Hello Fiona
Let’s see if this one works then!
Good for you having a long lie in! We had a bit of lie in too and now Dick is complaining about his back aching.He’s just gone to see the oesteopath-regular appointment. He suffered several motorbike accidents during his time in the police force which has left a weakness.
Was supposed to see my GP today to get first prescription for Tamoxifen but he hadn’t received report from hospital so I had to cancel. Not that I’m in a hurry to start on the stuff but if it will save my life I have no choice!
Have you got brothers or sisters around to support you? I have 4 sisters but they all live in Leicester (about 130 miles from here) but have been great about contacting and visiting me.
Off to raid the fridge for lunch-the old man (he’s 13 years older than me hehehe!) will be home soon.
Love Gill xxxx

Hey Gill

Well no luck in town for me - tried on 2 pairs of jeans/combats - one was too short and the other too long - and then I couldnt be bothered raking any more !! Went to see mum as where she is at is just a few minutes from town centre.

Cannot makeup my mind what to do tonight - friend has been on phone to coax me into going out t he road but I just cant be bothered - I think I have got myself in a rut now - and I know its not good spending so much time on my own - so really should give myself a good talking too and kick myself up the butt and go - I know I will be fine once there!!.

How many friends have you got c oming round tonight?

Hows your seroma by the way - mine is still there but not bigger so just leaving well alone.

I bet your glad to put off the tamoxifen for a while - in a way I am glad I dont need it, but in another way its a bit like an insurance policy for you (but obviously my tumour was not hormone receptive so dont need it)

I do have one brother but he does not talk to the family (long story which started when mum was seriously ill 11yrs ago or so), I wont bore you with details but no support from him - and I sure wouldnt want any now!! Also dont like to tell dad too much cos he has enough on his plate.

It is peeing down rain here now - and they are having a big street party with bands in the centre of town tonight - so looks llike it’ll be a bit of a washout - altho people will still go - not my idea of fun at all tho.

Getting a bit peckish so off to get something to eat too.

Have a great night (dont know if I will feel emotional or not??!!) - hows about you?

Take care and speak to you next year!


Jolly well hope you’ve gone out young lady! Don’t begin a new year on your own! Go out with those that love you! Go on-off you go!!!


I tried - I really really tried!!! Went and drove the 40 miles or so to my mates (dark and foggy), sat for about an hour and started to feel really yuck - sicky - so made the decision to drive all the way home again rather than ruin their night. By the time I got home I have a sicky headache so dont know if its a bit of a tension kind of migraine (occasionally get them) - with the dark and fog. I could have stayed there but they would have come in after having a drink, theres a couple of kids in the house so felt I’d be better off in my own bed.
Have drugged myself up and away to bed soon so wont be seeing the new year in with anyone - but with a bit of luck I will be fast asleep! Its only another day. Hopefully will feel better tomorrow and start the year as I mean to go on - feeling well!!

Hope you have had a good night and not too much of a hangover tomorrow.
I am away with the girls for someones 30th birthday to a health spa weekend of 10th Jan so will make up for it then and save the champers for then

Happy new year and good health to you and your family
Much love

Good Morning! well done for going out even if you did have to come back. How you feeling this morning? I couldn’t sleep at all and landed up in the spare room reading for most of the night! Also had far too much to drink so my brain was in overdrive!
Well I have to admit that I was hoping to feel full of enthusiasm for this new year but feel really low this morning.Just keep thinking that we all have to live with the fear of this b*stard disease coming back. Also dreading side effects of Tamoxifen but feel guilty that I should be grateful that it’s not worse. We’re supposed to be going over to see some of Dick’s mates this afternoon-sort of daft party games & a take away but really do not want to go!!! This will be the first time I’ve seen them since diagnosis and I don’t really know them that well so won’t feel relaxed. Also I will be watching them like a hawk as I know they’ll look at my chest! I know it’s only natural (unlike my right boob!!) and I’m sure I’d do the same but it’s embarrassing. Problem is they’ve all known each other for 30 years and I feel like the outsider! The women are all ‘housewives’-never had a career or anything-so I can’t quite relate to them or them to me. Plus they’re all a lot older than me-anyway stop moaning woman and get on with it!!
Enjoy your day-hope you’re not on your own for too long.
Much love and happiness and hugs being sent north of the border!!!
Gill xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Good Morning Gill

Sorry to hear your feeling a bit low. I do know what you mean tho. This disease does not just end here - altho we have to try to be positive it is difficult. I know my bc nurse is going to refer me for counselling in the new year so hopefully that can help me move forward a bit. But alsoo have referral to genetics to wait for etc and as I said before - think am going to get other boob removed anyway and get expanders and implants.

Anyway, I was in bed at 10 last night - and dragged myself out of bed at nearly 12 this morning!! Dont know if its a sign of everything catching up on me or slipping into depression!!

As for your afternoon Gill, I would say if you know you are not going to be comfortable then why go - if they have all known each other for 30 years just let them get on with it and have a nice relaxing afternoon yourself?? I havent decided whether to go out or have the whole day in my pj’s. Its a horrible day here so theres no real incentive to do anything.

Hope you enjoy your afternoon whatever you do - but do what your heart tells you to

You take care

Morning Fiona
Well I went to Dick’s mates and we actually had a good time. I was embarrassed taking my coat off as I just knew they would all look at my chest. Dick advised me to ‘take the bull by the horns’ and flash my coat open and say guess which one is false then? (As I have done with most of my friends & family). But I couldn’t do it and just looked at the floor so I couldn’t see them look at me!! How pathetic am I? We came home fairly early as I was in discomfort. The evenings are always my most uncomfortable time-just want to whip my bra off and breath again!!

Just been reading another thread about side effects of Tamoxifen which has REALLY depressed me.I know I should be grateful that I haven’t needed Chemo or Rads but the thought of 5 years of these awful side effects is scary!
I think you are sooooooooooo brave to choose to have your other boob removed! Is there a high risk of it spreading to the other one?

I know what you mean about slipping into depression. I cant sleep and feel so low at the moment. I’ve just booked a relaxation class at the hospital for 11.30 this morning-we have a Big C centre that offers a variety of services FOC! I’ll see if that helps. I don’t think it helps that everyone is ‘going back to normal duties’ here. Dick is back at work, Rachel is back at Uni & Sam goes back at the w/e.I’d love to get going on the decorating but haven’t got the energy and am so restricted with my arm still.I’m far too impatient and usually live my life like a tornado!!

What you up to today? Whatever it is I hope you enjoy it.
Love Gill xxx

Good morning Gill

Glad you ended up enjoying your day yesterday - is that your partying over now? I know what you mean about getting uncomfortable by evening - its the most wonderful feeling whipping the bra of istnt it?

Try not to dwell on the possible side effects of tamoxifen - you may be one of the lucky ones (easy for me to say I know).

If i am a gene carrier, apparently they would be strongly recommending I get a preventative mastectomy on the other side and my ovaries out - as there would be a high chance that I would get cancer again. If it turns out I am not a carrier - I suspect I will still get the other boob off and then get bilateral recon at the same time with expanders then implants - think it would look more even then and stop me worrying about getting it in the other breast. Whatever the decision - I am impatient like you and just want everything done quickly - but think I may have a bit of a wait for a genetics appointment - I just hate things hanging in the air.

I am waiting for my daughter to come back at 1 - we will go see mum in hossie, then up to the kids hossie as my friends girl is being admitted today. After that we will come home and have a dvd afternoon - she got the first 2 series of lost for xmas so we are working out way thro them - and we are planning curry for tea - yummy. The weather is awful again here - dont think its stopped raining vfor 24 hour now.

What you up to?

No doubt speak to you later
Have a good day

Just returned from relaxation class at the hospital (or as you wee bonny scottish lassies call it-hossie!!). the class was great-very relaxing and was able to chat with other girls in the same boat. Also booked a complementary session, a further relaxation session and a session on reconstruction. They have a great library there so borrowed some good books too.
Yes partying is over thank goodness. All decorations are down and my house is back to normal-well ish!
Not sure on the difference between all the reconstructions. I would like them to use all the fat from my tummy but if they did that I’d look like Dolly Parton!! LOL!
Must find something for tea toight-fridge full of things that need using up.
Am now off with coffee to catch up on some of the cr*p I recorded over xmas-all in the name of relaxation of course!
Enjoy your time with Suzy/Suzie?
Love Gill xxx

Hi Gill

Its Suzie - but it dont really matter - actually meant to be Suzanne. The first thing she said to me was ‘o my god - your hair is really growing in’ - so thats good if she noticed (last saw her on Sat)

I must visit our local centre and arrange relaxation again and have a look at their books. also gonna make an appointment with bc nurse to discuss things. The only thing about getting the implant recon first is at least they could fall back on tram flap or ld flap if it were to fail. But my bc nurse said the tissue expander and implants dont look good if its only one boob as it looks so different from other.

Had curry for tea a couple of hours ago but feel peckish again so think I will go raid the cupboard.

Hope youve enjoyed your rubbish tv


Didn’t sleep yet again-was up sorting out the washing at 3am! Then read til the alarm went off at 6.30 then fell asleep after Dick left for work! Woke up at 8.50. I really don’t want to start take pills to make me sleep. My mind is just som active at night-wish I could just switch it off.
It’s freezing here today-we’re expecting a huge dollop of snow so goodness knows what it must be like in Aberdeen! Easterly wind making it seem even colder. I shall stay inside all day. We’re meeting up with 2 of Dick’s kids this evening for a quick meal and then going to see St Trinians! Colin Firth in a wet white shirt and a bare bum!!! OMG! Have warned Dick that I may well leap on him as soon as we get home!!! He said, ‘In that case we’ll wallpaper the entire bedroom with photos of his bare bum’!!! LOL!
How are you this morning? Did you enjoy watching Lost with Suzie? Our schools went back today-when does she start back? It feels so strange knowing that all my staff are in school and I’m sitting around still in my comfies!
Better go for a shower and make an effort to put some slap on! Don’t know why I bother-not going out til later-but it makes me feel better.
BTW did you know that the Aberdeen Royal Infirmary run these Look Good…Feel Better days (ie beauticians and freebies?) It’s totally free!
Have a good day
Love Gill xxx

Good Afternoon Gill

I sure couldnt cope without sleep so have been on sleeping pills for months - I do worry about having to come off them again but I know I wouldnt have got thro this without sleep so will deal with that when the time comes.

It is cold here today with flurries of hail stones then BIG flakes of snow - its not lying yet tho but sure it will soon. Suzie is at her mates just now then we have the dentist at 4 and then shes begged me to watch more Lost!!

Colin Firth - now your talking my language - I think he is such a sexy man - but cant put my finger on why. Only downside - whenever I’ve seen him kissing in films etc - he doestnt look like a very good kisser!! - lol - dont know how I can tell but he just does not look very good at it. I really want to go see ‘ps I love you’ - dont know if you have read the book - a real chick read but it had me crying. Suzie doestnt fancy seeing that so might go in myself - mind you its never long till they come out on dvd.

Our schools dont go back till Monday.
Going away to phone bc nurse and make an appointment with her. And yes - I did know about the look good feel better days - had that after my second round of chemo or something - very enjoyable and loads of lovely freebies.

Enjoy your meal and film tonight
Take care


Just phoned my bc nurse and said I was presuming because I had not heard about radiotherapy they had decided I definately did not need it at the mdt meeting they had. She was not sure - apparently (she was not at meeting) - they had all been debating about it and its still a possibility. She now cannot speak to surgeon till tomorrow so will have to wait till then. If they do, do it, its purely as an insurance policy (bit like your tamoxifen). In some ways I think, well if its just insurance then maybe I could say no to it - but on the other hand I would never forgive myself if it did come back so guess thats that doubt answered!!

Only thing is, if I get radiotherapy I knkow they will not do recon for a year after - where I was kind of banking on it maybe after the summertime - getting the other one off and bilater recon at same time.

I just hate the uncertainty of it all - I like to know whats happening and when its happening - I like my life to be organised but unfortunately in this game that is just not possible!!! I just want to scream!!!

Thanks for reading

This is very easy for me to say but you just HAVE to go thro with rads if it’s recommended! You’d regret it if the cancer came back. It’s a really lousy way to find out tho’. If my BCN phoned to say I now need Chemo or something I’d be devastated to say the least. Better safe than sorry as my mum used to say (but I think she was referring to contraception in her own naive way!!!)
Also, re reconstruction-where does that leave you with optional mastectomy now? Will you still have to wait and have that done at same time as recon???

Now onto important issues such as the gorgeous Colin! I’ll volunteer to be first in line to find out whether or not he’s a good kisser. If there’s a snogging scene in the film tonight I shall get the giggles thinking about you!!
Funny but I nearly bought the book PS I love you at the w/e but thought it might be too sad. Didn’t realise it was out on film. Luckily Dick likes chick flicks (gosh, that a lot of ‘ick’ words!!!) so will come with me to watch soppy movies (and he usually cries more than me too!)

OK so go ahead and scream and lie on the floor and pummle the ground (better warn Suzie first!) and say every swear word you can think of-bet you’ll feel better! when I was first diagnosed and was in Tesco I had this sudden urge to grab the tannoy system and shout out every swear word I’d ever heard. just the thought of all those shocked faces was enough to make me laugh!! Have you read the 2 jokes recently put on this site? (One about divorce, the other the 10 commandments-made me laugh)
Off to pick up scrapped off wall paper-I made a start and am now knackered!
Love Gill xxxxxx

Hi again Gill

I KNOW i will do the radio if they say so - it does cross ones mind tho. My bc nurse is lovely and it wastnt her fault - she was waiting to phone me when she found out for sure - but it was me that phoned her and asked - as I said - I am impatient. I will have to discuss things with my bc nurse but if I have to get the other breast removed cos I’m a carrier of gene - or if I elect to take it off - I think I would leave it and get it all done at the same time.

I really would recommend the ps i love you book - it was funny as well as sad - nothing wrong with a good cry now and again. The film of course probably wont be as good as the book but will see it anyway.

Must go have a look at the jokes. Suzie in shower just now then its more lost (after she checks her e mail !!! - how important is she??)

Take it easy with that decorating now - dont want you over doing it.

speak to you tomorrow no doubt. The snow is lying here now brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr


Mmmmmmmmmmm…Colin Firth’s bum AND naked back AND in a WET, WHITE SHIRT!!! LOL (that stands for Lots Of Lust from now on!!)
Film was a laugh. Just nice to get out and join the real world from time to time.
When we bought this house in April, we pledged to remove the wall paper in hall, stairs and landing ASAP as it is cream and covered in navy blue leaves-UGH! We decided to do it over xmas before my dx and then obviously plans changed. this paper is stuck on with super glue but I daren’t use the stripper (steady on now girl, we’re no longer talking Colin here!!) cos it’s heavy and I’d worry about burning my arm with the steam.
Still no snow-boo hoo!
Love gill xx


You boo-hooing about no snow??? - easy seen you live south of the border.!! Got up this morning and its still snowing on and off - I just hate being cold.

Will have to venture out today tho and go and see mum - will also go visit the kids hospital as my friends little one is in just now folllowing surgery (she is in the ward I work in). My daughter is going back with her dad tonight so thats me on my tod again all weekend - if it keeps snowing it will be a dvd fest!!! - might rake out bridget jones just so I can see Colin - by the way did he kiss anyone last night??

Right off to have a long hot shower - mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm - Colin is waiting for me :wink:

What you up to today??

Yes, I love the snow and we’ve not had even a sprinkling here!
Hope your hossie (!) visits go well. It must be so distressing seeing your mum.
Go girl-watch Colin in BJ! The only person he kissed last night was Rupert Everett (in drag) and only cos it was forced on him so impossible to tell from that! Must watch BJ 1&2 to ascertain the kissing facts!
Hope he proved his worth in the shower-lucky girl!
Got my first lot of tamoxifen today-GP very sympathetic re not sleeping. offered more sleeping pills but thinks I’m strong enough to get through the emotional trauma bit without them. So I pop my 1st pill tonight at tea time.
Going to go for a walk this pm even tho it’s cold. Need fresh air & exercise and can’t stand the thought of any more paper stripping-unless Colin is up there without his shirt on of course! Send him south of the border when you’ve finished with him!!!
Love Gill xxxx


I’ll never be finished with him - bad kisser or not!!

Did all my visiting - mum on good form but she is just deteriorating in front of us really - still manages a cheeky wink and smile.

How do you feel about popping that first pill?

Spoke to my bc nurse today - she still does not know if I need rads or not - and I am not going to find out until at least the 25th when I have an appointment with the consultant radiologist. God i HATE things being so up in the air. She said the other bc nurses who were at the meeting cannot remember why they were humming and haaing about whether to give me rads or not, but the only reasons she and the surgeon can think of are 1 - my age, 2 - because I had a poorish response to the chemo and 3 because the pathologist strongly thinks I am a gene carrier - so if they do it , its a kind of insurance policy. I dont know how I feel about it all. I am probably still going to start rehabing back to work before then anyway and will just see what happens.

The snow has not laid here. Think I will go for a big long walk tomorrow as long as its dry and try and clear my head.

Also, they have not turned round and said because my mum still has c diff infection, the home she is spose to be going into may refuse her!! If they do, I will fight it tooth and nail - again this is a screaming event!!!

Anyway, enough of my moans

Hope you enjoyed your walk

Love Fiona

Just a quickie cos we’re now off to London to spend lots of pennies on sexy underwear!!
Hopefully I’ll bump into Colin and will let you know on my return the conclusion to our little uncertainty!!!
Have a fun day
Love Gill xxxxxxxxxxxxx