Can’t sleep at all - anyone else awake with worry and stress? I don’t think I can continue with treatment.
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@sbee I am awake (just because I wake early)
I hope you are okay. If you are feeling worried can you try some distraction techniques. I find getting up and having a cup of tea and turning on the tv to some mindless dribble helps if I wake in the night and my mind wanders to some unhelpful places.
It’s so tough when it’s a bank holiday as your team I imagine aren’t around for advice and support. On Tuesday perhaps contact your Oncologist/surgeon/breast care nurse to talk about your worries about treatment.
Also do make use of the wonderful BC nurses at Breast Cancer now who may also be able to offer you some reassurance
I hope your mind gives you some rest and you managed to get back to sleep. The worry of breast cancer is so real but the treatments are so great now. Take care xx
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Thank you @galdiolus - I just genuinely feel like I can’t drag myself through this anymore. X
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@sbee I’m not sure what treatment you are having currently, if it is chemo are you on the monthly chemo starters group? Often there you can find people at a similar stage to treatment as you and that forum can be a great place for reassurance.
Similarly for surgery the forum has some really great discussions.
If you want to call the breast care nurses on the helpline and talk it through with them the number is ( 0808 800 6000 9am to 4pm Monday to Friday and 9am to 1pm Saturday)
Do keep using the forum to share and unload we are all here to listen
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I’m having chemotherapy - completed 5th cycle last week but feel like I am unable to continue and that my entire life is over. My mental health is on the floor.
I’m 38, Ibc.
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@sbee I understand. I had 6 x 3 weekly cycles which I finished in January and I found the side effects were cumulative so the further in I went the harder it felt. Soon enough you will have the end in sight and you can ring the bell and start healing. I don’t mean to sound like a cliche but I found gratitude journaling and also just journaling in general really helped me to unpack some of my feelings. Do you have any local breast cancer groups to you. I had a walking group and a group that met for coffee and they were such a great sense of support.
I remember thinking how tough it is and I also was lucky enough to be able to get out and walk everyday which also helped my mental health. I reached out to people and most days I had someone to walk with me which was also really beneficial and enabled me to talk about something other than cancer. It did feel like at times it was my only conversation and at times I wanted to say can we just talk about something other than cancer.
I think most people go through this during chemo, it is so tough so know what you are feeling is normal. Xx
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Thank you. I’m pretty isolated as most of my network have young family and are preoccupied with that. I’m still trying to work full time, get through treatment and have had to come to family recently because I just simply wasn’t able to take care of myself. (i live alone which at times post treatment has been scary).
I’ve genuinely been thinking about saying enough & stop. I’ve been holistic my entire life and just want to be living my normal life. I’m scared to get out some days as I look so terrible and barely recognise myself. I have very vivid dreams of the past popping up & they filter throughout my brain during the night.
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Hi @sbee ,
Really sorry that you’re going through this and are feeling so low. I’m 36 and was diagnosed in November. I’ve completed my chemotherapy now - it was a slog but you can get through it! Just have to take each day at a time.
Have your cancer team got a psychology team? I’ve found it really helpful to speak with them as I was also full of worry (I still am but definitely less than before). And worry is totally normal in our situations but they might help you be able to manage it a bit better. Or there are local Maggie’s centres or other charities that you can contact.
I obviously don’t know your circumstances, and everyone is different as to what helps but I haven’t worked since diagnosis, I’m just focussing on myself - do you think having some time off work to try to allow you to recover from the side effects a bit better might help?
As @galdiolus said, keep using the forum, you’re not alone 🫶🏻
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Thank you so much. How has work been for you?
My challenge is that my contract is temporary and I know I’m unlikely to get hired at the end of this so am trying to hold on as long as I can. I have a mortgage solo & don’t have anyone to support me financially which is also a huge worry. (i was made redundant last year & haven’t really been able to recover from that.)
On a surface level the company are supportive, but the reality is that I’m still expected to deliver and do the job - I’ve tried to negotiate using my holiday days for recovery. I’m just so sad and heartbroken by it all.
I’ve made 5 treatments (x4 ec & 1docetaxol) - the plan is 8, but genuinely feel enough is enough now and that I’m not willing to put my body through it. There’s no part of me that wants to continue with the Ct, the removal of my breast at 38 & the radiotherapy etc. I have days where I consider ending it all if I’m honest.
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@sbee I’m so sorry you are in this position and feeling so low. As above, have you tried McMillan or Maggie’s for some emotional support? A few days off and going to one of the centres on Tuesday perhaps? I know the fears around finances, but have you spoken to anyone for financial advice - I found it might not be quite as grim as I thought financially, but I appreciate on your own it will be a greater worry (I’m a single mum but have a back up in my daughter’s dad so not in the same situation). Do you have any insurance to help with the mortgage or checked if you can get payment breaks, and take some time out work that way? Please seek someone to talk to straight away (Samaritans while you wait for a cancer support person to be available?) and keep chatting on here. Xxx
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Thank you. I’ve found macmillian the most helpful by far & have stopped in there a few times.
I just can’t see any reason to keep going - I’ve had some really rough times over the years & this just feels like the icing on the cake and I’m not even 40 yet.
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That must be really tough, I don’t think you should have to use holiday days to recover from chemotherapy but I don’t know what private companies policies are. I work in the nhs so I’m lucky to have decent sick pay and thankfully my manager has been very good. I’m not sure what help is available if any but MacMillan offer financial advice so it might be worthwhile having a phone call with them to talk it over? Also as above, do you have illness cover on your life insurance you could claim to help in this period?
I had the same chemotherapy regime as you. I found EC horrendous and after my 2nd cycle was ready to give up but I kept going, and docetaxel wasn’t so bad for me the last few cycles - hopefully you’ll find the next 3 to be slightly better than the EC was 
I’ve also just had a mastectomy last week and I totally understand your worry about that at your age… I’m not sure I’ve fully processed that either but my psychologist is helping. As you said, you’re only 38 and this is beyond awful, but maybe think of it as you’re only 38 and therefore you have sooo much more to come once you get through all of this.
Are there any side effects that maybe your team could manage better if they know - eg change in anti sickness or anything?
Please do call Samaritans or one of the other charities if you’re feeling really low. Or NHS 111.
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Hello. Sorry you are feeling so low - it’s such an awful time. My diagnosis last year left me feeling the same, I honestly started thinking about songs for my funeral and imagining how my kids would get through it!
One year on almost, and I am a totally different person - you’ve just got to keeping slogging away and getting through it however you can and you will get there - the treatment will finish and it will be done with.
Not getting sleep and waking up in the middle of the night is a torture all by itself.
If I was you, along with the advice above, I would contact my GP and try and get some medication.
I was given diazepam for the times I was truly panicked and literally couldn’t move with fear, and mirtazapine for general anxiety and sleep. I still take the mirtazapine now and it genuinely transformed how I was feeling.
I hope you can continue with the smallest steps to get through this xx
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Thank you for your reply. I don’t have any life insurance.
I didn’t react as I thought to the docetaxel and it was pretty bad, I feel like my choices are so limited and if I just say stop then atleast I can go back to feeling some what like me. (my looks have been destroyed, I will lose a breast, I will lose my fertility and periods which are such a part of me as a woman)
I don’t understand why I have this or what happened
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I’m so sorry you feel so horrible . The middle of the night is just the most lonely time and lack of sleep makes things even harder to cope with . You’ve done amazingly to work full time whilst having chemotherapy . You’ve had some great advice from others. If you haven’t already it would be a good idea to talk to your oncologist about how you are feeling after your last chemo , it could be that they can adjust the dose so that the next chemo is more manageable or look at other options . Maybe try not to look too far ahead , just deal with this part of your treatment first then allow yourself to think about what comes next .As other have said May also be worth joining the relevant chemo monthly thread to get some support from people at the same stage in their treatment it may help you feel less alone in this - if you started chemo in Jan join the Jan chemo monthly thread etc
Sending you love and strength to get through this Jill .
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Hi @sbee, I am sorry you’re feeling this way. It sounds like you’re going through a rough patch. I hope that putting your thoughts and feelings down in writing can start to help with this.
What we find helps too is talking things through with someone who understands. Have you tried speaking to our team of breast care nurses? You can reach us on freephone 0808 800 60 00. Since this is a bank holiday weekend, the helpline is shut and will reopen on Tuesday at 9am. Macmillan’s support line on 0808 808 00 00 is open today too until 8pm.
I guarantee that whoever you call, you’ll be met with kindness, empathy, and patience. Nobody will rush you during your call, and you can bring up anything that you need to mention.
Please consider speaking to the Samaritans on 116 123 if you’re feeling low and need support in a more urgent way. Things may feel dark, but there are people who care and who want to help.
Our forum will continue to be here for you if you need to unburden.
Sending our warmest wishes
Bernard
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Hi @sbee, I see from your other messages that a lot is going on for you and things may feel quite intense. You may feel alone but there are many people here who while not knowing you personally, are cheering for you and wishing you well.
The first step of picking up the phone may feel like the hardest. Once that’s done, things may get clearer and lighter. The Samaritans will listen to you and whatever you need to say any hour of night or day. You can speak to them whenever you need to on 116 123.
We’re thinking of you
Bernard
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I hate to read about someone in such distress and I can’t think of what to say to you to make you see things differently. I can, however, promise you that things do get better. I’ve been through the whole gamut and found chemo pretty intolerable but I practiced the one-step-infront-of-the-other technique and before I knew it I’d completed all the sessions and then moved on to radiotherapy. Three years on I lead a full and very active life and count my blessings for being given the chance.
The treatments you are having are your chance to move on to the life you deserve. Don’t throw them away. I also mourned the loss of my looks, likening myself to a silver-backed gorilla due to no hair and putting on weight with chemo. Hated it but I persevered and fought through and now its pretty dress and a new lipstick time again.
I have learnt to take pleasure in some of the smaller things of life like the fact that a lilac tree in my garden thats never bloomed has come out and I’ve just made lemon curd from the Sicilian lemons that are dead cheap in Lidl.
Please never think that you are alone because you are not. We have never met but I am rooting for you and holding you in my thoughts. You CAN do this.
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Dear sbee,
I’m so sorry to read your post, please call your breast cancer team, or the nurses on this site, they will be able to provide help for you. I don’t think you should be on your own at the moment. You can also call 111 if you are feeling scared they are available throughout the night also the samaritans will be able to chat and help you.
I do hope, you will feel better very soon, we are all here for you with love and support.
Please let us know how you’re getting on.
With the biggest hugs Tili 
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Thank you all - here at 4am again
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