Hello
I’m a newbie… and am nervous about my results which are due this Monday. You would think at 51 I’d be able to cope, especially as I’d had various scans and biopsies over several months due to a thickened endometrium a couple of years ago. That was a horrendous experience - I cannot tell you how painful and upsetting having the biopsies were (with no pain relief given!). And after all that - the results were inconclusive…
This time however, I cannot fault the care I received (so why does it feel worse this time?) - from having my first breast scan at a mobile unit, to being called in last Monday for further mammograms, ultrasounds and 2 biopsies taken (different NHS Trust). They were all kind and caring - and I’ve got to go back on Monday - and I’m terrified. I saw the white spot on the mammogram - she doesn’t think its a cyst… she’s ultrasound under my arm and that seems fine… and she thinks its about 1.5 cm in size and… I’ll know more on Monday.
My boob has been painful all week, from dull aching to burning sensation on and off all week … doesn’t help cos I’m a big girl (not that I’m bragging lol!), and reading my post back I realise I’m whining!! Sorry - just need to vent out… Hubby is lovely, but doesn’t want to talk about it and I haven’t told my grown up children as I don’t want to worry them unnecessarily. Last time I told my daughter she treated me as though I was dying - fussing over me like you wouldn’t believe - I don’t want that! (Or the patting on the head thing she’d do as she passed me by!!).
I’m also doing an OU course - assignment due in Tuesday lunchtime latest - am nowhere near finished and just can’t seem to get motivated to finish it. In fact I’ve wasted the last 4 hours just staring into the distance and… well I don’t know really where the time went…
I guess what I’m saying is… all this has happened so fast… llike being on a roller coaster… please can I get off now
Work have been kind - I have Monday off as a study day, so now I feel I’ve got to get my assignment done beforehand… just in case its bad news… (employers are funding my course)… sorry am waffling for England now! Christmas is round the corner and I feel like such a party pooper at the moment - I guess I just want to go hide somewhere and be invisible! Is it natural to be so flipping hormonal… my head says it is and yet…
Sorry everyone to be doom and gloom - I mean for goodness say - nobody has said I have BC… except for that little voice in my head… Guess that’s normal too.
Life’s a learning curve eh… just when you think you’re getting somewhere it all changes! I’ll log off… very many apologies to all of you that I’ve sent to sleep… now if I could just do that myself!
I’ll log in again… when nobody’s around… not cos I’m ashamed I hasten to add… just cos I’m feeling vulnerable and a bit lost … which is why I’m here in the first place.
Bye for now
PS - Flipping heck, I’ve written an essay! :o
Firstly welcome to the BCC forums, I’m sorry to read that you are having a pretty tough time at the moment. I’m sure the users of this site will be along to support you soon.
In the meantime maybe you would like to talk to a member of our helpline staff who are there to offer emotional support as well as practical information. The free phone number is 0808 800 6000 and the lines are open Monday to Friday 9.00 to 5.00 and Saturday 10.00 to 2.00.
Your feelings are all very normal in your situation.
I was in the same place as you this time last year, age 50, recall from my 1st routine mammogram, had biopsy on the 12th December, and results on the 15th. I stopped work on the 12th and certainly could not have concentrated on it at any time while I was waiting for the results. Unfortunately mine was cancer, but small (1.7mm), I had the lump removed (on the 20th December), radiotherapy, and now I am on Tamoxifen. I was off owrk for 4 months in total (went back 6 weeks after my radiotherapy finished)
The waiting is the hardest time, they told me at the biopsy they thought it would be malignant, but I still veered from panicing about what if it was, to feeling like I was making it all up. I told my kids once I had the results before I went in for the operation (ages 19, 22, 23), but I admit I did minimise the risks. It was still the hardest part for me.
My best advice would be not to look too far forwards, take each appointment as it comes. Take someone with you so that they also hear what you are being told as it can be hard to take it all in, or write it down. Keep asking questions, and if you are not sure about anything there is loads of advice on here. I found the practical advice from people who had been through it the most valuaable, however good they are doctors can’t know what it feels like.
And now, one year on I am waiting for the results of my first follow-up mammogram, but back at work and getting on with my life.
Morning to you ,
I hope you managed to sleep a bit better after you was able to vent your feelings on here. This is exactly what this forum is for , as you still have the weekend to get through before your results on Monday. Keep busy , do not sit staring into space as that will make you feel worse. Concentrate on one thing at a time and try and finish that job before you start the next. When I found myself in a blind panic at the beginning I was trying to do far too much , so I practised Mindfulness and this really helped me. Also get some fresh air this weekend, take a walk and look around you, taking in big deep breaths. Have a nice relaxing bath with your favourite bubbles and then put some music on and sing along to make you feel better.
Do not let yourself be consumed by the BC, what will be will be. Sending you love and hugs to get through this weekend and face Monday with an open heart and mind. Love Tracy xxx
Hi Lakeslover
Thank you so much for responding. All I can say is Wow! Your response has really helped in answering the questions swimming around in my head. I guess that its the age thing - you know, being able to identify… we all look for that…
And the work thing… that’s been bothering me too… but hey… not point in thinking about it (I know!)… just need to get through the weekend… and then Monday… and then work…
In the meantime… thank you… it took a while even put anything down on my first posting… there’s only so much your other half can listen to! And even today… when I removed the dressing… and I’m whispering (so daughter doesn’t hear - even tho she’s in her bedroom!!) to him, ‘it’s looking better today’ and he’s like, ‘yeah, I’ve already seen it’, so then I turn around and try hard not to cry (and fail), and he’s like, ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean’… I guess I need to remember its new territory for him too… we’ll have been married 30 yrs in March… and it feels like we’re tiptoeing around each other… I guess that’s normal too.
Anyway - thank you once again - I REALLY appreciated it.
Good luck with your results - I hope you don’t have too long to wait.
x
Hi Lozzaroony, good advice as always by traceyld…she is a star and so positive. I know what you are going through was at the same point as you in November. everything you are feeling is normal and the waiting for results and treatment is definately the worst. I am 51 and have no lumps but Following a routine mammogram, 2 stereotactic core biopsies, I have been diagnosed with multi site high grade DCIS. I had a SLNB three weeks ago which thankfully was clear and I will be having a MX and immediate reconstruction on the 11th January, which terrifies me, but at least any signs of cancer will be all gone. I do seem emotionally to have come to terms with it all, and do believe that I am the lucky one! no doubt, I will-start to panic again about the 6th Jan as the op looms! Try and chill this weekend and do those things that you enjoy doing…mine is walking my two lovely dogs with my husband. My younger son (19yrs) flies home from Uni later today and my eldest son has just had his 21stbirthday. I refuse to let thisedits ease get in the way. My thought are wish you and sending ding positive vibes to you. I do hope and pray that the results on Monday are good. Pleasekeep chatting on this forum it did seem to get me through the dark nights and darkthoughts. A big hug winging it’s ways to you. Xxxxxxxxxx
Hi Tracy
Thank you so much for the virtual hug! I truly was not expecting to have any responses so early on so it was a lovely surprise.
Especially that I can be open and honest here…
Your practical advice is appreciated and useful. Hubby is busy doing the tiling project he’d put off doing! I can hear him now, taking the old tiles off the wall whilst I’m sitting in bed (fully dressed I might add!), typing this - with all my OU stuff spread all over the bed! I feel a bit brighter now… probably because of all of the postings here (I was a bit wet this morning!) - so will use this energy to get on and do OU stuff whilst I can. The tutor has been really nice and has said I could have up to 3 wks extension… but I’d prefer to clear it… just in case. Am not sure if some would say that’s being pessimistic - it isn’t meant to be… just want to get assignment finished…
Anyway… thank you again, responding in the way you did to someone you don’t even know is wonderful… and I can’t tell you how much better that made me feel to be able to come in here and reread the postings.
Take care - I hope you are well
Lorraine x
Hi Lorraine,
I’m glad you are feeling a bit better today.
I have been with my husband 25 years, he was very supportive but even so didn’t always know what to do or say. I think he felt helpless sometimes, sounds as if your husband is keeping busy today to keep his mind from worrying too much as well. My husband was lucky that someone he knew at work had been through it with his wife, and was able to offer support and talk about it (well as much as men do anyway!).
Let us know how you get on tomorrow,
Hello Lozzarooney,
I am pleased to hear you sounding a little bit brighter… and it is good that you are tackling some of your course work for the OU. Dont burn yourself out and get too tired . You need to catch up on all your sleep you lost last night. Lol. So a nice glass of wine, which is good for your blood then off to bed and practice that deep breathing again. I wish you a good nights sleep and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Big hugs Tracy xxx
Hi Lozzarooney,
I’m in exactly the same position as you - I got called in for a second mammogram and an immediate biopsy last Monday, and will get my results Monday 17th December. So now you know there is at least one other woman out there doing the “staring into space for a week” thing at the same time as you!
I’m also trying to study (although not OU), and am finding it helpful to think of the studying as a hobby rather than an obligation just now. That has taken the pressure off a bit and I feel more relaxed.
I wish you all the best for your results on Monday - I’ll drop back here to see how you are doing.
Hi
I just wanted to say, I’m here also. Get biopsy results on Monday. The waiting is just the worst, your feelings seem exactly the same as mine. They can go from happy to sad in the space of a millisecond. Fingers crossed and positive vibes to all getting their results soon xx
Ah thats 4 of us now… me Mammy, Lozza and Everylittlebreeze… all awaiting Monday’s core biopsy results. I’ll be thinking of you all as we face our respective ressults.
V
Me, Mammy, Every;ittlebreeze and Lozza all awaiting our core biopsy results on 17th. Will be thinking of you all and anyone else also facing our results.
V
Hello Cheryl,
I also had a Mx and immediate recon, but then I needed a full axillary node clearance as the Cancer had spread to my lymph nodes, so I was very upset and tearful. I was told I needed Chemo and would lose all my hair. This was in July 2010. BUT I did the Cold Cap treatment or Scalp cooling as some hospitals call it and I was lucky I never lost my hair and I never had to wear my wig. Remaining positive throughout helped me , along with the other ladies on here who sent me their love, their best wishes and some big bear hugs that I could feel holding me tight. I love it when we come onto these forums that we enter via Community . That is what we are , one Big Family.
I know you have a while to wait until Jan 11th so keep busy. I carried on working till the very last day as I could not bear sitting at home being miserable. I work on the front line of customer relations, a job I have done for over 24 years, so lots of regular customers. I was able to tell them all, which in turn prepared me for the operation and I gradually got used to the idea. My husband was a nervous wreck on the day of the operation but he too was given strength from somewhere.My daughter who is now 20 did not cope very well at all, especially as I told her I was not scared of dying, so we must be careful what we say to other people cos it affects them so much as well.
Enjoy this Christmas with your sons. Take your dogs for long walks and I am sure you will notice more of the countryside about you. I always thought I was very observant but after the BC I was amazed by all sorts of things… Just watch and wait and you too will be amazed. We all have the capacity to learn so much. Lots of love Tracy xxx
To the ladies waiting for test results tomorrow,
I am thinking of you all and sending you my love and prayers. Remember to all take someone with you to the appointment and a favourite book or magazine to keep you distracted as the waiting seems endless. Life has a funny way of throwing things at us some times , we just need to face them head on and be strong. It is tough and we all know it is but we have no other option.
Keep positive and keep smiling. Lots of love Tracy xxx
To the ladies waiting for test results tomorrow,
I am thinking of you all and sending you my love and prayers. Remember to all take someone with you to the appointment and a favourite book or magazine to keep you distracted as the waiting seems endless. Life has a funny way of throwing things at us some times , we just need to face them head on and be strong. It is tough and we all know it is but we have no other option.
Keep positive and keep smiling. Lots of love Tracy xxx
Hi Cheryl
Firstly - I am soo sorry - I missed responding to your post!!! I am really sorry - just come back on tonight to look and realised!! Jeez I feel awful - and you’ve been so kind and lovely too.
I hope you’ve been able to enjoy time with your youngest son - its always nice to have a houseful even with all their washing lol!
I’m sorry to hear your diagnosis - though as you say its good news your SNLB was clear (had to look that up!) and as you say… the cancer will be gone and that’s the main thing - big hugs to you.
Its strange how everything seems so different… I watched ‘Love Actually’ yesterday (I love that film), and we were both crying at one point but for different reasons! It just seemed so poignant in places… and I guess I didn’t really notice before.
At this moment in time… I’m ok - really.
You take care. Big hugs <— x —>
Lorraine x
Hello Everylittlebreeze, Mammy and Toria!
Am sorry I didn’t drop in before now! Blimey - so tomorrow we all get our results!
How strange that we don’t know each other… yet we’re all following each other’s pathway! Not that I would want this for anyone. Wishing you all good news and sending big hugs. Stand tall and be strong. Have kept busy today and most of yesterday - trying to finish my assignment which has to be in tomorrow (Tuesday) lunchtime - so have resigned myself to getting on with it now… so I can get it out of the way and submit it tonight! Hope you were able to get on with your studying Everylittlebreeze.
Its been a strange day really… I’ve had what can only be described as a ‘nesting instinct’ - only there’s no baby involved!! But on the upside, the house is tidy and hubby is getting on with the tiling in the shower room like you wouldn’t believe!! (no, not now - he’s in bed!! lol). Bless him - he’s a good man, I AM lucky!
Bless you all - take care, hopefully you’re all sleeping.
Big hugs to you all
Oh Tracy… Tracy, Tracy, Tracy! What a brave and lovely lady you are, you are, what a lovely lady you are! - a double posting too! Big hugs to you, for supporting us ladies in waiting and being there for us.
Re tomorrow - hubby is driving me, and coming in with me this time. Though I did say, he didn’t have to if he didn’t want to - but he does, and I am glad! (Not sure if I’m making any sense!!). As for reading… I doubt if I’ll be able to concentrate on anything… took my kindle last time… didn’t use it… but will take your advice anyway.
I feel calm tonight - I’ve had some major wobbles this weekend, said some horrid things… but its ok… for the moment! What happens, will happen regardless tomorrow, I can’t change anything… I’ll just know where I stand… This afternoon, was the first time for ages I felt ‘normal’ if you know what I mean, like my old self!
Thank you for thinking of us! Don’t worry that I’m not sleeping - I’m a lady of the night (no - not like that!!) - some of my best uni work is done at night!! Talking of which - I’d better get back to it… got another 1200 words to find I think…
Take care and mega hugs to you!! xx
But on the upside, the house is tidy and hubby is getting on with the tiling in the shower room like you wouldn’t believe!! (no, not now - he’s in bed!! lol). Bless him - he’s a good man, I AM lucky!
