I don’t quite know where I’d be right now if it wasn’t for this site and you wonderful ladies and your amazing support and I thank you all for your replies yes the aches and pains are making me worry alot and my judgement seems untrustworthy which I guess is why my O/H is thinking am paranoid and to an extent I guess I am but to me it’s to be expected that am worrying after all I’ve just been through and I get that it’s alot for some who haven’t been there to understand but was shocked to hear O/H been so harsh when he has been fantastic up till now.
well on a more positive note I went to see my boss today for a chat about my return to work and he was brilliant and we’ve agreed that I should have a phased return in January so am looking forward to that and hopefully by then things should have settled down more with the tamoxifen and if not at least they will consider giving me something to run with it as I will have been on it for 3 months.
Thank you all again for your support it means alot and really does help me and I feel alot better typong it out I find it easier than trying to talk it out.
hugs to all Angi xxxx
Hiya…just keep posting…take it one day at a time…even one hour at a time if it helps…paranoia and hypochondria…these are a way of life for me at the moment…I read on another thread…a lady describes it as a form of post traumatic stress syndrome…we haven’t been to war but we have been to hell and back…that must take some getting over…I am normally a v strong person but am not afraid to say this has knocked hell out of me…if is going to take as long as it takes to get over it…that is what is so great about this site…we can all connect with people who have personal experience of what it feels like…
It’s Very normal. I think we try to hard to pretend we are fine, and everything is ok when really we are a wreak inside. Hugs to you
Grandma Grizzle what you say is very true and most days pretending is the only way to be infact am getting quite good at that may have found my vocation in life 
am pleased to say the tears are subsiding now so maybe just maybe the tamoxifen is settling in a bit more now and if I am teary I take long toilet visits so my family don’t keep seeing me as an emotional wreck.
Putting up the christmas tree this week figured it’s about time to start trying to get into the swing of things for the sake of the family and my self am glad my girls are not babies so don’t have to go overboard.
O/H must of been having a bad day as much more back to the loving supportive hubby I am used to.
Now am off to get ready to meet my middle daughter and my gorgeous grandson in town for a spot of xmas shopping hope the flushing behaves whilst am out hope everyone has a good day
Love and hugs to all Angi xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Had a very busy week and weekend feel like I’m still chasing my tail but on the crying front had a much better week thankfully as I was really struggling with the over emotional me still not settled completely but definately looking up even managed my trip to town without incident which made me feel very proud of myself hope everybody is well hugs to all Angi xx
Finally the tears are falling less which is good as didn’t want to spend christmas in floods of tears and spoil things for my family nerves are kicking in a little though now for my onc app on the 3rd of Jan but will try not to worry too much. Excited for christmas day with my gorgeous grandson can’t wait to see his little face when he see’s all his presents, sending happy christmas wishes to all you amazing ladies for your kind words pf support and helping me find strength when I needed it take care everyone and enjoy xxxx
Hope you have a lovely Christmas Angi And be kind to yourself. One day at a time. It takes time plus come to terms with the bc bomb going off in your life. Glad this has been a better week for you xx.
Well where to start … I hope everybody had a brilliant christmas and new year 
mine was nice and quiet spent with my family.
My final oncology appointment was on the 3rd of Jan so I went along expecting to be signed off and into NEDland but have to go back in 6 weeks as the oncoligist thought it would be in my best interest to stop Tamoxifen 
so I am now starting my TAm poxy FEN break was in total shock when this was suggested the last thing I expected at most expected them to run some anti depressant along with it not stop it or put me on something else but she felt my side effects had been very severe don’t suppose it helped my hubby saying I was almost suicidal and cried constasntly which left him in complete panic all the time. Feel so bad not realising how distressing it must have been for him was so busy wrapped up in me and trying to get through each day with as few tears as possible and keeping myself occupied so suicidal thoughts didn’t enter my head so much.
Now am panicking over not taking them and the risk of the cancer coming back but hopefully will be panicking with much less crying so quietly on the inside as not to cause so much distress for my loved ones, and who knows what will be the outcome in 6 weeks we shall wait and see I suppose.
On the plus side start my fazed return to work on monday which am looking forward to although the oncologist wasn’t too keen on that bright idea of mine either but I figure it gives me less brooding time so here goes nothing.
Love and hugs to all Angi xxx
angik, really good your onc listening to you and your OH, at least now you will know if it is the ta"poxy"fen that is affecting you. Really hope you pick up soon, sending you lots of hugs xx
Thank goodness your ONC is a listener and does not just prescribe from the book. Don’t think ou are any different from ll of us. It’s hard to imagine what our families are going through on the sidelines. And sometimes we just can’t think about it when faced wih our own side effects.
am sure all will be well.
kay x
Thank you ladies and yes can say am happy I had a ONC that listened feel a bit guilty for how hard it must of been for my family watching me like that but I just couldn’t help the way I was feeling and it is very easy to get wrapped up in your self and neglectful of those around you.
Am only 2 days tam poxy fen free but already feel so much better at lot less strung out and emotional although the flushes have been quite bad again but am sure they will soon get better too along with my creaky old aches and pains.
I must say a massive thank you to all of you that took the time to post on my thread am sure without you all letting me know I was not alone was a massive help to me on my very low days I spent a long time just reading through this site and found so much to hold onto.
I am going to try very hard for the next 6 weeks not to worry about what will happen when I go back to ONC hopefully I will be much more improved and they will offer me an alternative just fingers crossed they don’t put me back on what my OH calls my suicide pills.
thinking of you all big hugs and lots of love Angi xxxxxxxxxx
Grrrr coming off the tablets doesn’t seem any easier still wide awake at 05.09 sleep seems to be playing hide and seek with me and wining grrrrr think I need to catch me a sleep fairy so if any one has one going spare please feel free to share 
xxx
I did my first short shift back at work today and am so glad I went it was amazing having that little bit of normality but boy am I pooped this evening and I only did 4 hours, feel very proud of myself though for doing it but rest day tomorrow then back weds for another go.
Today is also my fourth day without tamoxifen and it has to be said my emotional state is much improved a full day without any tears woop anyway just thought I’d write it on here as a little reminder for me and just putting things in words on here helps me alot. sending out positive vibes to all weapped in a hug Angi xx
Well just thought I’d bob on for a little update been four weeks since I returned to work and four weeks five day tamoxifen free and I feel like a different person it is fair to say the tears have disappeared completely woohoo and for that I am truly grateful also joint pains and burning feet are so much better but I guess I had not get to used to it as back to see oncologist next thursday booooo can safely say don’t really want to go back on that horrible drug but fear I will be put back on it. hope all you lovely ladies are well.
Angi xxx
Hi Angi
thank you for coming back to give an update! I too am riding the rollercoaster of emotions and I still have rads and tabs to go!!
So glad to hear that work is going well for you - I worry that I won’t be able to cope… but then I think we all think that. I know that sometimes we can be our own worst enemy!
Good luck for Thursday and for your continuing good health.
Love Lozza xx
Well it’s been quite a while since I’ve visited so thought I’d pop in to say a cheery hi to all had my first year mammogram and the results were great but still struggling with meds but don’t really have the time to be worrying as the pace of life is back to full steam so just ploding on being grateful for life hope all are well.
Much love to everyone Angi xx