Kubler Ross
I took a meaning from this that it not just about the life you had with your loved one while they were alive but also the life you live after their death.
First Question “Have you found joy in your life”
Second Question “Have you bought joy to others lives”
Go and find the joy in your life.
Taken from the film “Bucket List” a real must see and this is really important to me when I think about what I do next.
“Life is not about how to survive the storm but how to dance in the rain”
A reminder to have fun perhaps?
“Build a bridge and get over it”
Very harsh NZ saying but it worked for me when it was said with really affection.
I hope this helps you as much as it helped me pulling this together.
I wish you all well an invite others to post “Words” that helped them
Martin
We would love to hear your story Martin. you may or may not have read that I lost my daughter aged 34 on June 10th after only 1 year from diagnosis. Her partner and fiance Simon is totally bereft and I know would love to hear of anyone else going through what he is going through. He says that Lisa was his soul mate and his total inspiration and probably like you is totally lost right now. Lisa had IBC ( Inflammatory Breast Cancer) which is aggressive in itself but then had complications on top of that including a brain tumour which was discovered in February.
Love Sue x
Dear Zotam/Sue
To answer your question “We would love to hear your story Martin” Is a difficult one to answer as it is not my story but our story.
The bare bones are I lost my wife to Breast Cancer on the 5th of May this year at the age of 38 with a prognosis of 2 years she died after 6 months from the start of treatment.
Sue’s Cancer was diagnosed in October 20007 at a fairly advance stage i.e. external tumour and it had already spread to her glands and had secondary bone cancer. We were told at the time that because it was so advanced that we were not looking at a cure but at containment and at best we were looking at 2 years.
Sue was very late to diagnosis mainly because she did not share her condition with anybody and decided not to tell anyone. It was only when I forced her to go to the GP as I was so concerned about her condition.
I can’t blame Sue for not doing anything sooner and I guess her reasons where many and varied I had lost my Mother to Cancer at a young age and she knew her parents would not handle it well. Sue had worked for the NHS for close to 20 years and I guess she knew what the implications where.
Sue initially responded well to treatment with 6 lots of Chemo and 1 lot of Radiotherapy tumour markers had all gone down etc and the medical team where pretty happy.
Unfortunately this did not last and she fainted at her parents’ home and she spent one night in Bath Hospital and after several more faints/fits I took her back to her parents home to rest for a night and then on the way home she fainted/fitted again so ended up in Swindon hospital for 9 nine days and after being stabilised Sue was brought back to Slough Hospital where She worked and had been treated.
Although initially they were unsure what was causing Sue to faint/fit at Swindon on arrival at Slough they were pretty sure that Sue’s Cancer had spread to either her spine and or her brain. Pretty devastating news but this was what I had expected to hear and was just glad that we had managed to get her close to home.
Although a treatment plan was put into place on the Friday for a full body MRI scan followed by a spinal tap if necessary. This was cancelled on the Monday as Sue rapidly went downhill over the weekend. It was expected that she would pass away that day. After being unconscious for 3 days Sue woke and was able to talk very briefly and sporadically for the next week until she drifted away the following Monday.
That final week was a very tough but it also allowed many of Sue’s friends and family to come and say goodbye to her. For me most importantly I was able to tell how much I loved her and also to talk to her about her funeral plans which turned into a celebration of her life and to let her know that I would be okay.
I had read about the 5 stages of grief and although not fully at the acceptance stage I did my best for Sue in those final weeks and throughout her treatment.
Where am I now? Currently in New Zealand spending some time away to regroup and come back to the UK and continue with my life.
I wish you well.
Martin
Martin
I’m so sorry to hear about your wife but feel privileged that you have the strength to share some words that have helped you. I was dx with secondary bone cancer in May 2008 so am beginning this long journey and any words of comfort that have helped the bereaved I am squirrelling away as they may be appropriate to my loved ones at some point. This disease is so unforgiving and, as with Sue and Lisa, it takes so many young lives as well as older ones. The sadness is left behind for family and friends to deal with which, for me, seems the most difficult part.
I am glad you were able to tell your wife that you loved her even though she would have known that I’m sure, but it will help you. Also a celebration of life would be my preferred choice of service and I hope everyone took comfort from the fact she would no longer be suffering.
I hope your time in NZ is helping you but please keep in touch with us on here if you need to sound off about anything.
Take Care
Nicky x
ps to Sue (zotam) I have read your recent posts, but not added to them, and know how difficult things must be for you. I hope you know you and your family are still very much in all of our thoughts.
Thank you Martin. Sorry I did mean both of you when I said ‘your story’.
When Lisa was first dx with secondary cancer … and incidentally hers was just a small visible lump in her back … we were so sure that whatever happened she would have several years with treatment and even more so when after her mastectomy and the lump removed she was proven to be clear but then a few months later came the headaches and the brain tumour. We thought that to lose her after only one year was almost impossible but for you to lose your Sue after only 6 months is so awful … its the shock isn’t it that it feels as if one minute all is well but then the next life is so completely different.
Hope your holiday in NZ is helping with your loss and that life is kind to you in the future.
To Taz
Thank you again Taz … I sent your letter on to Simon … he is going through so many different stages right now and will have a relatively good day and then all of a sudden something acts as a trigger and he has a really bad evening and night. One problem being that Lisa & Simon didn’t need anyone else and didn’t have a big social life … just going out one night a week with one couple they had been friends with for years … and so Simon is now wandering around his house lost. Lisa is everywhere and he couldn’t throw anything away yet. The whole house seems to be full of Lisa’s things. I live just 5 minutes and he has a key so that he can come and go which he does often but its still so hard for him at home … he can stay here if he wants but he is determined to try to get through this as best he can at home. I just wish he was in some clubs or had some big outside interest but they just lived for each other planning the future together … the future they thought they had. Lisa & I were very close and neither of us had a ‘best’ friend because of this … always going shopping, doing craft classes etc together so for that reason I miss her on two counts … as the most wonderful daughter anyone could even dream of having and also as my best friend.
I don’t feel that I am a ‘wonderful’ mother … just a normal mother who would die herself rather than let her daughter go through what she went through and i just got on to the internet to try to find any help for her… but thank you for saying so. now , like you, I just feel that if there is anything i could do for people with breast cancer then I would. That is one of the reasons why we agreed to the postmortem ( still not has results) … the other reason is that I know Lisa would want to have the PM done. She always carried an organ donor card and believed fiercely in organ donation after death but of course once you have cancer thats not an option.
Anyway Taz this was going to be short. Keep posting when you feel like it.
Love Sue … and Simon
Thank you Nicky.
Hi Martin
Very sorry to read of your loss,it doesn’t matter what age you are, this is never an easy situation to cope with. It was very brave to write and I do hope that your break in NZ will help. Grieving is a very personal process and whatever you feel at any point is valid and there are no rules that you must feel x by y.
I wish you peace and hope.
I lost my sister to this 'king disease seven years ago, in time it will be easier.
best wishes
Dawnflower
xxx
Read this yesterday and I love it …I changed the original name on the poem to Lisa to fit our story.
Sue x
THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM
By Terry Kettering
There’s an elephant in the room.
It is large and squatting,
so it is hard to get around it.
Yet we squeeze by with,
“How are you?” and, “I’m fine,”
and a thousand other forms of trivial chatter.
We talk about the weather;
we talk about work;
we talk about everything else—
except the elephant in the room.
There’s an elephant in the room.
We all know it is there.
We are thinking about the elephant
as we talk together.
It is constantly on our minds.
For, you see, it is a very big elephant.
It has hurt us all, but we do not talk about
the elephant in the room.
Oh, please, say her name.
Oh, please, say “Lisa” again.
Oh, please, let’s talk about
the elephant in the room.
For if we talk about her death,
perhaps we can talk about her life.
Can I say, “Lisa” to you
and not have you look away?
For if I cannot,
then you are leaving me alone
in a room
—with an elephant.
Hi Sue
as you know, we have never met only in cyber world but my hubby and daughters talk of you often and ask how you are doing. They mention Lisa and the inpact that your story has had on our life. A truly devoted mum to a very special young lady.
Corny as it may sound we feel your pain and will always remember Lisa and her incredible story. Please think about putting it into print.
Love Debsxxx
Dear Sue
I love the elephant poem and a while back e-mailed it to a friend who was uncomfortable with me talking about death. I think it is a wonerdful poem which shows how damaging this society’s reluctance to talk about death can be…both for those who are dying and for those left behind.
best wishes to you
Jane
Thanks Debs and Jane.
Incidentally I follow both your threads all the time even though I don’t often comment.
I am seriously thinking about writing about Lisa one day and thought that I would go through the pages here and print out all I have written and your lovely responses. For some months now I have been printing out my emails to friends and relations and putting into a file. Also kept a diary. My Dr confirmed the other day that Lisa was indeed a very unusual case right from the beginning and feels, like me, that we have been ‘robbed’ by her early death. They will at some point get to the bottom of her complications and hopefully it will help someone else. She was one of the most unselfish and caring people that I have ever know … not saying that just because she was my daughter as so many people who knew her have said this too but for that reason we agreed to the post mortem knowing that she would say if they couldn’t help her then perhaps they could help someone else because of her. I thought my Dr said something wonderful … he has known Lisa since she was 12 and he said that she was one of those rare people who generated energy as she walked into a room … even if the people in that room were already in a good mood and he recalled how she would ‘bounce’ into his room with a wide grin on her face even when going through grueling treatment and faced with bad news yet again. Certainly worth writing about.
Love to all of you going through this sh*t disease. Sue x
Dear Sue and Martin
I have read both your threads with such sadness that people so young are taken away by this wretched disease …I cannot imagine what you must be going through now that your lives have been changed for ever .I am 8 months into my journey and take each day as it comes I dont plan and live for the here and now .
Your stories have touched my heart
;Love and peace to you and your families xxxxx
and all the rest of us on this b*******d journey
Mazxxxx