Death of a colleague

Hi everyone

Having only recently returned to work after surgery and rads feeling very positive as early stage cancer and consultant telling me I should be fine. I heard that a colleague who was diagnosed and has rads/chemo for stage 3 cancer 2 years ago sadly passed away last night. Although this lady and I were not close friends, we felt a bond because of what we were both going through. She was very helpful to me in April before the start of my treatment but her cancer came back in her lungs just a few weeks ago and now she is gone.

All through my treatment I felt very positive but I now feel quite low thinking is the fighting all worth it? Selfishly I am wondering whether I have more to face in the future and am I giving myself false hope that I will be ok? I feel so sad for her and her family but suddenly out of the blue terrified it will be me. Is this awful to think, am I overreacting? Should I tell my loved ones how I feel or put on a brave front.

Sorry to sound as if I am whining on but this is the first time since I was diagnosed that it has really hit me hard.

Lorraine

Hi Lorraine

No, you are definitely not whining or overreacting, unfortunately none of us knows exactly what awaits us, having BC is a lottery but hopefully the earlier we catch it the better the prognosis. Yes, tell your friends and loved ones how you are feeling but also remember if your Consultant has told you that you will be fine why think otherwise. Try to enjoy each day and worry about the future when it happens, easily said than done as I am the worst culprit for not practising what I preach!!!

You will get 100% understanding and care on this forum, we have all been there so know exactly how you feel. If we could be cured by all the love and support on this forum there would not be anyone on here.

Take care and talk to us whenever you would like to.

Love K

Hi Lorraine,

I think when we have been dx with breast cancer - any news we hear of someone we know developing secondaries or dying from this wretched disease does tend to knock us back a bit. We become aware of how tenuous our hold on life can be. I guess the same can be said of knowing someone who dies of a stroke, or heart attack, or contacts any other life threatening disease but bc just brings it a bit nearer to home doesn’t it! Kelly is right - you will certainly get understanding here. I know it is easier said than done to say enjoy each day etc… but I expect in a few days you will be able to think more clearly. If it is any encouragement Lorraine - I was dx 17 years ago and am still here and enjoying life - and my prognosis was not good!!

hugs, Dawn

Hi Lorraine

huge hugs, nothing can ever prepare us for shocks like this. As time goes on you’ll meet more and more people like Dawn. I think the problem is that those who get through don’t advertise they had BC.
you’re not over reacting, as Dawn says - whatever it is we have, when we hear of someone dying from it it brings it right home. Just keep on walking, you’ll get through this
hugs

I’ve been highly positive throughout my chemo - had last one today but when I hear of others that are terminal or when they pass away they do have a huge effect on me - I do think that that will be me in the future, I bounce back but each time I am knocked - I think its a natural reaction. I tell myself that I will not worry over something that has not happened to me so i will worry about seconderies when and if they come along- sometimes its hard to do

Please tell your family how you are feeling so they can understand why you are down at the moment and help you cope with this

Your thread sounds very similar to an earlier one of mine last wk. I know exactly how you are feeling, basically mixed up and confused. I expect this our life now. I have 3 good friends with BC and they all say the same, it’s with us forever and the trick is learning to deal with the low days until they become less prominent and we can then move on.

Irene

Thank you lovely ladies for all your sympathy and advice, its so good to know you are there for me as I am for you. Thankfully today is a better day having spoken to my wonderful hubby who is always understanding and supportive. He works abroad a lot of the time and as you can imagine it is very hard for both of us to be apart during this. We are going on holiday on 14th Sep for 3 weeks and I cannot wait!!

I am taking it a day at a time and trying to put the pessimistic thoughts out of my head and to focus on the good things in my life of which there are many.

Bless you all
Lorraine

Lorraine

I had a similar experience to you last week and am finding it very hard to snap myself out of it. I have felt quite selfish in a way but it’s hard seeing someone going through it when you have the same disease - I don’t think you’d be human if you didn’t relate it to yourself in some way.

I too have been very positive since my dx to the point that I have amazed my friends and family, and even myself, and all of this has now made me wonder if I’ve been a bit ignorant about my situation.

I think we have got to be a bit selfish though to get back on track and focus on getting ourselves well. I feel that I’m getting more positive by the day and will soon be on the up again.

Hope your holiday helps to clear things in your mind - enjoy!

xx

Hi Lorraine,

I had a similar experience myself the other week, and I must admit it affected me too. I like you had returned to work and it just brought everything up in my mind once again. I try and focus on the moment and live from day to day rather than analyzing the past and worrying about the future - easier said than done! I think these fears are part and parcel of having bc and if we can accept that then hopefully we can put them to the back of our minds where they will stay - only to pop up every now and again just to give us a kick up the backside to remind us to enjoy each day.

Enjoy your holiday -

xx

It’s awful hearing that someone has died of BC, my colleague has had a long battle with it and now has a brain tumour. I suppose all we can do is remember that life’s a terminal illness, we were all going to die anyway, it’s just we’ve had to face it straight on which is terrifying. I mean, we all hope we’ll slip away in our sleep when we’re 90. I was diagnosed less that 2 weeks ago and have no idea how aggressive the tumour is or whther it’s spread etc. I know this though. If I come through this alive I will live my life so differently.
I’m trying to read books by survivors of BC rather than those by people who wrote them then died, as I’m not naturally brave, positive or able to “take each day as it comes”. But yes I’m sharing my fears with people I love, rather than putting a brave face on for their sake. (Apart from my 9 year old as I’m putting on a cheerful face for her as much as I can.)

I so agree about reading books about survivors. Unfortunately I read several which frightened me. I was dx in Feb 08 and now on chemo. I also intend to live each day. We all think we are immortal until we get ill. Most of us with bc never felt ill and hopefully still dont apart from treatment. Most books seem to be written by those who subsequently die which according to my husband makes a good story!! It is unfortunate and I feel this site also reflects that - the people who are alive well and getting on with their lives dont have time to write books or go on internet sites but it is certainly helpful to those of going through treatment to hear more success stories and helps to keep us positive and hope we also have a future ahead of us which afterall is the reason why we are all putting ourselves through all the treatment.

The trouble is once you have been diagnosed with breast cancer, you develop a “cancer Radar” so you notice everything that is written or said about someone with cancer that we probably wouldn’t have taken much notice of prior to our sudden involvement. The more information we hear, the more likely we are to hear about the downside, when someone has died or has secondaries as unfortunately, those who do well are not newsworthy. It is so surprising how many women have had breast cancer, some who haven’t made it, but seems to me far more that have. I am in the middle of researching my family tree for the cancer geneticist and there have been so many women on my mother’s side who had breast cancer who lived years after diagnosis after receiving very basic treatment - relatives I knew, but didnt know they had breast cancer!. I thought I would be depressed doing this research, but on the contrary, I feel much more positive now as there were many survivors.

Hi Lorraine

I am so sorry to hear of the death of your colleague. I totally understand your reaction as a similar thing happened to me. My friend at work was engaged to a lovely lad who had testicular cancer 3 yers ago - he seemed to be fine after surgery and treatment then he had a relapse with a secondary in his abdomen, he had chemo/surgery/chemo/stem cell transplant and again he responded well … unfortunately he then developed a completely new cancer in his stomach and had very limited treatment options due to all the previous treatment. Sadly after the rads failed to resolve the problem he was advised that they were unable to offer any more treatment - basically they had ran out of things they could give him.

When my friend told me the situation I was post-surgery and waiting for rads … I too felt very selfish because as well as being very upset for her and her fiance I did wonder if this would be me a few years down the line.

I think we have all always heard of ppl who’ve died of cancers but now that we have had a dx of our own it just hits us harder than it used to. It’s natural to worry about yourself when you hear that another person has lost their fight with this nasty disease, and it does make us question whether the consultants and oncologists are accurate when they give us a good prognosis… I think all we can do is keep telling ourselves that there are lots of others who do survive and go on to live for many years after treatment.

For those who want lots of successful survivor stories you might find: Uplift by Barbara Delinsky just what you need.

best wishes

Jane

Jane, I agree - someone lent me this book last year. When I had my ‘down’ chemo days, I would dip in to this book to make myself feel better.

I think it’s really hard to keep your spirits up when someone you know dies from breast cancer, or any form of cancer actually. The ex wife of a friend in our village died 3 weeks ago from breast cancer and she had been through so much. I knew it was coming and it was during the 2nd week of my first chemo and my immune system just plummeted. At that point I gave up, curled up and just cried. But then another friend in the village phoned to see how I was doing and I had to remind myself that she was treated for BC 10 years ago and is still NED and has a really good pragmatic attitude. That helped a lot.

None of us can see the future so we don’t know what’s ahead and I think in some ways that’s the scariest thing. And I’m coming to loath with a vengence these posters you see saying x people will die from this kind of cancer this year etc. Do they have an idea what that does to someone dealing with it… I would love to have a word with those advertising agencies. Really doesn’t help us pick ourselves back up and carry on does it.

I went to the funeral of a friend and colleague who had died of breast cancer a few weeks after my own diagnosis. Since then another colleague who worked in the same small department has died of the same disaese and countless others who I’ve met in cyber space…some who I had met for real.

I guess I may sometimes be seen as prophetess of doom…but I’m not…honest. For me, I kindof have to hold and balance the awful stuff with the better stuff. I also have friends who I met through these forums over four years ago who don’t post now, but are currently well and NED, a couple involved in breast cancer campaigning, others still living with uncertainty, but with the relief that the passage of time brings.

For myself, I know that the end of my story will be death from breast cancer…yet I never thought I’d make it five years and I nearly have, never thought I’d find the emotional resources to live with treatment, recurrence etc etc. and I do…like we all do…we’re not heroes or specially brave…we do it because there ain’t much of a choice.

The statistics in themselves don’t scare me…and I actually hate the impression that is sometimes given that people don’t often die of breast cancer these days. They still do, not in the numbers of some oehr cancers thank godness but enough for those figures to still be blazoned on the billboards and posters. When another friend dies yes I am always sad, but I try always to do something special for me in their memory, sometimes something as simple as raisng a glass of wine to them.

I never expected or wanted to be living in this strange cnacer world but I’m here and I have learned so much from the women who have gone before me, those who have lived and those who have died. My prognosis at primary diagnosis was never good…don’t know how different I may have been if it were better…but I do know thta for me facing head on a much shorter life than I always expected has been the only way to live with what once felt unliveable.

As it happens I don’t much like the Uplift book I recommended. I do prefer my cancer literature starker because thats the place I’m in and thats what helps me.

The human spirit is remarkable…we can at the same time weep and rejoice, suffer and laugh and we do, I think, all just simpl keep living best we can for ourselves. Sometimes its awful but not all the time. The fear of death from this dreadful disease is real for us, but I have found somehow it is possible to look at death and keep on living…as I said holding both in our hands at the same time.

Jane

I have/had two cousins with bc one died after a 6 year struggle having been initially misdiagnosed.I remember going with her to see a solicitor about compensation and she was told,'of course you’ll get a lot more if you die!'Hmmmmm.The other who was triple neg [first er/pr +]is still alive and well nearly 7 years later and says she ‘never thinks about it’.Well when I am feeling low I think about her a lot.She will be 70 this year and the other poor lass didnt see 60.Me?I want to live forever but the deaths,the suffering,the sheer horror combine to break my heart.Vx

I’m so glad that I have browsed this thread tonight, because for me when I was recently diagnosed I just couldn’t believe it. No one in my family that I know of has ever had cancer, let alone BC. I just can’t let myself think that I might die from this disease, never in a million years did I ever think I would have cancer.

For the last 39 years I’ve dealt with diabetes, I truly always believed it would be something to do with this that would finish me in the end, and now I feel like I’ve been dealt a double blow.

I spoke to a friend the other evening who has just finished 5 years on tamoxifen, her cancer was very small and she didn’t go through chemo, after a lumpectomy she had rads. She said every little ache or pain she ever gets always leaves her thinking “oh no, perhaps its back”. So it seems that not only do we have BC but we also have a life sentence too, I am sure I will feel the same in the future - which hopefully there will be for me.

My OH is very supportive, but refuses to ever let me think dark thoughts and from what I’ve seen here, we all have them sometimes I think that is human nature isn’t it. Thank goodness we can write our dark thoughts here and share them with others who might just be thinking the same.

xx

I’m in that dark place just now. 21 mths post diag and all treatments done apart from tamoxifen. I am convincing myself I have secondaries and am wondering if I should not come on here for a while, and wether this site is in part, helping to purpetuate those feelings.

It is a wonderful resource but I must get myself out into the light.

Irene