Hi Paul

You sound like a great bloke. Thanks for your observations. I’ve come to the conclusion that the man I married is a one off. Clearly he’s not your regular sort of guy!!!

What a talented lot we are. We should form the BCC Forum Band!!!

Thanks Paul


Hi daisyleaf

Yes I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ll be better off on my own. Last week I visited my brother in Lancashire and had such a good time just being with people who care. I certainly think that I don’t deserve the treatment I’ve had.

I’m into folk mainly but play classical piano and other stuff on my accordian like Sousa marches, some of my favourties. My V accordian has a Sousaphone sound on it so they sound great. I’ll have a go at anything really. I’ve been playing the piano since I was three and singing in choirs since I was 14. I like anything from really heavy sacred music to Lady GaGa!!! Just love Michael Buble he gets me through my ironing and housework on my ipod.

J xx

Hi Jan im sitting here with jaw drop at your posts I am so sorry that you are married to such a P**** :frowning:
using that as an excuse to NOT be there with you when you had surgery this BC is bad enough on our emotions & well being without having the OH acting like a total moron.

I hope & pray you get better get through the treatments get strong again & that your true soulmate comes along & you can be happy again, with someone that deserves you & treats you as you should be treated. OOOOOO Im so cross :S

Sorry but any OH that can act & behave like this when you are going through this needs to dam well grow a pair or ship out FAST. Its a dam good job you have good friends I hope they will be with you every step of the way

much love to you
Mekala x

Hi Mekalar

Thanks so much. Not sure about finding anyone else, it would be good just to be on my own and not have the constant feeling of being let down. I need to win the lottery,not a huge amount just enough to get me somewhere to live.

I went to the docs last week to ask if he could help me to get a council place to live. I told him the situation I’m in and when I told him what my husband had said about the perfect wife thing his jaw dropped too. I don’t think the poor man knew what to say.

I have the most amazing friends I’m so lucky. Without them I just don’t know what I would do.

Keep well
Jan xxx

hi jan, i think your friends might even find it easier to be supportive when you don’t live somewhere where there’s an atmosphere - which i guess there must be. i’m not underestimating how difficult moving out must be, though, especially now. its really crap that you’re in this position, i really hope you get sorted soon. is it worth seeing a solicitor - maybe you could ask him to leave, would that be a possibility
thinking of you

Hi daisyleaf,

He won’t leave, after all he is perfect!!!

I’ve seen a solicitor so I know what my rights are. Yes it is difficult to launch yourself into the unknown but I keep telling my self that it can’t be worse than this and probably much better. It’s finding a place I can afford which is the problem. I did retire but I’m back working, 1 day a week at present to give me a bit of extra money.

Anyway I seem to have hi-jacked someone else’s thread. It was an opportunity to get a man’s view on my situation when I saw a comment from Paul but I also got lots of support from you all too which makes me feel better. Thanks so much everyone.

Love to all
J xxx

Jan I don’t know you, but just want to say I think you deserve better. Also, if you don’t mind me saying, I think his excuse was simply a justification - not an apology. He doesn’t seem to realise that it’s one thing to be less than perfect, and another to be an absolute sh*t.

i think that just about covers it, lemongrove!

LG, couldn’t agree more.

LargerBloke, do you realise you now have yourself a fanclub, another member signing up here. Your approach is lovely, and I’m sure your wife is really glad of all the support you have given her, and continue to give her. Well done you, it’s tough on blokes. (Except a certain perfect person described above who looks like he couldn’t give a monkeys.)

Jan, good luck with finding a place. Macmillan may be able to help out with a financial grant to help towards a deposit, and they may be able to give you other advice regarding how to deal with your current situation. Best of luck. It’s tough, but sometimes staying put is tougher.


Do you know you lot are so brilliant on here. Thank you so much for your support. My heart feels lighter this morning because of it and I have my lovely grandson coming for lunch. He’s the light of my life, 2 years old and the most desirable male on the planet.

You’re right LG it is justification. Because he’s perfect someone has to take the rap when his life goes wrong and you can guess who’s to blame.

When I think of the wonderful speech I made when I came back from the hospital after hearing the dreaded news, all about how we would get through this together and support each other all the way. He wasn’t to worry because I was determined I was going to get through and come out the other side. How wrong I was on the support score but how right on the coming out the other side and so much stronger because I’ve had to do most of it on my own.

I didn’t think of Macmillan CM so thank you for that suggestion I’ll see if they can help. I’m going to the solicitors on Tuesday to sort the house out. If anything happens to me I don’t want him having anything of mine.

Thanks evertone for your good wishes.

I hope that you are all well today and the sun is shining outside which always makes you feel better.

Love to you all

J xxx

Hi I came on your story by accident, I can totally empathise with you about your OH, I have been on my own for 8 years after my OH left me for the younger model after 24years of marriage, during which I was in hosp for an ovary removal due to cysts and he didnt come to visit during the whole 5 days in hosp due to work, he was a policeman. I had sort of got used to his attitude over the years but since he left have realised that I am worth so much more. You are too! Your friends sound brilliant and you will be fine with them by your side. Take care. K x

Well said Lemongrove
Jan I wish you all the luck in the world for all the bad to turn face
LargerBloke CM is right you have a fan club :))

Mekala X

Jan, i was reading what was going on with you and thought i’d written some of it myself!!!

The difference with me is that I have been with my partner for 15 years. I don’t want to really give too much away because i know his family may come on here and guess who I am. At the start of our relationship he was a pig to me when i suffered from a horrid condition which steadily became worse over the years through the stress of it all. His friends said all he needed was to get married and settle down and have children. In my humble opinion I was not going to be the one to make that mistake. We never married so i’m entitled to nothing. We decided earlier this year to part but then things changed when I got the diagnosis.

He turned into a very caring person but i had been so used to him moaning at me for being too reliant on him that i wanted to be as independent as possible. I feel nothing for him now but asked if we could keep things as civil as possible until i was better. Halfway through radiotherapy, i’m knackered and yesterday because i couldn’t make it to his family party (i needed to sleep all day) he told me for the 3rd time in 6 months that he was fed up of my selfishness and to figure out which one of my friends will put me up when i finish radiotherapy in a couple of weeks. He does this to me all the time when i’m low.

I think some men bury their heads in the sand and believe if they carry on as normal nothing bad will happen and if it does it wont affect them.I remember when I was first diagnosed my insensative OH said well life carries on and proceeded to do just that. If I wanted any emotional care I had to ask whereas I thought he should be able to give it. Practically he looked after me well I had lovely friends and family who were there for me emotionally so it was ok.After a few months things did get better but it took alot of explaining on my part that it wasnt just physical pain I was going through. Have just had a LD flap reconstruction. Again physically he is caring for me but has just spent most of the weekend working on a car he is building. He has rightly said you cant expect me to sit there with you all the time.It would have been nice if he had particularly as I am still sore 12 days after the op. If he has any trauma and upset I have always been there. Am not sure if its just the way he is programmed. I said to him the other week “you always put yourself first” and he replied that he did and thought every body else considered themselves first. I have always considered others and usually have put them before myself.

years ago there was a book called ‘venus and mars’ perhaps they should hand it out to people along with othe BC information. (except largerbloke of course)

There’s obviously a gap in the market for a handbook for partners of those living with breast cancer! Maybe you could write it, largerbloke, with help from us ladies on the forum.

I’ve got a large bloke at home who’s worth his weight in gold. We had drifted apart, but cancer seems to be bringing us closer together again.

Hi Lilac thats a great idea, funny you say about the drifting apart me & my OH had I think over the years but this BC has brought us closer it sure makes you value others more :slight_smile:

Mekala x

Yes they should OAL :slight_smile: my heart goes out to those in difficult relationships it really does this BC carries enough C*** without the added stress & love is a great healer

Mekala x

I’ve remembered why I’m single! :slight_smile:

there is a big difference isn’t there between guys who mean well and just need guidance, and the utter sh*ts who don’t deserve any further notice. i think we all know that no ones perfect and where there’s a decent relationship you can work your way through it, but sometimes, its just the death knell to a poor relationship. Largerbloke, you are a great example of a good guy - although maybe all our men aren’t THAT enlightened, there is just no excuse for some of the people we’ve heard about on here.
good luck to those who are ready to move on xxx