Worried about depression

Hi everyone,

I really need to get this out. I’m on Week 3, Day 3 of six weeks of radiotherapy (already posted this on that forum) and I’m getting very concerned about how very weepy I’ve been over the past four days - culminating rather embarrassingly this morning when I started crying during the session. S**t.

I’d arrived seven minutes late after spending 20 minutes in the parking queue, and sometimes I do only just make it, and apparently they often call people through before the appointment time if they’re already in the waiting room. There were the three RT technicians, all of whom are really lovely young women, but one’s quite loud and a bit abrasive - and this one had a go at me about being late, and that I needed to leave home earlier. I wouldn’t have minded - she’s quite right, after all - but she’s got such a very loud voice, there were people waiting outside, I felt like a school-girl being told off.
I explained my situation - that although I’m officially on sick leave I’ve till got some morning commitments which I’ve tried to slip in before my appointment, but I just couldn’t hold it in and started crying. They all seemed rather surprised, but the other two immediately said ‘She can’t help it, she just shouts all the time, we’re always telling her’, and the young woman herself agreed and apologised.
Bless them, they’re all lovely, and only doing their not-much-fun job, but I’ve just been feeling so weepy and there was just no way to stem the flow.
So of course I had to have the session, still sniffling, and then they brought me in a chocolate to cheer me up, which - of course - only made me cry more! What a mess.
Still, one good thing was that they offered me a slightly later time - which I’ll have absolutely no excuse to be late for!

Afterwards I had to see the RT nurse for my check-up, so I hid in the changing room rather than go back out to the waiting room looking like a beaten-up tomato, god. I don’t know what the others said to her, but she almost immediately offered me counselling - but I live in Spain and there’s no word for ‘counselling’, so it translates as ‘psychotherapy’ ! I was just shocked, I guess - I thought it was normal to feel weepy during the treatment, so now I’m worried that there really is something to worry about. I mean, I’m not even taking Tamoxifen, or any anti-cancer drug. Plus I’ve got another three and a half weeks of treatment to go.

So my question is, has anyone else experienced this level of weepiness, and what did you do about it? I don’t feel depressed, just low, and I was thinking of riding it out, but now I feel I should do something more - I’ve considered taking St John’s Wort for the duration, but apparently it can react quite badly with radiotherapy. What I want to hear is, Don’t worry, it’ll pass in a couple of days, but maybe I need to take it more seriously?

Tomato Face
XO

I would say how you’re feeling is quite normal given what you’re currently having done. Getting to appointments (particularly ones for cancer treatment) is very stressful and the last thing you need is to be shouted at. I felt unbelievably vulnerable all through my cancer treatment.

I think only you know whether or not you think having counselling would help. Having counselling doesn’t mean you’ve got depression by the way. Plenty of people without depression have counselling. So the question for you is whether or not you think it would help you get through the rest of your treatment, comes to term with the diagnosis and treatment, help to cope with any other issues going on in your life ('cos cancer affects so many aspects of life) etc.

Also does it have to be now? Perhaps you could get through treatment and give it another 4 - 6 weeks and see how you feel then? If you still feel as weepy or worse then you might want to take it.

take care, Elinda x

Hi Elinda, thanks so much for your reply and support.

Yes, that’s very useful to think of making use of the counselling service after the treatment, though I’d feel a bit of a cheat because the way I’m feeling is about other aspects of my life, which are most definitely depressing. Being on sick leave for radiotherapy has simply given me more head-space to dwell on those things, even though I’m keeping very busy.

But yes, the treatment is obviously stressful in itself - not least the parking! - and I need to be good to myself.

Thanks again Elinda,
FC XO

FC there’s nothing like cheating in what you’re going through. Everyone who has cancer also has other little delights of life that are tough to deal with and you won’t need yo restrict what you talk about to a counsellor only to cancer stuff.
on phone tough to post from. but good luck and vent on here whenever you need to, WE UNDERSTAND .

I think there is something about radiotherapy. I was totally calm and very organised through all my treatment, but within a week of starting rads in May last year I had a total meltdown. Why I still don’t know. Maybe it was having a 3 hour round trip for a 5 min appointment, maybe it was the fact that the staff doing the rads were bullies (they were totally horrible which completely threw me as all the chemo nurses had been wonderful) or maybe it was just the time to throw a complete wobbly re the disease, treatment etc.

All I can say is you will get through it (either with or without counselling) and it will get better, you are nearly there, just think of how far you have come.

It is completely normal I think to have at least one, if not more, complete wobbles during this treatment.

Take care.
Sam

It’s not cheating. I expressed the same concern to the counsellor I had and she said that counselling is for everything. I was though surprised at how much having cancer affected different aspects of my life or the way I was thinking about things almost at a subconscious level.

So if you want it go for it and don’t feel any guilt.
Elinda x

I’m with Sam - I found rads quite tough mentally.

Dx

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!

Your replies have really helped me put The Wobbly into perspective - and also think about maybe taking up the counselling service later on.

I have felt much better today and yesterday - the three RT technicians were soooo lovely to me yesterday, and we all had a chat and a laugh.

SamLee - that’s just outrageous that your nurses were bullies, god, I think that would have totally finished me off.

But on the bright side - I’m half-through my treatment! Fifteen sessions down, fifteen more to go, yippeee!

Large hugs

Glad you feel better - one meltdown does not equal depression.
Dx