WOW Lost The Plot Need Help Fast!!!!!

Hi Sorry ladies to burden you with this but I think I need a good talking too!!! I was perfectly ok, well as ok as we all are! Waiting to start chemo etc, etc,

It all started Friday night my son of 21yrs went to a 40th party, I should have gone but didn´t anyway 12 oclock he´. s back home, SOBER!!! 21 yrs old, not known! What´s the problem i asked YOU MUM I am fed up of people asking me every bloody 5 minutes hows your mum doing, he said, i go out to get away from this and all i meet is a wall of questions, ÖH SHIT I felt so guilty, he´s not saying it in a nasty way, infact both my sons who still live me have been bricks… He´s just had enough of reputition, So ok I told him how would he feel if he went out and nobody asked how I was? He got the just, so to speak!

But the thing is this is how I feel, I live in a very small Spanish community where they all want to know your business…

For 4 months since I was dx I have not shed a tear, well maybe not when sober… SOS… But today I lost the plot big time I think it just hit me like a baseball in the face, i could not talk because i knew if i did that was it i would break down, but me!!! Ivé told everyone around me don´t you dare cry i´m not so why should you! Oh this big brave face cracked big time! I feel so ashamed and stupid for doing this, I know i´m blabbering on but the truth is I Am Scared Shitless…

I think Ivé spent so long worrying about my OH and kids all grown men I might add that it just had to come…

So why am I feeling so bad for putting them through this? The thing is I have worked all my life, I was the breadwinner until this happend, now my kids are scraping around to make pennies, this makes me feel worse, my business is gone down the pan!

So sorry to mumble just needed to get this off my chest! Excuse the pun ladies…

Luv Teresa xxx

Hi Teresa, I know exactly how you feel. I have been putting a brave face on for everyone. I have hardly cried either and am more worried about how this affects everyone else.
I have one chemo left and then radiotherapy. I was terrified before my chemo, more so than I was before my mastectomy.
I also had a bit of a meltdown a couple of weeks ago. It’s only natural that this all gets on top of us at some point, we are only human after all.
I hope you feel supported on here, there are lots of people who can give you advice and support.
I hope you feel a bit better soon.
take care.
Debbie. xx

Hi Thanks Debbie, I know it´s early hours of the morning, but OH snoring, kids in bed and me sitting her drinking red wine!!! It´s nice to know someone else is out there… Much appreciated xxx

Hi Muffet
I’m up too late too. I think what you’re going through is inevitable. I don’t have kids, sadly, but I really felt for my OH esp when I was in hospital - everyone asking how I was all the time. And there was me, worrying about him. I haven’t really cried since my dx last July, but howled (almost literally) day 5 after my op. I felt much better for it, and wish I could do it again. It gets so tiring putting on a brave face and being told how well I look.
Your men are all worried about you - the strong one. It’s all so hard.
Enjoy the wine and sleep well.
River xx

Hi River, thanks for your concern, took myself off to facebook and probably pissed off a few old mates… but i am feeling a little better now, Downside is now feeling guilty for drinking wine and probably smoking too many ciggs which I think I hate to admit I´m the only sad sack on the forum not able to give up smoking! How selfish is that!

Thanks darling, appreciate this,

Luv Teresa xxx

Hey Theresa

Just wanted to add that how you’re feeling is totally normal. I drank far too much wine after DX (and probably still am!!) I was diagnosed eight months ago when my baby boy was only nine months ago. It’s been hellish but you do get through it, promise!!

Whereabouts in Spain are you? My parents live near Torrevieja on Cotsa Blanca, and we’re goin over there at Easter.

hang in there chick!!

She xx

P.S. Something my counsellor told me has stuck with me - she told me that tears are healing, so sometimes that helps me to have a really good cry about it all!

Hi Teresa…I think a lot of the ladies on here do the same thing you have done. Part of that ‘brave face’ for me was that the ‘shutters’ came down, I went onto autopilot and thought mostly of how the family would take it. I felt that I was supporting them…for a long while…months… Then came the ‘melt down’…it happens and as ‘she’ said it is a cleansing, good feeling. All the tension that you put away to the back of your mind…is suddenly released and for a while it can be difficult to stop…but its a natural thing…so dont feel guilty about it Teresa…you’ll be ok love…


Hi Teresa,Ladies.

Sorry you’re feeling like this, but you can only put a brave face on for so long.BC is life changing,and it’s the unknown,i’ve cried nearly every day since being diagnosed.
As for guilt i think that effects me more than anything.You’re not alone Teresa as i’m sure lots of lovely ladies on here will tell you.
Dont be too hard on youreself love Lesleyx

ps i’ve just got my free prescription card, and that started me crying again.

I was ok until my BCN asked how my family were coping - and then I burst into tears! I felt so upset that I was worrying them, after always being the strong one, the one with whom they share their problems.

Ann x

Hi Ladies many thanks for all your lovely advice, sorry to put you all through this but today feeling much better although very hungover, That will teach me!

I live South of Malaga on the Costa Del Sol, it´s beautiful, this i´m very gratefull for, My village is built on a mountain and is very moorish, typically Andulucia, whitewashed buildings, I walk out of my house and have Mount Maroma behind me, full of lovely pine trees, and below a beautiful valley with a massive lake, Strange though somedays like today, walked out of my house into a cloud!!! Now that is weird.

Many thanks to you all!

Love Teresa xx

Hello everyone
wow talk about timing - I have been unable even to post on here for a few days because the whole thing just keeps making me weep, but then I read this and feel so much less alone with it all.
Like all of us, been putting on a brave face for everyone, and this week have to wean myself off antidepressants (going on to tamoxifen) and am in pieces. Have a night out with a lovely bunch of friends tonight and can’t really face it - am so afraid I’ll fall apart in public. Just spent an hour wandering around Sainsbury’s wondering why the hell I’m there!
Muffett, hope you start to feel a bit better soon, it does pass, and we’ll all get there
love to everyone
monica x

Hi ladies,
I broke down on my return to work - very professional not! Luckily it was only myself and a close colleague in the room. I work as a med sec at a GP practice and what started me off was a poorly baby whimpering in the waiting room. It sounded so sad and miserable, obviously like I was really feeling and hey presto floods of tears from yours truly!
Tears do come quite easily to me, I’ve been known to cry at adverts, but lets face it we have had something to cry about and its certainly not a weakness. We don’t feel ashamed about a good laugh so why are we embarassed to cry?
Sorry you are so down daisyleaf, I hope you feel more like your old self soon.

Chris xx

Ps I always feel much better after a cry, so perhaps there is some truth in them being healing.

Hi Ladies,
Daughter just phoned to tell us she’s got engaged,i’ve been in floods of tears.Why does it feel so bitter sweet? Lots of love Lesleyxx

Hi Ladies

I had my 1st chemo 2 weeks ago and my hair is coming out in handfulls today. Iv decided it would be best to shave it off as Im leaving it every where I go. Even though Iv been very up beat about it and bought loads of scarves and 2 wigs ready for this time, I keep crying every time I think about it. Dont know how long I can keep the brave front on.

Jan x

hi jan, u poor thing im starting chemo on thurs n that is my biggest fear im a hairdresser so running my fingers thru other peoples will b torture not sure what il say if they moan about their locks. did u try th cold cap n which r u on that seems so soon wanted to colour mine b4 then not sure if theres much point go get a stiff drink honey g, get every false accesory u can n im sure ul look beautiful . rozita xxxx


I totally understand, I had my first chemo 21st (next one next Thurs). Hair is all over the place, dare not comb it. Going out tomorrow night and was hoping it would last till then, dare I wash it tomorrow?? Not too keen on wearing scarf and wig needs some work on it (too big / too much hair. Getting it sorted but not till next wed). I thought i was gonna be ok with it but feel quite stressed now its happening. Keep trying on scarves but hate how I look in them.

Am on the red wine xxx

Anne x

Hi Rozita

Im on FEC-T, had 1st on 21st Jan and the BCN said it could start coming out in about 2 weeks time but everyones different, but she was spot on. I didnt get the cold cap as I was told it was painful and Im a bit of a chicken. My hair was right down my back so I got it cut to my shoulder (like in photo) hoping I would keep it a bit longer,til my 2nd chemo on the 11th feb. My husband works away and he gets back then, I was going to get him to shave it for me but no way will it last that long!

I feel for you Rozita being a hairdresser but Im sure you will be ok, I got 2 very different wigs, Im blonde but I got 1 red and 1 brown didnt suit the blonde wigs! My husband joked that I’ll not take hours getting ready when we go out anymore but it will probably take me ages to decide which 1 to put on lol!

Well Im going to get my glass of wine and the clippers out ready (probably need a few glasses before I can do it!!)

Hope everything goes ok for you next thur Rozita, let me know.
Jan x

Hi Anne

I did wash mine this morning ended up blocking up the plug hole in the shower, and when I dried it handfulls came out everytime I put the brush trough it. Im out tomorrow night so I thought I’ll get it off tonight then I’ll have all day tomorrow to get used to wig. I must admit the wigs are fab, I used my voucher for an expensive one and bought a cheaper one myself and the Ladies in the shop were great they even trimmed them for me.

Jan x

Jan, good luck for tonight. Be thinking of you …

She xx

Hi all,just been reading all your posts.Laughed and cried in equal measures.
Teresa you are not the only sad sack.I also smoke and feel guilty smoking every one.The more I try to stop,the harder it becomes.I also agree with all you ladies who are sick and tired of putting on a brave face all the time.I just want to scream out "what about me"but we don,t do we?

Monica I know it is hard for you,and will get worse,but ask your doctor to start you on Venlafaxine when you have cleared the other ADsyou are taking.They worked pretty quick for me.Thinking of you hon.Hope it,s not too bad for you.

Lesley,best wishes to your daughter and fiance.It,s hard when your children are moving on and we are reluctant to make any long term plans.

Rozita and Jan,go for double red wine.Everything will seem better,ha ha.I will never moan about having a bad hair day again.

Keep well all,

Ann xxx