Hope everyone is fine and dandy tonight,
My day started off very good … i had a lie in and got up really relaxed and kids were behaving. About 3.30 - 4.pm we all trotted off to our local pub to watch the football (well colin & my dad did) and me, mum and the 2 little ones sat outside in the pubs garden as they had a bouncy castle (plus they have a play area) and a huge bbq going. At 5pm thomas dad phoned and said he had brought him home and i wasnt in… told him i was in the pub and he dropped him off. As i went outside to meet him, Thomas started shouting i was an alcoholic told him to shut up. took him into the beer garden and within a few mins he said it again. He then asked me something about Adam… i asked if he ment our Adam and he started shouting that i was drunk, which i told him with only having 3 halfs of shandy i was no where near drunk.
About 20 mins later my dad was having a laugh with him joking he was going to tip him over a one foot wall while holding his legs… he was laughing one min then exploded and punched my dad in the face.
I was so angry and ashamed as by this time it was really busy and everyone was looking and thomas was shouting at my dad to F**k off. My dad was so upset and just sat down. I put on my coat, grabbed the kids and walked out. colin told him he better get his backside home with us.
I got out the pub and burst out crying and cried all the way home… what am i to do with a child like this??? My brother has never even raised a hand to my dad so im sure my 12 yr old is going to get away with it.
Im so so so upset with it all as 1) never really drink, one bottle of wine about every 2-3 months. 2) iv lived here 5 years and been to the pub 4 times and today was the 4th. and 3) i work full time, come home, keep a nice house and look after my kids very very well and would never leave them with anyone apart from school or my mum. I try and give my kids everything they want and this is how i get treated.
so sorry your upset. I hope you have a glass of wine in your hand now and feel a bit calmer.
As an outsider it sounds as though he is very angry/upset about something and needs to talk to someone, maybe even your dad needs to sit him down in a quiet environment and ask him, im not sure of your situation, if youve been diagnosed or waiting for results but there is obviously some upset/stress in the house and the kids pick up on this but dont usually talk about it, boys will hit out verbally/physically when there upset about something, i think he really needs to open up to someone.
You sound like a great mum and im sure they love you loads.
good luck
Tracey
(p.s. mum of a 4 year old so have it all to come lol xx)
Thank you Tracey, My other 2 are 3 & 4 so iv got more to come too lol.
He has always been like this ( his dad, my ex is like this too). It is normaly in doors where noone can hear and he says some really nasty things…ie, im a t**t, d**khead, B****rd oh the list goes on and on.
Tried to talk but just dont speak back. When he is nice he is really nice but cant cope with this being nasty.
No wine just alot of chocolate and watching BB
You need to get tough, this is your ex teaching your son how to disrespect you and before long your other 2 will be doing the same, you dont deserve to be treated like this, you dont want this for the rest of your life you want your boys to show you love and effection. Can you not threaten the dad with refused access if he doesnt change his ways, i am so angry for you.
My friend has just gone through something similar but she has taken control and seen a solicitor, i suggest you do something asap to protect you and your boys otherwise the world could see 3 more bullies which is what your ex is!
Been through all this and he keeps going to his dads. I put up with 10 yrs of beatings from my ex and feel its going the same way with my son. Everyone keeps saying he needs a good slap, but is that the answer!!! He has had every other punishment going, grounded, taking everything out his bedroom ( and believe me he has every new thing going LCD tv, his own full sky package etc) but to him he gets nothing.
No the experts say dont punish anger with anger. That will only back up that what your ex does is right.
Can you have a talk to you son saying how hurtful and upset you get when he says horrible things to you? and you need to explain that what his dad says/does is wrong and how other men dont talk to people in this way. boys dont like to see there mum upset so a gentle talk might get to him. How about small rewards for each day that he doesnt swear at you etc. Failing all this and your ex is influencing your son then you really will have to see a solicitor for advise, you cant go on like this and dont forget your in charge and you can stop him going to his dads.
His dad is coming up tomorrow as i got on the phone to him tonight. We have got on well for about 6 months now and he is upset im going into hospital and says he was ashamed his son has hit his grandad. He says he is going to sort things out with him tomorrow as i dont need more stress at the mo… we will see as im going to be there to see whats going on… just dont need to cry infront of ex lol
claire
When he says sort things out i hope that means he isnt going to give him a slap!!! Glad he’s treating you a bit better though you dont need any cr*p at a time like this. And so what if you cry, at the end of the day its probably his fault that his son is acting like this. I would still talk to your son though, kids dont realise what effect there actions have, it cant do any harm, also if you have mentioned the word cancer to your son he may think the worse as they dont understand how effective treatment is now, make sure he understands everything and how he needs to support you, tell him he’s the man of the house and how you need him etc.
you never know.
I can really sympathise …my step son who is now 15 1/2 was like this and far worse telling me all sorts calling me all sorts and my eldest sometimes copys the way he behaved …but thankfully he is younger and still responds to punishments…however my step son got so bad we took him to the drs and he saw a child psycologist and altho he now lives with his mum he has reverted to the lovelly boy we love and we get on great now…banning him from his dad will not help and will in my opinion make matters worse …I would reccomend getting him help as you don’t want his future turning like his dads!!!..as for the beatings I know how hard it must have been for you to walk out as they get you so you don’t seee what future or how to stop it …but did your son witness any of it as that might be the route of his feelings and again he might need help dealing with this…I did expieriance somethig similar with my step son and it really did help.
they also taught us how to punnish him and to start with I thought it was too soft but it worked and i try those methods now with our 7yr old and it does help
p.s. thinking about it i agree with loubyjane, banning him from dad is a bad idea it will only make him rebel more probably. Child psycologist sounds good to
xx
Sorry to hear about your day. Did your son have a bad day with his dad? Maybe he tried to talk to his dad about you and didn’t get the support that he needed. Have you and your son ever attended any domestic violence programmes, such as a survivors programme? My friend runs a teenage programme and a lot of kids ‘act out’ behaviours that they have witnessed in the past as they reach adolesence. I also work with young people and it is quite common for behaviour to change as they get older if they have witnessed DV. I also experienced DV as a child and it has affected all of the children in the family differently. It is only now having an effect on my sister and she is 30 (she denied it ever happened for years).
You are a brave lady and capable of winning many battles. I hope that this all settles down soon.
I am going to have a chat with him tomorrow morning when he gets up. Iv not told him i have cancer but he knows im off for an op on thursday on my boob. I cant blame the op cos as i said its been going on for a long time. His dad said he is as good as gold with him and cant understand why he is like this with me but i will get to the bottom of it tomorrow on my own and with what he says to his dad. I left his dad when he just turned 3 and he never says he remembers anything and dont want to start asking questions about it. Hes not just like this with me, is with his friends, my mum and is really nasty with colin sometimes even tho he gives him everything…golf leasons, football kits when they come out, sports gear & trainers etc. But colins hands are tied and he knows this.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr kids !!!
Well i have to kalm down as this week is not the week to be on my high horse as with my blood preasure being as high as it is there is no way they will do the op if its any higher.
Hey LJ whats this your picking up old men at the supermarket… you go there for a bunch of bananas and end up with an old prune lol
I agree. Really sounds as though he needs professional help. Not sure where you are or what the procedure is in your area but it might be possible to arrange a referral through the school.
Thank you Kate,
No he seemed to get out the car very happy as far as i can see. Most of the time he trys to play one against the other and loves when we argue. Iv never heard of these things u have said. Worth looking into but where do i start to look?? He just seems to have so much anger in him and i cant get to the bottom of it no mater how much i try. He now lives in a house where apart from fighting 3 & 4 year olds its very calm. Colin dont even raise his voice never mind fight with anyone. He is even starting to get nasty with the little ones by punching them etc.
I don’t like prunes very much …give you the runs!!!
Do you still have a health visitor for the young ones? as they are good sorces of info and a health visitor is a family one not just the baby!! That was who told me to take step son to dr’s …I was very thankfull of her advice!
I hope you do get to the bottom of it! and I hope you do calm a bit as you don’t need all this right now! Maybe you should tell him the truth about what your facing…he is 12 and might appreciate the honesty and the fact you have confided in him…kids are strange boys especially so!!
But if he is starting on the little ones it must be hard for colin! As the mother it puts you in a hard place and I wish I could give you some answers…Please rant and shout at us and I’m sending you big hugs xxxxx
Claire, as always there is love and hugs coming your way.
I spent too many years of my life with a violent husband; (now ex), and I know only too well about the effects that can have. I know there has been a lot of press about DV but I don’t know where you’d go to get professional help for your son. Health visitor is a good suggestion. If she can’t help directly, she’s bound to be able to point you in the right direction. And don’t worry, hon; it’s very obvious you are a good mother. Try and take some time for yourself. Even if it’s only some relaxation exercises while youre lying in bed not sleeping!
You’re a strong and courageous lady and you’ll be fine, sweetheart.
I’m sorry to hear you’re having a difficult time with your teenage son at the moment. Your Health Visitor is a good base to start with for help locally.
There is a lot of information on the internet regarding talking to children about cancer; from how to approach the subject with a child to answering their questions in detail without frightening them.
Most of the information has a similar base describing how children are sensitive to changes in the atmosphere around the family environment especially when someone like mum is fraught with emotion and they may have overheard snippets of conversations which can confuse and frighten them. Advice is given that children are usually resilient when faced with difficult news and cope best when they are kept informed. Being open and honest is often the best approach.
Who should tell the children? As a parent or carer it is often best if this information comes directly from this person as it is not brought to the child ‘third hand’, but if this is too difficult then someone who is close the child could be asked to do this.
Websites that have good, clear advice and information are:
Macmillan have a new telephone helpline called the Macmillan Youthline, this offers information and support for 12 to 21 year olds with questions and concerns about cancer. Operators are trained in talking to young people and are there to provide information and support and the chance for callers to talk openly about their experiences. The number is free on 0808 808 0800 open 9am – 10pm Monday to Friday.
Thank you all so very much.
Im going to get my mum to watch the kids today and taking thomas to the park for a long hard talk and try to sort what ever is going on inside his head. ( hankys at the ready)
Thank you Louise for the website addys and i am just going to have a look at them. I will also ask him after our chat if he wants to have a little look at the 2 you have gave me for him and also give him the number if he feels he needs to talk to someone apart from me.
As for HV i dont think there is one for round my way any more. Called one out about a year ago and she said there wasnt one but she was covering but only for a week or so and she didnt know who and when another one would be there. Not much faith in HV’s but thats an other story. So i will see how today goes and might put an appointment on to see GP if i feel im out of my depth handling it on my own.
Once again thank you so much for your help.
Sorry just caught up with this thread. I hope you are OK today. Have not got any experience with older children as mine are under 4, but in no way should you think you are a bad mother, you are, I am sure, a brilliant mother and do everything you can for your kids like most of us. He is at that age of rebellion, but you shouldn’t have to go through this sort of behaviour especially right now, when your emotions are running high and you are worried and stressed.
Can you also not call your docs as they must have a contact number for health visitors. All areas have them I think, as who looks after any newborns in your area? Although have to say, when I have had couple of queries with my 3 year old (her speech mainly), they say it is her age and she will grow out of it, always seem to say the same thing. Got referred now though to have her assessed as kept on about it.
Hope your chat goes well with Thomas and wish there was something more I could say or do to help you. You are a very strong and incredible lady, the fact you still remain friends with Thomas’s dad speaks volumes about you, after what he put you through. Stay strong and hope you manage to sort this out very soon. But remember also, to take care of yourself, as you need to get through your op.