It’s three weeks since my simple mastectomy, n I’ve been doin well - I hated the “crater” at first, but as the bruising subsided it didnt look anywhere near as bad, n I don’t have any problem looking at the scar.
But this is the third evening I’ve been upset. I tend to get undressed after tea, as the mx site’s quite painful by then n I’m glad to get my mastectomy bra n softie off! On Wednesday I’d bought a really pretty dress n tried it on when I got home. Then in the evening, I tried it on again as I was getting undressed - n that second time, I’d removed the softie. It didnt look as nice without the softie in, n it seemed to hit me then that I’m always going to look like that in the future.
So, I can cope with looking at my scar n find it reassuring that the cancer’s gone now, but I don’t like seeing me in clothes without a left breast.
I guess I’m going to go through periods like this as I come to terms with everything, but I just feel really overwhelmed n weepy right now. Guess I could pin my softie inside my nightwear. I dont want reconstruction, I just dont want a clothing gap when I look down. Am I making sense?
I’ve got the BCC booklet about choosing mastectomy wear etc, and it talks about putting ribbon inside ordinary bras to hold a prosthesis, if u dont wear mastectomy bras. Well its a bit painful for me to wear a mastectomy bra by this time of day - maybe I could stitch ribbon inside my nightwear somehow to hold my softie, just until I’ve got over feeling like this. I’ve got some luvly new nightwear that friends have bought me recently - I know you can get the mastectomy night wear, but I want to wear the new stuff from my friends, not buy more.
Can’t believe I’m feeling this bad as I’ve been doin so well, n my friends think I’m really brave.
My thoughts are all over the place at the moment - something else i’d like to say about pls. I spoke to my BCN the other day - she’s lovely n she woz asking how I was doing. I told her about being really pleased with myself about my arm exercises, n she said “well you’ve only had a simple mastectomy” (meaning that with no lymph odes involved exercises wouldnt be as difficult for me etc). I knew what she meant n everything, but it was the word “only” that she used. Guess I’m just being over sensitive, but the way I feel is that I know I’ve been lucky that I’ve not had lymph node involvement etc, n that I dont need any further treatment such as chemo, tamoxifen or herceptin - but even though it’s only simple mastectomy, I’m still without that boob, n if it was her that had lost her breast, wud she want it to be referred to as ONLY simple mastectomy?
I’ve digressed though - the worst thing is thinking that say in the future I have to go into hospital for anything at all - well I’ll be there in nightwear with only one “boob mound” not two, n everyone will know I’ve had a mastectomy. I just hate looking down at myself like now when I havent got the bra n softie in. How come I can look at my scar and look after it n apply cream etc, but I dont like looking at myself in clothing without a softie?
I feel so low right now - I hope I’ve not written anything here that would upset anyone else, cos I dont intend to.
Luv to you all! xxx