Hello, I’m a month or so into this rollercoaster ride and I’ve just told immediate family. I don’t want the whole world to know when I know so little about what the future looks like. Has anyone felt/ done the same? I guess I’m used to seeing announcements on social media etc. by brave ladies diagnosed with BC but I just want to do the opposite and hide until I’m through the worse. Anyone feel the same? xx
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I told no one, except my husband, who was at the appointments, and my 3 adult children until I had the biopsy and CT results and had met with the surgeon who laid out the treatment plan. Then I told my brother and sister and a group of close friends who I meet for coffee/meals every week or two. I think you just need to do what feels right for you. No one has a right to know.
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Hi @coastal1 thank you for sharing how you’re feeling.
As @pat says, everyone is different and it’s important to do what feels right for you.
Who you tell and how you tell them is a very personal decision. You may still be coming to terms with your diagnosis yourself. You might be worried about how and when to tell people, and that they will ask questions you can’t answer. But, being open about your cancer can help you cope and also make it easier for people to support you.
The forum and our breast care nurses are also always here to support you. We have some more information on our website about telling people that you may find useful: Telling family and friends about your breast cancer | Breast Cancer Now
Sending our warmest,
Lucy
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Hi @coastal1 I felt like that at first completely and only told close family and a few close friends. Then gradually I told people as I needed to, to explain my absence from things. Some people didn’t know for ages, after my two ops. Now I don’t really mind people knowing. I think you need time to process it yourself first and not feel obliged to tell all. I certainly didn’t advertise it on facebook, but it’s whatever you’re comfortable with. 
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I only told the people I felt needed to know at the time as I knew I would need their support. Then once I was through all the treatment and out the other side I mentioned it more widely to my circle of family and friends. At the time I was still trying to come to terms with what was happening and getting through it and felt I couldn’t cope with too many people knowing, contacting me and sympathising. As others have said you have to do what feels right for you. I hope it all works out for you, take care.
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I have told very few people but my mother (who lives five hours away) has told every person she knows and every distant relative which I have found quite annoying (I didn’t even tell her, got my husband to).
Now I have people I haven’t spoken to in 20 years messaging me, sending their numbers asking if I want to chat which I find just weird, like, we haven’t been in touch for 20 years, why are you coming into my life now!
Anyway, rant over…double mastectomy on Thursday so I’m venting while I wait!xx
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Hi @coastal1
I only told family at first once I had mri and ct and new with what I was dealing with , gradually told close friends some had strange reactions whether they didn’t know what to say , when I had mastectomy only told close friends and family , I think you will know when you feel comfortable talking about it , found it easier talking to other people in same situation when in hospital good luck you will be fine when you get your own head around it Xx
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@lynnc123 - my mother did this too - I was so annoyed as I had deliberately kept it to just a few people knowing and suddenly I had distant cousins messaging me. Particularly frustrating as she had breast cancer herself a couple of years ago and told no one. I did tell her how upset I was and she apologised but the damage was done x
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Oh my, this is exactly my situation- awful isn’t it, and my mum also had BC years ago too.
My husband has just now spoken to her (after she said she had also told my ex husband, his children and family!!! and old neighbours from my childhood-I’m 53 today, and all these people who were sending cards). He told her I don’t want sympathy cards and fake well wishes from people who are not in my life.
Like yours, she’s apologetic but too late.
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@lynnc123 - honestly, I was so annoyed. I was already dealing with a difficult diagnosis and then had endless texts from relatives I hadn’t seen in years. The final straw was when she said ‘the whole village sends their regards and is thinking of you’ - not the village where I live (no one knows) but her village! It means I’ve kept my distance from her for the last few months because I don’t feel she has my best interests at heart. Sorry you’re having to deal with this too - it adds unnecessary stress to an already difficult situation x
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I think you’ve done the right thing - I told a couple of people from work I was going for second screening ( because usually talking about stuff makes me less anxious ) not only did that not work but when I was told that it was most probably cancer I wasn’t able to go back to work because I couldn’t face them asking how it went and I hid for a few days and only talked to or met certain people. After that I told people a few at a time , family first and my immediate manager at work because I was off sick. I work in a smallish team within a large dept. and my team protected/ respected me and didn’t gossip about it to the the larger team. On the hand that meant that if I bumped I to a colleague I hadn’t seen for a while I had to explain it to them . One option might be to pick someone sensible to tell a few other people and also to tell them what you DON’T want them to do . I don’t have a social media profile except for WhatsApp so didn’t have that to deal with that .People can have all sorts of reactions to the news - sometimes they get so upset you end up reassuring them saying it’s fine and you’re ok when you aren’t which is surreal . One of my friends told me to think positive which made the red mist descend . This idea that you have to be positive all the time really makes me mad and I think it’s a largely artificial concept because when people ask you how you are quite often you don’t tell them because you don’t want to talk about it / deal with their emotions when you’re barely managing your own / have to field inappropriate comments etc. It’s easier to just say that you’re fine and in my case " I’m lucky " because mine was low grade early stage 1 - though I didn’t feel lucky . If you put it out there then you have to deal with all sorts of reactions. You feel however you feel about it - this is your experience nobody else’s and however you feel and choose to handle it is not wrong .
It’s your right to handle it any way you want I would just advise not hiding it from people / avoiding people who will know you well enough to sense there’s something wrong as this could cause misunderstandings .
With love and best wishes for your treatment and restored health afterwards. Xx
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Yes, just my husband.
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Anything you want to do or not do is normal. For me I told people I knew and associated with in person but never made an announcement on social media. Never will either. Just not my thing.
Hi Coastal1,
I hope you are ok?
I went to my scan appointment on my own thinking everything will be just fine, little did I know that my world was going to change there and then. I was told from the scan they were certain it was a cancer but would wait for the biopsy to confirm the results. I shared the news with my husband that evening as we were due to go on a family holiday 2 days later and I wanted him to know that I was feeling anxious and worried. I got the results confirming the cancer on return from my holiday. I am quite a private person. I chose not to share with my 3 adult children and 1 who was 14 at the time until I got all the results from my scans and biopsy results. I told 3 of my close friends, one of whom had had BC 2 years previously. She was my go to person who advised me on what questions I should be asking at my appointments. I chose only to share with a few family members that were close to me ,sister, sister in law and at work I only told my manager not my colleagues. It’s a personal choice for everyone. I found it hard to talk about and telling people made it all real. I guess I was in denial alot.
It’s only now nearly 2 years on to the day that I feel comfortable sharing my experience. I have told my close circle of friends as I felt ready to share. I am yet to share with family members.
You have to do what feels right for you.
X
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I only told my husband and boss at first as i hadn’t wanted to spoil the kids’ christmas. After the holiday period we told our kids and family and close friends. 8 months down the line, I’ll tell anyone who asks! I think this is because a lot of people have asked why I’m always at hospital or why I have been out and about less. Also I had 3 surgeries so we needed help with the kids. Just tell people when or if you need to. You might not even need to if you dont work or if you don’t need a masectomy or chemo. But bide your time. I think I would certainly tell family and friends as they would be sad if they felt they hadn’t been able to help you through it. Good luck xxx
I told work and immediate family. I told Noone else sneaked to chemo spent 10 nights in hospital. I told one uncle after all treatment and my oldest friend who moved away found out - still don’t know the source when I finished treatment. I was just too emotional to discuss it and too proud to have everyone giving me sympathy and checking out for a wig etc . It was the best thing for me
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Hi, I’ve told few people - close female relatives as I want them to be aware of their risks, my adult children and a couple of friends. You need to do what’s right for you - that’s different for everyone. If in doubt, I would not tell people - you can’t untell them after, and there are already a couple of people on my very short list that I wish I hadn’t told!
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I think you do what feels right for you. Noones business. I kept it to myself for around 6 weeks before telling family because i didnt want to worry them with half a story. I waited until i knew what treatment plan looked like before telling them
I then made a facebook annoucment around 2/3 months after diagnosis, when id had a few rounds of EC & my hair had fallen out. I was just so embarrassed bumping i to people wearing a wig so felt i wanted to get it out there without any awkwardness in person.
Perfectly valid not to want anyone to know just now. You may feel like this throughout your whole journey or it may change. What wver you feel & want is completely up to you.
Do what feels right x
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Hi
It is totally up to you who you choose to tell. I only told my family and a few very close friends all the way through treatment, and only tell people now when it comes up or someone i know is diagnosed.
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I was diagnosed in 2021 and didn’t tell my parents a whole year later…as they are old and live abroad…I was putting on my brave face and wig every time when video calling them. It took its toll and to tbh if someone asks me what do I want to change about my diagnosis this the one thing I will do all over again…my husband and my teenage children knew and also my sister and brother in law. But not my nephew or also my parents in law…it was really hard for me to hide it but also it was going to be even harder to tell them and deal with the aftermath…
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