Paranoid

Public Archive
1

Hi all,

I feel really pathetic for making this post considering what a lot of you are actually going through but, as I’m normally the “strong” one of the entire extended family, I don’t feel I’ve got anybody I can talk to about this.

I’ve had a couple of breast lumps in the past (approx. 14 & 12 yrs ago) and they, thankfully, turned out to be nothing. Then, 10 yrs ago, I had cervical cancer which I think has made me overly paranoid!

Anyway, on to now. I recently noticed in the mirror that the outline of one of my breasts didn’t look quite as rounded as the other and on a closer look found a dent in the underside of my right breast. It didn’t really bother me so left it a few weeks until I had to go to the doctors about something else. He checked it out and felt some dodgy nodes or something and sent a referral to the breast clinic. When I got home I took a photo of the underside of my breast (they’re old and saggy so it’s hard to see what’s happening by just looking at them lol) and found that I actually have two dents rather than one.

I was fine and rational until I saw my doctor but since then (Tuesday evening) I’ve gone to pieces. I’m a 38 yr old lone parent of two children with special needs and I just keep imagining the worse at the moment and crying as soon as the kids are in bed. I just keep thinking of the worse case scenario and thinking if it does happen that not only will my kids lose their only parent but they’ll lose their pet dogs and the roof over their heads too.

Reading that back, I’m actually telling myself I’m bonkers! I’ve got an appointment for the breast clinic on the 7th Feb. so will know then whether I’m actually, truly bonkers.

Sorry for rambling and thank you if you managed to read it all, feel better for getting some of it out where people understand x

2

Hi Sillybum,

OK repeat afer me: “I am not silly, I am not a silly bum”

What you are describing is aboslutely normal… the waiting and wondering is the absolute pits, something most people find far worse than dealing with whatever the outcome of the breast clinic is.

A good imagination is both a blessing and a curse - and now yours is being the latter, as the evil ‘What If’ fairy whispers into your ear. I understand, I’ve been there too!

There are a few tips folk on here tend to dole out to one another, at least one of which is more like a mantra/motto… “don’t Google” - so much stuff out there is out of date, inaccurate or downright dangerous, so stick to good sites like this, the main BCC site, MacMillan or Cancer Research UK. Although I’ve never used it, the helpline is a real source of reassurance and advice - number at the top of the screen.

The other thing we say is ‘there’s so such thing as a silly question’, so ask away.

A word to the wise - choose carefully the threads you read on here, they reflect a wide range of stages and experiences and you could worry yourself unecessarily if you try to read them all.

You probably know that 90% of breast lumps or changes turn out to be benign and I really hope you are in the 90%. If worst comes to worst and it is cancer, you will get superb treatment tailored to your needs.

Hope that today you are able to get out and have some fun with your children.

Take care… and say it once more “I am NOT a silly bum”

3

Dear sillybum, welcome to the BCC forums

Please feel free to call our helpline for support in addition to the wonderful support here, the lines are open 9-5 weekdays and 9-2 Sat on 0808 800 6000

You may find the BCC publication, ‘Referral to a breast clinic’ helpful to read, here’s the link where you can read/download or order a copy:

www2.breastcancercare.org.uk/publications/worried-about-breast-cancer/referral-breast-clinic-bcc70

Take care
Lucy

4

Hi - I just wanted to say that I sympathise, im in a similar position.

I found a lump last monday and following a doctors appointment on Friday was referred… and Im now waiting for the appointment.

I hadnt really thought about it in the week, but since seeing the doctor, my mind has gone into over drive!!

I also think I can feel another small pea sized lump above my nipple, which the doctor didnt mention whilst doing his examination.

I swing from hoping it will be nothing, to thinking I have breast cancer. I feel for you, I have two boys aged 18 months and 9 years, and when I look at them I just want to cry. I wonder how they would cope, How I would cope, and it makes me really sad when I think my youngest probably wouldnt remember me if the worst happened.

Having said all that, Im usually not a worrier. I think its absolutley normal for us to feel the way we do, and I pray that when you go to your appointment it will be nothing.

My mum had breast cancer last year, it was found off the back of a routine mamogram, she had a lumpectomy and radiotherapy, and I’m happy to say they managed to remove it sucessfully. So when my mind goes into overdrive I try to think if its something, they will treat it.

Sorry for the long rambling post:) I really hope your appointment comes round quickly so you can get the reassurance you need xx

5

Thanks RevCat, I still think I’m a silly bum though lol

I will confess to the sin of googling, that’s how I found this place, but didn’t actually read much from other sites.

I’ve also been reading some of the threads and, rather than being worried by them, I’ve found them quite comforting. Reading what you’ve all been going through and seeing that most of you are still around, and sharing your wisdom, is reassuring :o)

I told my best friend what’s been happening a couple of days ago and she’s taken some time off work to come to the clinic with me.

Will be soooooo glad when Tuesday is over and done with!

Key0509, sorry to read about what you’re going through and really, really hope that you’ve had some positive news by now :o)

Right, off for ANOTHER glass of wine (had far too many of them over the past few days). Thanks for the replies and hope to be back here in a couple of days with some GOOD news.

Take care and all the best.
Sharon (sillybum) x

6

Well, I had my hospital appointment this afternoon and I don’t know how to feel at the moment. Mostly a bit stunned I think.

I was seen by a nurse, accompanied by a student doctor who just stood around like a spare part, who gave me a breast examination unlike any breast exam I’ve ever had (very rough) and I’ve had a few (been referred to the breast clinic by my doctor 13 & 15 yrs ago). She said she couldn’t see or feel anything wrong with my breast and when I pointed the dents out to her she said that wasn’t how she’d expect to see the dent (they’re visible all the time but easier to see when my breast is sort of squished towards the middle with my arm if that makes sense). She then said that there was a smaller dent visible on the other breast (it wasn’t there when I went to the doctors a fortnight ago and when I took pictures underneath my breasts for a better look) and said that there can’t be anything wrong if it was happening to both breasts (both breasts look very different and I haven’t found the dent in the other breast!). She then went on to say that my breast had probably always been like that but I just hadn’t noticed before! I am very breast aware as I was sent to look after my aunt, who was in the final stages of breast cancer, when I was 16 yrs old. Something I’ll never forget and something that has made me vigilant.
She then sent me for a mammogram and I was told I would see a doctor afterwards but I didn’t see a doctor but a man (not a doctor) came out and told me the mammogram was clear and I can go home. I tried to ask him if they had any idea of what had caused the breast changes and he just pretty much said there’s nothing wrong with you just go home.
I don’t know what to think now. I’m glad the mammogram was clear but my breast HAS changed and HASN’T always been like that and I just wish I knew what was causing it.
Sorry for the rant, and I know a lot of you are going through worse, but I just feel frustrated and fobbed off. x

7

Sharon, you are obviously very unhappy about the way you were dealt with today. Go back to your GP and say that family history gives you reason to worry. Ask for a scan to reassure you. No-one should leave a breast clinic without confidence in their diagnosis. You probably have nothing to worry about but it would ease your mind to have a more thorough investigation.
Everyone here knows exactly how you feel. You know your body better than anyone and you have the right to be listened to and to have your anxieties dealt with.
Good luck with any decision you make about further checks.
Love,
Kathleen

8

Sharon that sounds like a very grim and unsupportive experience. My hospital is a teaching hospital and there are often medical students and junior doctors around too and they usually aren’t allowed to do very much except gawp! However, it sounds like you had a very unpleasant experience.

They should send a letter or email to your GP with the ‘official’ description of your results, so you could ask your GP to explain them. I think you are also entitled to ask for a second opinion or for a new referral if you prefer.

Whilst it is great news that your mammo was clear you have this shadow of doubt hanging over you, and need to get it lifted so you can go forward reassured.

Maybe the helpliners here could assist too - the number is at the top of the screen.

9

Thank you both :o)

I’m going back to my GP on Tuesday and will ask him what info the hospital have passed on.

Also, my friend that came to the hospital appointment with me is popping round tomorrow evening and I intend to whip my breasts out in front of her so she can say if she notices any changes. I know that probably sounds daft but she was there when I gave birth to my eldest, saw me breast feeding and has been the victim of many a drunken flash (don’t know if I should admit to that!). It was also hard that she was the other side of the curtain when I was being examined and heard everything that was said so may also think that I’m a time wasting hypochondriac, which is what I feel like at the moment.

I am still also finding it hard to believe that the nurse couldn’t feel anything despite the two lumps I went about years ago still being there (first one was diagnosed as a breast mouse, second as a tissue island) and they both showed up on a scan and were both biopsied.

I don’t know, maybe I am a time wasting hypochondriac lol
Sharon x

10

Well, I know I’m not completely bonkers now!

The friend that came to the hospital with me came round, along with another friend, on Friday night so I asked them both to look at my breasts.

I didn’t need to point anything out to them because they both spotted what was wrong straight away. They also confirmed that both breasts were very different and they’re pretty certain I wouldn’t have nearly reached my 39th birthday without noticing the changes.

It probably sounds daft but I feel so relieved now, I really was starting to think I must be hallucinating or something.

I’m sure my GP will be relieved that he wasn’t hallucinating either when I talk to him on Tuesday lol

I had felt so down in the dumps since Tuesday because I thought I’d come away from the appointment with a reason and an all clear but have felt so much “lighter” since having my friends confirm what I’m seeing.

Anyway, sorry for rambling. It’s just good to be able to egt things out where others will understand.

Take care and hope everybody else is bearing up.
Sharon x

11

Hi Sharon,
Glad you feel a bit more reassured that you’re not bonkers!!! And really hope your GP is able to shed some light on matters for you. Remember, if you aren’t happy you can ask for a second opinion or another referral.

Hope today is a good one for you… and that you get some sleep tonight (you were posting in the wee small hours it seems)

12

Sorry for taking so long to update.

I did go back to my GP, explained what happened at the hospital, explained that I asked my friends to look at my breasts and all he kept saying was “The mammogram was normal, you haven’t got cancer”. I explained that I wasn’t saying that I had cancer but I was saying that I had sudden breast changes that must be being caused by something but he kept repeating the same thing. Things got a little “heated” in the end (I was getting frustrated, which led to me getting upset and when I’m upset I’m not very good at expressing myself) and during the consultation I asked for various things including a breast scan, a second opinion and/or some “happy” pills (was starting to feel like a time-wasting hypochondriac again!) which were all refused. He did, at one point, ask if things had gotten worse but didn’t seem to believe me when I said they had.

Anyway, as I said in my first post, I’d taken a pic of the dents after my first appointment, three weeks later (14th Feb., the day I went back to my GP and things got heated) I took another one and I took another pic on Sunday (4th March). Personally, I can see differences and I wondered if anybody would look at the pics and give me advice on whether I should push things further or just give up.

Here’s a link to the pics if anybody would be willing to look and give advice img198.imageshack.us/img198/4251/breastdents.jpg

Sharon

13

Sharon, my tumour didn’t show up on a mammogram, but turned out to be a grade 3. Just a little one, but still cancer.

First of all, give the helpline a ring. They are very knowledgeable and will be an uninvolved but interested person to speak to. They may also be able to give you specific advice on how to go about getting a second opinion, which I understand you are entitled to.

You are not paranoid, you are worried and concerned. Until you get to the stage where you are no longer worried and concerned, keep pushing for attention. If there’s something there, then best to get it dealt with and start treatment straight away. If there’s nothing there, better to get your worries addressed PROPERLY so you can stop worrying and get on with your life. Neither of those has happened so far, so you’re in the worst place really.

Good luck

CM
x

14

Thanks CM,

I will try to give the helpline a call tomorrow (kids permitting!).

I just know these changes aren’t normal for me but I just can’t seem to get anybody to listen! I was really hoping to come away from the hospital with some good news, like the old breast mouse was pulling on some ligaments or something but I ended up feeling like they’d made their minds up before I’d even taken my top off!

Thanks again.
Sharon x

15

Hi Sharon,

I went to see a new doc last week and came out feeling stupid and a hypochondriac. She told me to think positive and as I said on an earlier thread I was waiting for her to pat me on the head!
Saw a doc I know the next morning and everything went very well.
Is there a doc in your practice that you know a little better?
If so try and make an appointment with them, so hard when you are worrying and feel as though you are hitting your head against a brick wall.
Hope you get on ok xx

16

oh dear some time what you are thinking is wrong and what other are saying can be wrong as well. visit your doctor. let this doubt pass away by you and just relax.

17

Hi Sillybum,
I’m a similar age to you and my widespread dcis with microinvasion did not show up on a mammogram or ultra sound. It does happen, but that doesn’t mean that what’s happening to you. The point is, you do not feel reassured. Have they asked you to return to the breast clinic in a month for a follow up? It was at that point, after sending me away and being told all was ok, they took a FNA (fine needle aspiration) from an area that could be described as a thickening. No one expected the result that came back. This is why they have the 3 point test - mammogram, ultrasound, FNA.
I hope you feel listened to and reassured soon.
((hug))

18

Hi

I think you should strive for peace of mind NOW - maybe chat to a Breast Care Nurse or see a different GP if possible.

I would point out that I haven’t been diagnosed with BC, actually for all the sympoms I’ve had I have no diagnosis/explanation.

My story is (might be an idea to get a cup of tea, it’s long lol) that a few years ago I presented with eczema and was referred and didn’t get peace of mind as consultant thought I’d be recalled but wasn’t and I was left wondering did she see something the radiologists missed or something that wasn’t there!

Anyway, since then I have had burning pain in that breast/nipple and 18 months ago noticed an indent on the areola.

Due to past experience (felt like a time waster) it took advice on this website and talking to the helpline (report changes) to see GP and get a referral.

I saw consultant for about 10mins, didn’t feel able to tell her my concerns as she was quite dismisive, said she couldn’t see indent but in that 10mins did a quick physical exam - my GP seemed more thorough and an US and would send an appointment for a mammo - I’d been given the impression I was at a one stop clinic?!

Had mammo 2 weeks later, heard nothing (no results) so complained, BCN rang to tell me mammo clear and I said I wasn’t happy as indent was getting bigger so was given another appointment.

Consultant told me it was “wrong type of indentation” and the fact that so many sympoms were happening to one breast only "was just one of those things that happened to 1000s of women!

The result of this being that all this time later I keep popping back on this website in the hope of reassurance and maybe one of the 1000s of women have been on here and hopefully been given an explanation cos I’ve not been given one, tho I was told by the Consultant who couldn’t see it that it was due to weight loss (which I’d lost a little 6 months before indent appeared when my mum died!)

So as I say please get this sorted now, to not be 100% sure all is well is not good to live with, most of the time I’m alright, there’s just a little niggle that says what if…

If I had my time again, I would have researched more (read leaflets on this site) before going to GP/Clinic and would have been more insistant on an explanation at the time.

Sorry it’s long and I hope it’s of use

Best of luck

Sandra x

19

Sorry, I wandered off and buried my head in the sand for a while (terrible habit of mine).

Thank you all so much for the replies and the support.

I left things for a little while to get on with my birthday celebrations. First I had a “party” horse ride, then my actual birthday, then my annual pub “all dayer” a couple of weeks later (felt like the queen with all of those celebrations lol).

I went back to my doctor, armed with the pictures, and he has referred me back to the breast clinic (I didn’t even have to take my top off this time which made a nice change!) and my appointment is for Monday morning.

I also phoned the helpline and the lady I spoke to was lovely (confirmed that I could ask to see somebody else if the same nurse that I had the last time enters the room)but the conversation felt like my previous conversation with my doctor, along the lines of “They couldn’t see or feel anything and the mammogram was normal so that’s good” type of thing. I think this was my fault because I probably wasn’t making it clear that the nurse was saying she couldn’t see anything when I was sat, topless, in front of her.

Anyway, hoping that my appointment on Monday gives me some answers and reassurance but, with the way things have been going, I won’t bank on it!

Thanks again for the support.
Sharon x

20

Well, I had my second appointment at the breast clinic today. I saw a consultant this time AND the nurse I had last time. The consultant examined me, saw the dents, found an area of “nodular thickening” then sent me for an US scan of the area but the scan didn’t show anything.
They said to go back in three months but just realised that the appointment they made for me is for two months time so might have to change it.
Sharon x