for the love of god cried cried and im still crying and it 11.00pm.....

Going through breast cancer treatment Radiotherapy
1

Eveing lovelies, we i had a proper blip today and i dont no why. I woke up with tears rolling down the chubbsters , my first thought in morning cancer last thing at night cancer so no wonder.

had no sodding energy so i thought i cant cry all day so drag my self for a walk round the lake, jesus wish i had nt bothered arm was sore boob and back we sore ribs were on fire  infact i dont know why i didnt just bloody jump in!!!,

 

Got home eat copicious amounts of chocolat made me worse, then sister low a behold manged to ring a say well 2 more weeks and u will be back to normal…dear god i thought i was taking off from nasa in my head, i politely said yeah ur right.

Why will people neaver accept it a lifelong curveball now mentally for sure, what cancer doesnt take out ur body it robs from your mind…cruel beyond measure.

but we have to carry on.

i hope ill be back with a more jovell post soon. Just got the c blues today and no one to tell, not that they would be bloody interested, seems to be pasrt of the course unless it hit you.

 

 

So i bid my true friends who have listened to by chatters over the week a very peaceful goodnight xxxxx

2

Well, Lucaboo, I happened to wake up at 2.30 am, having slept since about 10.30. The cats thought it would be nice to get up, so we all did and had a little refreshment. Oh Dear! What a heart-rending message. It is very natural to need to have a good cry - cancer and its implications can suddenly sneak round a corner and hit us. Just let it all out.

 

Your sister sounds a little lacking in imagination. Would she respond better if you were less polite and explained more directly what you’re going through? I think people who haven’t had cancer themselves tend to take our own reactions at face value. If we appear to be coping and they think we’re agreeing with their platitudes, they continue to hand out more of the same. They think they’re doing the right thing. We have to educate them.

 

Here’s wishing you a more cheerful Sunday. You’ll be through the radiotherapy sooner than you think.

3

Lucaboo. Sue been awaje since, 3am with these bloody stabbing pains and just seen your post. So sorry that your sister is an idiot such a thoughtless thing to say to be honest it’s the sort of comment my mum comes out with a lot of the time hence reason husband hides the big knives when she visits. Typical luck we have months of lovely weather and when we decide to go away overnight it rains!! Wasn’t going to go because I was so exhausted but now I’m wide aware! Where the hell is the logic in that.
Anyway back to you and how your feeling
. No 1 Have you tried the Aloe Vera to cool the burning
No 2 Are you drinking enough water
No 3 Regular pain killers to keep pain in check
No 4 Close your eyes count to 10 and think about how far you have come so far
Next few weeks will be hard I think we both know and accept that but when Rads are finished we are going to have a face to face meeting down a few drinks and put two fingers up to all of the
No 2

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Sorry pressed enter to early … SHOULD SAY Two fingers to all the thoughtless selfish people in our lives. We have done this despite them and are stronger for it. Will text you tomorrow keep brave lady sending you big hugs. Chris x

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Just checked on forum after having had a definite downer last night and today - sleeplessness too, just like the rest of you, only to see your absolute howl of anguish, Lucaboo… , so sorry you are going through this, so sorry we all are… I do think such a lot of your distress has stemmed from the ignorant behaviour of your relatives, you felt so abandoned and hurt and that shone out… cannot believe they can be so selfish, You must think of yourself now, and in the future with them, for sure. No doubt they will conveniently forget this neglect of you when next they need support ! Such is life, and relatives…sometimes … 

 

Agree totally with the anguish of waking and going to sleep (when I can) thinking of this s@@@ing thing first and last…I completely embarrassed myself on Friday on a visit to GP, I was nervous as appointment was going to be with an unknown doctor, was dreading a cold, impersonal reception and as always, worrying whether I’d mishear and struggle with my deafness…I wanted to ask about counselling, it’s not something as straightforward as ‘I’ve got a cough or backache ‘ - no, it’s “I don’t know who or what I am any more, I’m just clinging on hoping to struggle out of this nightmare that has clouded me like some sort of toxic fog, - positivity? What’s that ? - will I ever enjoy anything again without this horrible doubt that it’s lurking…” 

So no, not a typical GP visit, mind you, I very rarely went to docs anyway, except back in April with this !

 

I ended up a sobbing wreck and embarrassing myself totally, (stupid silly old woman), with this lovely, concerned young registrar (Oh the shame…??) She was kind, patient, understanding and really really helpful too, but I still burn with embarrassment , dear Lord! Squirming now, remembering…

 

Anyway, thank goodness for great, level-headed, intelligent advice from Appletree, mcnulcc and Sue, sorry I’m not level headed at the mo, but sending you a big hug anyway…xxxx

 

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A big group hug everyone ?
I only wish I’d found this place when I was having meltdown in the early days, but I was too scared to go online when first diagnosed!
ann ?

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Sue c …im at Aintree xx

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Thankyou Ann its lovely xxx

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Thankyou to all the lovely ladies that have taken time to post to cheer me on, it is so got me through a turbulent time as it has been for all of you at times. Love and hugs xxxx

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Lucaboo, how are you doing . You must be on session 7 as I’ve just done number 8 ?

Just recovering from crash meltdown depression that hit days ago ? - sorry, but def feeling a bit better today, came on here to see all the lovely group hugs, thank you Ladybowler, Ann-m and Sue C for those, made me feel warm inside and not just on this boob! 

 

Sue C  - as you’ve probably guessed by now I’m at rads treatment stage, was diagnosed with Grade 2 IDC Her -, ER + , had full ANC clearance as nodes were positive plus tumour size then was thought to be 6cm.Thankfully turned out to be only 3 cm - the rest was scar tissue, fibroadenoma, a papilloma, plus DCIS… good grief…Before they knew this for certaiin, surgeon said he would try and do a TM but if tumour was too big it would be a mastectomy, so I went into surgery not knowing what would happen… it was a TM and clear margins, so that was OK!! Two surgeons said I’d need chemo because of two positive nodes out of the 21 they removed, plus apparent vascular invasion, so I got hair cut really short in anticipation and started stocking up the chemo bag … went to oncologist and got floored, totally. She put up NHS Predict and said that chemo was of little benefit to me, small percentage 3.6 percent, while Letrozole was 8 or 9, can’t recall which…

I had to make decision myself , which was so so hard, but in the end decided to forgo chemo and go straight to rads. Started Letrozole six weeks ago and yesterday got measured for compression sleeve and glove as I have the beginnings of Lymphoedema, oh joy !! 

 

Still torturing myself with have I done right re chemo? Also feel guilty as I look around at all the lovely people who helped me earlier on and see them all now going through their chemo fights, bless them all…

Hoping this mental anguish will get better, (please) and  I’ve asked to be referred for counselling or whatever by GP, hope that will help !

 So many of us going through the same thing though, it’s so very hard to see and feel all  this suffering, just wish for a magic wand !!

 

Ladybowler, thanks for your tips re Polymem, I’ve suffered with redness since the TM and have a scar running right  in the crease of the breast, (not helped by stitches in there that don’t dissolve either, got some out but hoping more will be removed for me on Friday) and it’s beginning to feel kind of sore… getting the stabbing pains everyone else seems to but things in general are feeling a little tender, as this is only number eight I’m taking precautions and have ordered some Polymem, I’m trying to just put cotton gauze under there at the moment but it keeps falling out ! 

 

Roll on last sessions for us all - it’s mcnulcc  to finish on Friday and get the bells pealing I think ? 

 

 Lots of luck xx and thanks, you’re all great, hope you know that ! 

 

 

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Oh and Gill3105 and Sunflower, 

 

Thanks so much to you two as well, you are recently finished with all this but are still there posting advice and reassurance for us ‘still getting raddled’ ones ! 

 

Appreciated, more than you’ll ever know xx

 

Thistle x 

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Hi lovely ladies
Thistledown yes today is my next to last session and I will be ringing the bell tomorrow. Another part of this journey completed. So looking forward to a break from the hospital. Next appointment not till 5th October so happy to be able to plan things without having to consider appointments

.We were supposed to be on holiday in Russia this week my 60th birthday present from my husband who has been so good throughout all of this booked it over a year ago Needless to say we had to cancel so we have a few days next month booked to go down to London. I put all my birthday celebrations on hold it was actually in July
couldn’t face being all happy smiles to family and friends when I felt like I had a **bleep** cloud over me. I did have a couple of counselling sessions and they helped me with some of the issues I had but I am still not sure that mentally I am that strong. Still get very tearful and everytime I put the TV or radio on up pops another b#### cancer advert or appeal. I am going out with my closest girl friends next week to belatedly celebrate my birthday part of me wants to ring them and say I’m still not up to it but I know if I do that I will just make another excuse for when it’s rearranged. I’m sure everyone will agree the mental impact of this is on occasions just as debilitating as the physical ones. So it’s great that we can come on here to share our pain as it were and realise that this is all perfectly normal.
I wish all of you ladies the very best of luck over the next few weeks. I’m sure we will still be visiting from time to time when we are visited by those worry gremlins or that odd pain starts to worry us or our mother family or friends say the most inappropriate things.!!! Love and best wishes to you all Chris xx

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One more done, now six to go…?

 

Helena, the Polymem is on the way, hopefully I will slap it on the right way round ! And thank you for your encouragement re counselling, I am still deciding which provider to ring, going to research them all a bit maybe…I’m sure it’ll help, I and my daughter had a Reiki session a few weeks ago and that was nice… very calming.

 

Sue - no real problems so far with Letrozole, interestingly I see that you are having probable SEs with Crescent brand, that was the one I got first from the hospital and I had no problems at all with it, the next lot was Teva, from my pharmacy, and I almost immediately got hot face and sweats - the old menopausal symptoms ! Calmed down a bit but I still get them at odd times, no joint pains so far tho - fingers crossed…

Wonder if the brands are to blame? I have my DEXA scan this afternoon so will be interested to know how the bones are doing… I hope the change of brands will bring you relief again.

 

mcnulcc, what a shame re your Russian trip, hope you get to enjoy your few days away though…Once we are safely past these happenings and a bit further up the road, we can be like our ‘bosom buddies’  on this forum and start to enjoy life without this cloud…live in the moment (however’ look forward to stuff as well) and enjoy the simple things… Get that 60th celebrated with your friends.

 

I have decided not to let this dratted thing get in the way of the stuff I enjoy, which is messing about in our old river cruiser, lymphoedema or not I will be jumping on and off and mooring that boat, flinging ropes, and opening locks with gusto ! Using the right arm of course…

Just wish I could load all of you on for a tranquil river trip with on tap Prosecco and strawberries, (or a cuppa if preferred), - sunshine, swans, dragonflies and water lilies are a must as well. You can see why I like it! 

 

If any of you are up this way (boat is moored in Ripon), it’s an open invitation. A booze cruise - or in our case, a boo(b) cruise !! 

 

Lucaboo, hope you are doing ok …

 

Thank you to all again, and all the very best of luck xx

14

Congrats Chris. Ring it loud and clear and read the poem. Always around if you need a chat in the next few weeks. Go out and enjoy with your friends. Take care and we’ll done x

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Dear Lucaboo,

 

Your comments about counselling, and it being your job, knowing the tools etc but still you are suffering, really struck home with the realisation of how much mental anguish this awful cr@p has given us ?..I have never been much of a coper - have struggled through depression in the past, and moving forward from this is going to be monumental. But you know, you can do it, and I’m trying…

Hopefully we can stick around as you say, and give each other mental support and virtual hugs in the days ahead.

 

Chris - you’ll be counting the hours to your last rad tomorrow …yay…!

 

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Hi Thistlewdown…i for one will defo be on here after ive finnished treatment for support and chats, because no matter what friends or jobs etc you have no one and i mean no one know the feeling if a cancer diagnosis unless they have had one. Nobidy fault but yoy need ti gave people around yiu who truely understand like this forum. I will be around fir cgat ups and diwns and hopefully laugh with anyone who needs them. You have all helped me so much ur are my virtual family…sending love and strength to all u lovelies xxxxxx

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God sorry about typos bloody keyboard lol xx

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?- I’m on the iPad and this keyboard has a life of its own too… must get round to cleaning the screen …

 

xx

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Today i felt very teary but just reading through all your posts has helped.
We all seem to have the same fears and worries and reading about them here and across the forum makes me know Im not on my own.
Thanks xxxx

20

And thanks to you too Lilacmoon, your posts have been a comfort often, nearly had a teary moment yet again this afternoon ! 

Just kept telling myself…it’s the treatment, but then I remembered the really kind, understanding staff I’ve seen today, for rads and removal of a sore stitch that had poked its way through, and cried again…

Bless them all.

 

xx