Thanks for starting this Lone, I nearly wet myself reading some of the threads. I also have a pubic hair fringe along my C section scar. It’s like a sideways on exclamation mark as if to say what are you looking at?’
Don’t have any funnies of my own to post but got these from the net and they made me laugh.
sue x
Real Doctors Notes
Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
Healthy-appearing decrepit, 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
The patient refused autopsy.
The patient has no previous history of suicides.
Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days.
She is numb from her toes down.
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
Skin: somewhat pale but present.
The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
To Rhian: The Big C had rhe occasional good line but the gratuitous use of the most vulgar and foul language I have ever seen on TV made it so unwatchable that I had to switch off quite early on.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ! You guys are really making me laugh. Thank you so much. I love it! Keep them coming as we all could use a good belly laugh from time to time.
Not a ‘cancer joke’ but a tongue-in-cheek ‘mammogram warning’.
"We should encourage all women to partake in routine mammograms, but it also useful to prepare them for the procedure by giving them a few useful tips.
It is suggested that you first go into your garage, strip to the waist, then lie on the cold concrete floor. You should then ask a friend to line up your breast with the wheel of the car before reversing over said breast.
If this procedure is not sufficient preparation, we suggest that a good friend line up two bricks, place your breast between the bricks, and then slam them together with as much force as possible."
You must remember, that this form of screening was, no doubt, invented by a man, so I’m sure they would have no trouble if we screened their balls for cancer in a similar fashion, they might find a ‘kinder’ method."
An Irish woman named Mary O’Leary went to her doctor to get her results… The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Mary in the eye and said, “I’ve some bad news for you… you have cancer and it can’t be cured. I give you two weeks to a month to live.”
Mary, who was shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose herself and walk from the doctor’s office into the waiting room. There she saw her son, who had been waiting. Mary said, “Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t so well. I have cancer and I’ve been given a short time to live. Let’s head for the pub and have a few drinks.”
After three or four drinks, the two were feeling a little less sombre. There were some laughs, some tears, and more drinks. They were eventually approached by some of Mary’s friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Mary told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. She went on to tell them that they were drinking to her impending end. She told her friends, “I’ve only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS.” The friends gave Mary a hug and then they continued to drink all through the night.
After the friends left, Mary’s son leaned over and whispered in confusion, “Mum, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer. You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS.”
Mary replied, "I am dying from cancer, son. I just don’t want any of them sleeping with your father after I’m gone.
— Author Unknown
An old lady went to her doctor because she was concerned about some lumps she had found under her breasts.
The doctor gave her a thorough examination and told her, “Ma’am I have some good news and some bad news.” She said the she would like the good news first.
The doctor said, “The lumps under your breast aren’t cancerous.” The old lady asked what the bad news was.
The Doctor replied, “The lumps under you breasts are your knees.”
old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight, so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said: “Pardon me, madam. I do notintend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowingup in this high wind?” “Yes, I know,” said the lady, “I need both hands to hold onto this hat.” "But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!"said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, “Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!”
I have been getting excited about the fuzz that has been growing on my baldy head since my last chemo session a fortnight ago. The only problem is that it is WHITE! Now I wasn’t expecting that. I know that I am nearly 43 and sort of expected it to be a bit grey, but white/? blonde was a surprize.
Actually, I have been colouring my hair since i was about 18, mostly blonde, so I don’t really know what my real hair colour is. I never really expected that chemo might save me some money getting my hair dyed. Knew that there had to be a positive spin to chemo.
I thought all the memory, concentration troubles was caused by the chemo, but maybe it was because I am turning blonde??? What do you think?
I do hope that none of these jokes or stories offend anyone? They may be to everyone’s taste, so I apologise if any one feels uncomfortable reading them. The main aim is just to have a bit of light hearted humour to cheer us up.
Sorry crazy cat lady, didn’t mean to 4get your joke… at least each time I read the joke it will feel like the first time I’ve read it. Beauty of the chemo brain hey?
Lots of big hugs to all of you out there that may really need one today.
Hey guys, I have had a couple of bad days myself and needed a laugh. Again, I hope these jokes don’t offend anyone. Here goes:
How are woman’s breasts like electric train sets?
They were originally intended for the kids, but Daddy
always winds up playing with them.
Once there was a girl who wanted larger breasts. So one day she
went to see her doctor, Dr. Smith.
Dr. Smith told her to rub her breasts and repeat the following:
“SCOOBIE, DOOBIE, DOOBIE, I WANT BIGGER BOOBIES”.
One day she was running late and decided to do her excercises
on the bus when a guy came up to her and asked if she was a patient
of Dr. Smith’s. To which she replied: “Yes how did you know?”.
He replied with one hand in his pocket: “HICKERY DICKERY DOC!”
Don’t forget to let us know any funny stories you may have that we can laugh with you about?
* I don’t take as long in the shower as I have no hair to wash.
* I no longer have bad hair days.
* I can go for a ride in a convertible with the roof down and not have to worry about my hair (the one I have left), getting out of place.
* I can get great head massages without getting oil in my hair.
* I can change my appearance with different wigs, scarves, hats or caps etc.
* No more greasy hair!
* I save money on haircuts, dyeing my hair and hair products.
* I can now turn heads! people who wouldn’t normally notice me, certainly do now! he he
* I can scare the postie or delivery men for a laugh.
* I make those dreaded door to door salesmen who come calling feel uncomfortable and they leave me alone.
* I can’t get nits from the kids.
* I don’t have to worry about dandruff.
* I can get sympathy from people and get the comfy seat, or extra ice cream when eating out.
* I get lots of hats & scarves for presents. (maybe that isn’t a positive?)
* People don’t notice how fat I am now as the attention is more on my head.
* I don’t find stray hairs on my clothing anymore.
* I get more compliments of how good I look (even though I look horrid, but they say it to make me feel better).
* I don’t need to wear a swimming cap when I go for a swim.
Kulakatz,
I have just found your jokes ,thanks so much
I haven’t laughed so much since I can’t remember when.love the one about turning blonde,no offence as I used to be blonde too until chemo zapped me and I ended up with very dark hair
