Its 0140 and I cant sleep. I found a lump in my right breast, 19 x 12mm and went to clinic on Thursday. I had mammogram, USS and two core biopsies from the mass and two from a lymph node taken, and a marker clip put in.
I have no results yet, but I know it’s cancer. I work in the NHS and the surgeon I saw is a friend of a friend, working at the same hospital as I worked at for 9 years. The radiologist confirmed the mass is solid. I have 5 ‘slightly swollen’ axillary LNs. I said I’d like as much information as possible, so although no biopsy results yet, I know the diagnosis itself is not in doubt.
I’m oscillating between being calm and strong, and completely freaking out. I am dreading telling my kids, one has Finals this year and the other is fragile after a mental health breakdown a year ago.
I am divorced, but close to my ex. But I live alone, and although I’ve got used to it, I find it difficult and lonely. I have a lot of wonderful friends.
I’m not telling my children until I know more - stage, grade, treatment plan.
I am shocked but not surprised, my mum had it at 72 (I am 52) and I have had a terrible few years with a lot of stress and traumas. I feel as if I have been expecting it, but it’s still a shock and I can’t grasp the magnitude of it. It feels unreal.
Yeah it is. We recently lost a celebrity here, Matthew Perry, and one of the things he said is that if he died because of drugs everyone would have been shocked but no one would be surprised. And that’s how I felt when I was diagnosed. I was rather expecting it also. At any rate I would like to tell you it does get easier, and it does, but you’re at the beginning and it will get harder before it gets better. But everyone hear understands and we’ve all been through it. I hope it’s not what you think but if it is, you’ll find support here.
Hi @georgiegirl1 I applaud the thoughtfulness that you’re taking the news. I too was one who wasn’t surprised as the grandmother I’m apparently the double of, died of BC at 72 although that was in 1961 and BC treatment has changed unrecognisably since then. It is natural to imagine the worst but the truth is a very large majority of women are treated and do not have recurrence. Unfortunately, the only way out is through and treatment can be a bind but it’s all doable as we are testament to.
In my view you are right to wait to tell your kids until you’ve got more information, if possible until you have the treatment plan, because then you’ll be dealing in facts not pure emotion. So it’s going to be a tricky wait for you but once the results are in, the shock will subside, you’ll know what is going to happen and when, and you’ll be on the path to recovery.
Do you have a close, trustworthy friend that you can confide it during this wait? It will help. You always have us too.
Sending you lots of hugs at this difficult time. Please try not to feel bad for feeling bad, there’s no right or wrong way to deal with how you are feeling at the moment.
Try to take one day at a time, and find things to do which occupy your mind to give those racing thoughts a rest.
It is really hard. And miserable. I too oscillate between tears and feeling ok. Sometimes I feel normal and then remember I have cancer. But cancer is not what it was. Even five years ago. I understand the reluctance to tell children but I am wondering who is there for you right now. We are all here for you so please know that. Maybe a friend could come and stay the night with you? Don’t be alone. There will be people in your area going through the same thing who could come to the hospital with you and vice versa . A hand to hold is wonderful therapy
I’ve always considered a biopsy the definitive proof but I believe you. And I’m sorry. But know this feeling won’t last forever. There is a point where you wrap your head around it and move on to peace and even joy and happiness. I hope that happens quickly for you.
I’m so sorry you’re going through all this . I also work in the NHS and was told at the time of my second screening that it was almost definitely cancer . I knew it was straight away , like you I had had a few awful years - multiple bereavements, illnesses , becoming a part time carer , having to make all sorts of adjustments to my life . Shocked but not surprised pretty much covered it for me as well.
At the moment it’s all out of your control , you’re in limbo and that’s one of the hardest things to deal with BUT when you get your results and a plan then you will be able to start to wrap your head around it. I think you are definitely wise to wait until you have your results and a plan before you talk to your family . I would just echo advice I’ve given before and that others have given which is to keep busy , try to talk to a trusted friend , do the things that give you joy and make you happy in the moment because remembering those moments can help you when your mind has gone to a dark place . If you exercise , do Yoga or mindfulness that can all help. I haven’t used the helpline here but I’ve read many posts to say how much they have been helped by the Nurses on there .
You have done the right thing reaching out to this forum - I wish I had done so at your stage as I’ve realised that despite having a background knowledge of BC and reading all the info I was sent there were still things I didn’t know . I’ve learned a lot just by being on here and although everybody wishes they didn’t need to be here you will find support and understanding .
I am so sorry you are going through this . I was 52 when diagnosed and also work in the NHS . I was told at my biopsy clinic appt that it was cancer . I was on my own at this clinic . My over whelming worry was how to tell my family . I didnt tell anyone apart from my husband until I went for the results . Luckily for
Me they were only a few days later - partial results anyway . I went straight away to tell my parents and then called our adult sons . They very much took it in their stride - they reacted and mirrored my reaction . I had a plan - it was going to be ok . They weee ok because I was ok if that makes sense . I think once you know the plan you can begin to get your head around it . I had surgery first so could focus on that . One step at a time . Telling my closest work colleague was hard- we had a cry together . It’s such a surreal time - it still is a year later . . I get great comfort in talking to people who have been through it . I feel like only they really know how it feels . I have 2 colleagues at work who have been through it and although I don’t see them that often it’s nice to chat things through . The common themes and how I’m / we are feeling . . It does help . This forum is helpful too . Especially in the middle of the night . Take care - focus on your treatment plan when you get it and ask loads of questions
Thank you everyone for replies. I dont think I can get through this. I can’t face telling my daughters.
I am 52 and they are 21 and 23. The younger one is very fragile after a mental health breakdown a year ago. I won’t be telling them until I know what’s what anyway.
I live alone, have no critical illness cover. I am staring into the abyss. I have had many difficulties over the past few years, and have only been back at work for a few weeks following an accident.
My employer cut my pay at the earliest opportunity.
I am in a very dark place. I haven’t got the resources for this.
I won’t go into why but I understand something of the culmination of multiple, serious life experiences one after the other. You said in your original message that you are close to your ex-husband and have wonderful friends - is there no-one you can confide in, not just about the pending diagnosis, but about your mental health struggle? Imagine how they would feel if they knew you were going through this but couldn’t help. The only way I got through my circumstances was to confide in two good friends, one who suggested helpful things and one who just listened.
If you feel you cannot lean on one or possibly two people who care for you, please see your GP to see if you can be referred somewhere from which you can seek help. Also, many of us have found contacting the Breast Cancer Now helpline on 0808 800 6000 an absolute lifeline, myself included. The nurses there have all either had BC or worked in frontline BC care so can advise on how to tell people your situation sympathetically. I know you’re running on empty but just start somewhere, with one little call.
With regard to work, once you have a cancer diagnosis, you are protected by The Equality Act 2010 so try not to worry about your job security. I don’t know enough about the NHS sickness provision but, as a retired employment lawyer, most employers I came across had insurance for long term illness (including mental illness) called PHI - permanent health insurance - which takes the decision away from employers to the insurers as to whether to continue with sick pay. If you can face it, check with your HR department whether you are covered by PHI.
You’re almost at rock bottom by the sound of it, please PLEASE ask someone for help. None of this is your fault, just one short call to someone you can trust and things can begin to turn around. At the very least, keep posting here. I so wish I could give you a hug right now.
Hey there. I was diagnosed in September at 43 and veered from mad panic to weirdly calm. The c word is big and scary but the treatments nowadays are so much better and you are in good hands. One thing I found out this week is that you are entitled to free telephone counselling with Macmillan. 6 free sessions. Why don’t you give them a call and talk it through? I had a meltdown on one of our local breast nurses on Friday and she told me about it. I have a session lined up for Tuesday and it has helped me to know I have that in the diary. I totally understand you not wanting to tell your kids yet…but I would really consider speaking to your ex or another close friend. You need a hug and some love You will have better days and you can do this even if it feels like a mountain right now xxx
I also had a lot of sick time coming up to my diagnosis - nearly 8 months in 2019 with a central retinal vein occlusion and 2 months from March 2021 when my Mum was ill and then because she died. I was diagnosed in November 2021 and I was also worried how I would be treated - everyone was very supportive actually . MacMillan can give advice as regards employment and financial help as well as the free counselling already mentioned. I don’t fully understand it but when I was off they checked to see if had enough leave owing from the previous year to extend my sickpay ( it didn’t take long for me to get onto that having had 2 + plus months off already ) - there wasn’t but got back before my half pay ran out .
I hope she won’t mind me mentioning her but there’s a lady on here called @pinklilli3s who has contributed to other threads on here about employment and she is very knowledgeable.
I don’t have children myself - I can’t advise you about that though I think it’s likely they will know something is wrong anyway if you don’t tell them . I have read other posts on here that have said exactly the same thing .
I agree with the others though - you need to get some support don’t try to do this alone .
@georgiegirl1 this is yours news and I support everyone comments saying you will need help. Living on my own I needed time to digest the news and I, also went into a dark place until I receive the confirmation of biopsy…like you, I also knew… Cause I was healthy and could not find any reason for a lump there aside from cancer. It’s hard asking for help but it’s also necessary. I guess you might have to define when, how and who you say what to. I told many friends initially but not all and only going forward kept a few “up to date”.
With regards to your employer cutting your pay, I do not have all the details but happy to help. I work in private sector atls Senior HRBP.
Did your employer provide company sick pay (meaning on top of statutory sick pay provided by government).
Did you exhaust all of your statutory and /or company?
The law provides up to 28 weeks of statutory sick pay . Some information here : Statutory Sick Pay (SSP) : What you'll get - GOV.UK.
If you have any more specific questions am happy to try to help you. I would get hold of your handbook and company sickness policy.
If you had exhausted your statutory sick pay (perhaps from previous illnesses) some information here from same website: If you’re not eligible or your SSP ends You may be able to apply for Universal Credit or Employment and Support Allowance (ESA). You can use form SSP1 to support your application.
If your SSP is ending your employer must send you form SSP1 either:
within 7 days of your SSP ending, if it ends unexpectedly while you’re still sick on or before the beginning of the 23rd week, if your SSP is expected to end before your sickness does If you do not qualify for SSP your employer must send you form SSP1 within 7 days of you going off sick.
Have you spoken with your breast care nurse? Alternatively call one of the nurses from this forum. I have surgery on Wednesday and utterly terrified and can relate. It is miserable and lonely but there will also be courage and resilience. You are needed and loved and you don’t have to be a hero. We are all here to support x
This waiting period at the beginning of a diagnosis is the hardest part of the whole thing. I believe you that you know; I knew when I saw mine on the ultrasound, it just didn’t look like anything that belonged in there. I was 2 months from diagnosis to surgery and another 2 months before chemo. The waiting is awful. I began meditating with an app and it was a game changer for me. Highly, highly recommend it. You don’t have to already know how, the app will teach you. Any good app will do – I use Declutter the Mind. And reach out, let people know if that feels right to you. I couldn’t stand secrecy. I told everyone once I knew for sure from the biopsy. I wanted it out there in the open. But you do what you need. Cancer is one of those parts of life that you can’t control and have to deal with, but you get to set the terms. This group was a huge help, too. Everyone here knows and understands what you’re going through. I say this not only to you but to the other newly diagnosed women who are seeing this. Good luck to you all, may your treatments be tolerable and effective, may you have ease and comfort all along the way.
In my experience its the hardest thing. The waiting.
I did not tell people until the results came back and it was the longest two weeks. I am a really calm, pragmatic person but I suffered real palpitations. I told my sons in as positive way as possible and there is reason to be positive. Treatment has come a long way and even though it cant be cured it can be well managed and we can live long lives alongside it. Dont get me wrong, Im only 7 weeks in, surgery done but awaiting radiotherapy , and the diagnosis has brought some things sharply into focus. I am the full time support to my son who had LD and autism, so my next mission is to set him up somewhere with support so that I know he’ll be ok without me. Im not pessimistic, but somethings feel more of a priority than they did 8 weeks ago. I really hope your results are the best they can be and your children cope well with the news. The word Cancer strikes such fear into us, but I do think we have a whole host of wonderful treatments now, so can be optimistic.
You will have better days and you can do this even if it feels like a mountain right now xxx
thanks for linking me.