The last few weeks I’ve become more introverted and shut myself away from friends and family. I don’t know who I am anymore!
Diagnosed in July with high grade Dcis, more found after biopsy then 2 lots of surgery, tamoxifen then 15 sessions of radiotherapy treatment that finished in November.
I once was a confident in control person now I’ve no idea. I know that I’m really lucky that everything was found early and that there are many people who are dealing with a lot worse I just can’t seem to sort myself out.
All I want to do is sleep and hide away. I won’t go anywhere unless my hubby is with me I’ve lost all my confidence, Please someone tell me this gets better.
Hi Clair,
Just saw your post and wanted to let you know that I feel some of what you’re feeling myself. It’s very hard to process everything we’ve been through and I think it’s difficult not to want to hide away at home where we feel safe. I find some simple everyday things hard to cope with and find I’m avoiding certain situations. Perhaps it’s natural not to be on top form. We seem to think that we should get ‘back to normal’ as soon as possible, when in reality we’ve been through a huge life-changing illness, and should be giving ourselves a break. I think you have to allow yourself time to recover emotionally as well as physically, however long it takes. It is a kind of grieving for your old life, and takes time. Personally I find getting out for a walk helps; or doing some gardening or sewing is very therapeutic. Anything you enjoy doing helps. I hope if you start to feel worse you will ask your G.P. for some help. I haven’t yet but I will if I need to. Hope you start to feel better soon. xx Lily
Thank you for all your kind words <3. I really thought I’d just go.back to being the old me I’ve had to.put off going back to work and I get very frustrated with myself.
Maybe today is just a really bad day xxxx
I’ll be thinking of you Marydan good luck with your scans xx
Clair, I thought it was just me feeling like this. I’ve had things on this month that I agreed to go to a long time ago, Christmas lunches for groups that I go to, but I’ve had to make myself go, and then I’ve felt a bit like the spectre at the feast, the one everyone remembers to be kind to. I’ll forever be poor Dawn. And my role is always to churn out the same stuff about treatment soon over, getting on with things, it’ll be fine.
And really I’d rather stay home where it’s safe and I’m allowed not to be relentlessly upbeat all the time. It doesn’t help that I’m getting really self conscious about being lop sided, and a long time to go before any surgery to even things up.
It’s only here that I can say these things, I am so grateful to have a place to talk to other women who have the same feelings. This is a life changing experience, I want to get the physical recovery finished with, but I don’t think I will ever be the person I was.
Dizzybee…thank you…you’ve just said everything I’m thinking.xx
I’ve tested people out for their reactions…before my ops and during chemo I was determined to present a positive image regardless and I think other people seem glad and almost relieved that they don’t have to deal with upset, maybe years.Now I’m post surgery with just rads to go, its.presumed I’m over everything and feeling normal in body and mind.So if I’m asked how I am they wouldn’t expect me to be less positive now or mention med side effects aches and pains etc…it confused them and makes me seem ungrateful…I can see on their faces.so the only place to talk is here.x
Thank goodness I’m not the only one, I totally get the sympathy looks and extra kindness I just can’t deal with it so I’ve just pulled out of a few dos. I’m finding it difficult to cope with how I feel at the moment let alone other people I ethier cry or get cross!
The other thing I’ve noticed is that people often look at my boobs while talking to me to see if they can tell the difference 
I want to say do you want a proper look.
I honestly don’t know how I’d manage without everyone’s support on here. It can be so lonely in the outside world where no one really knows… Thank you <3. Lv Clair xx
Hello everyone
I’ve been having this reaction for almost 3 years now - finally plucked up courage to say “I don’t want your pity, just your understanding, and I don’t want to bore you with details you won’t want to hear, but thanks for asking”. Got a few shocked looks to begin with but finally people are starting to treat me the same way they did “before”, and the amosphere is a lot easier now, to the extent that I don’t turn down invitations so often and therefore have a bit more of a normal social life now that we’ve confronted the “elephant in the room”. It certainly works for me, so just give it a try. Good luck.
Thank you Poppy, I’ll give it a go xx
Hi ladies I agree with every one of you, we are all in the club that no one wants to be in and no one understands unless they are in it! I am 4 years on from diagnosis and treatment but still going through surgery as I had a failed reconstruction. Finding it more and more difficult to go to work as I am very conscious of being lopsided whilst waiting for further surgery. I am not going to the Xmas do and as you say people just expect you to be fine 4 years on even though I am on tamoxifen and waiting for my 5th operation. Life can never be the same again and people just don’t understand. At work when I am in the office people think you are fine about talking publicly about reconstruction etc and we share an office with another team so everyone is listening. Some days I just want to scream and can’t wait for my next surgery because at least I will get away from work for a while. It does become increasingly hard to have a smile on your face all the time and everyone asking are you ok? You just say that you are because it’s easier than explaining x
Sending you love WhiteLily xx. Is there a trusted person who you could talk to at work so they can support you? I’m going to.talk to my line manager before I go back just so they can let the team I work with know I just want to carry on as normal but I’ll just have to wait and see xx
Hi ladies, I’m still undergoing treatment (last chemotherapy next week, expect to have operation in January) but will be in the same position as you when I go back to work. I couldn’t help noticing your posts about others’ reactions, and thought you might like to see this which I came across when looking for Christmas presents:
notonthehighstreet.com/aliceshieldsceramics/product/earthenware-stop-looking-at-my-tits-badge
I’m definitely going to order one after I’ve had my operation (if there are any left…).
Ladies - I hope nobody was offended by my post but if they were, I apologise. I didn’t mean any offence and understand that what you have been through is traumatic to say the least, particularly Whitelily. I know this could happen to me in the future, I just haven’t got that far in my journey yet. To have other people pitying you and/ or staring at your breasts when you are trying to get back to some semblance of normality must be so annoying. But I sometimes think that a bit of humour, such as the brooch, can help diffuse the situation (it certainly helps where I work - a requirement for a warped sense of humour should be written into the job description). Please accept some hugs by way of an apology if any offence was caused. ?
Old dawn :-D. Not at all…
We all need humour to get through this I thought it was very funny and it brightened my day xxx
I don’t find people stare, it’s more of a quick sidelong look and then they definitely don’t look again, it’s like curiosity just gets the better of them for a second, then they’re embarrassed. Probably more so when they realise that they can tell…it must be so easier when it’s the left one which is undersized because that’s where the damn pockets get put! Though maybe that just draws attention to it…I am so looking forward to the reduction surgery to sort it out.
My oncologist called my DCIS a precancer and I just wanted to smack him. This thing has taken a wrecking ball to my life, and there’s a way to go yet, don’t dismiss it as if it’s nothing.
I wear a padded bra so you can’t really tell unless it’s sliding over to the other side!!
My surgeon first said to me" you have breast cancer but it’s ok because Dcis is the best one to have" …
My oncologist was really good but one of the Bc nurses is very dismissive about it but then I expect she has seen some ladies go through terrible times.
Its just the thought it’s been here in me and could pop up anywhere at anytime and next time I might not be so lucky to find it that early. I’m sure the tamoxifen isn’t helping with my mood swings but I’m going back to the Dr to have a chat
lv to you all xxxxxx
Hi Ladies,
Just found this thread so thought I’d join in if anyone is still reading? Firstly, I hope you are all finding ways to cope and thank you for this thread…
I’m definately ‘feeling lost’ and depression is a big factor in my life (previously fairly on a level due to meds and now very unsettled). But the thing I struggle with is, when I feel up to going anywhere, the feeling that I might bump into someone or ‘be seen’ and people will think I should be at work if I can go out. I also have the feeling that people expect me to be feeling OK between treatments. As I approach rads and hormones the spectre of never feeling well enough to return to work haunts me. As does the longer I’m off the harder it will be to return. I want to be able to feel fit and healthy so that I can give my best but that seems further and further away. I’ve just been signed off for another month which will take me to a week post rads and haven’t started hormones yet so may not to be fit by then. My boss has said he doesn’t care if it takes until September - just get fixed (lovely but doesn’t stop the guilt!). Then there’s the who’s covering my job worry which makes me want to get back ASAP. Gaah it’s a vicious circle.
Anyway thank you again for giving me space to get that off my chest! I would like to hear how other people have coped with the prospect of when to return/2 to work
Sorry for typo and unsigned pressed post too soon!
jak60 xx
Clair, remember that pact! I’ve beaten myself up for not working through treatment but BC, GP and colleagues clear, the unpredictability of my job and those I work with sometimes, would leave me vulnerable. It sounds like we all have strong work ethic. I’m now anxious about going back, having craved work for a while! X