You would think I would be grateful????

Hi all
Just a general moan, which I hope some can relate too.
I have bone and Liver secondaries, diagnosed this Feb and been through the mill a bit, couldn’t walk hardly at all a few months ago.
I had to stop the FEC at the 4th one as my bloods were going dangerously down and they decided I was better to have a break. Now in that break I have gained strength and lost most of the fatigue from chemo and almost feel normal, so much so that I block most of it out of my mind.
I have a holiday planned with my kids, starting Monday to Amsterdam for a week to stay with a girlfriend. Been told by my oncologist that I am doing well and will have scans on my return to check that that is the case, all these things positive but I just feel so sad.
I have been jumping through hoops to get travel insurance (finally got it, at a price)
At the Docs and the oncologist my family situation was discussed so I will have to consult a family solicitor on my return as I have now decided that my astranged husband can no longer be trusted to bring up my daughter so I will appoint a guardian for her. So lots of things have been churned up but I am cross with myself when I have so much to look forward to and I’m still bloody sulking…
I ramble I know but just gotta get it off my chest and hope someone relates to some of it…

Hi Clare, I am only on here because I was working with a friend who was diagnosed with IBC so I cannot even begin to imagine how you feel. However just wanted to say that I hope you enjoy your break. Have you got your EHIC card which is free and does give you some reciprocal emergency treatment? Plenty of info online if you haven’t but avoid the sites that charge, there is no need to pay!

Hope the sun shines for you.

Best wishes.

Ali x

Hi Clare,

I am in a slightly different situation to you, I have finished my treatment, following a second primary diagnosis, at 45 years old I felt a little hard done by,
having finished my treatment I know I should have felt elated but I felt quite the opposite,
its strange how people predict how we ought to be feeling when in reality its very different,

I went to my gp who gave me some anti-depressants, which went against the grain for me, but I have been taking them for a few months now and feel a bit better,

its not easy, is it? and you carnt help feeling the way you do, dont be too hard on yourself and as for being grateful? …

I hope you start to feel a better soon, sometimes it takes time for all the treatment and realisation of everything to sink in, I find myself asking myself is this it? dont really know what I was expecting and how I was expecting my life to be any different really.

Have a rest and try to clear your head a bit, let things take their course and have a lovely holiday.

love and best wishes to you and yours x Liz x

Hi Clare, it’s tough enough having to deal with family problems and tough enough having to deal with cancer and with secondaries. You’re probably just worn out by it all, so I hope the holiday gives you the rest and lift of spirits you need and you deserve.

It’s not easy having to deal with things that acknowledge the possibility of dying or being too ill to care for our families.

Hugs and good luck for the future.

Thanks ladies,
Just had to get it off my chest as its eating away at me and I like to live with glass half full so its unusal for me just to hit a slump.
I think you are correct Mezz that dealing with your own mortality is a toughie, I can talk about it ok with close friends and family but try never to mention my fear for my children, my daughter is 13 and son 18.I try not to think about it to be honest as no one can bring up your children like you can :o)
Thank you all for your best wishes, I’m sure its just a wobbly blip I am having.
I am actually looking forward to my holiday…really :o)
Clare x

You’re having a tough time with the cancer and family problems, Clare. It’s hardly surprising it gets you down! You just have as much of a moan as you need. Isn’t that what the forums are for, after all?! I know there can be a bit of a stigma about taking antidepressants, but, frankly, it makes no sense to me. This is a wee bit of a hobby horse of mine. I’ve had one woman with secondary cancer saying she would worry she’d become addicted to them??!! Of course, she wouldn’t want to die addicted to prescription drugs, would she!!?? Another felt that her “problems would still be there” if she took them. Firstly, her illness is not “a problem”!

“Every problem has a solution. If it doesn’t, it isn’t a problem, but a fact which must be accepted” Nietzsche.

If antidepressants make it easier to cope with the facts of one’s illness, I see no reason not to make use of them. Depression is, after all, caused by a chemical imbalance. If I suffered from diabetes or over- or under-active thyroid I would take treatment to regulate it. Having had 2 primary BCs and now secondaries, I have found each time that the treatments for my hormone-positive cancers have affected my serotonin levels, resulting in depression. Modern antidepressants have come a long way and have far fewer nasty side effects than the old-fashioned ones. I take Citalopram and find them very helpful. Perhaps it might be worth having a chat with your doctors about it? Good luck and hope the holiday goes well.

Clare, feel free to have a rant or a moan on here, and frankly you have enough cause to find yourself slumping once in a while. There’s a limit to how positive you can be all the time.

Hi Clare
You are doing so well after dealing with so much cr@p. It really is a burden all this secondary rubbish isn’t it? I was dx with bone mets 3 and a half years ago and, without having the added pressure you have with your husband, definitely didn’t feel great when my treatment (Chemo) was finished. It took me a long time to accept (if that’s the right word) what was happening and to get on and enjoy life. I hope by having a break you can refresh yourself and also really enjoy your time away with your kids. A change of scenery, especially one that you don’t associate with your BC, must be a good thing. In fact as soon as I stopped going to hospital on a regular basis I felt I could distance myself from my BC and that all helped with the acceptance of my situation. So going to Amsterdam is pretty good for distancing yourself! Have a great time and when you get back I hope you are refreshed and ready to tackle some of the other situations that you have mentioned. As you know we are all here to help when someone needs to let off steam so feel free :wink:
Nicky x

Totally agree with Nicky. I also have secondaries in the bone, and I find distancing myself from all the hospital stuff and focusing on normal day to day life is the only way. In fact, my feeling is that living each day is probably the best idea whatever your circumstance, because nobody knows what is round the corner.
I appreciate that might be hard when someone has to plan for their childrens future, but hopefully when you have got the legal stuff out of the way, things will settle. In the mean time have a lovely break, and leave all the other things in the to do file for when you return.

Thank you once again :o)
It really helps to unburden urself on here with such wonderful understanding people, that really relate to the situation.
I have just escaped for the weekend, cause I truely thought I would explode lol I went to an old school friend and was pampered and had a mellow chilled time that has set me up nicely for my holidays tomorrow.
I may look into antidepresants when i get back madhatter but i think its really a case of facing my demons and getting off my bum and being proactive in the decisions I need to make for my own peace of mind and secure the best i can for my kids future.
I am very lucky to have a fantastic, loving and open relationship with both my kids, we have so much fun together so this holiday should be wonderful for us all. Staying with my best mate while we are there is just the icing on the cake as i can mull things over with her as she was my husbands friend first so hopefully an unbiased opinion will be given.
Wishing you all well back next monday :o)
Clare x