Dear Nika16, First of all, a Big Virtual Hug. I am so sorry you have “joined the club nobody wants to join.” It’s tough, but, as other people have said, you’re doing the right thing by talking about it on this forum.
People here have an idea of what you’re going through, which many of our family and friends don’t. That’s what I struggled with most, at the start.
I was lucky. My breast cancer was caught early through a routine mammogram. Grade 2, Stage 2. But I had no idea what that meant, or what lay ahead, and I was frightened. I had a lumpectomy a year ago, and it went well. But I’d never had a general anaesthetic before, and I was afraid I wouldn’t wake up or would wake up too soon.
Part of me knew that was crazy. Anaesthetists are very clever people, and mine was very reassuring. He said he’d done this a few times before, and he would pump me full of Class A drugs !
My friends and family told me everything would be fine. My prognosis was good, and loads of people have lived a long and happy life after cancer treatment. True - but at times I didn’t want to hear that. I didn’t want to be told to be hopeful. I wanted the space to express my fears and to cry if I needed to. When I didn’t get that space, I withdrew from my friends and felt very isolated.
That’s when Maggie’s came to the rescue. Do you live near a Maggie’s Centre ? I regularly made a 100-mile round trip to the original Maggie’s Centre in Edinburgh. They are superb. It’s a bright, cheerful building full of soft chairs and sofas. Volunteers welcome you as you come in, offering you an endless supply of tea and biscuits.
You can talk to a trained member of staff. Most of them in Edinburgh are former oncology nurses. They listen and they do not tell you how to feel. One of their mantras is that every emotion is valid. You do not have to put on a brave face. Being told you have cancer is shocking and life-changing. No wonder we get upset ! All the plans we had for the year ahead are suddenly put on hold, and we enter a strange new world which we don’t want to be in.
As the saying goes, it’s okay to not be okay.
I found the Macmillan Online Community another good source of support and information.
Please be gentle with yourself. Take care xxx