Fab tip- thanks! Love the massive cookie btw - so nice of your family to surprise you
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Thanks guys, my nephews girlfriend made me a fabulous video of the day with snippets of photos and videos to the back ground song of lean on me which Iāve tried to share but unfortunately it wonāt let me , but we definitely had a mini social distance celebration of passing a mile stone and hopefully no more poison xx
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Just catching up on all the messages - itās so great to see so many of us coming to the end of chemo! My last one is next Tuesday. To be honest although I canāt wait to finish, I do have some mixed feelings about it. Iāve had a difficult few days following my appointment with the consultant last Monday. Iām having to come to terms with there not being any long term treatment or drug therapy for my cancer - and it terrifies me! At least when Iāve been having chemo I know itās actively treating the cancer and once thatās done, I only have surgery and radiotherapy and then I will be left with constant anxiety about recurrence. Anyway, Iām not generally one to just sit and wait for things to happen, so Iāve spent the last couple of days looking at how I can do everything to minimise the chance of recurrence- such as changing my diet and increasing exercise etc. Iāve also contacted a specialist local charity to meet with their medical team and they will review my cancer diagnosis and support me going ahead, helping me advocate for medical trials etc.
Sorry for the long message - it just always amazes me how different our journeys can be! Naively, when I started all this I had no idea just how many types of breast cancer there are and all the varying treatment options. Hope everyone is continuing to do well, I really love reading how you are all doing, Emma xx
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I understand completely how you are feeling I too was very anxious last week but couldnāt deny how pleased my family was for me finishing chemo and really helped yesterday be a really positive day, I havenāt shared with them my anxiety for the ultra sound on Monday and only told you guys and two others about me finding the new lump in my breast just wanted them to feel happy 
and fingers crossed for scar tissue or cysts 
I canāt imagine though the news of no drugs going forward for you but sounds like you are on the ball and researching loads and looking into everything that can help you keep the little bastard at bay, we are all rooting for you, stay strong 
š©·
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@ivy-cat Iād say that most of us were extremely naive about this too. Even when I read posts on here I find that thereās not a lot of similarity between me and others, in both the chemo regimen and my response to it. Iām impressed by your positive attitude and think that you are absolutely right to take control of those things that you can, itās great that thereās a local place offering that service and Iām pleased that youāre able to see what you can do to support yourself. At the moment Iām still wallowing in the long term consequences of my diagnosis, I know that as I feel physically better that will change, so hopefully that will come in time.
Im glad I didnāt ācelebrateā the end of my chemoā¦today I am as rough as Iāve ever been, moved from bed to sofa and now back in bed again 
Aches, pains, sickness and tummy trouble - itās like the 
saved the worst for last! Truely feeling sorry for myself, maybe my mood is matching this awful weather 
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Oh no @altoan - I suspect that my final dose of docetaxel will also be my worst, my final EC gave me 10 days of nausea so Iām fully expecting a terrible stomach and diarrhoea for days this time.
I so appreciate having this group to share my thoughts and fears. My family look completely terrified if I even mention the possibility of the cancer returning. I donāt want to make my children fearful and anxious about the future so come on here and offload onto all of you 
It was my daughterās 21st birthday last week and then my youngest sonās prom and I think I was emotionally overwhelmed about reaching such milestones and thinking about what milestones I would see in the future. I hope you feel better soon, so many of us have had a rough ride with this!
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Oh no, so sorry you feeling so poorly, but Iām pleased youāve reached your last one and can move forward when you are ready, I know there is a still a big journey ahead, but one thing to put behind you once you are feeling up to it, sending you all my love xx
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You look amazing and, without wanting to sound like a total perv, your boobs look incredible. Hoorah for your surgeon! 
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thank you 
Ooooo how did the shopping go? How you feeling ? X
I find the milestones thing too much to bear too. Iām already fearing my birthday. I donāt want it to be the elephant in the room of āHow many more do we have of these?ā I always hated birthdays anyway so Iād really like to just celebrate 42 forever, the last birthday when I didnāt have cancer!
The kids birthdays will be a challenge too. Fuck. I hate cancer so much.
I honestly donāt know what to say about your next steps. I too would find that very challenging. I tried to do some research to sprinkle some giant hope into my message but Iām out of my depth of PR+ cancer as Iāve never had to investigate it. I wish there was something I could magically trump your oncologist with!
A Mum at school had Stage 1 BC recently, just a lumpectomy, no chemo, no radio and I saw her yesterday. She was knocking back white wine like it was going out of fashion and also told me that Tamoxifen suppresses ovaries and mocked me in front of everyone for it when I said that Zoladex does that, when she is, quite frankly wrong since it blocks receptors on cells and doesnāt suppress ovaries at all. She made me irrationally angry. She is there, all cocky and blasĆ© about her cancer and doing none of the things like cutting down alcohol to prevent recurrence while weāre all here OBSESSED with maximising our odds. Itās so hard to beat.
Rather pathetically, she also annoyed me because I told all 16 x 9 year old girls to clear their plates back up to the restaurant (weād been at the far end of a pub garden) and the same Mum said āNo girls. The waiters are paid to do it!ā So I carried 16 plates up to the restaurant because I donāt like people treating waiters like slaves when the girls could do it. Total tangent there. Cancer really has sharply honed a sensor in me that separates the nice from the not so nice!
X
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It was a silly move on my part. I thought I may end up dead in Bristol Primark at one point (I may have actually wished it once or twice during my time there!). Maggie is happy though and has her stuff for hols. One kid down, one girlie to go! Hoorah for teenage boys who are happy to buy online and not have to walk anywhere!
Lying in the bath now unsure whether water has seeped into the limbo or Iām imagining it and am too tired to care. Steroids donāt seem to be preventing tiredness so much this time around but taste went today completely which I think is a few days faster than last time.
Would kind of like to just live in a hotel for 3 weeks and come back all recovered and able to help as Iām feeling like such a flake and a burden at home going back into the hole!
How are you feeling this evening? X
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Isnāt primark the worst place with a young girl 
you deserve a medal for that today , but one down one to go 
and yes boys are so much easier with shopping, I agree with the birthday milestones, mines gone now thankfully but Iāve got granddaughters party tomorrow (swimming party) Iām thinking moist , hot and lots of germs, just going to show my face, go home then go back at the end once they are in the party room, then her birthday 12th , sons on 15th and youngest daughter on 26th, all summer babies, eldest daughter is august,
I agree about the taste mine has gone completely today but felt like it never really fully came back after 2nd docetaxel, and Iāve got what I can only fictive as a churning stomach which Iāve not had before , not sure which way itās going to go yet, constipation or runs 
good thing is I feel like I will sleep tonight, absolutely shattered xxx
Ps live in a hotel for 3 weeks sounds like an amazing idea xx
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Thank you so much Sarah - I think only people who have had cancer can truly understand the fear of recurrence. It keeps me awake at night at the moment, probably because Iām finishing chemo soon and know that there wonāt be anything āactivelyā dealing with my cancer.
Although, that said, there are clearly some people whoāve had cancer who donāt get it! It drives me mad too when people are so dismissive. Unfortunately my mother falls into that category. She had BC a couple of years ago. It was caught very early on a mammogram and the treatment was a lumpectomy, radiotherapy and tamoxifen. She says she doesnāt even feel as though sheās had cancer and even implies that maybe Iām being over dramatic about mine. It means that Iāve had to reduce contact with my parents since my diagnosis because I find her lack of understanding so upsetting. Honestly, this whole thing is just shit. On the one hand I canāt talk too much about how I really feel because I donāt want to upset my children and then on the other I canāt talk to my parents because they just donāt get it!
Glad your shopping went well - I agree about teenage boys but be warned, girls love to shop in Primark even in their late teens! Emma x
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@ivy-cat Some people donāt unfortunately. My mum has a neighbour who had breast cancer last year and just after I got diagnosed we bumped into the neighbour when on a walk. My mum looks after the neighbours granddaughter sometimes so they talk and mum had been upset after my diagnosis and told her about it kind of thinking sheād be able to have a bit of a chat and see how her experience had been etc. Sheād had stage one BC, not sure what type but she had surgery, a weeks radiotherapy and no further treatment as far as Iām aware but either way our diagnosis and treatment plans are quite different and my mum thought she was learning stuff as she didnāt realise at the time how different they could be/how many different types of BC there are.
When we bumped into the neighbour, Iād never met her before and she just started going on about how the lumpectomy is nothing, the biopsy was worse, and about her diagnosis and how she wasnāt phased at all about having breast cancer and didnāt cry once and even to this day hasnāt cried once. She was so blasĆ© and kept going on and onā¦. I get that her experience was a good one in terms of her surgery going well and her feelings are different but she kept going on about how she was fine and didnāt cry (Iāve no idea why she brought it up or emphasised it so much). All I could think was well arenāt you insensitive and she was lucky I wasnāt having an emotional day that day! Iād just had my first chemo, had stopped working and was still waiting on genetic test results etc so all sorts was going through my head and it was really not helpful 
All I know is Iāll never be that insensitive to someone else with cancer!!
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Just catching up on all the messages @elle16 congratulations on your last Chemo your cake looks great. You do look really fab. My children ( all adults) were like yours when I finished, flowers balloons and a cake. I think it just meant so much to them as I didnāt realise how worried they were. I know this is only part of our journey but for some reason I think chemo scared them more than anything.
@altoan i hope youāre feeling better, I know youāre not celebrating but well done to get through chemo as you havenāt had it easy. if anything I can tell you is nothing will ever be as bad as chemo. Radiotherapy has me feeling fatigued and slightly sunburnt but Iād take this and surgery everyday over chemo.
To all the others worrying about the future Iām exactly the same. I think when we feel so poorly our minds tend to wonder. My daughter gets married next year and all I was worried about when I got diagnosed was will I see her get married now in a good day itās will my hair have grown. Itās just an emotional rollercoaster of ups and downs and I think we all need time to mentally heal.
I live in a small village and have mainly avoided shops as I get the stories of how so and so had breast cancer and they were great going through treatment or how lucky I am someone always knows someone who died of it. Some people have no filter.
I think we all need to be kinder to ourselves this has been one hell of a year for us and I truly mean it when I say I couldnāt have done it without everyone here. Thereās a bond weāll always share that no one else will ever understand.
Pauline xxx
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Thank you Pauline, my children big and small associated chemo with making me sick as Iāve been a shell of myself since I started and I donāt look like mom anymore, they were so happy it was my last one,
Just a quick update on my ultra sound today too, there were 2 lumps which they confirmed were both cysts, they injected them today and I literally watched them disappear on the ultra sound, never been so pleased to have an injection in my boob, been an emotional day.
Iām going to rest now and wish the next couple of weeks away and hope everyoneās current treatment is kind to them, sending love and strength to you all xxx
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Aw thatās such good news about your lumps - really happy for you that itās all sortedāŗļø
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