Getting frustrated with family and friends

Going through breast cancer treatment Chemotherapy
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Hi all,

I kind of just need to speak to someone and get it off my chest.

My family and some friends are driving me mad!! I’m a positive person most the time (we all have our days), I’m also very independent. I have two young kids and a very supportive husband who also can read me well.

Since starting chemo I’m really struggling more with how everyone is reacting around me and it’s starting to make me angry and upset.

Both sets of parents make me feel all the time that I shouldn’t be doing as much as I am. I’ve been doing the school run, taking the girls to clubs and going to friends small parties or had friends round to mine. In all of this I’m not drinking, not being near anyone that’s ill, I’m going because I feel good and I’m leaving when I want to leave.

This is all apart from chemo week where I realise I need to take it steady. The steroids really get in my head and make me feel low and anxious so I would rather block everyone out. But I have been open and honest about how I feel day to day because everyone asks.

But I find everyone is negative. And I can’t bear “how are you today?” I know I should be grateful I have lots of people who care but some friends I feel just do it because they think they should. Then ask again the next day not even registering what I said the day before.

I was meant to have chemo today, maybe I’m a bit emosh about it but I know this happens. Apparently I’m neutropenic so can’t have it. Which has come as a surprise because I’m feeling really good. So it’s frustrating it’s been delayed.

But since I told family and friends the “how are you today” have started again. I’m now coming into my 4th week since chemo. Nothing has changed since last week when I saw everyone, had friends here and was all good.

Why is everyone so negative when it’s not how I want to be. I got told “well the fact you are neurtopenic just shows that you need to start being careful”. Which I am, but I know this means… you shouldn’t be doing things like going anywhere.

Then I complained to my mum today that I wish everyone would stop being negative and she said “yes but you don’t tell people how you feel till after”. I’m trying my best to be open but sometimes don’t know my head is feeling fcuked up till I feel better again

Now chemo has moved on a week. It means my birthday falls 4 days after. Another family member told me they don’t think I should be having people round for my birthday…… surely that’s my decision based on how I feel :rage:. It’s only parents and 2 aunties I’ve asked round.

I kind of wish everyone would just leave me and my family unit alone but I know I’m lucky to have everyone. My husband is also feeling it… he thinks he’s being told off and he’s got angry with it too.

He’s suggested doing something next weekend with the kids and the first thing I thought is, is everyone going to be saying we shouldn’t do it.

Aaaaaarrrrgghhhhh!!

Thanks for reading if you got this far. I’m finding this journey mentally harder because of this rather than anything else.

I’m lucky this treatment is a preventative for me after having a lumpectomy and sentinel lymph nodes removed. I know so many have it so much worse. So I’m positive about it. I want to be happy and not let this affect my life and my children’s life. I want life to carry on as normal as it can, unless I feel I can’t. I think it should be my decision.

Rant over! :see_no_evil:

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I have found right from diagnosis that everyone says it’s ok to feel your feelings whatever they may be. However I soon realised that this didn’t apply if you were feeling positive because then people look at you like you’re in denial!
I think if you feel well enough to do the things you are doing then that’s brilliant. Keeping things as normal as possible for your kids and yourself is really important. You sound like you’re being sensible about it and resting when you feel you should do. It’s unfortunate you’re neutropenic but it’s just one of those things. Keep doing things your way and everyone else can just do one :joy:

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Thanks so much. You’ve hit the nail on the head. If you’re being positive then people think you’re in denial.

Someone said to me… “do you sometimes just think… shit I have cancer!” I said “no not really, I’m just getting on with it”. She said… well maybe it will hit you one day :melting_face:

Thanks for your response. Who know this would be what me and my husband have struggled with most. :see_no_evil:

Xx

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Oh the things that people say :woman_facepalming:. I was pretty positive from the outset because my tumour was small (9mm rising to 15mm with DCIS) and S1 G1. I found that people were keen to tell me about other people they had known who had died of BC, sometimes in the most graphic of ways. When people told me how I must be feeling (when generally I wasn’t) I used to privately duff up a pillow. Usually I’d just say that I didn’t consider my breast cancer to be the Big C as I had been given good odds to live cancer free if I went through the recommended treatment programme. I’m coming up to my third anniversary so people have stopped asking, thankfully.

People tend to project their own fear of cancer on to us without understanding what it’s like firsthand. I think you and your husband should continue living your lives in the way you see fit and respectfully close down any comment or opinion before it starts. God knows, positivity is hard to come by in this situation, having it questioned or stamped out is iniquitous, no matter how well-meaning. By all means come on here and download whenever you need to.

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I have similar and it drives me mad. I worked from home throughout chemo because I wanted to. I miss socialising so whenever I felt well I invited people round, went out for meals, did days out with the kids. People are either horrified or make out that I’m ‘so strong’. I’m not, I’m just getting on with life as best as I can. I remind people that my side effects (I know I’ve been lucky) are similar to morning sickness, and people expect pregnant people to get on with normal life.

Being able to maintain some normality for your children is an absolute blessing and I think you should keep going as you are, as long as you feel able. My oncology team are very supportive and say positivity and staying active are both hugely beneficial for the whole process.

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@Tigress @filibuster64

Thank you both for your replies. I’m so pleased this is actually quite normal and most people struggle with it too. It’s really helped me calm down.

I think actually writing it down and ranting helped me. I’ve realised that the people I always turn to and open up to are just maybe not the people to turn to when going through this because I feel judged.

Thanks for your support. I hope you are all doing ok on your journeys too! X

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I’ve finished my chemo and radiotherapy now but totally get where your coming from . I had to bite my tongue so many times when people said and did certain things, but as the weeks went on I just learnt to block out other people’s unhelpful comments and opinions and just smiled. Then me and my partner would laugh about it later between ourselves. It’s crazy how many people are cancer professionals all of a sudden.
I never wanted to fall out with anyone but some relations have come out a lot stronger and some haven’t.
Only you know if your well enough to do what you want to do and your nurse team.
Sounds like your doing amazing, just keep keeping on and block out the noise it’s easier said than done but protect your positive energy :+1::+1:

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Hi @hanb1

It’s an absolute pain isn’t it?

My mum was a nurse in the 50/60/70s and kept telling me when I said I felt ok/good however I was feeling with actual descriptions that: “You’ll soon feel bad, it’ll get awful.”
Thank god I lived 200 miles from her as I’d fallen out with her big style. I could slam the phone down when it really got to me.

My bff was a mare, telling me how I ought to or should have felt and what I should or should not be doing. She is a bossy boots at the best of times! Given she’d never even had an operation in her life, let alone a BC diagnosis, I told her that when she has a boob hacked off and was on her Xth cycle of chemo, then, and only then could she tell me how SHE feels but never tell me how I should feel or what I should do as everyone is different and how people behave and get on with things is very different too.

Can you be that blunt? If they bellyache about your reply/attitude blame it on how you feel - with top of the list being fed up with people’s dampening how well you are feeling and managing and wanting to get on with life, not be a do nothing Dora or a negative Nora that they seem to want you to be.

A politer reply, and I always said this (eventually): “All my chemo team are bothered about is how well I am. If being well means living a near normal life, then they are doing their job.”

I hope you enjoy your birthday.

Best wished
AnGELa x

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@hanb1 sorry you’re having to deal with this. I can so relate. So many people tell me how they think I feel and never actually listen. Or like you said ask the “how are you” but don’t listen either. I’ve ended up and had to drastically reduce how much I see certain people because I can’t deal with it. Makes me feel so angry and unheard.
We’re always here to listen, feel free to rant anytime🥰

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Hi hanb1 !

I hear you !!! And i totally do understand what you are saying… it is so damn hard and difficult- for both sides- to get the whole scenario right…
Im writing as a mum of a 28 year old daughter with breast cancer… right from the start she had this fabulous idea to create a family and friend whatsapp group chat space, ONLY for anything cancer related. So this is a space where she posts updates, news aso for all of us to know… we- family and friends also use this space to communicate with her… we can ask things, check up on stuff aso. The whole idea is, for our daughter NOT to have to repeat over and over again to everyone what is happening with her… but also she can chose, when to reply to things we would like to know or want to find out… she chooses when to reply to us… when she is in a good place to do so. this is the only space we all come together ( not at the same time) regarding her cancer… otherwise she is our daughter ( sister…granddaughter…niece… friend) so far it has worked fantastically for all of us… on friedays , when she has her weekly chemo session everyone writes to her special messages… we add video clips…photos… aso… it has become a wonderful and very personal ritual, as every one of us has his own personal connection, memories and ideas for her… it is a good place to come together but also respect her needs and what she needs/ wants at her pace… all these notes mean a lot to her… she loves reading them, before she sets off to her chemo sessions…
In one of her first meetings after her diagnosis she met this incredible cancer nurse who summed it up perfectly…
She did say to our daughter ** yes, you are R… and got cancer BUT you are also R… and you have to continue to live your life ! And if we - her family and friends- can help her, to achieve this in a way which is for her a good way… then it only can be a very positive and wonderful thing…

May it could help you too, to lay out the situation in a way YOU need it to be but still make it possibly for everyone to be involved… but simply to YOUR terms and in YOUR time…

Wishing you strength, power and inner peace to go along this insane challenging path… never give up hope… never stop to fight !

T

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I’ve hardly told anyone about my diagnosis, only my closest friends who support me.
I just don’t want people to struggle with what to say as I know it’s difficult.

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I have a friend demanding to visit at the weekend which is just feeling a bit much. (i live in a small, 1 bed flat in London) messages have been “I’m coming” etc. I don’t know what to do. X

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Oh dear! Is your friend travelling far? Expecting to stay with you? Expecting to be fed and watered? I guess you have a few options… say no, it isnt convenient, or no you need to protect your immunity, or no but suggest another future date, or yes but limit time and location of meeting to a quick lunch somewhere neutral. Perhaps others can suggest some more options. Wishing you well. Love Tulip x

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Really far & she means well - but the forceful way really doesn’t sit well with me. I’m feeling very forced upon despite saying no & making other suggestions multiple times. Xx

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Tell her you aren’t available this weekend and won’t be at home, so not to waste her time coming xx

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Trying it all, so let’s see - ironically I’m now worrying about peeing her off and I guess this is my point. X

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Yes, that’s tricky. How about suggesting another, alternative, less intrusive way of helping/ supporting you instead of a full on visit? That way you are acknowleging your friends wish to support you but limiting to what you really need or feel you can cope with. X

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Thank you, that’s a good idea. Xx