36, new mum and terrified

Diagnosed with breast cancer Recently diagnosed with breast cancer
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Hi community,

I was diagnosed with breast cancer that has spread to my lymph nodes yesterday. I’m floored. I’m 36 and have a beautiful 1 year old daughter and I’m terrified of leaving her. I’m still breastfeeding. I can’t remember the exact type, the surgeon mentioned something that didn’t sound good and I can’t bring myself to look it up. It’s suspected IBC, but awaiting more tests to confirm. I know it’s aggressive, so the wait is so so hard to take, just knowing it’s in there multiplying at speed and I just want it gone. They say it could be three weeks before all tests are done and results are back. That feels far too long? I have an amazing support network, but I’ve never felt more alone. If anyone could provide me with some solidarity or words of hope that would go a really long way. I’m so scared.

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I don’t think three weeks is that long actually but of course it feels like three years. This is by far the most awful time and it is entirely natural that you are spooked.
I’m not quite sure how far along you are if they have already told you of lymph node involvement. It would be helpful if next time you see or speak with your medical team, you note down all the facts and names, types, etc, otherwise we are all guessing in the dark. If you find it difficult, take someone with you to your next appointment whose job will be to take notes. You can then research what you are dealing with.

I know some people don’t like researching information; personally I found knowledge was power and the more informed I was, the more able I was to discuss future options.

Sounds like you have been caught at an early stage which means you are going to have a good outcome. Of course it is daunting, the more so at a time when you want to be engrossed with your baby. But this is where you are and you need to face it head on. Get through these weeks of high anxiety and you will have a treatment plan. Then you quite literally put one foot in front of the other each day until you have finished. I can promise you the time goes quickly and each day you will be on the road back to full health. Be kind to yourself accept your fears as natural but above all know that you will come through this and emerge into the sunlight with cancer a distant memory

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Hi @Beccc

Really sorry you’re going through this- some amazing women on this forum really got me through those dark early days, so i hope i can help you a bit!

I was diagnosed with triple negative stage 3 breast cancer in early June (big tumour and in the lymph nodes). I was absolutely knocked sideways. Im 38 with a 7 year old and 3 year old. I have no family history of any cancer, and, barring my kids births, have never had any medical issues.

I almost didn’t book a gp appointment- i didnt really have a lump, more of a ‘ridge’ under my nipple. The only reason i bothered was that one evening i had a couple of really sharp stabbing pains in the nipple. So thought i might need antibiotics for an infection.

The GP told me it was probably a cyst but out of an abundance of caution put in a referral to the breast clinic. Three weeks later, i strolled into the breast clinic thinking id have a scan and be sent on my way.

Four hours, and many many scans and biopsies later, i was told that they’d seen a 6cm tumour and swollen lymph that was almost definitely cancer.

Honestly, i collapsed mentally. It was the hardest month of my life. I couldnt tell my kids as i didnt have all the info. I had to have a CT scan and between diagnosis and then, id convinced myself that the cancer had spread and Id be told there was nothing they could do. I couldnt eat, or sleep. I felt like i was in an alternate universe and I was a ghost haunting my old life, watching while it all went on around me. Absolutely hideous time. Im so sorry you’re in that now, its dreadful. Having to try and hold it together with small kids is another layer of hell. Everytime i looked at them i would cry, imagining them growing up without me. It was torture.

Ok, the good news is- it does get so much better/easier. You have to dig deep, like really deep. Just remembering to breath, to eat, to move your legs, in the approximation of being a person. But the diagnosis become less frightening the more information you get. Soon, you’ll have all the results you need and your team will give you your plan, and then youll be on the chemo/surgery train and will feel like you’re finally doing something useful. Even if it’s stage 4- and it probably isnt - there are a lot of treatments now and people live well with them.

Breast cancer is a surprisingly very well trodden path too- what i find very reassuring is just how mundane my cancer and treatment is for my oncologist! I realised that, although it’s life changing for me, it really is just a normal, boring treatment plan for them- which is great, as you want to be boring!

Im now about 7 weeks into chemo. I could have never believed how much my life could pivot overnight. But i do feel optimistic now in a way i could have never imagine during those weeks after my diagnosis. I have some very effective treatment and my odds of beating this are good- yes, not as good as not having cancer, but still, i really do have every chance of living a long life! Ive adjusted my expectations of this year, but ive realised that not everything has to stop completely. Im planning on returning to work part time in September, and have started planning a whole heap of holidays for when treatment is over.

I hope this gives you a bit of hope. Im still very much in the thick of it, but the despairing, life altering feeling of initial diagnosis has faded now, and it will for you too. Be brave. You can do this. It’s hard, yes, but doable. Xx

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Thank you both so much. I’m so sorry you’re in this too but your messages have helped beyond belief. You’ve summed up so perfectly how I’m feeling in this alternative weird world. I’ve plucked up the courage to read the letter and it says I’m HER2 positive and this which I don’t fully understand:

Left (medial aspect) Periareolar oedema with a 45mm G2 IDC 8/5/3 and palpable LNB5 (at least 3 abnormal looking LNs)

it was explained to me during the appointment but I of course didn’t take anything in after the words cancer. My husband either. I feel like I can just about get through the days with distraction and trying to be positive, but I didn’t sleep a wink last night from the nighttime scaries. Any tips on getting some sleep? I know it’s so important, which makes it even more stressful!

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My sleep was dreadful- honestly, i went and cried on the GP and she kindly gave me some sleeping pills. Worked a charm, and it was a relief to know i would get 8 hours of non worrying time every day. Do everything you can to get through this time, it’s the worst.

So the HER positive is good because it means you’ll be able to have targeted treatment as well as chemo. Have they mentioned what your treatment might look like yet? Its not the same for everyone, but what ive picked up is that if you have lymph node involvement/a big tumour then chemo seems likely, either before or after surgery (in my case possibly both). I was dreading chemo but it hasn’t been as bad as i thought, and it’s very motivating to literally feel the cancer shrink week on week.

Sending lots of love. If you are anywhere near liverpool (or i think they can put you up for the night), there’s a breast cancer now event in early oct for younger women..im hoping to go, as i really value the support of other women with younger kids at the moment. I know cancer is shit for everyone but there’s something about having to process it while also having to pretend to be a vending machine (as per my youngest’s request) that makes it uniquely challenging.

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That’s a great shout, will get some sleeping pills asap for that sweet relief and pray it doesn’t haunt my dreams!

Ok thanks for that. Yes they’ve mentioned chemo first but said they can’t say until all my results are back. Good to hear you’re not finding it too awful. Have you lost your hair? My best features have always been my tits and my hair :joy: so this is all very inconvenient!

oh I would love to join something like that with some other youngish mums, I’m a bit too far south annoyingly. But will see if anything happening closer to home for sure. Haha mine isn’t quite old enough yet for vending machine role play but going from sleeping bunnies to cancer is definitely a strange one

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Dear @Beccc - what Wild says here resonated with me, and everything she says is absolutely true.

I am 4 weeks into treatment. Now I am in active treatment, I feel strangely optimistic as well and back in control over this. Those first few weeks after diagnosis are so very very hard and extremely traumatic. Like you, I didn’t remember some of the details of what my surgeon said and my brain was filling gaps with things that weren’t true. And like Wild, I felt like I was in some kind of alternative universe.

I ended up calling the specialist breast nurse who was in that awful appointment with me, and I also went back and sat with her and we spoke for ages about what he said, what it all meant - and she was the one who directed me to this charity. Don’t sit and worry, call the people and ask the questions. It doesn’t matter if you have asked them before and forgotten the answer. You are in shock. Keep asking if you need to.

Again to cite wise Wild, the further along the staging\treatment planning route I went, it did get a little easier, especially after meeting my oncologist, who is f***king tough, but amazing. Little tiny snippets of hope came in as well when you least expect them, I met people who had been through this and were now in recovery (the lady who booked me in for my port for example!) and when I got my BC type, I registered for a BCN Someone Like Me buddy, and she is an ANGEL. Real people who have lived this will be so helpful to you. Please do this too.

Chemo isn’t a fun filled party, and I won’t pretend it is however, once you get that first one done, you’ll be back in control of this and one step closer to being well again. Plus you will be treated so beautifully and kindly by the team on the ward. They really are phenomenal people. You’ll be monitored throughout, and made sure you are comfortable and supported. The wider team will monitor your bloods and vitals and can adjust things if necessary, they want to kick the sh1t out of your tumour but they also don’t want you to suffer unnecessarily so please bare that in mind.

Use ALL the resources on here that you can, look at Look Good Feel Better for some workshops on skincare, nail care and hair regrowth. If you are able I’d go to one in person too and you will meet other people in your situation.

And like Wild says - Her2+ means they have the stuff to really target it, and beat it to a pulp.

Sending you so much love xxxxx

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Hello @Beccc , welcome, it’s nice you found us but we all wish you didn’t have to.

I was also 36 at diagnosis (I’ve just turned 37), with one daughter, though she is 6, so bigger than yours. My diagnosis is a bit different to yours (my cancer is lobular type, but also Her2 positive), though at diagnosis it was a similarish size. I was prescribed upfront chemo (5 months) plus targeted therapy, and I’ve recently had surgery to remove the tumour bed and sentinel lymph nodes (all negative).

One thing I found it really really helpful to hold onto is that the whole team describes my treatment as curative. Cured, is the objective. Have your team used that language at all? If not, or you can’t remember, it could help to clarify. Like you, I had a battery of tests to check for spread etc, including a nuclear bone scan. All were clear though I did have to have a second biopsy on the other breast to check something.

You are in one of the scariest phases. Yes, treatment is scary, especially chemo, but the uncertainty is what puts us in a tailspin. Treat yourself kindly, do your best to verbalise your feelings (me and husband did a lot of our crying in this period), and try not to spiral.

On chemo - not fun, sure. But also, not completely awful. With adjustments to my work pattern, I was able to work through it and care for my daughter. You’re gonna be just fine. A good wig, some nice free makeup from Look Good Feel Better, and the nice women on your Chemo Starters monthly thread will help you get through.

Big hugs. You’ve completely got this. X

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Thank You, I’m really clinging onto those words :heart:

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Thanks for your kind message @felineoptimist

Unfortunately (I’m guessing) they haven’t used the word curable, just treatable. Which is a perhaps a bit of a worry!

That’s amazing that you could carry on working through chemo, I imagined months on end in sick beds!

trying not to spiral but I can’t lie, my mind is just going to walking into the room to receive my results and my surgeon saying the words “sorry it’s terminal”

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@Beccc hi Beccc I joined this group of amazing women a month or so back have been diagnosed her2 also with a little one. I start my chemo on Monday the plan is tight and they have said a number of times how good it is. I have not slept amazing so can’t give you any advice on that sorry!! All I can say is do what you need to do at this time and honestly contact this group their experience is so helpful especially when I have asked about chemo stuff xxc take care

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Thanks for reaching out @titch1 I’m Sorry you’re here too and good luck with the chemo :heart:

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Hello, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Similar to you, I was diagnosed late last year at 37 when my wee one was 13 months and felt like the world had caved in. I didnt have my first surgery until February which felt like a painful wait but I was on Tamoxifen in the interim to stop it spreading. Because I had multiple tumours and lymph node involvement I’ve just finished 8 rounds of chemo. I wont lie, it was pretty brutal but we got through it. Ive got 4 weeks of radiotherapy to go, medical menopause and 3 years of targeted therapy. It’s all so daunting still but it’s way better than the outcomes I imagined when first diagnosed. Its really shit and terrifying and I’m sorry you’re here but I would say now, what would have been the worst year of my life has also been filled with absolute joy watching my wee boy turn into a wild toddler, a lot of my relationships have got so much stronger and there’s an end in sight. Life might not be the same, but you’ll get through it and there’s loads of us here to support you walking the same path. Sending you a giant virtual hug :heart: Breast Cancer Now offer peer support which is great, its called Someone Like Me. Maggies are also brilliant. Xx

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Also dont worry about ‘treatable’..i clocked that they pretty much exclusively use that until youve had your scan results. Doesnt mean they’re expecting the worst

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Hi Beccc,

I hear you. When I was dignosed it took 2 months for them to confirm treatment plan with me. It was terrifying until I understood what was happening in the background. There’s a whole team of people that are working to ensure they get the correct information from your tests - when they treat you they want to give you the best chance.
Ask your medical team/breast care nurses for information and to tell you what’s happening and why its taking the time it is. the more you know and understand the better.
If you have the diagnosis information, you can call macmillan nurses or speak to the nurses here to understand what it means in terms of risk. I was told I had a grade 3 stage 1 tumour and I kept pushing till I had some clarity around that - it was agressive but a few days or weeks in my case didn’t matter. Getting the correct treatment, that’s critical.
Information is your friend here, and will give you autonomy and control so you understand the decisions and the risk. Its tough and not easy when you’re going through it but finding out what you’re dealing with so you can start to understand and be involved in decisions about your healthcare will help.
Maggie’s have drop ins as well if they’re near you, you can speak to a cancer specialist to ask your questions.
Ask, ask and ask again if it doesn’t make sense. There’s no such thing as daft questions and if people aren’t explaining it to you so you understand, then they need to do it again till it makes sense to you.
Take care and you can do this x

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Periareolar = around your nipple
Oedema = fluid/swelling
G2 = grade 2 (mid range growth not aggressive but not slow)
IDC = invasive ductal carcinoma
8/5/3 I’m guessing is hormone receptors for oestrogen progesterone
Palpable = can be felt
LN = lymph nodes

I hope that helps but please get in touch with your breast cancer nurse for clarification. It’s part of their job and they know people don’t take it in initially. My clinic is very good at writing stuff down in the back of the BCN booklets so you take it away with you.

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Becca,

I am so sorry this happened to you. It is a very scary thing to go through. I can’t imagine having a new baby and being told I have cancer. I was 66 when they told me I had invasive ductal carcinoma her two positive breast cancer in September 2025. With lymph node involvement, my life shattered like most of these women thinking about leaving their small children I thought about leaving my special-needs son who I am soul caregiver of. Fast-forward almost one year and I’m happy to say after six rounds of chemo a double mastectomy in March 2026 and almost finished with my immunotherapy. I am no evidence of disease on September 21 of this year. I will be ringing the bell. God is good and you will get through this. It was not always easy and there were days that we’re challenging but you will get through.

One of the things that was very hard was losing my hair. My hair mbefore cancer was beautiful straight blonde hair and now that it has growing back, it is curly salt and pepper hair. They say once your hair follicles begin to reactivate your hair should come back to your pre-cancer. I am sure hoping that happens.

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Hi @Beccc and welcome to the forum that nobody wants to join but when you are here you will be supported. 3 weeks seems about right for them to look at the pathology and have a MDT (multi disciplinary team) meeting to discuss your plan. For you right now, it may seem too long but I was informed most cancers don’t grow that fast,

I was older than you and had grown up children but getting a cancer diagnosis is daunting for everyone. For me it felt like I got on a rollercoaster or ferris wheel that kept going round and round and could t get off until my treatment was over. I trusted my doctors were doing what was right for me, every treatment plan is individualised for you. I had ER+ and HER+ and had one tumour in each naughty boob, which after clear genetic testing, I was informed my daughter would get earlier screening. Two separate tumours are classed as two close relatives. HER2+ is an aggressive cancer but is treatable. Many doctors won’t say you are cured until you have got to 5 years . I was told my cancers were treatable and they were hoping it would be curative. I had to wait 2 months from diagnosis to surgery, which was 3 months from finding the first lump as I had multiple tests and waits for results. I had surgery, chemo with 18 cycles (1 year) Herceptin, with radiotherapy, 5 years of aromatase inhibitors (endocrine/ hormone/treatment)and 3 years of zoledronic acid (bone infusion).

I would like to sign post you to services provided by BCN you may find helpful.

  • Helpline: 0808 800 6000 (Mon-Fri 9am-4pm; Sat 9am-1pm). Speak to our trained helpline team. No questions are too big or too small.

  • Ask Our Nurses: You can message our nurses here on the forum, or confidentially. Whatever you prefer.

  • Someone Like Me: Will match you with a trained volunteer who’s had a similar experience to you. They’ll be a phone call or email away to answer your questions, offer support, or simply listen. Call on 0800 138 6551 or contact our email volunteers

  • Younger Women Together: For people 45 and under. You can choose the support that suits you: online, one day or 2 day residential events. Find an event.

    Take care

  • :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

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What a lovely, helpful, practical and reassuring answer you’ve given to this lovely lady who is beginning her journey that we’ve all had to go on. Your words are so practical and positive which I know sounds odd with such a diagnosis but I’m so struck by your honesty and positivity. You really are such a compassionate and lovely person and I’m just so very impressed with your response to someone who is going through such a tough time. Just what’s needed for this forum. Sending you such love and thanks for your support. xx

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Hello all. My mum was diagnosed with stage 2 TNBC last November and so many of the feeling you’ve described are exactly what I felt even though it wasn’t me going through it (crying whenever I looked at my young children etc).
I just wanted to hopefully give you a little hope during what I know is the darkest of times. My mum went through 12 doses of chemo, using the cold cap which meant she actually retained a decent amount of hair throughout. The tumour eventually shrunk to the point it wasn’t measurable and the lymph nodes returned to normal size too. The chemo was hard at times but we celebrated getting through each one. Then the surgery was able to remove a small amount of tissue around where the cancer had been. Honestly so impressed at how hardly noticeable the scars are. My mum has been told she is now cancer free and is just having some further treatment to reduce recurrence risk.
Last Christmas I was looking at her thinking she could be gone next year. Now we’re looking at being able to move on with our lives cancer free. They can work miracles and there is hope :heart:

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