Sorry if this is the wrong place to post as it’s not strictly about treatment, but I notice there are a few posts about work and life-related struggles, so hope it’s ok.
I had waited for over four weeks to hear the results of my second excision for primary breast cancer, having been told there was a fifty/fifty chance of there still being cancer cells and needing a mastectomy. So when I was finally called in and told yesterday the margins were clear, it was a big relief. I felt that I should be very happy and not so anxious as I still am about having radiotherapy and being on a hormonal tablet for five years. I appreciate how lucky I am compared to some people.
I had to go straight to my work shift after the appointment. I do care work on a casual basis, filling in for staff absences. This one place is very short-staffed and has offered me a lot of shifts. I had to tell them early on about my cancer diagnosis, to explain cancellation of some shifts, and the manager and staff have been very accomodating. The work there is fine for my physical limitations, but for a while I have been finding the staff politics there very stressful, however much I try to keep out of them. In the middle of my most anxious time (the staff knew I was waiting for cancer results), one staff member I was on with took a tirade over what I meant as a quite neutral comment over some work issue. Next time, he sort of apologised and said he’d just been ‘having a bad day’. While outwardly friendly, I feel I am still walking on eggshells whenever I’m on shift with him…which is quite often as the place is short staffed. Yesterday when I went in to work after my appointment, he asked how it went. He was friendly and concerned, and perhaps I gave too many details, mentioning the radiotherapy and hormonal treatment to block any return of the cancer, as well as getting regular screening thereafter. He then remarked that yes, his father was cured of cancer and then it returned years later and he died of it. It ‘lies dormant for years; you’re never really free if it.’…these were his exact words.
While I know of course that this happens as he said, it wasn’t exactly what I needed to hear at this time. I can’t get this remark out of my head, and feel very depressed, also about having to keep on going in to work there. I’m on a late shift today with this same guy, and my stomach’s churning. I’m even worried about one or two things I said yesterday (about work, not cancer issues) which I fear may have caused offence.
Taking a break from work or finding another place is not an option, for reasons too much to explain, except that I am not on contracted work and rely financially on the shifts offered to me at this place.
In other issues, I am weighed down by the prospect of writing to my sister in Canada. For fear of her reaction (she has a gloomy outlook on life), I have not told her so far. And through all this, even my poor husband cannot really help. He keeps reminding me of how positively I was talking about my work about a month ago (well yes, I was probably trying to psych myself up and anyway things can change).
Sorry for this long rant, nothing much anyone can say, I guess, but I needed to get it down. Thanks for listening.
