I have always struggled to accept this compliment, before I had BC and chemo i would find it irritating because I worried that the person making the compliment (usually a man) was saying it cos I may have put on a few pounds, you know, like they were saying “normally you look like you could do with a good helping of chips” I know the reason they often choose those particular words is so they don’t appear to be cracking on to you the way it might be construed if they said “you look really nice”
But since I have had BC and started chemo, I have had a few people say it to me and they are people I don’t know well enough to tell them about myself and I just feel awkward, if I were a nasty bitch I’d say “oh if only you knew” but I’d never want to put them in that position they would be mortified especially as they were paying me a compliment!
My boyfriend said I should be flattered that I don’t actually look ill and that my wigs are realistic enough that people have not twigged. But I just never liked people saying it in any case!
anyone else got an irrational dislike of things people say when it is well meant but still grates?
I saw a friend last week who I havent seen since diagnosis. Her face was a picture. she said, “God, you look well” I think she was expecting to see Skeletor and the fact that I am still lardy must have suprised her. Perhaps she should have said - God you are still a fat cow despite your treatment!!! BTW, like the fact you have a glass of wine with you (saw on other thread). might join you once I have collected my son. My garden is full of weeds too but they can stay there!
Cathy
xx
I am cackling now… it is said to me all the time including by the breast care nurse… who went on to say that steroids make us gain weight because we have healthy appetites…so we appear v healthy… i looked at her and thought hmmmm… so u think i have got fatter… well yes i have but…
actually most of the time i do feel well… bizarre!!
My pet hate is ‘oh u are dealing with this so well’… whaddya want me to do? CRY???
oh and ‘you are a strong person…’? never done any weightlifting in my life!!
yeah i get those comments too but I don’t mind those so much (apart from the weight gain one)
Well i have put on 8kg, since chemo started, and the steroids have really stimulated my appetite. Infact people keep saying to me my skin seems to be blooming and they ask if i am pregnant!
hmm… i looked rubbish when i was pregnant tho i felt really well!n
I HATE being told how well I look all the time, especially when I feel cr*p. However, I spose it is better than them saying “hey you look so ILL”
my boyfriend commented that my skin (on my body) feels softer but I explained it is partly because I have lost all that downy, almost invisible hair that covers our bodies and partly because I have been a bit more disciplined with using body butter as I hear chemo can make the skin dry so I thought prevention better than cure! My skin on my face goes between feeling like a baby’s bottom one day, and feeling like it’s about to break out in hives the next, so I am careful not to overdo the face cream on my friend’s advice, and only wear makeup like foundation if I am going out somewhere that i feel it is important enough to look my best eg dinner with my bloke or shopping for clothes.
the only steroids I have are the ones they give at the hospital just before they start administering the chemo. but my appetite is different to how it usually is, I have had to explain to my boyfriend that when I get hungry now I have to eat SOON, not later. He prefers to eat as late as possible but is understanding that things have to be done differently now. besides, that is better for HIM too.
If I gain a bit of weight due to craving carbs and not having enough energy to exercise (I used to pole dance for several hours a week now I can only do a stroll to the shops and back) then that is a pisser-offer but I will deal with it when my treatment is over, I think worrying about my weight would be stupid at this time unless I got so big it was gonna be a risk to my health but I am nowhere near that…
Hi, clarabel, I’m a bit fed up with ‘You look well’ too. If only they knew that it takes 10 hours sleep a night and a LOT of slap to look this good!
I went to see my pony today NOT wearing full makeup for the first time in ages and, no, she didn’t run away in horror LOL but 2 quite good friends said how shattered I looked.
Hating the change in shape that seems to be going on, even though I’m managing not to gain weight. Hubby has noticed but it’s hard to explain that, no I really cannot exercise to look after my figure when, quite honestly, just day-to-day living is blimmin’ kn@ckering! He’s even bought wii fit 'cos he thought I’d love it and all I’ve done is the initial assessment that says I’m 62! (Darn it. Seem to have aged 15 years and I only feel 10 years older.)
Hello all, I relate totally to the ‘you look well’ stuff. If only others could see how we feel inside !! tired, waxy mouth, nauseasous, bald etc . At least my cat doesn’t run away when he sees me, he just takes advantage of the extra attention.
rach
with living in england,i hadn’t been home for over a year so my hair had just started to grow back i went over to be godmother to my neice ,i think my dad had told all the wee biddies in church all about me even though he had only been over here when i was vomiting my guts up ,so i felt bloody great and in a year looked great !! i think they got a major shock along with everyone else that i wasn’t at deaths door!!!
I found it really weird when people told me I was looking really well during treatment until I looked at some photos of me taken in the 3-4 months before this all kicked off, I looked absolutly dreadful, dark circles under my eyes, really tired, lifeless hair and I didn’t realise it but after my op I started to look loads better quite quickly. Realised i wasn’t using as much concealer under my eyes and my hair improved loads too. I have a photo of me taken the day before I had my long blonde hair cut really short in the hope the cold cap would work [it didn’t] and I have to say I looked really well. The chemo took its toll obviously, there’s no disguising having no eye lashes but its all growing back now and my hair is a right royal mess but there we go!
The weight gain is not nice cos it seems to be beyond my control, I do all the rules and excersise regularly but it doesn’t shift at all. This gets me down more than anything but at least now all the steroids have finished I no longer eat my body weight in BBQ ribs and fries at Frankie & Benny’s.
AJxxx
The real give away is the people who say; ‘You look really well…much better than last time I saw you’…but hang on a minute have you forgotten that last time I saw you you said how well I looked…
Jane
Yes Jane, I get that at the Fort where I live - I can go a whole year without seeing some of our second home owners. I am sure they want to say: “Surprised you are still alive!”. I just smile sweetly (doesn’t cost anything to smile) and say I am fine. There are a couple of second home owners here with breast and cervical cancer who know I have had bc, but they don’t want to discuss cancer. Okay by me. I don’t give a toss now, about what anyone says - don’t sweat the small stuff anymore and can’t be bothered to get involved in conversations with ignorant people.
Pity that no-one asks about my Crohn’s…too embarrassed, .but then, they wouldn’t really want to know about that either. I am lucky I can discuss my medical problems with a wonderful American soul sister I met in Spain some 23 yrs ago when she and I retired there with husbands 16 yrs older than us. Her husband, when they repatriated to the US, got lung and kidney cancer 7 yrs ago, I got bc 5 yrs ago, and he is still alive. My mentor, with his wonderful attitude to life, now 79 yrs and has confounded all his doctors at the H.Lee Moffitt Cancer Hospital in Florida. He has been my ultimate inspiration having just last week completed a new experimental treatment of stereotactic radiotherapy in a body cast for a malignant tumour in his remaining lung…, only the 4th person in the US with one lung, and one kidney, to have this procedure. If he can survive a stage IV terminal prognostic, so can I deal with my much better prognosis. His wife tells me that everyone on their gated senior golf community cannot believe his survival and how well he looks. Perhaps there is something, not scientifically proven yet, as to the mind’s ability to overcome bodily problems, and the needs of one’s partner. I am of that mindset, with a 79 yr disable husband who really needs me, as we have no children, and I only have one sibling, 600 miles away.
Well, will slap on some make up in the morning, and greet the day with a smile. Better than sinking into depression, which we are all entitled to do.
Liz.
AJ… I had a comment from my mum, after my op to remove the tumour but before my chemo, that I looked “radiant” and she said thinking back to before my diagnosis she now realises I often lacked energy or stamina and looked a bit tired and listless even when I’d not done anything to get me that way.
I don’t think I look unwell at all but I am only halfway through chemo so there is time yet. I went to Tenerife the week before my first chemo so I still have a good colour, as I catch and keep a tan really easily due to holidaying as frequently as I can afford. Major frustration that I cannot go away again til after my radiotherapy AND that I will have to cover up 
I use to…but ive realised how hard it can be for family, friends etc to ever say the right thing without it grating- I think ive become quite an angry…actually id say intolerant person since being dx and yes thought it was all about me and i realised what was important in life whilst everyone else was worring about things that really do no matter in the bigger scheme of things made me quite sharp tongued with people. Then after some really good chat with family and friends realised how hard it was for them.
People always tell me i look good just before i get some terrible results! lol so they’re banned anyway! Bless
Anyway good luck lynnc
Hi all,
I definately got rather fed up with the ‘you look well’ comments whilst I was on chemo. I know people were trying to be nice but I’m not entirely sure what they thought I was ‘supposed’ to look like. Perhaps I should’ve looked like death warmed up with the grim reaper following me?? My ‘looking well’ was pretty much down to my spending ages putting my slap on before going out to face the world.
Worse still though were the comments after I’d lost my hair! If I got a pound each time someone said ‘ooh, a bald head really suits you’ or ‘not many people can get away with a bald head but yours is a lovely shape’!!!
Bless 'em though, I know they all mean well,
Kelly
-x-
Hi all
I have to say that they are right - I do look well - because previous to dx I had dropped the habit of wearing any makeup … very lazy but in hindsight a good thing …
so now I know how bad I used to look without it! ie. I look better during chemo with makeup than no makeup without chemo … there is a lesoon in there somewhere and i have learnt it!
just thing how good i’m going to look when i’m back to normal with makeup!! …???
in fact i can remember someone quoting Helena Rubenstein … she asadi somethign like " there are no ugly women - just lazy ones …" food for thought eh?
every cloud …
love FizBix xxxxxxxxx