You’re spot on, daisyleaf. A huge life crisis like BC makes you re-evaluate your relationships and decide whether they’re worth working on, imperfect as they are, or whether there’s nothing worth keeping and it’s time to move on.
Lilac x
Hi everyone
I think a book for partners would be a good idea. I appreciate that it must be very hard to watch someone you love having to cope with BC and all it brings with it. There seems to be a lack of information and support for partners.
However I think there are some people who are just incapable of empathy and compassion and in that case all the books in the world wouldn’t help. My husband would never read such a book he is too self obsessed and thinks he knows all he needs to know anyway.
I agree that Largerbloke sounds like he’s got the whole thing sorted. There used to be a bloke who used to post on here called Jansman (not this Jan unfortunately)and I think he probably knew more about BC, it’s treatments and the issues that come with it than half the doctors *(I think he did a blog too). Maybe LargerB bloke and Jansman could get together and write a book?
A little while ago someone on this forum wrote that with relationships you go on for years getting on with it and papering over the cracks. Then something comes along and the paper isn’t strong enough to hold and the whole thing just splits apart. That is so true. I became very good at papering over the cracks and putting the effort and support in to keep it all together but BC came along and I needed someone to put the effort and support in for me, and unfortunately that didn’t happen.
I feel so sorry for those on here having to cope on your own. BC is no picnic and without the support of the person who is supposed to be closest to you and in my case, and many of yours too, the man who took marriage vows which clearly meant nothing at all, it takes so much strength and determination.
One lesson I have learned is never to expect and I won’t be disappointed. It’s been hard but now I don’t expect anything. it works for me so that I can get on with my life. From time to time I have to call on a friend but very rarely now.
Love and strength to you all
Jan xx
I think a book for men is one of those things that sounds like a good idea. When was the last time you saw us check the instructions for anything?
I am flattered that you think I could do something like that, unfortunately I am not the best of writers!
I do remember Jansman - he does drop in occasionally. I found his blog very helpful.
Paul.
Bumping this cos it might help elizabeth tracey
Not read all through this thread (sorry), but I got a book off here called “In it together” - OH didn’t read it though!
(sorry largerbloke)
hello ladies , today ifeel the need to grrr men ! yesterday was a bad day , went up to the q .e to get marked up and dates of 17 sessions , my lovely 18 year old daughter came with me as O H cant possibly take day off work as only gets holiday pay , i know he has mortgage and bills ( we dont live together yet ) but surely i am worth a day off ? he came with me for results and surgery and thats been it , now its like the job is done and everything should return to normal ? but i dont feel normal , i feel c…p ! i am an emotional roller coaster and i suspect because of the tamoxifen i have this terrible anger inside me and have done for 2 days , his response last night to me asking him , pleading with him to read up on this and the effect it is having on me was -" u dont have cancer anymore , radiotherapy a precaution ", basically put up and shut up , do i have to beg for support - is that what i need to do because thats how i feel , i know how lucky i have been under the circumstances with small tumour and clear nodes and margins , i know that so much but does that mean i am not supposed to be on the emotional roller coaster ? should i have got off with 17 rads to come . wiped my hands and said job done without a backwards glance ? any advise welcolme please xx
Hi Trish
Maybe you need to sit down and explain the issues you are dealing with which come with BC. You still have a long way to go with your rads. It’s very tiring and you need to take each day as it comes.
Maybe if you can explain the psychological side too then he will understand why you need the support. I do hope so.
Best of luck
Love Jan xxx
bumped up for shazzy to read
@Trish - you may have had surgery/chemo/other treatments, but 17 shots of radio is daily trips to the hospital for three weeks. It will be tiring.
My wife did the chemo/surgery/radio ending in march and isn’t 100% yet.
P.
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thank you for your support guys, we went out for meal last night and had good heart to heart , he admitted hes almost scared to touch me because frightened of hurting me , i said that he needs to get his head out of the sand and recognise that i need emotional support , a hug or cuddle also goes a long way , we cleared the air without arguing so that was a bonus and today is another day , i have asked him to come with me for my last rads - feel that i shouldnt have to ask but hey ho , i dont think for one minute he has done any of this to hurt me , i know he loves me very much , i just think a bit of denial was going on and being a mans man it is just his way ,maybe i should read men are from mars lol cus you would think at the age of 48 i would have some inkling of the way some men think xxx
Well done, trish, and Mr trish too (bless 'im!)
An adage to think about if the OH is being a bit dense about what support we need:
THEIR BALLS AREN’T MADE OF CRYSTAL.
Blokes tend to be simple, straightforward creatures who take things as they find them, so if you want them to do something, tell 'em straight! They don’t generally go in for the sort of hyper-analysis that we women sometimes do (particularly in times of stress, like during BC!) so it could be a bit unfair of us to expect them to guess when we need extra hugs and cuddles, or to be accompanied to appointments, or even to do more of the housework than they usually do.
So ladies, TELL your men what you want/need, rather than being disappointed when they don’t guess. If they THEN refuse to do it, you KNOW they’re doing it on purpose!
Agree CM - am getting on much better with OH now that I’m being more direct - and interestingly enough had a Reiki session earlier this week and she noted that my “voice” area had much more energy flowing - so maybe I’m finally (after nearly 22 years of marriage) am learning about men!!
CM is right. Us blokes are normally simple. If there is anything specific you ever want us to do is ask/tell us.
It would indeed be nice if we could tell you needed a hug as you walk in the door, or you’d rather we keep out of your way while you just get in and unpack the shopping. The latter is probably easier to manage without being too direct by directly asking us to do something else - walk in and announce you need a brew, could we put the kettle on?
Paul.
Ha ha Larger Bloke… it’s true.
My OH years ago said to me “I don’t get hints or beating around the bush or subtlety, You just have to tell me what it is you want”
SO rather than saying “I feel thirsty” say “stick the kettle on”.
or “can you to hoover up” rather than “The carpet looks minging…”
And yes, he’s come through the door some days and I’ve said “Oh come and give me a big hug I’ve been miserable all day”
I think this may be the secret to a relatively harmonious time, since I learnt this little gem about being very direct.
Problem is these days I don’t always get the subtley of women now!!! Ha ha ha. Whoops.
But yes, say what you want, they don’t always get the hint, not wired the same way, perhaps sexist but true, its so much easier in a mans world! I envy them.
and to think I spent years SIMMERING with unvoiced anger in previous relationships about how they ignored my hints to do things - probably washed over their heads 
Now I’m a right demanding wench - ha ha ha.
Another couple of differences to watch for.
The first is that we tend to think there is a point in talking. If you are saying something, you are passing us information. You want us to have that information for a reason. We don’t “get” just having a chat over a cuppa.
By and large we are problem solvers.
Now put those two together and think about what goes through or heads when you come home and grumble about something that hapenned at work.
Yup - you want us to help fix the problem. I know what you probably want is someone to nod and say really and agree what a cad your boss is. We actually think you are looking for help on either getting out of that job, or getting even with whoever annoyed you, so we start thinking…
.
I am new to this community and my wife has stage 4 grade 2 breast cancer dignosed in February we are both 41.
It is difficult sometimes to be a husband i feel so useless helpless that I can’t take this f thing away from her but I do my best - not all ‘husbands’ find it easy to cope with the situation and we can only imagine what our other half’s are going through but on the whole we do our best and on occasion get it wrong. Also different generations cope in differnt ways. I hope I haven’t offended anyone and maybe i haven’t put my feelings into the right words - but there we go.
Hi Wellmeant
I’m sorry if you OHs are having a hard time because of this thread. The vast majority, I appreciate, are loving caring people who are doing their utmost to try and help with the awful BC situation.
No one gets it right all the time. It’s largely the partners who deal with all the emotional and psychological stuff as well as the endless hospital appointments and day to day jobs which have to be done, at the same time having problems themselves.
You have my respect and admiration for that, yours is not an easy job and it must be like walking a tightrope at times.
You haven’t offended anyone. Please continue to post on here, you will find so much support and there seem to be more blokes posting now which is good.
I wish you and your wife well. Your support is so important to her.
J x