Just waiting for my wife’s second mastectomy and unable to access any counselling without a long wait. There must be other men facing the same issues. i feel such a heel having “issues” when my wife has cancer & is facing removal of the last b=vestige of her femininity. i see that there are decent reconstructions now (they were opretty awful 30 years ago).
Anyone else been there? I need a mate to talk to.
JimboJr
Hello JimboJr
Welcome to the forums, I’m sure other users will be along to support you soon.
In the meantime maybe you would like to talk things through with a member of our helpline staff who are there to offer emotional support as well as practical information. The free phone number is 0808 800 600 and the lines are open Monday to Friday 9.00 to 5.00 and Saturday 9.00 to 2.00.
Best wishes
June, moderator
Hi Jimbo
I’m just popping in here to say hello and to thank you for supporting your wife (yes, I know, you would do of course, but thank you anyway) and I’m sure there will be some partners coming along soon to welcome you.
Sadly there are lots of people with this horrible disease, and fortunately there are a good few partners who come on this site to ask questions to help them support their partners.
Feel free to use the helpline, they’re really good and very knowledgeable.
Hi, sorry i am not a bloke, but i have an idea. My local hospice provides support and counselling to ANYONE whos life has been effected by cancer, no matter if they are poorly or not so poorly, if they are the patient, OH, Mother , child etc.!! May be worth asking your local hospice to help. Pls do not be but off by the word hospice. They were fab even after my primary diagnosis. My OH has had counselling nd we have had some joint sessions.
Hope this helps.
Sadie Xx Xx
Just posting so you get bumped up.
Hope all goes well with your wife’s operation. You are definitely not a heel but very honest in admitting you need help to get your head round what’s happening. This is a sh*t disease but your wife is lucky to have you there for her. I hope you get the support you need.
Hi Jimbo
If you need a blokes ear to bend then by all means feel free to bend mine. My wife has had a lumpectomy, and not downsizing the issues we have/are facing right now with the other ops and chemo etc, I can only imagine the anguish you must be going through - both of you.
I have found lots of excellent invaluable support from the ladies on this forum and i don’t know where I’d be without their help and advice. However, I have little contact from other blokes in the same boat and there are times that I feel so alone in this sea of nasitiness, but the girls on here always see me right:-) I was hoping to meet other fellas during treatment but the ladies seem to mainly be doing it on their own and what little contact I have had with husbands/partners of our lovely ladies, have only nodded at me with that knowing/empathic look " I know what you are going through" nod, but haven’t seemed like the guys that show their feelings, although they look like they want to say " fancy a pint and chat?"
PM me if you want and I’ll try and come back to you ASAP.
Chin up mate and keep plodding,
Richard
Jumbo welcome, again not bloke, but just wanted to say how good it is for you to ask for help in supporting your wife. I couldn’t of coped with out my lovely hubby he’s my hero. Does everything for me. Don’t know what your bc unit is like, but he got a lot of support from them. And you can always talk to us ladies as well. Good luck to both of you.
BD xx
Hi JimboJr
I’m not a bloke either but I have been supporting my Mum who has recently been diagnosed with bc and I do know how very hard it is when you care for someone so much - I think your wife is fortunate to have you by her side. I’m glad you posted here because this is a wonderful forum and everyone is welcomed with open arms. Richard is quite right when he says the people here do give fantastic support.
Wishing you and your wife all the very best.
Esbee
Hi JimboJr
In addition our helpliners can point you to the ‘One to one’ support available through BCC, you can read more here:
breastcancercare.org.uk/about-us/our-services/someone-to-talk-to/one-to-one-support/
Take care
Lucy
Hi Jimbo, sorry I’m not a bloke either but as well as having bc I also know what its like to be the one worrying about something with bc as I supported my mum through this sh*tty disease thirty years ago too.
I think its harder in many ways being the one doing the worrying than dealing with it yourself. The self-image stuff is hard for women with bc. Apart from being terrified and playing what-ifs, the other main thing going through my head has been that bc leaves me feeling so unfeminine, but I still think it is easier for me than my boyfriend. I know how I feel. But for you and other husbands and partners supporting sufferers it must be so hard to work it out. I am so up and down and I know I’m a nightmare for my boyfriend to second guess my mood. Sometimes he asks me how I am when I’m trying to forget about it and other times I snap his head off for not asking how something went.
If we can do anything to support or help then just say.
Wishing you both all the best, Mary Grace
double post
Hi Jimbo (& Richard) Sorry I didn’t see this earlier. I am also a hubby! My wife was Diagnosed (TNBC) in June last year - chemo, then surgery, followed by rads. She finished her treatment a couple of months ago, and is now starting to recover from the treatment.
Don’t feel like you are a heel - we are in a challenging situation. From one day saying how much we like our partners as they are,having to reconcile that with the next day saying we will still love their body afterwards! Wanting to know answers, but being concerned about asking questions because we don’t want to scare partners any more than they already are.
Being scared of losing our wives, but not wanting to show that fear.
Going from wishing it was us instead of them, to being grateful it isn’t us going through it when we see the way the treatment affects them, and feeling guity about it!
Wanting to help, but not wanting to muscle in when they are up to doing things, and never quite being sure whether or not they are up to doing the laundry/hoovering/whatever it is the are insisting needs to be done!
One upside I am taking from it is that I think I am now closer to our boys, as during her bad days I was getting them up, breakfasting them, getting them to/from school, doing their tea, doing the washing. Bedtime was my job beforehand anyway<g></g>
Feel free to ask away,
Paul.
Jimbo, Richard and Paul, I’m not a bloke either but I think it’s fab that you are so thoughtful. Good on you! X
I also think it’s brilliant the way you are dealing with all your situations. My own hubby is also brilliant, but I know it’s so hard for him trying to be positive for me but worrying all the time. Being supportive even when I’m snappy. I do worry about him dreadfully, we have always been close, but this has bought us even closer if that is possible. The expression we ladies get of being brave and hero’s always makes me’ a little cross, cos we have no choice, you do and choose to do the things you do, for that my hubby will always be my hero!
Keep doing what you all are doing, and good luck.
BD xx
Not a bloke either but think it’s great you guys are talking to each other and bumping for you…
and - Just wish my hubby would chat to someone too; he’s great with me, really supportive but has bottled his feelings up that much that when he went out on a works party and had one (well a few) too many he ended up pouring his heart out to his colleagues and in tears - they had to phone me to pick him up he was so upset.
So go on guys chat away and beat us ladies to it!
Dee - He’s welcome here!
Thank you - I’ll have a ‘chat’ with him over dinner (& wine lol).
hi jimbo jr and all hubbys, never think you are being a heel by needing extra support i was in you position 11 yrs ago when my hubby had brain tumour sadly he passed away just over 8 yrs ago and i remained single and wrapped myself up in my kids my hubby was just 38 and now i have bc at 45 i miss him more that ever now but know how hard it is to be the carer and the"strong" one am glad you can all support each other and that will help u loads take care love rachel x
Hi, I am not a bloke either. But I have been dealing with BC for 22 years now and without my husband’s love and support I would not be here now. I have bone mets now and he has been looking after me again. He is a wonderful man. He just seems to do things to make my life more comfortable. He will cook, clean, do shopping, anything in fact. It hasn’t been easy. He is not realy a demonstrative man but he show he cares in all sorts of ways, like running a bath for me when he knows I am sore or planning a wee break when times are better. We have been married for almost 40 years now ( I was 39 when first diagnosed with BC). All you need to do is “be there” for her and the children. One day at a time. You will both get there. Ask any questions you like. The answers don’t need to be from a bloke. Do you have any Maggie Centres near you? They are very helpful to families of people dealing with cancer. Hugs Val.
Nice to hear from some other fellas for a change and again to hear the amazing support from you ladies. I have found that over the weeks things have got much better overall, but mainly because my wife is coping so well, albeit the nasty side effects from the FEC. She prefers to not wear scarves or head wear and just stares back at curious adults/kids. So that worry I had about how’d she’d cope with no hair was unfounded and this helps reduce the stress. She is stunning wihout hair too 
Every now and again I have a moment when I think about the what if’s etc, especially around the subject of having children, but she only has one more chemo to do and then Rads and we can relax a bit. With the last year being busy changing jobs, moving house and cities and getting married, we haven’t had a holiday for over 2 years and we are both totally spent. She has much more of an excuse than me for being knackered, but it is the mental exhaustion I am finding hard to deal with. I get a telling off for forgetting things and doing things wrong (every wife’s perrogative!), but I can’t tell her that it is more often due to mental tiredness by trying to cope on top of just being a bloke. I don’t want her to know that I occasionally struggle to see the light at the end of the tunnel, as I want to carry on being strong for her, especially as I see her coping so well and just getting on with it.
After over compensating at the beginning and trying to do everything for her I have found happy middle ground and let her just get on with things and she has become less proud and asks for help when she needs it. I think that this is the extreme way of building a foundation for our marriage but thanks to this predicament I reckon it will be more sturdy than many other regular couples.
Jimbo, if you are lurking around out there, let us know how you are doing, as you sounded like you were struggling a bit and I’ve heard nothing from you. It would be good to know you have risen out of the seriously dark place and you are now steering a straighter course.
To everyone especially Val and Rachel, you are just fantastic people and it makes me smile that you put my faith back in humanity.
Richard