i am really quite new on here - i was only diagnosed last week. i am 27 and they have put me on taxamofin now and then it is lumpectomy soon (i have requested that it is delayed for 5 weeks due to work) followed by rads.
question is how noticable is it all going to be. i live with an older friend of mine who is more like my dad to me. i have decided not to tell him what is going on. can i keep it from him successfully?
i know from an emotional side of things it is going to be tough but i am interested in whether i can keep the physical side of things a secret and am hoping that some of you who have been through it will be able to help me.
If you want me to be brutaly honest, I think apart from the obvious emotional side of things, the physical side of the treatment will be nigh on impossible to hide. I had a lumpectomy and had the nurse coming in every other day to change my dressings (I did have complications with an infection) but nevertheless, I can’t see how you can hide something like surgery to someone you live with, unless you literally share a kitchen and bathroom, but keep out of each others way most of the time, but even then I still think it would be hard! Also you will be having radiotherapy for three to six weeks every day, so again not something thats very easy to hide either.
Hiya, sorry to hear about your diagnosis. I think you are pretty much a dead cert to be told you need chemotherapy because of your age. I was 36 when diagnosed last year and was told chemo was pretty much a given due to my young age, even though it was under 2cm and no evidence of node involvment. It would be virtually impossible to hide the side effects of chemo from someone you live with, and you are definitely going to need support, physically and emotionally. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news
I agree you will probably need support from someone. As for tors saying defo chemo, its not as cut and dry as that I was also 36 when dx last Sept, I ‘just’ had rads and tamoxifen, so the age thing doesn’t really come into it, it also sounds as if you’ve been told what treatment you are going to need, although this could change.
Good luck with your treatment, hope all goes ok, I’ll be thinking of you. X
mmm, probably comletely out of order here, but why do you want to hide it? men do get embarassed about ladies bits, and you might not want to worry him, but he might be horrified if somewhere down the line he found out you had hidden all this from him and not wanted to share.
obviously all relationships are different and I should be carefull about commenting, but is trying to hide something this big a good idea>
I think oldandlumpy has made a very good point there. If this friend is like a Dad to you, wouldn’t he be very upset that you hadn’t told him? He’s bound to find out sooner or later and might be hurt that you hadn’t said anything.
I thought about not telling a close friend about my BC because I didn’t want to burden her, but did tell her. She said she would have been quite upset if I hadn’t. And she was a great support to me throughout the treatment.
Hi there,
sorry about your dx, it’s a difficult time. I live alone, and hid my ?bc from my family and friends up to dx, and that was hard enough to do. I didn’t want to worry my parents,particularly as dad was ill and mum had a nasty recurrence of bc herself. Once I’d told them it all became so much easier. I could possibly have managed to hide the WLE, but I had one boob twice as big as the other and very sore. I don’t want to scare you but the other point is that you never know what you’re dealing with till the results come back. I ended up having mx and there’s no way I could have hidden that. It’s the same with treatment - you won’t know till everything has been checked. Fingers crossed you’ll just have to have the WLE and rads, but be prepared.
Emotionally, you need support and if you live with a person you consider to be a friend, think how he’ll feel if you hide it and he doesn’t understand what’s going on, or if you have to tell him and he realises you’ve hidden it all.
I felt a million times better once everyone knew although I realise it’s a personal thing as to whether you want everyone to know. But telling a person you share a house with is really unavoidable I think.
I was concerned you’d delayed your WLE ‘due to work’ too - WHAT?! There’s a reason why these ops are fast-tracked. If I were you I’d get it out now, there is nothing more important than sorting the bc out, this is your health and your life you’re dealing with here, it’s not just an inconvenience. Please think very carefully about that.
Also, please call the helpline for advice, they’re wonderful.
Lots of luck with everything and big hugs
xx
at the moment sharing a kitchen is about all we do. he is incredibly volitile at the moment so staying out of the way unless he has a gin in his hand is the best way to handle him.
i know most men get embaressed about lady illnesses but he is also gay and takes it to a whole new level. he still freaks if he sees a bra on the clothes airer. his mother also died of breast cancer 3 years ago, she was in her early 90’s but it is still very raw with him. i had an absess under my arm a year back and he went to pieces completly. so i know if i tell him i will end up supporting myself and him as opposed to gaining any support.
i have just had my new date through for my op and so i have booked for him to take his dad away on holiday while i have the op. i have read that recovery is about a week so hopefully by the time he comes back 2 weeks later i should be ok.
as far as the obvious decrease in the size of one boob, he is not very observant, i went out for cigerettes the other day and came home in a completly different top to the one i went out in and he didnt notice, so i doubt he will notice this.
Rad wise, i plan on being back in work by then and the one person who does know about the dx is also my boss in work, she is going to plan my teaching timetable around my rads so as far as he is concerned i am in work.
Hi
I am sorry but I too have to be honest. I think you need to re think all the plans you have made. Nothing is more important than your health. If you are teaching you are lucky enough to take up to six months off on full pay. Why delay surgery? Why work through Rads? My breast was so sore by the time I got to the end of Rads I wanted to walk around bra less with as little on as possible. I cannot imagine trying to write on a board or wear clothes suitable for a classroom. I found the travelling every day for rads exhausting. I had lumpectomy and all lymph nodes removed. I couldn’t drive for six weeks after so couldn’t have got to work.
Please think about yourself, you are the most important person. I suggest you ask your boss to refer you to Occupational Health and speak to BC nurse for guidance.
Regards Chinook
i am planning on working through it because i dont have a perminant contract. if take time off then it will take me ages to get back to where i am now.
i am a college lecturer so i am pretty free to wear loose fitting clothes etc. as long as i can walk and type i can teach.
i know i am probably sounding really stubbon but i cant do it any other way.
Don’t be sorry - we each have to do this in the way that works best for us.
I worked through rads and the radiographers were great at arranging times for me so that I could go to work and then drive down to the hospital for an end of day appointment. It was tiring but easily doable and in many ways getting on with my very absorbing job was just what I needed. It worked for me anyway!
Hey eowens, don’t apologise everybody copes with this cruddy disease in their own way, if you want to work, then why not? Your boss is aware of your dx, so will understand if you DO need dome time off during your treatment. I was extremely lucky that I wad paid for my time off, so I didn’t work during my rads, but again that was MY choice, my onc said if I wanted or needed to work he would’ve been happy for me to do so. Again if your surgeon was unhappy for you to delay your op, then he would’ve insisted on doing it sooner, im sure. As for not telling your friend, again if he is unstable, and more likely to break than be there for you - again your choice entirely.
Good luck luvvie, I really hope things go ok for you x
Hi,It has been interesting reading this thread and I do really sympathise and understand both sides. However, I also kept my diagnosis and treatment mostly hidden. I told the people who needed to know, like my son and my boss and one good friend, that was it. I felt too shell shocked myself to even consider discussing it with anyone else and anyway it was none of their business. I too was off work for the minimum amount of time and none of my colleagues knew what I’d had done (mastectomy and reconstruction)although clearly they knew I’d had an operation. I work in a secondary school where appearance to the Year 11s in particular is vitally important but I got away with it. Yes it may seem mad to some people but it was also my way of coping. I didn’t want to be ‘ill’ and I didn’t want people to treat me differently. I needed ‘normal’ and that is what I got. I feel I have been able to deal with it all much better that way. I do agree though, that it could have been more difficult if I had needed radiotherapy or chemo and I would have needed a lot more support too.
At the end of the day you must do what you feel is best for you and if that means carrying on as far as possible with the minimum of fuss, then so be it.
I wish you lots of luck and I do hope that it all goes according to plan.
Val
If it is a lumpectomy and rads you have a good chance of concealing it from your housemate.However if you have to have chemo he will know-and you are unlikely to be able to work all the way through.
Good Luck
Val
Thank you eliza and everyone else who replied while i was typing this, you have given me the slightest ray of hope that i am going to get through this and it is do-able.
how did you find working and having rads? how much time did u have off work after the op. sorry for all the questions. xx
Hi again, I do hope you can manage as you’ve planned and I wish you lots of luck - I understand how difficult it is with non-permanent contracts.
Re your friend, sometimes people who collapse under the strain of little things deal well with big ones - maybe he will be ok. I hope everything works out as you’re hoping, but if not and you do have to tell him, he might just be ok. I’m not trying to scare you, but please do be prepared for the unexpected. There’s enough pressure without having to try to carry on as though nothing is happening.
Yes, you can get through and the WLE is not too bad as long as there are no complications. I think what I’m trying to say is you will cope, and you’ll get through. But be easy on yourself and give yourself a break.
Big hugs again and stay in touch.
xx
I had 2 weeks off after the op as they gave me a 2 week cert before I left hospital. I was in hospital overnight (walked up to theatre at 3.30 and was in bed on the ward at 5.30, out at about 3pm next day after seeing bcn and physio). In actual fact I was doing odd bits of paperwork in the second week, but I had gone to stay with a friend so we also did a lot of chatting and lunching!
I did get tired during rads, not helped by the drive being down the M1 and round the M25 then back round M25 and A1M in rush hour. Sometimes after rads I went to the hospital restaurant for my evening meal so I didn’t have to cook and clear up and it gave the traffic a bit of time to ease off. Juggling clinic appointments looked like it wasn’t going to be easy, but they usually forgot to ask me to go in early so then they had to fit around me!
It isn’t pleasant and it is a real nuisance, but it is doable.
No worries about the questions - feel free to pm me if you want some more further and better particulars!
no, my friend is one of those people who turns it round, makes it about him and then blames the person who is suffering for it all. i saw it all happen with his mum. i cant support someone else as well as myself. my boss (well head of dept. but im sure she would love being called a boss) and her husband are doing everything they can, she lacks knowledge but is there for me. and doing a great job of hiding the fact that i can go a bit wobbily at times.
plus i think the tamoxifen are kicking in, feeling really sick and achy. has anyone else been given them before their op and knows how they affect you?
