I have been lurking in the forums for the past few days, hoping to find answers I’m not going to find I guess.
I visited my GP last Friday having discovered a lump some days earlier. In fact, I think the lump has been there for quite some time (I felt it but discounted it as a ridge) but it became more obvious just recently. I have lost a lot (almost 13 stone) in the past 14 months so my body is playing tricks on me. I have sticky out bones and big swathes of additional skin. All pretty much expected (had gastric surgery last year) and I’m not awaiting surgery to start removing the extra skin.
So, I guess the reason for saying this is that all sorts of weird things have happened with my body in the past year so I think I talked myself out of worrying too much about what may or may not have been a lump.
Until now.
GP has referred me to breast clinic. I have an appointment a week today. The waiting is proving torturous. Like everyone else I’ve read about on here, my brain is racing through all the possibilities (which at times feel more like probabilities) and I’m veering from feeling quite positive (85% chance of it being nothing sinister) to feeling positively wretched about what I might be about to put my family through. My children have been through so much in their short lives (they lost their dad when just 6 and 3 years of age and far too many awful things happened in the years that followed). When you’ve had to tell your children dreadful news before, there is such a feeling of dread about having to do it again. They’re in their late teens now but life still holds many painful memories for them.
They don’t know about this latest potential catastrophe yet, we’re trying to protect them just in case there is nothing to tell. We haven’t told my parents yet - again, I’ve put them through far too much in the past. But it feels like we’re living a lie. My lovely partner (dragon) has been wonderful, calm as ever but clearly very worried. We’re trying not to think too far ahead but it’s hard not to. That’s how I cope with trauma - I plan for all eventualities. Takes the panic out of it. Usually.
So, like anyone waiting to find out what’s happening to them, I’m scared, tired, wrung out and trying to carry on as normal. Not really possible but I’m trying.
And for anyone else on this forum, thank you for sharing your stories, experiences and advice. You have already made a difference to me. I’m not sure how this is all going to play out but I wish everyone well with their own situation and hope that each of finds a way to deal with whatever it is we’re being dealt.
Phoenix