get my results on thursday–we are all convinced they are going to be good but still…

my husband was a bit insensative a few days ago but after a few heated words we cleared the air and started again next day.

today he bought me a cup of tea and was looking so proud of himself. “right” he said" i am still going up to see georg(grandson) on friday but have told penny that if it is not the news we want I will stay here with you. And i have cancelled my golf thursday morning so that you are not on your own. and i have rang my brothers up and will not go out with them thursday night as arranged and you and i can go out to celebrate or make plans"

ah bless him i thought, he is realy trying.

then he said.‘we are meeting up wednesday night’ fortunately he was pottering around and did not see look of disbelief. He just has not realised that i might want company the night before the results. he realy is not a bad man, he is trying hard to be supportive. But he just does not get it.

never mind i shall open a bottle of wine and shout at the apprentice.

i know i am expecting perfection. some people on here are on their own anyway and I am lucky to have his support, but grrrrrrr!!!

there I feel better now—rant over

hi oal, i think he sounds great bless him and no one can get it right all the time no doubt if my hubby was here he would do things wrong too, but oh how i wish he was here !!!you give him a big hug and bite your tongue lol, i hope all is good on thurs for you x

hi oal, he does sound nice and is obviously trying hard, isn’t he
i have found that my OH just doesn’t manage with subtlety - it goes straight over his head, so i spell out what i want and need him to do - he is very keen to get it right and if he’s not sure he just asks. that sounds patronising doesn’t it, but he knows i will ask about things i get wrong - and that there are plenty of them! i guess you could either spell out what you need from him or bite your tongue

i hope you feel a bit better, and that results are good - results days are just hideous,aren’t they
love, mon xx

Can I just step in and explain a little about us blokes? We generally do not get subtlelty. If you want company the night before, you probably need to tell him that. By and large we also *DO* appreciate being told what is expected.

We are simple creatures, and like clear instructions. ou are more likely to return home to a pile of irnong if you say “I’m off to work, would you mind getting the ironing done while I am out?” than by saying “I’m off to work, I’ll do pasta for tea then do that ironing while we watch the apprentice” for xample, as the latter makes us think that is what you want to do!


OaL - it has been noted that during the time of chemo men go up and down the ‘cock or rock’ scale, with the middle being a Crock. I’d say he was more Rock in this case but I would just tell him what you need. Say how lovely the rest is and then explain the weds night.

Paul - without sounding like a complete Harpey - do you really need to wait to be asked to do the ironing? And don’t ever make the mistake of thinking that cos someone says she’ll do it that she actually wants to, she probably doesn’t want to, its just there are no clothes left!

Heres some more grrrrrrrrrrrr for you lol

What IS it with you lot and your obsession with golf? Ironing? Not in my house, life’s too short! (And my son has nicked my iron so he can do his work shirts…) :smiley:

OAL, I agree, if you want OH to be with you on Wednesday evening, I think you should ask him directly. Bless 'em, their balls aren’t made of crystal…

Personally I’d be quite happy to get an evening’s peace on my own rather than having someone watching my every move to see if I’ve fallen to pieces or not, and have done pretty much all my results and appointments on my own, because that’s the way I wanted it and I was quite glad to not have to make polite conversation while I was actually trying very hard (and failing at it) not to climb the walls.

He does sound like a pretty rock-like sort of chap on the whole, once he’s been given clear messages from you, and I think your conversation the other evening was just what was needed, as demonstrated by the cup of tea and cancellation of assorted regular plans. He’s just being totally straight with you and telling you what he’s doing.

Do you think he could actually do with the evening out on Wednesday? You probably shook him a bit the other evening, and maybe he might need to have “a break” to charge his supporting batteries ready for Thursday? I think sometimes we forget that WE also have to support THEM through this, because it is without doubt very hard on the blokes in our lives to see their ladies going through it all and them not being able to DO anything. I know we see them being with us as “doing” something, but that’s not generally how a bloke would see being with us. I know this is a huge generalisation, but blokes would want to be able to ACTIVELY do something, whereas just being with us is a bit PASSIVE to be classed as “doing”. Does that make sense?

They’re really not the same as women and find us completely perplexing and frustrating creatures!

you are all right and the thing to do is bite my tongue and give him a hug. I cannot rain on his parade by pointing out the flaw in his plans when he was so pleased about it.

oh and no he does not need the night out. there is rarely a day in the week when he is not out playing golf or having lunch with old work collegues. we both lead quite active, mostly seperate lives, which is why its hard for him suddenly having two of us to think about.

your right, he is a rock, but it would be nice if his balls were crystal!!

On the subjects of irons, i bought one ten years ago and dont think ive ever used it lol. I put stuff in the tumble dryer and when its hot hang it on a hanger or buy stuff that doesnt need ironing lol.

ironing pffft! housework is often unnecessary and very dangerous. i have just broken my arm cleaning windows - that’ll teach me! i have had tricks for sharing or avoiding work for years. preached ‘life is too short’ and all that and now i’ve really let myself down LOL.
oal, love your comment about crystal balls i think thats what men need to read what we want from them. xxx

I got that particular gem from choccie muffin, she always makes me laugh

OMG CM I love your attitude :)) OAL my OH is a mad Golfer but he has been with me every step of the way where appointments & my Rads, it sounds like your OH is trying, they do blessum but sometimes say the wrong things at bad times … mine do.

You may feel even if it is bad news to still go you might not that depends on the relationship with your grandson. I didn’t particually want to go visiting but so pleased my eldest sister came to see me & she lives nearly 3 hours away she spent half the day with me week after I was diagnosed & although in her words (I was shockingly washed out & not me) she kept my mind off the cancer & up coming surgery

Thinking of you this Thursday do let us know how you get on
Mekala x

@staycalm - please note that I was merely using that as an illustration of how us blokes hear things.

If you think you are being subtle and dropping hints it can be counter productive.


Hi Paul

Can I just ask you a question? Being a bloke you may be able to enlighten me.

Why would a husband of 27 years go to work on the day of his wife’s BC operation, leaving her friend to take the day off work and take her into hospital. Then when he gets to work turn his phones off so that he can’t be contacted, and not phone the hospital at all for the whole day. It’s a good job there wasn’t an emergency because I’d put him down as my next of kin.

I won’t bore you with anymore details of his lack of support.

I just thought another man might have a idea.

Thanks in anticipation.


Jan, the only suggestions I can make are denial or fear. Either way it is head in sand. If no one can tell him anything bad, nothing bad can happen.

Me? By the time my wife was back on the ward the nurses were almost recognising my voice! I was at the hosptital about half an hour ahead of visiting time in the evening. At least with the date of her op (23rd Dec) I could blame early arrival on setting off early because of the risk of christmas shoppers.

If I found a colleague of mine had behaved like that I think he would find he was aware of my opinion on where he should be. He would also probably find I know more, er, interesting words than people think I know.


Hi Paul

Thanks for that. A couple of weeks ago I did ask him why he behaved as he did on that day and asked him to tell the truth. His exact words were ‘For years you are a less than perfect wife. A major disaster comes into your life and you expect me to be a perfect husband’.

I’ve often wondered what his work colleagues thought on that day and also when I was visiting the hospital for treatment and he just went to work as normal. His editor’s wife had been dx with BC 18 months before me and he told my husband just to take time off and not worry about anything.

Now I admit that I haven’t been a perfect wife, I do find perfection rather difficult but I have brought up his 2 children along with my own and treated them all the same. His kids were 7 and 10 when I married him.

I re-trained and got a better job when his business wasn’t doing well. I’ve never strayed and supported him particularly when he had a nervous breakdown in 2001.

There are loads of other instances, like when he decided that he’d go and spend the evening in a pub with an old girlfriend, leaving me sitting on the settee at home. That was 8 months after my dx. My objection didn’t change anything and he just carried on but behind my back.

Anyway it’s all beyond me. I’m just thankful that I have such great friends, one in particular is an absolute gem, and lovely kids.

Thanks Paul. It’s good to have a bloke’s view.

Your wife is lucky to have such a loving caring husband. I do hope she appreciates you.


jan, I just cannot beleive that is what your husband did. It has prompted me to go down and give my rock a big hug, he doesnt know why he got it but never minds getting a hug.

Mind you if I ever fancied a swap I think Big Bloke might fit the bill.

as to going to see grandson if its bad news— I am not invited along on these trips, he goes up by himself. We do not travel well together. I am normally much happier here by myself and going off to some pub to play with my band (i am a drummer) But at the moment I cannot play, so being here by myself knowing that the band will probably not wait if i need more treatment would be horrid if the news were not good. If all is fine then I am starting three limbed drumming this week,so i will spend all weekend up at the studio practicing, trying to get my fitness levels up for a gig in August. So him going off will be fine.


There’s loads more, some amazing things he’s done and said, but you’d be bored. Yes Big Bloke sounds a real nice guy.

As you can imagine we lead seperate lives altogether now. Any feeling there was just got killed off to be honest. It’s been difficult and very lonley at times but I’ve managed it and I’m still here. Older and wiser by far. Looking for a place to rent so I can get out of the way, bit not many places around here in my price bracket.

I’m an accordionist. I had a big Italian accordian before dx which was made especially for me to my spec. I loved it but found that after my op it was just too heavy. It was my left breast and under arm that was affected and it’s the left arm which does all the work when playing an accordian, pushing and pulling the bellows in and out.

Anyway I sold it to a brilliant accordianist so I know it’s being played well. He only came to try it out and fell in love with it and had to have it.

I now play a virtual accordian which is electronic. It isn’t quite the same but it’s much lighter and I get on with it OK.

I’m sure you’ll be fine with your drumming. I know what it’s like, it’s so much part of your life that not being able to do it is torture. You will do it though because you have to.

I do hope that it’s good news for you and you can get back to your music soon.

Keep well

Jan xx

Jan, sounds like I may have given him more credit that was due.

Perfect? none of us are. We tend to run along safe in our lives, often taking partners for granted. Everyone has ups and downs, and we have to get along with life.

For me, she is the love of my life, and no matter what treatment she had to endure, I would still love her to bits. That’s before we get onto vows made so long ago now. I hope she knows that (knowing and being told are not the same, especially when it comes to ladies and emotions) and that knowing that made treatment more tolerable.

I just couldn’t see myself not being there as needed. The only bit I wasn’t there for was every single radiotherapy session as that was every day for four weeks, but I still was there for the first few, and weekly doctor appointments.

By the way OaL - I play bass! hope you make the gig.

We also have two young bouys (8&4) so have had to try to keep things as close to normal as possible for them.


oh, jan, that guy of yours doesn’t deserve you. how could a grown person expect perfection from another human being - thats just silly and such a weird and inappropriate thing to say to you at such a time. it sounds like maybe he just can’t deal with it but is trying to switch the responsibility for his inadequacy on to you. it sounds like, no matter how difficult it gets, your life would be better without him in it. good luck to you xx
largerbloke, it is great to have a male perspective sometimes x
sounds like there’s a band forming here - i love music but all i can play is my ipod!
what sort of music are you all into