Just wondered if anyone has any advice for me please. I have had mastectomy surgery 3 weeks ago with lymph nodes removed also and expander fitted at the same time i am due to start chemo in 2 weeks and feeling very unsupported. My partner of 3 years has never been one to help out alot he has lived with me and my two daughters for 2 years now. Anyway cut a long story short my kids have had a bit of a rough time in the past and when i got with my partner i thought it would be a fresh start. Things where not brill between us and kids didnt really get on with him 3 mths before dx. they did do to start with and im not sure what changed ???. My partner helped out for the first ten days after surgery and the house was very peaceful but after that period all hell has broke lose. My daughters think hes idol as he stopped helping out and lying in bed unless he had something to get up for. My youngest told me she hates him and carnt understand why hes not looking after her mom there doesnt seem to be a day go past where there isnt a disagreement in the house.its drving me mad as im struggling enough with whats happening let alone being the ref between everyone. I am really worried that when chemo starts its not going to have improved i understand that emotions are running high but not sure if im strong enought to keep putting everything right. My kids have even said that its obvious my partner doesnt love me as hes only came to two appointments with me and very rarely hugs or cuddles me. Has anyone else been in this situation while dealing with bcxx
Alleycat, so sorry to read this its bad enough having cancer and all the emotions without having to deal with everything else. Do you have a FORCE or McMillan centre near you they have councillors who you can go and chat things through with. They also have a coffee centre that you can escape to and just get some quiet time. I do hope things work out for you and although this isnt a great help it will bump the post up and someone else may be able to answer you.
hi alleycat… poor you your energy should be spent on getting through this how old are your children?to me it seems they just want you looked after and you will need this through chemo as you say emotions run high in times of worry,i am widowed and just know if hubby was here he would be so caring.i can see your kids point think your partnercould do bit more [but i dont live with you] think maybe sit together and air all the problems and feelings he may be coping [or not] in his own way my kids are 23,20,and 17 i still do almost eveything[thats just how i cope] and they love each other dearly but my god they can argue and i just cant deal with it.i hope you get this sorted someone may be in same boat and be more helpful take care stay focused and be kind to yourself x
thanks i tried the family sit down and discuss route thought things where solved but obviously not. My kids are 13 and 11 not little babies but still my babies none the less xxx my youngest keeps asking why carnt we just have a normal life past experience caused alot of upset for me and my children which they currently have counselling for so 6 months ago we kinda got ourselves back on our feet and then bc came knocking.i know teenagers can be difficult and they do tend to listen and do the majority of things i ask of them they have inundated me with love reassurance and cuddles which is how i have brought them up they are very much loved and always know that xx but when times are tough i just need someone to support me too there are things i dont want to burden my kids ears with and it would be nice to have a little support from my boyfriend too im just concerned that this family is about to crumble and bc has made it worse x
oh and just to note im still doing everthing i can its just some things i still carnt do like hoover put bins out make the beds as my arm still tight from op. I have to have something to do otherwise i feel useless !!! xx its just id like the occasional lie in id like to have dinner cooked for me once in a while nothing seems to get done unless i ask for it to be done x
Alleycat, that’s a really tough one and I think the only person who can answer the “what to do?” question is going to be you. How old are your daughters? Their responses may be coloured by their ages, as teenagers can be particularly stroppy with mum’s new partner.
But there are some questions you can ask yourself to help you get to the bigger question.
Coming to appointments: my other half has only been to one appointment so far, but was there after both my surgeries (WLE and re-excision, not mastectomy), and I stayed at his house rather than my own for a couple of days afterwards both times. But that suited me, and I didn’t want him to come along to the appointments. If he didn’t go with you, was that because you didn’t want him to or because he didn’t want to?
Hugs: My OH is just not a huggy sort of person. More important is my certainty that he does care very deeply for me. Is it just that your OH doesn’t demonstrate his feelings readily?
Stuff around the house: are you the only person who ever does stuff? Do your girls help out sometimes? If not could it be that they think HE should be doing everything but THEY shouldn’t need to make any extra efforts? Or are they pulling their weight and he’s just not bothering and expecting THEM to wait on him because you’re not up for doing so?
The tone of your post gives some hints on how things are, but I could be reading it wrong.
It’s crap to have this disease taking over you life, but relationships are difficult things and don’t just sit on the back burner while we deal with other stuff.
hi choccimuffin regarding appointments he didnt want to and i would never force him to either one of the most important appointments was the results after mx which i asked if he would come but he had college that morning. He has also used my bc to get days off when hes got up late etc…the kids are responsible for their own rooms they clean the bathroom once a week and was up 4 days a week as well as sorting and putting their own washing away. My oh seems emotionally detached from me as well as my kids and spends alot of time on the computer we dont seem to go anywhere together or do anything as a couple anymore even when in the house theres limited conversation. im not sure if its just a personality clash mainly between my one daughter and my oh they are constantly at each others throats my daughter even went to school crying today as she was annoyed my oh was not up to help out with seeing them off to school.
and thinking about it im not sure if these problems have always been there but since i was dx with bc they do seem to have got worse as i am normally miss fix it or its just that they have become more noticable xx im sorry for moaning but its doing my head in as being to new to bc im not sure if this is a normal response from oh as it feels like hes more distant than ever xx
If things do fall apart in your relationship with your man, you won’t be the first person to have it happen at this time. There are quite a few other ladies on here whose relationships had paper over the cracks and BC just stripped away the paper. On the other hand, there are others who have found that shaky relationships have got much stronger.
However, the effort does have to come from both sides, and only you will know whether that’s the case or not for you.
It sounds to me like your kids are really close to you and feel protective of you - a credit to you, from your description. The ONLY important thing for them is their mum, so it certainly seems like their complaints are based on how he’s treating you rather than how he’s treating them.
i agree and the most important thing to me is my kids and if im not ok then it rubs off on them also. I decided to see how the first chemo goes and make my judgement from that i have point blank told him that i carnt be the one to fix everything all the time it takes input from both sides whenever the family disscussion times come up it nearly always ends up with oh complaining about how little time he has and that he should be able to do whatever he wants hes an adult etc… I encourage him to have nights out with his mates as it gives him time to vent things that maybe he dont want to say to me ive found a counsellor for him incase he needs it. Hopefully things will work out ok but if he carnt be there for me in the bad days that he doesnt deserve my good days xxx thanks for all the advice rant over i feel alot better
Have just found this thread and it’s “rung a bell”. 9 months on from my diagnosis of secondary bc and now into second round of chemo and my husband has “got the message”. I think I tried to carry on “as normal” as possible for his and my son’s sake and that was ok but it took a real effort on my part; my son has now gone to Uni so I feel less pressure to “be normal” and my husband is finally understanding my low energy etc and being much more supportive - it is sooo hard on them too and it does seem to take a while for some of them to respond positively; I think he just wanted the illness to “go away” by being in denial. So hope others of you find way through - we do end up, seemingly, trying to support “eveyone” in some cases…but must be realistic bout what we can do and what’s best for our health
Fran
fran i agree i have spent most my life supporting everyone from my mom when she lost my dad my brother when he lost his mind my partner when hes lost his grandparents in the same year as im the eldest of three some of my family think im still able to cope with everything and deal with everything when some days i just want a bit of peace and quiet. Ive been the backbone for the last ten years think im gonna have to take a back seat for while. xx
Alleycat, it’s definitely time for other people to help you. If people offer to help, even if it sounds a bit half-hearted, don’t say ‘It’s ok, I can manage,’ say ‘Yes, please’. It’s not selfish, it’s just being able to come out at the other end and return to your normal strong self, rather than being a wreck for goodness knows how long.
It’s a sad comment that illness and crises bring out the best in some, but others don’t react well. Any chance of setting up a more extensive rota including OH, so you don’t feel you are having to ask for special favours all the time? Perhaps put as ‘~Which days can you do supper?’ or something like that.
Alleycat, please read back what you wrote. OH says “that he should be able to do whatever he wants hes an adult etc…” If what he wants to do is eat, wear clean clothes and live in a nice home, then these things don’t happen by magic and as “an adult” he should know that. You will need a lot of rest, especially when you start chemo. OK, so he’s studying but a lot of OHs are working full time and still make dinner, do all the washing and see to a lot of other things.
Sorry if this comes across as harsh; but I wanted you to read what you’d written as I’m sure if someone else said their partner was like that, you’d be horrified.
Hi alleycat
sorry you are having a hard time I expected my husband to help but forgot to ask once he knew and had specific things to do was a lot better. It is hard when you do the looking after. I look after my mum and have had to say that i can no longer do everything for her when I am struggling with looking after me.
best of luck getting things sorted
Louise
Hi alleycat,
Sorry if this sounds a bit blunt but your OH sounds like he needs a good kick up the b*m! You need help now - why isn’t he up seeing the kids off to school - why isn’t he able to do the hoovering, why can’t he give you a cuddle and breakfast in bed? If the tables were reversed you’d do that for him I’m sure. Your kids sound pritty good considering their ages and they will get you through this believe me, they are just worried about their Mum. Like Happy cat says a list of specific thngs for your OH to do might help, men seemed to need it spelled out to them, or how about a chores rota - or will that just lead to more rows? Good luck and look after yourself, there is always support on here if you are feeling low
cheers
Caroline
i was really annoyed on yoyr behalf when i read this thread, what a selfish -rse. It may be that your oh is struggling with your dx and withdrawing and ignoring whats going on as his coping mechanism, or it may be that he just expects to be looked after and is annoyed that he has been landed will an ill partner and her two kids and is not happy that his little life has been shaken up. Who knows? But at this stage i think ypu have to think practically. Make contingency plans and sort out your own support network as chemo is looming. Let people outside know that you do need help. If people ask how you are, tell them the truth. Accept help from whereever it us offered. School, family, friends, schoolfriends parents, neighbours. If you can afford it get a cleaner. Ask your oh what he thinks he can do and ask him to pay for a cleaner if he cant help out, for whatever reason. Set up on line grocery shopping now. Do not be dependant on your oh, set up sustems for support for you and your girls and then if he does actually help, its a bonus. Sounds like your girls have gone into ‘protect mum at all costs’ mode, you must have done a good job raising them. Good luck, look after you and your girls.
So your BC is a good enough excuse when he gets up late but not a good enough reason for missing college to accompany you, his partner (not housekeeper or mother) to an important appointment. I’m sorry but I agree with a couple of other posts above - he needs a good size 10 boot up his nether regions. Your girls come across as really helpful but mostly loving and really concerned about their mum. Kids pick up more than we sometimes give them credit for and they clearly don’t believe that he cares for or supports you as much as he should. From what I’m learning, recovering from surgery is the easy bit - it’s the subsequent treatments where you’re really going to need support & you shouldn’t HAVE to ask for help.
Hi alleycat,
I have sat and cried at your post thread! Because it brings so many memories flooding back to me, my partner of the same time spend together 3 ½ years lived with me for 2 ½ years and my children at the time was 14 and 17 was just the same he showed me no emotion no support and actually told me I was not supporting him enough he snapped at me and the kids for months and even said my normal teenage daughter was a horrible child. So 4 weeks after surgery lumpectomy and was due to start radiotherapy day after my birthday 4th Oct 10, I was feeling really low scared lonely sad all the fear of BC and no support from him, I asked him what was wrong with him he told me “He wanted to spend more time with his friends going out and the travel to work from my house was too much for him any more” so I faced the fear again! Like I did with BC and asked him to sort his self out to which he packed his stuff and moved out!!! I haven’t heard any more from him since, but now I do know he didn’t love me to help and support me, but I certainly do know my children love me as they had no choice but face the fear of BC as a family! Now 3 months down the line I will be honest my life is very stable again yes we I have the fear of not knowing if BC will return but I do know my kids are still and always will be here to love and support me. Ask your partner what he thinks and hopefully it will be to support you. Good Luck!
Libravet xx
