Hi,
I am new to this website, new to Breast Cancer, am 49 years old this June 28th/29th and just about at the end of my tether. I have tried (and succeeded) to be positive, but now feel so alone, isolated and totally wiped out with it all. I was diagnosed with stage 2, had lumpectomy and node removal and starting radiotherapy Thurs 11th June.
My partner, soon to be husband, is away a lot of the time, we have our own Ecology company, (usually I am with him), and we have been going through this basically without each other. I live in a beautiful part of England ( North York Moors, in a beautiful old house, and I should be grateful for what I have, but I have never felt so alone. I hate moaning about anything, but fear that this Tamoxifen is changing me…anyone out there feel the same…
Hi Kimbers I was dx 9th November last year. Had wle etc, chemo and rads (last one Monday) I have had sooo many emotions up and down and seem sometimes to be living in a bubble. It will get better I promise. Just hang in there. I am 51, lost my hair etc but like you always looking for the positives. I live in Leeds and have met many amazing people. Keep your chin up, Rads are ok, you will fight this x
Hi Kimbers and welcome to the BCC forums
I am posting the helpline details which you are welcome to call for further support and also a link to further support BCC can offer you :
Helpline 0808 800 6000 open weekdays 9-5 and Sat 9-2.
breastcancercare.org.uk/about-us/our-services/someone-to-talk-to/one-to-one-support/
Take care
Lucy
Hi sweetie, you are not alone, you have all of us. I am 48 in August, had grade2, lumpectomy, no nodes, almost finished chemo rads start in July. I have had to go through it all alone too as my husband lost his job here in spain and he had to go back to the UK to work. He has only been back once since April, he is back for a week in a weeks time, the day after my last chemo. I know how it feels, but you have to try to keep positive. I just feel so lucky that the found the lump at this stage, and the hospitals and docs here have been so great. Try to focus on the positive. We shall all have to move back to the UK in August as we can`t really live like this, we have two girls here with me. We don’t have any cash and will be renting a house and sleeping on mattresses on the floor for a while… but it doesn’t matter… we will be well and together. Chin up now, what a lovely place to live… go for a nice walk and take it all in, and just remember, we are the lucky ones xxxxx
hi,
I am not at the same stage as you, I am sure there will be others along who are, but I realy feel for you. I know we are supposed to count our blessings, be grateful for what we have etc etc but those are all external material things. In the meantime something beyond our control is happening to our bodies and it is only right and natural to feel fed up and confused sometimes, espeially as if you have been managing to stay posative and brave so far.
Glad you found this forum, it is keeping me sane. I am appearing to all around me and to myself to be upbeat and relaxed and posative about everything, but I think there must be a bit of me that is scared and wanting re-assurance and keeps sending me on here.
Yorkshire has some beautiful parts, I am originally from Bradford.
Hope you start to feel better as the day goes on. Saw the time of your post. Did you wake up this morning and it suddnly hit you??
Anyway all the very best, and a big hug from me
this forum has been a real real support to me - i am a single mom,living alone with my kids and no family support network. I have just gone through chemo and am part way through rads. it has been a tough ride but thanks to the support of the lovely folk on here i am still afloat.
hang on in there, you can do it.
claire
wow, thank you all so much for your replies:
Alimbutt, thank you…Lizzyspain, its amazing what we have to go through, but you being over there and Husband here must be hell, I am sorry x, Oldandlumpy:, thankyou, yes I wake up early every morning (5.00-6-00am) and dare not lie there as thoughts creep in, so I kick myself out of bed and sort my dog (Doogie) out,bless you all, yes I know we have to stay positive, but we are human, and yes it is brilliant that we are being treated, that things aren’t getting any worse, it’s just that sometimes…just sometimes…I could screech 
Little Angel, bless your socks, you obviously have a good strong spirit…wish I could stretch through this laptop and give you a mighty big hug… take care and thank you again for replies…don’t feel quite so alone now x x x
Hi Kimbers and welcome.
Go for it with letting things out on here, we know just hoow you feel so you don’t have to be brave. Also 49 and was expecting the same as you originally but drew the short straw for chemo too. Delighted that you’e escaped that particular pleasure, but that doesn’t make what you’re dealing with any less difficult.
Sadly you have lots of company here, so pull up a keyboard,wander round the forums and join in. There is no pecking order so don’ feel you can’t join in because you haven’t had chemo.
there are several meets that go on so you might even get to meet some others from here in the flesh.
The helpline is also great even if you just want to talk to someone who knows what you’re going through.
best wishes and keep posting as long as you find it helpful. You may eventually feel that you don’t need the forums any more bbut in the meantime step right up and join in.
CM
x
Hi Kimbers and welcome
please keep coming on and talking - having somewhere to speak out about how you’re feeling is without price - it has kept loads of us going thro treatment and onwards.
North Yorks is so lovely - I’m not THAT far away in the North East - we have a group that meets up with members from Morpeth and Rothbury to Darlington and Middlesbrough - its a lovely group, if you are at the northern end of N Yorks and would find it helpful, give us a shout via this thread.
I can’t imagine being alone with this and I’m thinking of all of you who have to go through this without the support network that many of us have and get through it - I admire you all so much xxx
Hi CM, Hi Daisyleaf…sorry you are both here, but good to ‘meet’ you.
Another bad night, hot, tossing and turning, waking up often…I do beleive I cried out in my sleep…‘I can’t take this anymore’, then dozed back off!! Think I scared our Doogie dog half to death…Ha Ha!!!
I guess, what has taken the wind out of my sails is that I thought (stupidly), that when I was first DX with BC, that it would be a quick operation, zap with some sort of rays, sweep myself off and get on with it…it was only when I got my ‘free for five years’ prescription card that I thought ‘hold on…I don’t have cancer anymore, they cut it out’…I thought I would only need the prescription freebie for 6 weeks or so…silly huh! I didn’t realize it would have such a massive life changing effect and I am shocked by that. Add on the fact that I now have to take ‘loopy’ pills for five years and needless to say I am feeling slightly jaded by it all. All this anger/frustration is unlike me, I am usually bouncy, silly, good fun, deep, poetic etc, now I feel like a bag of coal that needs shoving in the outside shed…with the spiders, boy! have we got big ones out there…
BUT…my favorite thing to say right now is ‘I am ok in my not okayness’, and that is true, I am on top of it…just having a moan.
On a really nice vein, I have a friend who has breast cancer also, and we are actually meeting up today to go down to Saltburn, get lunch and do girlie things, so am looking forward to that.
And then we have beautiful Doogie Dog, we have just rescued him from Hull, he is great fun and settled in beautiful, (we had to put Smelly Dog Dylan’ 13 year old collie cross down whilst I was waiting for results, that was very upsetting and couldn’t stand not having a pooch around…), so all is not glum, just growlingly upsetting…
Thank you, for reading ‘listening’,…Kimbers x x
ps: my daughter lives in Darlington, I am over there sometimes…will keep that in mind…
Kimbers, your new dog, you rescued him from Hull. Gave me a laugh. X
North Yorks moors are so beautiful, much more so than Kent where I live. I’m a north Derbyshire moors girl originally. Too ‘nice’ around here.
Kimbers, I am ok in my not okayness. Great wee phrase - will remember that one - thanks
lilac x
Hi Hipchick…Hi Lilac…xxxx
yeah Doogie is from Hull, my chap found him on the internet, would not go and look anywhere else…just had to go and get him, actually turns out he is a short haired Labradoodle…(I thought his coat was strange) and he is hilariuosly funny, always doing something he shouldn’t…(he doesn’t drink water, he eats it, has to be seen, very funny) Lilac…Yeah my Landlady, when I first said that thought it was the best thing…just about says it doesn’t it though!!! Keep smiling…too many wrinkles are made by frowning…
Yeah Hipchick, North York Moors is stunning, we live on top of a small moor overlooking the village from the other side, the view is breathtaking, but sometimes even here I feel like a prisoner…still, least the food is good…Chaps family are from Derbyshire…beautiful down there…wasn’t Kent termed ‘the garden of England’ and didn’t Yorkshire nick that of you chaps…might have made that up, but I have a little memory in the grey cells…x
Just a quick thought about the “loopy pills” (I love that, though when I eventually get mine they’ll be the “even loopier pills”). Some people do better on different brands - APS, Wockhart, dunno I don’t have them yet, so you might want to try a different brand and see if the loopiness and sack of coal stuff improves.
And you just whinge away, missus, whinge away. Most if not all of us have had a wobble moment (and I’m not just talking about the excess poundage that BC so kindly gifts us with).
Kimbers, if you’re on anti-oestrogen, remember that your hormones will be all over the place until your system is used to them, as well as physical SEs like disrupted nights unsettling you as well. You can moan all you want here, because we know what it’s like.
A dog to be walked and beautiful countryside sound like a great calming opportunity, as I’m sure you already know. But when that’s not enough, there’s someone here.
Cheryl
Like others I do understand how you are reacting - something about this disease makes it really difficult to reach a stage of “acceptance” - I’m okish with that more often than when first diagnosed but it really does come and go. Great to know you are getting out and about - I have to keep my mind occupied which is why nights are sooo difficult at time.
Keep with us and keep sharing - I love North Yorks and thankfully myi son’s now at York Uni so it’s a great excuse to visit whenever we can; wish we’d not had to move from Harrogate to Nottingham 15 years ago!
Take care
x
Hi
the thing is, too, that you can reach a point where you can deal with it and then go ‘all to pot’ again - sometimes because you have a worrying symptom, or have a bc anniversary, have a mate dx’d, have a follow up appointment etc etc and other times for no apparent reason. It just follows its own path, I guess rolling with the punches is the best we can do until it loses some of its power over us.
here’s to peace of mind xxx
Daisyleaf, that is SUCH a great avatar, I love it!
(Now where did I put that box of frogs?)
chocciemuffin…what are the even looper pills you referred to…poor you 
!!!
i totally agree - it is hard to reach acceptance and just when I think you have mastered it, I fall off my perch again.
I find living alone with my kids very lonely and i have to be occupied too - i hate early mornings when there is noone to speak to - my mind takes me to lots of places i don’t want to go to sometimes.