I am a wimp, frightened and wanting to run away and hide.
I had surgery in March, first time in hospital ever. I am due to have FEC on 30th May. I have read every article known to man and his dog on the internet and am convinced I cannot hack it.
The doctor said I have a 60% chance of nothing coming back in 10 years if I do not have treatment. With treatment a further 30 % can be added. I still want to cut and run
Hi March13
I’m sorry to read you’re having such a tough time at the moment. I’m sure some of the other users will be a long soon to offer you their experience and support.
In the meantime it might help to give the BCC helpline a call and talk things through with a trained member of staff. Here you are able to share your feelings and concerns with someone who will offer you a listening ear as well as emotional support and practical information. The number to call is 0808 800 6000 and the lines are open Monday to friday 9 to 5pm and Saturday 10 to 2pm,
Best wishes Sam, BCC Facilitator
Hi
I had a full on needle phobia a year ago - I needed sedation even for routine dental visits. I really didnt think I would manage treatments, but I did! And without sedatives too. At one stage in chemo I was actually giving myself daily injections too.
As you go through this you will get some wonderful support - on here, from staff and from the most unexpected quarters. You will have days when you say Enough! but then remember why you are doing it, steel yourself and go on. I could have had hypnotherapy at my local Macmillan Centre but opted for head massage to help me relax which worked wonders.
I have finished Chemo now and look back at it with pride at what I managed to do. I still have 3 weekly Herceptin but that is nothing in comparison. Still involves needles, still cant look but easy to do.
You will find out so much about yourself through this, and you will come out stronger and more determined than ever.
Hope it all goes well for you.
Kahren
Hi, I am half way through chemo having had 3 FEC and just about to do 3 Doxatecol, I have not had my surgery yet. I can understand the roller coaster but it is doable. Talk to people and take each day as it comes. It effects everyone in different ways so please do not think you are going to get every side effect as you may get none or not many.
keep strong
tina
Morning March13! Firstly, you’re not a wimp. This whole thing is d*mn scarey, if we could actually run away from it we all would. But mostly, stop looking at stuff on the Internet. On a lot of googled sites you will rarely find anyone saying “it was fine. I got through ok. I coped with it. It wasn’t as bad as I feared…” because people generally only put their fears and anxieties out there. Stay on this site and Macmilan site, you’ll get accurate information and real people will tell you truthfully how they got on, and in all honesty it IS ok, it’s not fun but it’s not necessarily as bad as you might be thinking now. There are side effects but you might not get them, or you might not get them all, or you might find they are sorted with the right drugs etc . And you might be one of those lucky ladies who sails through it without anything, one lady in my chemo group did.
Of course the choice is yours, but an extra 30 percent chance at life…well, I’d take it…
(my treatment was last year, I had FecT, Avastin, mx, recon, rads, and am now on tamoxifen)
Thank you. It is easier to vent on here than at home. Everyone is supporting me but I can’t really open up and admit I am so stressed. It is as if I am supporting them.
I have changed from the person who everyone came to for advice, a high powered decision making job and a strong and sensible person to a weak and needy shadow. The only place I feel safe and ‘no one can get me’ is in bed. How ridiculous is this, to be able to say it in cyberspace but not to my husband.
Fear of the unknown is so powerful I suppose. I have never suffered any form of mental health problems, I am 52. I have grade 3 invasive tumour that is only weakly positive to hormones there is no spread to the lymph nodes. I know I should be grateful that is is primary and has been caught so very early. Yet I am worrying about if it has spread all over me because i have muscle and joint pain all the time. Might it have spread even though the nodes were all clear ? the sentinel node was removed and although clear I was told I should have fec and radiation, I wont be having pills afterwards.
I am going to meet the chemo team tomorrow and am scheduled to start FEC on 30th May.
Can anyone tell me if they had the first treatment and lived on their own ? My husband is out of the country for 18 days from 2nd June with no way of changing the commitment, so I will be on my own. My mind is running away with thoughts of being ill over night.
I am so angy with myself for even typing this, crying with anger and frustration that I am so ‘out of control’. I bet I won’t say all this to the doctors tomorrow either. Now I have found this site i will stay on it and put everything awful i have read on other sites out of my mind.
Hey March 13, you are not ‘out of control’. You are letting out perfectly understandable feelings and emotions in a safe (to you and others) way. Please please try to be compassionate to yourself. You are entitled to do so, especially after such a shock and distressing news. It will take time to come to terms with it.
There is such a strength in being able to show your feelings to others too. They will only be able to support you if you let them know how you are feeling and what is helpful. There is no need for you to be supporting them.
Do you have a BC nurse who can answer your questions? Again these are reasonable fears to have.
The main goal is to get through the treatment in the way kindest to you, whatever that may be. Use the support that is out there. Don’t feel embarraseed/guilty/ashamed. It’s there for all of us, no matter what the diagnosis. I found that most people wanted to help and relished being given the opportunity to show their love and care. If you can give them that by letting them know what is helpful it will be beneficial for all. I found getting texts/ emails of support very helpful as I live on my own. Just to know someone is thinking about me is great.
Sending virtual hugs
Suex
Hi March13, my diagnosis is almost identical as yours and I was given them on March 13th. What you are feeling is completely natural , it’s a fear of the unknown. I started on fEC in April and am part of the awesome April angels, a group of women who all started chemo in April. It is worth looking at these posts as it is very reassuring knowing there are others going through the same as you. Great tips on getting through chemo and its side affects. To be fair I have found chemo no where near as bad as I expected. There is a link here for ladies starting chemo in may and I am sure it will help you.
what your describing is normal, and not out of control.xx
Join the May or June group and you will find much support from all going through the same time. Take all offers of help however small - it one thing less for you to do. For me this was the most difficult thing as like to be in control. You are being strong by finding somewhere to vent your feelings safely and without hurting your family - well done you!
Hi March13,
You are not a wimp. Being frightened by a BC diagnosis (and all that it brings) is natural. You are also not alone … you’ve found this forum.
There are many of us going through treatment (including chemo) alone or with partners who work away for substantial periods. It’s frightening to contemplate, but with a little planning it is possible. I’m getting through with the support of the February Valentines. Joining the May or June group might make it that much easier for you.
Good luck,
Gill
I was terrified the night before the first chemo but the reality was not as horrendous as I had imagined. Have just done 2 of 3 FEC and it’s been far more manageable than I thought. Yes, I have had some nausea but nothing like as bad as I had for the first 4 months of pregnancy and with this at least it only lasts a couple of days and you can take something for it. I have been able to carry on much as normal albeit with less hair! Can only echo the advice of others - do join a starting chemo in… thread and you will get a lot of support. If you do have any side effects talk to your care team and they will be able to help. Hope it goes well
NB x
Hi and welcome,
Of course you are scared. I also think that for somebody who’s normally “Da Boss”, the feeling of loss of control is the hardest. You’ll manage though.
The first treatment is usually the worst by far, as one works oneself up into a state about it, and also, although there are excellent drugs to control the nausea etc, being all about the money, they won’t necessarily give you those until you are demonstrably suffering!
My sister in law had private treatment, and told them she threw up really easily, so they gave her Emend, and she had no problems at all. Here in Canada we have to pay for our side effect meds, so when I said I was most anxious about vomitting they prescribed it for me to start with too.
Other people seem to have to get sick with the first one, then you can usually get it for the second, and its a wonder drug!! If you can, persuade them to give it to you up front!
Keep posting on here. Whatever you are feeling or worrying about, there’s always somebody here who “gets it” and may be able to help. You do not have to “be strong, stay positive” or any of the cliches!!!
Thank you, I feel like I have found a huge amount of new friends. Just reading the replies this morning before I left for work has given me such a boost. I have decided to go ahead with the treatment and started to plan how I will cope. I am always far too busy to go out a lunchtime, but today i did and treated myself to new scrummy feather pillows and a silk pillow case. If I have to be poorly I plan on doing it in comfort !!
I would like to join a monthly group, do I just click on ‘reply button’ on the May Moonbeams ?
Yes, just “reply” there and introduce yourself. It’s not binding, you can post anywhere you like, but sometimes I find it hard to keep track on where I have posted. So I usually come to the “latest threads” section, then I get to read all the interesting stuff! 
Thank you.
I have found all the other threads now and I am glued to the laptop now. I have asked to join the May group. I have tonnes of questions, nearly all silly but I am going to ask anyway.
No such thing as a silly question on here!
We now have a “bookmark this” Tab at the top of each thread. If you click it for any threads you’ve commented on it’ll save it in the “My bookmarks” tab to the top left of every page, so you can find it again easily.
Hi I had FEC in Dec 2010. Really understand where you are coming from, but you have to be realistic
and realise that they are there to give you the best possible chance of survival. Understanding what you have and being able to get your head around it all is very daunting and I personally didnt want to read too much into everything,
as I think it can make the situation seem even more daunting. You really have to dig deep within yourself and remember that there are thousands of us out there, that have gone through the chemo and are here to help you and hold your hand whilst you are going through it.
I hope this helps, here if you need me.
Thank you Lisa,
I attended my pre-chemotherapy meeting this morning and spent a good 2 hours with the most lovely nurse. My head is in a better place now and I have agreed to the treatment which starts on 30th May.
Ann
Hi March 13
Now you have made your decision, you will begin to feel more relaxed about it. Especially reading posts by other ladies having chemo. I’m a February Valentine so if you have a look at our posts too, you will get an idea of what it is like as you are coming to the end of chemo. I have my last one next Thursday and it hasn’t been as bad as I expected. Wishing you all the best for you treatment.
Poemsgalore xx
Thank you so much Poemsgalore, such kind words. No doubt as the day looms nearer i will go into meltdown again. I had the best nights sleep last night than I have had since early March. I just hope I do not have any vomiting, I have a real issue with it and even if someone else is poorly or if it’s on the tv it makes me gag. I plan to sleep through the grief as much as I can.
My GP has prescribed anti depressants which I am not keen on using and I have not opened the packet. I admitted to the GP and the chemotherapy nurse that the only place I feel ‘safe’ is in bed. The GP must have decided I need the pills. The nurse suggested I take them through the treatment. I am worried my already mushed brain will implode if I take happy pills.
As a small gesture of acceptance of my having the treatment we went shopping this afternoon and I now have a supply of tinned pineapple cubes, prunes, constipation meds, immodium and a cuddly blanket to keep me warm in the freezer hat and some very fetching bright pink fluffy bedsocks. My husband was generous as always but I would have preferred something sparkly instead of that lot !
Ann - petrified as normal.