Hi I just wanted to cry and vent
I have been told i have breast cancer by my consultant and going for definitive diagnosis on Monday
He thinks it’s probably a recurrence of my tnbc which i had and was treated for 10 years ago. I will need a ct to check for spread ( euphamisically called a staging scan) and mastectomy
I am 69 and single with 4 adult children and 4 dear grandchildren
I haven’t told my kids as im waiting for my treatment plan first
I told one friend of my anxiety about mastectomy and spread and she told me i was too old for sex now so it doesn’t matter
She then became offended when I said it had upset me
Another friend told me that at least it wasn’t happening to my kids and be grateful that my family was healthy
These comments weren’t said cruelly, but hurt so much all the same
I am so upset and anxious and feeling nobody is really on my side, nobody to really hear me
My emotions are all over the place especially with Christmas coming and the thought of breaking the news to my family
Sue x
Oh you poor love!
People can be so unconsciously thoughtless! If things weren’t said maliciously, then you just have to accept that they really have no idea how you are feeling. 69 is definitely not too old for sex! And, in any case, it’s irrelevant. Yes, it’s great your family is healthy, but the point is you’re not, currently.
Having had breast cancer and a lumpectomy (2019) I empathise with the fear you’re feeling about treatment. I’m 66, sexy as ever, haha, but it was all very new for me to get my head around. One of the hardest things was telling my grown-up daughter. I felt I was stealing her peace for a while.
You will come through this, but it’s not an easy ride. Be with and listen to supportive people. Try to avoid those who don’t quite get it until you feel you can cope better with unhelpful or hurtful comments.
You’re in my prayers and on my heart, Sue123. Let us know how you fare. x
Same to me…I didn’t do a reconstruction after mastectomy, as i didn’t want to have more operations, and than may be rejections etc…just want to stay with my kid as much as i can. Not in the hospital to have a gummy breast! So at first i had an hard time, as even doctors and nurses was hard on my for not getting a reconstruction… But now I really don’t care anymore! Also the rude comments don’t matter anymore.
Also it is a difficult topic, so people don’t know how to react…they try to lighten up things, and may be do it in a wrong manner…but they may didn’t mean to be rude…
Also with time you will se who support you and who don’t. I selected a lot of people after my mbc diagnosis, and now I just stay with my most supportive friend and family…everybody else is out.
Best wishes for everything
Thank you so much alwaysachoice for your response
My feelings are all over the place particularly as this is second time around
It’s good to know there are people who ‘ get me’ and don’t judge or try to jolly me along
Take care and do stay in touch x
Oh my! I can only assume they’ve not had bc once, let alone twice.
As already said some people just don’t know what to say and come out with utter rubbish and don’t realise how they sound.
Hopefully given time they will see how upsetting their comments were, on top of the fact of your recurrence.
When I was first diagnosed in late summer and I was telling friends about it there was one particular lady who gave me the standard ‘I’m sorry to hear, hope everything goes well for you’. She texted me later and practically brought me to tears. She said she didn’t feel she responded appropriately for the situation, and was really sorry …
We do all understand what this diagnosis means, and it makes no difference how long our treatments are, or what stage we are. It is still a frightening time, but none of us are alone x
Sue123 
I’m sorry to read of your recurrence and I agree with what the others have said, friends who have never faced a breast cancer diagnosis or gone through treatments really do not have any understanding of just how deep you have to dig and focus and take it a step at a time, while trying to protect everyone around you from what your emotions are actually screaming on your inside but you know everyone here understands and hears YOU always 
Shi xx
Hi @Sue123
Yes I think many of us have been the victims of inappropriate infuriating or frankly bizarre comments . In your friends’ defence it can be very difficult to know how to react - people don’t know what to say . They get scared and they get embarrassed that they’re scared they don’t want to have an emotional wobble in case it upsets you , don’t really know what to say so say the wrong thing entirely . In the first case I would say possibly too shocked to have taken in everything you said. There also seems to be this perception that you must be positive / find something positive to say which personally I think is a crock of s*** and probably explains the comment about your kids. I think people also sometimes think it’s their duty to react and come back with something in these situations when actually they probably need to listen more and take their cue from the person who is confiding . Some people however , are not great at listening especially when they feel a bit blind sided themselves. Some people also frankly just can’t deal with it .
Everybody worries about telling their families and there will be some initial upset but often it isn’t as bad we fear. My advice would be to tell your children what you know as you already know that mastectomy will be part of it - give them time to try to get their heads around it before anything is done . As you mentioned Christmas is coming up and obviously I don’t know your plans but they should be aware that a rethink may be required and you may need support. See if you can tie your treatment team down to some times when they think things will be done / results will be available .
Maybe your BCN or the helpline here could help to address some of your anxieties about the surgery at least. I haven’t had mastectomy myself - I know I would be scared as well but some of the ladies on here feel that mastectomy was a better deal than lumpectomy.
You are now playing the waiting game which is always awful ( many posts and threads on here to attest to this ) and you have my sincere sympathy . There’s really nothing to do except take a day at a time , try to keep busy and do things you love , treat yourself ( and your family ) if you can . If you feel you need to talk and you are now worried you can’t talk to your friends then call the helpline and come back to us and let us know how you’re doing or if you just want to be heard.
With love
Joanne x
I am so sorry you are going through this Sue. It will be a very anxious time.
Unfortunately people can be so ignorant, but i suppose they didnt think before they spoke.
I am sending you a hug 
. I hope you can confide in your children sooner than later as you will need their support. I will be thinking of you 🩷🩷
Thank you Cherry for your kind words
Xx
Thank you Joanne for your reply and your care,
I have my appointment tomorrow with my consultant so will get my type of cancer confirmed. I am thinking it will probably be tnbc again
As my cancer has recurred in the same breast that I have already had a lumpectomy, mastectomy is my only real choice as tnbc is so aggressive
I have confided in my oldest son and plan to let the others know when I have a plan
Best wishes Sue
Thank you Shi, I have lurked on the site since my first diagnosis and have been impressed on your ongoing support and care for people with BC
Thank you for your kind words
Sue, x
Thank you isitreallyme for your thoughtful words
Best wishes Sue x
Thank you Amel for your lovely kind message
Best wishes Sue
Oh my dear what a horrid time you are having
Emotions are all over the place and will veer from anger to acceptance and back again on an almost daily basis and the waiting absolutely doesn’t help as we all know so try and do one lovely thing a day, even if its simply putting on a new lipstick or clean bed sheets
For those friends you told and got back such unsupportive comments you might tell them how hurt you were and why or you might just move on, either way this is about you, about your feelings and needing support and somewhere to vent and these people will pop up, sometimes in the most unexpected place
Take some time, write down all your questions and take someone with you to your appointments
Its going to be hard, but you are resilient and we’ve all got you as have your team
Good luck
Hugs xx
Hia Sue,
This is the first time that I have commented on any forum but reading your contribution and what others have said in response, encouraged me to write.
You said so much in your brief paragraph that resonated with me.
I have just completed my breast cancer treatment a few weeks ago and compared to so many women, have had a much easier time of it.
It’s strange then that its only since end of treatment that I have been feeling so low and depressed. I realise that this is normal and am having really supportive counselling from a Tenovus Counsellor.
I was already living with chronic fatigue and have been horrified that I feel even more exhausted at the moment, possibly the side effect of the Letrozole.
I believe it was your Christmas comment that got to me.
I live alone and have no children although close to my sisters and their families.
I am quite used to living alone and most of the time find it ok.
Stupidly, the Christmas nonsense, despite my best efforts, get to me!!
I genuinely wish you strength and grit and a heap of Welsh warm wishes on this grey, heavy pressing grey cloud morning.
Mair
x
Hi @user130
Just to say that what you are experiencing now is normal - it’s quite common to struggle when treatment is finished . We are all nervous wrecks I think when we are waiting for results and for treatment to start but when we are going through it by and large we manage ok - we have to. We live from treatment to appointment to treatment , don’t really look too far ahead don’t let ourselves get too emotional as we don’t have the energy to spare and it’s good to be getting rid . We have Doctors and BCNs easily available for support - and then it all stops and you need to work out how to pick yourself up again. Also you are adapting to the Letrozole - and if you continue to have problems with that please contact your BCN or Oncology team for support as there are options.
Try not to compare yourself to other people as it’s not helpful and you have still been through a lot and need time to come to terms with it all.
It’s good that you’re getting counselling to help you deal with everything.
What you said about being alone at Christmas resonated with me as I live some distance away from my family and although I have a partner now I lived alone for many years. I also didn’t mind that most of the time but my job requires me to work over Christmas sometimes so I would go home after a stressful shift to an empty house. Enduring the sympathy of colleagues who were going home to family was the worst - it made me feel lonely when otherwise I might have been relatively content chilling out on my own.
With love from snowy Yorkshire
Joanne. X
How about saying “I’m here for you”! Especially women who have had breast cancer (her2) at age 69.
Thanks Mair, wishing us both a peaceful Christmas and increasing good health in the new year xx
Thank you Sue for your kind words I just try and honour all the amazing beautiful people who touched my life with their kindness, compassion and understanding when they reached out to me when I went through treatments, my words are their words too as you know the threads share and maybe it’s just one word from a forum user that helps in any way that can give that chink of light, that lifeline, that hope together we are strong and amazing that’s Breast Cancer Now Shi xx
Friends can come up with the strangest comments, it would be better if they asked relevant questions…or even kept their mouths shut instead! Why would a breast cancer diagnosis stop us from wanting to enjoy life, sex, our body. It’s so important to support ourselves as we heal and we are the one best placed to know what we need and can only hope our friends respect that. Post surgeries and during chemo I’ve tried to find what feels good mostly through gentle yoga or walking in nature. It’s probably impatience and lists of possible complications that prompted me to have a mastectomy instead of alternative options. I was provided with a silicone prosthesis that is just right for me and allows me to enjoy feeling sexy in my clothes aged 62, but I also empathise with the preference for not going flat, and/or embellishing scars with a beautiful tattoo etc. Just as we speak there is a discussion about having one breast on BBC radio 4 Women’s hour…My thoughts are with you for the scan and treatment plan.