I’m so sorry to burden you all with this especially when I haven’t got much to moan about in the grand scheme of things but I woke up this morning feeling very depressed and can’t get out of it.
I haven’t felt like this throughout my treatment and now I’ve finished (1 month ago) I feel I should be looking forward to a long and happy life.
I am extremely weepy which isn’t like me, in fact I haven’t felt the need to cry at all up until now.
I can’t speak to my family as they have been great all along and have supported me immensly and I’ve put on them for too long already. I have everyrthing to look forward to, one thing being a grandma in December and also some very nice holidays coming up. I am also able to go back to work in Sept. So why can’t I be happy!!
I am a professional woman and pride myself for always being in control of any situation - how wrong I was!
Greanpea,
Please don’t worry about having a down day. I think we all get those. Some days I feel so glad to be alive, and everything is wonderful, then I will suddenly have a bad day when I think maybe it would have been better if I’d died, as the hot flushes or lack of sleep, or uncertainty is just too much to bear. Then the following day I get up and all is well again.
Have you read the article by Dr Peter Harvey? If not, it is well worth a read as it explains the psychology so well:
xx
Hi Greanpea
How I remember the tears. Some days were really bad, and for no apparent reason. Feel free to speak to us as at some time or other we’ve all been the same. My worst time was just after starting Femara and all anyone needed to do was smile at me and I blubbed.
Hope tomorrow is a better day
Marilyn x
Greenpea ,
Don’t be too hard on yourself its probably some kind of after effect and you are allowed to be weepy if you want.
I too am very emotional at the moment but I can be emotional at the best of times!
Hopefully its just a little dip and you will feel better soon,if there is anything in particular worrying you either post here or call the helpline.
Its hard when familes think your treatment is all over ,they assume we are “back to normal” whatever that is! But actually we still have a lot going on in our heads.
I have had a mastectomy and recon but don’t need chemo or rads so I am feeling a bit lost already.
Take care
Hi Greenpea
sorry to hear you are having a bad day but dont forget we all have them, I know what you mean when you say about being in control, i was dx 3 yrs ago went through mastectomy and reconstruction all ok but now im futher down the road i feel more scared and down than when i first got dx, Dr put it down to post tramatic stress… You should talk to your family they are always there for you .Sometimes it is good to have a cry and let it all out, I think its because we have so much going on at first they we are to busy dealing with this to have time to really really think about this Just remember your only human and you have to be kind to yourself you need to heal xx
Hello Greenpea I am having a bad day too. Rads finished only 5 days ago and I am (stupidly) impatient to “feel better”. I went out with some lovely friends on Friday night and came home after an hour as they were all looking lovely and I just felt like an old lump having to wear a swimming top (bra too uncomfy) with grey fuzz poking out of my headscarf. I spose I thought that once it was over then it was over…not so. I am sorry you are feeling so low, but it does comfort me that I am not alone. The Peter Harvey article is indeed good.
Let’s hope tomorrow is better for both of us
Louise x
It’s also really scary when you finish treatment and suddenly find yourself a bit adrift.
I had exactly the same response when I finished treatment for my first breast cancer (and that was 16 years ago) - I couldn’t think why I wasn’t over the moon about having finished with hospitals and I could get back to my career. It took me a long time to work through it, and there were days when I was too depressed and just felt a complete, down to the bone sadness, and I could barely get up. And I also felt that everyone had been so supportive that they needed a break from looking after me, and that they wouldn’t understand. I think some of it is the knowledge that you really are not going to go back to the happy certainties of pre-bc, this is your new normal.
Tell people (that you trust not to brush it aside) that you still have these feelings, explain that for you it isn’t all over, and ask them to bear with you while you adjust. It does get better, honestly, but it can take longer than you think - I still had days when it washed back over me years later.
Take care of yourself, give yourself the space to be sad about what’s gone, and I hope tomorrow is a bit sunnier.
Lyn
Hi Greenpea,
I have to echo Lyndu in that the shock of the end of treatment can be every bit as bad as starting it.
Give yourself time and the sadness will pass. Its scary to suddenly lose all your support even if it is just chatting with nurses and doctors. Do you have a bc nurse you could talk to or a support goup near by that you could join just to help you over the next few months until you feel a bit more like the new you?
You can pop in here too if you need to chat.
Love Kate xx
Greenpea, it is natural to feel like this.
I am very emotionally strong and all the way through my treatment even the consultants commented on it. I managed to get a look at my file and it said in their notes that I was a very emotionally strong person who had low stress levels. When the surgeon wrote to my GP about the diagnosis he recorded that I was in a state of mild shock after he told me (I had already been told by him 4 weeks previously I did not have cancer). I just thought I would get on with my life after all the treatment was done with.
Well, I was totally wrong. At the beginning of the year everything started to unravel after I took on a new job; certain things should have been put in place by the employer before I started and they weren’t and this totally undermined my confidence. I was also struggling with the menopause as well. My onc referred me to a menopause clinic and they also referred me for counselling (which my GP was against - according to him I just needed to get on with things!). I have had 4 sessions and believe me it has been just what I needed. I have stopped being so irrational, my confidence is coming back and I’m now working in my OHs business, retraining and studying. I’m also hoping to take on voluntary work soon as well.
I just needed a push in the right direction after losing my confidence and I would recommend counselling to anyone. I also do meditation through a voluntary study I was asked to participate in by my breast clinic. They gave us the meditations on cds and I do them at home when I am stressed. I am in a meditation group once a month at my local Maggies Centre.
Well, once again you ladies have come up trumps!
I cna’t say I’m feeling any brighter yet but I do know I’m not alone in feeling like this. Deep down I know all that you have said and would be giving the same advice myself but, I don’t know, It seems so irrational.
RoadRunner,
The Peter Harvey article is very good and I do relate to it. i just have to keep reading it to remind myself I supose.
Lyndu
You speak wise words and it all rings true. Thankyou.
Cherub
Wow, you have been through it haven’t you? I too think the menopause has a lot to do with it as I’m not able to sleep for long and the hot flushes are horrendous but Tamoxifen is suppose to give me 16% more chance of survival so no choice really.
I actually work for a palliative care team so know what I should be doing and feeling but it’s bloody hard!! Also, I think there may be a bit of apprehension about going back to work to look after people that I may end up like. It would be so difficult having your colleagues looking after you when your at your most vulnerable.
Like you all have said, I have to be kind to myself and “let today happen” Well not much longer now till tomorrow and a new fresh start.
Thankyou all once again
xxxx
Hey greenpea
my OH and I were talking about this last week. I’m still going through treatment and up and down but am not expecting the emotional impact to stop when the treatment does, gonna have to work through that.
It is a kind of post traumatic stress that we have to deal with and we have all lost a certainty that we used to have. I’m starting to realise that actually no one knows how much life they have ahead of them but can live with that uncertaintly because it’s not as directly threatened as those of us who have had our lives reduced to numbers and prognosis’s
I like you approach of letting today happen. It worked for me on Friday when I was so angry I felt like I would blow up and take the whole village with me, and this was just because a parcel hadn’t arrived.
It’s strange what gets to you and how we don’t notice what the real cause is isn’t it. In this case it was because it was yet another thing stopping me take control of my life and I so desperately want to now. Treatment weary… hell yes.
Hope tomorrow is a much better day for you, and I hope they keep getting better too.
Angie xXx
Thanks Angie
This site is my sanctuary today. I haven’t done anything else. What a slob.!
I’m going to crack open a bottle of wine in a minute and say to hell with the dinner tonight. They’ll all have to fend for themselves for a change.
Where did that anger come from??
I’ll have a drink to all of us, past and present.
xx
I’ll join you. But I’ll stop at just the 1 bottle 
BTW:
I’ve found watching dark movies quite cathartic… lord of the rings really appeals at the moment.
If they can overcome the dark force of mordor and all that
Spoilsport!
See, I feel better already!
xx
Hi greenpea I to have had the fear come back with a vengeance , I finished my Rads on 24th July . Feel bereft and almost as bad as I was when first diagnosed. Ithink what we would all like is to be told …that’s it treatment finished …your better now …BUT … we will all have to live with ’ the shadow of the shadow ’ and its all very scary . I have high anxiety and panic attacks and I am frightened of cracking up but we just have to go on.
Love Bobbie
Greenpea,
I’ll have a glass of wine with you!
Cheers!
Dot
xx
Hi Bobbie
Sorry you feel like that. It’s awful isn’t it?
I actually didn’t think I felt any anxiety or panic but perhaps I’m just in denial.
I’m very matter of fact about the whole thing which is why this day has been such a shock. Of course I get the odd second and think what if ,especially if I read too many threads on here from people more unfortunate than me. I just feel so much for them, and it’s not pity but empathy. It may be that very thing that’s freaking me out - knowing I have to go back to treating palliative care patients and that could be me and I don’t know it yet.
No one knows what’s ahead of us, and a good thing too.
I’m sorry I’m so maudlin today. This black mood has to finish sometime.
Dot,
I like your attitude! Cheers my dears!
xx
i am still doing rads… i have no idea what i will feel when it is over. I do know that while everythign we have all done is difficult, the most difficult thing will be being alone… i mean without people telling us how we look after after ourselves, without seeing a doc…
at the same time i rejoice at the thought that i will be normal again sometime.
It takes time to get back to normal… they say chemo effects hang on for same time as chemo… so maybe the time we have had doing ALL treatments is the time that it takes for us to feel us again?
I don’t know
i wish us all the best
jen xx