I was dx last march. Wle and snb that month, then 6xfec-t Chemo ending in august, radiotherapy through sept/ October and tamoxifen since around the same time.
I feel I am mostly doing pretty well. I am not depressed or down. I am 36 and have 2 little boys aged 3 and 5, and I’ve slotted back into mummy/wife role well. I appreciate and enjoy the mundane day to day stuff and would say I am happy more than I’m not. I have low times where I rant and rave, cry and generally am scared to death.
My concern is that I think I may be overdoing it. Mostly, this is unavoidable given that I gave a young family. But I also catch myself thinking I have to squeeze everything in before I get sick again, and enjoy having a bit of gait before I lose it again, or find I am trying to resolve all lifes problems like decorating my house, doing memory boxes for my boys and setting things up do it’s easier for my family when I’m no longer able to do stuff because I am poorly or no longer here.
I think that lots of people have the same kind of thoughts as me. They don’t cloud my mind all thd time, they come over, I get upset, they pass. But most of the stuff I read, including the dr peter Harvey article, seem to deal with really low feelings whereas I think I may be a bit more manic? I’m not really worried about myself, but I am just wondering if other people have gone through this after treatment has finished? And did they settle into a more relaxed approach to life?
Vickie I am on a similiar timeframe to you diagnosed a year ago (this Friday) and having mastectomy, chemo, rads etc and now on hormone theropy. When my treatment came to an end I felt so relieved to get it over with but then was hit by this emotional turmoil what now etc… I haven’t been down or depressed as such - don’t get me wrong I have had my dark moments but like you I am keeping myself very busy and probably hiding behind this ‘busyness’ I suspect this is so I don’t dwell on things. I am working full time, lots of travelling at work and got quite a responsible job - I am organising lots of evenings out/events with friends family etc, I have booked a holiday abroad for next month, I have just put an offer in for a new house which has been accepted, the house needs completely refurbishing and will be a huge project. On top of this I am doing all the normal usual things, cooking, cleaning, shopping etc etc… To be honest I realise I am expecting too much of myself and whilst I want to ‘live’ a normal life I think I am trying too hard and am not really acting normally or rationally. I have now decided I need councelling and have been referred. I am hoping this will help me cope with the situation better, still live my life, but in a balanced way accepting my BC rather than trying to run or hide from it… xx (gawd reading this back, I sound completly unbalanced)
Vickie, it’s early days yet, I still think we are rehabilitating, dealing with a kind of “post traumatic stress”. During surgery/Chemo/rads there is no time to think because we are so busy with very physical aspect of bc treatment, after that has finished we have to deal with the emotional fallout. That takes time and everyone will do it in their own unique way. whatever feels right, is the right way for you. Maybe time is the key, who knows how we will feel next year? Tina x
Vickie, I think I understand how you’re feeling, because I’ve kind of been there, six years ago.
After my first diagnosis I had a bit of a low for a couple of months (bear in mind no treatment, so we’re talking after surgery) and then felt manic, just as you describe - I was desperate to celebrate life and do as much as possible. It was as if I had to fit everything into my life NOW, in case it was all taken away from me at any moment (was thinking car crashes/freak illness etc, not just cancer!).
I nearly drove OH away by coming home with holiday brochures for the Maldives or skiing, demanding to start a family NOW (even though we knew we needed to wait), wanting to meet friends, see exhibitions, plant the garden etc. So I see where you’re coming from.
Hopefully, we’re both normal! It did pass for me - I calmed down and began to take life for granted again, too much so and too soon. But it’s hard to find a happy-medium of appreciation without being frantic.
Try not to overdo it but I’d say enjoy the energy and use it to plan and get things done that otherwise would have languished on your ‘to do’ list for the next decade.
Having cancer is such a wake-up call, it’s very difficult to get back on the road we started without an altered perspective.
xxxxx Jane
Hiya
Hope you don’t feel pressured into doing too much and get to do all the things you enjoy. I think for me in the past I put things off. I thought there would always be time, now I don’t. I am just doing it. I hope things will settle down and I will have more confidence in the future. But am no longer worried about my pension.
Thanks everyone, glad I’m not alone, you’ve absolutely hit the nail on the head. I’m determined not to let cancer define me, but I too have been looking at houses, ordering new bathrooms, getting builders round, organising nights out , planning holidays, doing charity talks, organising my facebook campaign, having the kids friends round, signing up for and training for a 10k run when I’ve never run in my life, looking at night classes etc etc etc. It’s a hard balance between allowing enough room and space to recover with embracing the positive energy and perspective on life. Think my husbands just glad thd broadband is down or god knows what else I’d have bought/organised. Tina, I hope next year I will have the happy medium jane managed to get. And saffron, yes you do sound slightly manic too but no more do thsn me. X
I feel similar 14mths after end of active treatment.
I spoil my kids terribly as i am uncertain i will see them at their wedding day or become a grandma. I am flitting from from one project to the next without really being satisfied. The last month i feel some signs of settling but the pressure to be normal and feel normal is enormous. I honestly believe people think i should be over it because i am cured…sucha frustrating but understandable attitude.
Time is the key i guess but i doubt ill ever get over the shock of cancer at 32.
Deb, you posted whilst I was typing! You’re right, I do do things I would previously have put off. I think it’s slowly dawning on me that I need to achieve a balance as I am knackering myself out. There’s no pressure from anyone, in fact my mum andhusband are encouraging me to take it a bit easier, tho only my mum has followed that through with practical help…,! But I am shattered tonight. I did the lgfb talk today and it emotionally drained me when I didn’t expect it to. Looking forward to our r and r at penny Brohn. X
Another one here in a similar situation. Trying to do too much to too high a standard to prove to myself that I’m “over” the BC and back to normality. Juggling return to work, dealing with builders finishing off a major refurbishment project on our home, and trying to support a husband who has just discovered he needs eye surgery. Just when we thought life was settling down into a nice quiet comfy rut again!
Saw my GP this evening over the lack of sleep and she told me I’ve got to plan what I try to do and not try to achieve perfection in everything. She reckons it’s not the hormone therapy that’s causing me to wake up several times each night, it’s that I’m spinning too many plates at once and getting stressed when I fail. She’s probably right (again - I could hate her - Grrr!)
Sarah x
Evie, I think if we could understand why it’s happened to us so unexpectedly and when we are so young that it might be easier to rationalise? I hope you manage to achieve an equilibrium soon, but I’m already sick of people thinking I’m hunky dorey cured and over it and I’m only a few months in, so you must be ready to scream at them
and you’re spot on with the flitting thing, I’m sllideas and franticthinking but then the follow through is lacking. I just joined the school PTA last week and found myself virtually agreeing to be chair next yeR when current chair leaves. Luckily I caught myself in time as it would be too much for me!
Tors i irritate myself because i feel i should be doing something!! Why, i never really did before!!!
Life is more complicated thats for sure but i feel so much better and ive lost the chemo 2 st i put on- misery snacking has a lot to answer for! It is getting easier but small things still remind me of what happened and what maybe. Give me another year and hopefully i will settle…maybe.
Sarah, although it’s handy to have a gp who is insightful and usually right, I agree it is irritating and it sounds like she is right again!
Evie, have you thought about signing up for a long run in may on the spur of the moment? Nothing like a ridiculous seemingly unattainable deadline to put pressure on yourself…
We moved house a year ago and since then ive been desperately trying to get everything done, new windows, boiler, driveway, etc. Everyone says theres loads of time to do it all, but I always feel i dont have much time left and want it all done asap (even though im 3years ned). I also buy my boys (age 7 & 4) clothes for a year in advance in case im not here by then. Im always thinking for in case im not here. Maybe it will always be like this…?
Thanks lolly, glad it’s not just me. I suppose on balance I’d prefer to be like this than in the depths of despair. Hadn’t thought of the clothes a year in advance. I feel like an anorexic getting weight loss tips off dodgy Internet sites! I have noticed me encouraging my boys relationship with my sister znd her husband and making sure she knows all the info needed in case my husband and I are wiped out unexpectedly. I hope I manage to obtain more security in a future but somehow doubt it. Another silent effect of bc. X
Yesterday I told my little boy that I love him even when I’m not with him. That he should always know even when he can’t see me I am still loving him. Seemed important to say, even if he won’t remember. The things we do eh?
Yep, do that regularly. They look at me like I’m odd then just run off leaving me with tears in my eyes. It’s no fun. Thank god for vomiting cats to take our minds off the small stuff. Whoever said don’t sweat the small stuff was clearly not trying to ignore a bc dx.
Hi, I think I could end up doing this sort of thing. I’m older and have grown up children. Just had an enforced break between FEC3 and Tax 1 (tomorrow) so have had a couple of good weeks. I’m thinking I must sort aout paperwork so it’s not a mess to leave for others to sort out, finish this, finish that. I suspect that after a few months of the sort of thing, you’d settle down a bit and become more relaxed. Tors I agree it seems better than the other extreme, but a happy medium would be best.
I keep asking my boys if they know where the wills and important documents are?
Mind I think it is healthy to accept the risks, know how practicalities are to be dealt with, then you can hopefully relax about it and enjoy the present. Much better than everyone burying their heads in the sand, then panic sets in if the worst happens.
So sort the important things and then enjoy each day - hope I can take my own advice!
I’m usually half asleep and preparing for bed at this time, but I’m well steroided, tired but buzzing!
Hope you can all relax a bit.