Can't cope with the guilt.

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Hello everyone.

I can’t help feeling guilty that I’ve brought the misery of my breast cancer upon my family & myself. The debate on alcohol and cancer this morning has made me feel even worse.
I’ve always loved wine and for years have drunk more than the government’s safe limits. I’ve also been slightly overweight and although active with things like walking, housework etc I’ve never even been to a gym. I eat fairly healthily but not always.
My other huge regret is that I didn’t do something about my BC sooner. I have always had lots of cysts in my breast and in Jan.2010 following ultrasound by surgeon and mammogram, was told by radiologist that I just had cysts and that it would be difficult to examine myself so to come back in a year for another mammogram. When my nipple started turning in during the summer I put it down to the cysts and felt it was ok to wait until yearly mammogram! How stupid was that? I did have other stuff going on, I had a suspicious mole removed in the summer and then some gynae problems in Nov/Dec and just put my breast to the back of my mind.
I was diagnosed with BC after mammogram, ultrasound and core biopsies this Jan. My BC is grade 3 and has spread to 21/23 nodes.
If only I could turn the clock back and have lived more healthily, and also gone back sooner to sort out this BC before it could grab such a hold.
I feel awful for my children who don’t deserve any of this and every minute I think of how I have let them down, the worry and fear I have caused them and all the things I may not be able to help them with in the future if I’m not around and the grief they will feel if I die. (I’ve got a 62% chance of still being here in 10 years’ time).
I just wish I could start over again and do things properly.

Sorry for offloading the doom & gloom on such a lovely day.
K x

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Hi Hope444, I am sorry that you find yourself having to join us all here, but I hope that you will find the help and support here to see that this is NOT YOUR FAULT. Nobody lives like a saint, and even if you did there is no guarantee that you would not get breast cancer - it affects even those with the most extreme of healthy lifestyles. Most people I guess fall somewhere in the middle like you and me - perhaps a glass more than recommended, and a little less exercise than we might aspire too, but overall not really too bad, and just doing our best in busy lives. And of course those same busy lives mean that we don’t always pay a great deal of attention to seemingly small changes in our bodies.
Dealing with the bc and particularly the treatment is hard enough without beating yourself up over what might have been - especially when it probably would not have made a great deal of difference.
We all have very low days when going through this process, when everything seems bleak - please do offload to the rest of us, as we all have to some times!
Big hugs to support you through the gloom.
Sue xx

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Hi K
I’m average weight, don’t drink or smoke, visit the gym regularly and swim a mile a week - and i still got bc. I hate all these debates & newspaper articles that make out its ‘our fault’ for getting this bloody disease - if thats the case, where are all the overweight drinkers in clinic, cause i don’t see them?!
Its not your fault for enjoying life, and its not a punishment for past sins!!! Unfortunately it happens to 1 in 9 of us, and that 1 happened to be us, right bugger but thats life & I’m sure we all wish we could have realised sooner & spotted the signs, I had two lumps one of which was 3cm - how did i miss it, i don’t know?
Try and focus on the present, your family must be a real blessing to you - how old are your kids? Its a beautiful day today, try and enjoy it, none of us know what tomorrow will bring.
Rant & cry on here as much as you like, we are all here for you, and will help you through every step, what treatment are you having?
Sending you lots of cyber hugs

xx

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Hello hope444,

Don’t beat yourself up about it. There are loads of women who lead healthy lifestyles and get BC, and plenty who are very unhealthy but don’t get cancer. Life isn’t fair, that’s just how it is.

You can’t do anything about the past, but you can influence the outcome in the future. Take a look at the article below, it’s basically saying that if you are in good physical health you have a lower risk of recurrence, so today is the day to take ownership of your health going forwards, and be one of those women with a lower risk. Do it for your children. Best wishes to you x

nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/news/fullstory_110690.html

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im overweight, have drunk, even used drugs in the 60’s later in life have mountain bike raced been National champ, always gone to the gym, ran a marathon. DONT take notice of the sort of garbish the media put out its there to scare you and make someone somewhere some money. you try to live life to the full and enjoy every minute of now. Hope you are feeling and coming to terms with things soon.

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Hi Hope.

I completely agree with you about the press stuff, it sucks enough having BC without being made to feel as if we did it to ourselves and did so deliberately. Rant and rail all you like on here, but please don’t beat yourself up about it. If it were as simple as that, then everyone who drinks too much would definitely get cancer and no-one who doesn’t touch a drop would, everyone who has their children late, has fewer than six kids and doesn’t breastfeed for years would be fine and everyone who has fewer kids later in life would be a dead cert for BC. But it’s not that simple. It’s really not YOUR FAULT. And it’s not the statistics and research that’s the problem, it’s the idiotic way the stats are misinterpreted by the media who simply don’t understand what they actually mean!

To try to put this into perspective, look at these figures a different way.

If you are never a passenger in a car, you reduce the likelihood of being involved in a car accident. However, there is still the chance that you could be involved in a car accident purely by walking along the pavement and someone crashing into you. You could have done everything in your power to avoid the accident (by never getting in a car) but still you got hit. IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT. Similarly, just because you DO get into a car doesn’t mean you’re definitely going to have a car accident. It just means that you have slightly more of a chance of it. And even if you are involved in an accident, IT’S STILL NOT YOUR FAULT, as you have a life to lead and it may be essential to other parts of your life that you’re a passenger in a car. And you weren’t even driving!

Does that help?

And you can bet your last penny that your children don’t blame you either.

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Stop tormenting yourself, things are as they are now. I did everything ‘right’ but still have grade three bc. You just have to deal with what life throws at you and make the most of every day.
Stop worrying and have a fun day out with your kids.

Stella xx

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Please don’t feel any guilt. So agree with dancing girl…I was a very active, slim, healthy eating, non drinking, happy youngish woman, breast fed, never took the pill etc etc…I sound very saintly and very boring :slight_smile:
Anyway…stage 4 from the very beginning. Banish the guilt and have a lovely day. :slight_smile:

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Please don’t beat yourself up over this, if we believed everything the newspapers said, we would be afraid to breathe. Anyone can get this crappy disease, it has no friends.
Laraine xx

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Thanks for your support everyone. I do appreciate it.

My children are 8 and 12 years old and I love them dearly but every time I look at them at the moment I imagine them struggling and crying after my death.
The weather is lovely but somehow I can’t enjoy it because of the sick feeling I have which gets me every few minutes. My friends are being fantastic but I feel as if they are in the ‘carefree club’ of which I’m no longer a member…

I’m on day 16 of FEC 1 and my hair is coming out in handfuls. Perhaps I should have a sit in the garden. At least the birds could use my hair to line their nests, that would be something useful…

K x

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Thanks Roadrunner,

I’ve already lost 2 stone and am now 9 stone 3 and will try to stay that way. I’ve also got a 9 month old Cavalier so that takes care of a daily walk.
I’m finding it hard not to have half a glass of wine in the evening as I find it relaxes me and eases the fretting but I guess I should cut it out altogether.
As you say, I should do it for my children.

K x

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Hope, what’s this about “after my death”? I don’t know about you, but I certainly don’t intend popping my socks this week or next. But I have felt the same thing as you about my kids, as have all the mums on here I reckon. My 12-yr-old actually asked “what will happen to us if you die?” Bless her, she’s always been able to say what’s on her mind and I was very glad she could. I was able to reassure her that I wasn’t intending to do so any time soon, and that by the time I do she and her older sister will be grown up and moved out, like their big brother and sister have. She was also worried that I’d pack the pair of them off to a lovely but impossible aunty so she was VERY relieved to hear that even in the worst possible case their big brother and sister would step into the breach and keep an eye on them - my girlies were very relieved at that, as it was something that has worried them.

It sounds like you’re having a really hard time getting to grips with the diagnosis and what it means, so you might want to have a chat with your BCN to talk about what your specialists have said re prognosis and so on. Have you been told what stage your cancer is at? This is whether it is still restricted to just the breast, or breast and nodes, or whether it as spread elsewhere in the body.

Alternatively give the helpline a ring, they’re really very good and it’s so nice to have a friendly and non-judgemental voice at the other end of the phone. It sounds like you could do with a friendly chat, so give them a buzz, they’re lovely.

Hugs

CM
x

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Thanks CM,

I’m not intending to pop my clogs either but feel I need to think of all eventualities.
I do worry about what would happen to my children if the worst happened to me. I do have hubby but he works away a lot and has no option in his job. We have no family within 1 1/2 hours of here so would probably have to get a live in/out childcarer/housekeeper/ gardener/decorator ie all the jobs I would normally do who would be happy to make themselves scarce when Dad is at home but sleepover when he isn’t. Also someone who would love my children. Does such a person exist?
Wish I had family nearby, I’d feel better then but even if brothers/sister /Granny,wanted to help the kids would have to move nearer them, change schools, friends & everything familiar… That’s if hubby could change jobs to something near family…
Sorry, rambling now…

My 8 year old said a couple of weeks ago ‘Please don’t die Mum, I would never be happy again if you did.’
It breaks my heart. I’ve told him that I’m taking all the medicines to stop me dying and he seems fairly happy with that…

My bc is Stage 2 Grade3 21/23 lymph nodes involved er+. Have had Mx & SNB then ANC. Now on Fec x3 Tax x3 of which I’ve had first FEC. Then rads & hormones. Bone scan & CT lungs/liver clear.
62% chance of still being here in 2021.

K x

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K - statistics on survival are interesting… but as none of us know which camp we will fall in, ultimately no more than a good guide for the oncology team to figure out best course of treatment. You could be 99-1… but if you were the 1% - then the statistics would be as meaningless - so do try not to dwell on that. Or, if you must (and we all do, me included), then remember that that’s way better than 50/50 - and er+ is largely treatable - particularly with the advent of tamoxifen etc etc.

I don’t think there is anyone on here who hasn’t succumbed to the ‘oh god I’m going to die’ feelings at some point… but you know what? We are all going to die. Let’s just hope it isn’t for many, many years yet - and make the most of every day, week and month we have in between. Chemo screws with your head, tiredness makes it worse, and what you are feeling is absolutely understandable - I just want to tell you that it ‘will’ get to feel better. You’re on a really hard part of the journey at the moment, and this is exactly where you need to come to share how you are feeling.

Taking stock of your life, and how everyone would cope is not necessarily a bad thing. Making sure that you have a will written, and potential guardians for your children is something that all of us should do - whether ill or not - so take that control, and figure out the answers. Talk to family, and your husband - if his job is not going to be suitable if the worst should happen, then he will have to do something else - and be with your children. That’s not the end of the world. It may mean a different lifestyle - but family is more important than what sort of car you drive/house you live in. Don’t feel you have to take the responsibility for what comes next… you can help to plan, but ultimately, it will be the family you leave, that make the decisions and move on. And that applies forty years from now as much as five, ok?

Please don’t stop talking about how you feel, it is so important not to let it eat you up inside. And guilt, whilst a totally natural emotion - is misguided and pointless. None of us wanted to inflict this on our families and friends, all of us come from radically different backgrounds, have very different lifestyles, and are all here in the same boat. We do the best we can through life, none of us are perfect, and most of what you read in the papers has very little scientific back-up. Even the weight issue - yes, post-menopausal your body can extract oestregen from fat - pre-menopausal there is nothing to show that weight is a factor. The papers, and government health bodies, don’t like to mention that fact, because it would be another stick they cannot beat us with.

Hang in there hun, things will start to feel better.

Sophie xx

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Thanks for taking the time to give me such a detailed reply, Sophie.
You speak so much sense.

Don’t know what I’d do without this site…

K x

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I’m 49 and have been overweight all my life, but I have always been healthy. I used to be a social smoker but I do eat healthy . I have always had in dr words perfect blood pressure, cholesterol heart etc, but here I am. My children are grown up, but I can’t imagine how my family will cope without me. But I try not to dwell on it, it hard not to. You are not guilty of having bc, none of us are, it’s the luck or unluck of the draw.
I am a stubborn mare and I’m not giving up, no way!!!
Be kind to yourself hope. But if you need to off load and rant carry on here, we understand.
Sendin you a big gentle hug
Love Ruth xxx

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K,
I think we all feel slightly ‘responsible’ for our BC occasionally, if only subconsciously. I found myself apologising to people when I had to tell them about my diagnosis. But, 99% of the time, I absolutely do not blame myself. I was on the pill for years, I drink wine, have been overweight in the past etc. BUT, I also had my first baby at 26, breast fed all three, eat a sensible, well-balanced diet, exercise, don’t smoke…

My tumour was grade 3, large, and in my nodes. My oncologist said I had about a 50/50 chance of it coming back. I asked, because I wanted an idea of what to expect. But I also think that Trip and CM are right, statistics are meaningless in a lot of ways. Before your BC diagnosis, if you had gone into your GP and asked for your 10year survival stats, what would she have told you? It might have been, what, 90%? I don’t know. What does that mean now? Nothing. When you are 105 years old and bouncing your grandchildren on your(statistically) arthritic knees, what will your 63% statistic mean then? Nothing!

We all have our down days. Just make sure there are not too many, and you enjoy your lovely children. If things continue to look bleak, and it goes on for more than a week or so, I would speak to your GP, BC nurse, local cancer support centre, and ask for some help dealing with it.

You’re not alone, and it is most CERTAINLY, not your fault,
Tracey
Xx

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If you’re interested in the statistics and how they were arrived at, there’s another very interesting discussion thread loitering around the top of the Latest Posts list, so do take a read.

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Hi Hope444, I agree that most of us have been through what you are dealing with right now. It is great that you are puting it down in words and sharing it with us. Please continue to do this, for two reasons; one…it will help you…two…;it reminds us that we have been there and how far we have come.
I was 39 with 2 kids aged 7 and 14 when I first got the dreadful news and in my head I was planning my funeral. I found losing my hair very hard. Before this I was thinking " this is not happening to me"…until I looked in the mirror and saw that it was. A little boy I used to look after while his parents went to see his Oncologist gave me strength to carry on. David still smiled and cycled his bike and cuddled up to me when I read him a story. He managed chemo.;;;so I could too.
For 10 years I returned to work until I found the cancer had spread to my bones and I thought again " This is it"… well I have now had bone mets for another 12 years and am still here and enjoying life. in fact I am visiting one of my daughters who is now 35 who lives in France, as I type [with great difficulty on this foreign keyboard!].
Take comfort in the fact that we are here to support you, and each other, to help you get through this difficult time. Enjoy the sunshine and your kids. The rest will follow.
As for statistics… I was told that I had a 50% chance of surviving 2 years…and that was in the year 2000; Sending you lots of good wishes, love Val

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Hey

Just adding to the fantastic words of wisdom that you’ve been given. It really is just down to being a woman. albeit an unlucky one.

I have a way of looking at a prognosis, it’s a bit skewed but it suits me. The fact is I HAVE cancer (odds were against but there you go), now if someone had have been able to read the future they would have been able to tell me that this was a definite. How do I know? - Well i’ve got it! What more proof do you need? I’ve been walzting around for 41 years, having a very nice, care-free life, not giving BC a thought because no-one knew and no-one could tell me but the fact is that this particular gun was cocked and just waiting to go off. So me getting cancer was always 100% I just didn’t know it (bear with me, told you it was skewed). So now, when they say to me there’s a 40% chance of recurrence those odds are more in my favour than the 100%, the difference being that now i know the odds.

Until someone can say without question or doubt what is in your particular dna there is no way the medics can predict who will be affected by diseases. Until they can eat, drink and be merry. As Trip said we all have to die - and we all have to die of something, but it won’t necessarily be of BC. In the meantime there really is no point in making yourself feel worse by thinking it was something you’ve done.

We are all terrified at some point and it’s only natural but know you’re not alone.

xxx