Hi everyone. Please bear with me as this is my first post.
My mother was diagnosed with secondary breast cancer which had spread to her bones at xmas 2009. She has undergone chemo and radio along with numerous different drugs and pain relief. She is 61 years old.
Unfortunately she was told by her consultant last week that there was no more treatment available to her now as the cancer had progressed too much. They asked her if she had everything sorted, which she has. She has decided to go into the local community hospital when need be. Her pain is getting worse each day and she is very tired and feeling dizzy.
I just feel so sad and upset and feel like no one will even tell me how long they predict she has left of her life. I have been very luck in the past as I have never lost anyone close to me.
I am sorry for rambling but if anyone out there has been through this I would appreciate some help and advice.
I think they are all very wary of giving a prognosis as it can vary so much from person to person. When my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer I pushed for a time frame and got nothing. However I later found out that a consultant had written a letter saying she had about six weeks left - this was to do with funding for palliative care, and the six weeks was relevant to that, but even so they didn’t tell me about the letter, and when I found out, two weeks into the six weeks, I was so upset. As it turned out, the six week prediction was pretty much spot on.
All you can do is look after her as much as possible, spend time with her, help out, so you have no regrets later that you put off doing things till it was too late, assuming that she had more time.
Hello Jo,
I am so sorry to read your post, as Roadrunner says, your mother is so young and this disease can be very cruel. Roadrunner is also correct in saying that it is something they can’t predict - in my role as a minister I, from time to time, support people who are nearing the ‘end of this life’ and it is sometimes a shock even to to the medical professionals just how the path works out for various people. It’s probably no help, but I firmly believe that your mother won’t be taken from you until you are able to cope, and that when she does leave you, it will as a release from her suffering. Try to spend time with her, without exhausting yourself, try to share some happy memories and maybe make a few more. Be true to yourself and be kind to yourself too.
Because it’s my ‘thing’ I’m praying for you right now. I quite understand if you don’t or can’t go along with that, in which case, try to think of it as good vibes coming your way, along with a cyber hug.
You are, I am sure, a wonderful daughter, of whom your mother is rightly proud.
hello
I just wanted to add my good wishes - I think Revcat put things beautifully.
All I can add is that I was with my mum when she died and I know for sure she is alright now.
You might feel helpless at this point, but there is so much you can do for your mum to help her to feel OK about leaving you.
As others have said, 61 is far too young
I’ll be thinking of you all
monica xx
Tell me they’ve tried Cyberknife…? Hope so, because it can offer better results than many other radiotherapies.
Other than that, just adding my own thoughts and prayers for you all…
Ann x
I spoke to the Macmillian nurse yesterday who has told me that because her platelets are so low she may even suffer internal bleeding. Does anyone have any knowledge of this ?
She will probably be having another blood transfusion on friday too. She has them about every 2-3 weeks now.
It is just so hard to come to terms with - the not knowing what is going to happen - and when. I just pray she slips away in her sleep and is pain free when the time comes.
I spoke to a friend yesterday who told me that it would not be far away - but its so hard for people that are not medically minded to understand and I don’t get very much feedback from Oncology. I feel there should be more support for the family as well as my mother.
Once again, sorry for rambling on but feel that this is a good place to connect with others in the same boat so we can help each other.
Jo I’m so very sorry to read about your Mum. I’m 57 years old and was also diagnosed with bone mets around the same time as your Mum. Thankfully, mine have not progressed yet, but I’m aware that at some point in the future I might be in a similar position to your mum, so maybe I can comment from a closer range ( I hope you don’t take offence at my presumption).
Firstly, I would ask if you understand the implications of what your Mums Oncologist told you? I hope you don’t take offence at this question, it’s just that when you say that your Oncologist is not providing enough feedback, it suggests you might not appreciate that her main care will now have passed to a Palliative Care Team. The reason her care is now palliative is that her Oncologist has decided that there is no further treatment that would extend life. Sadly, that means that a Palliative Care Team will take responsibility for her end of life care. So really feedback should be coming from her Palliative Care Team.
Secondly, while I can understand that you want to know how much time she has left so that you can make the most of it, with respect I think it is not the best question. I think if you focus on the time left, things might become fraught, and your Mum might pick up on that, and feel scared. The best question (I believe), is how can you, or your family make whatever time she has left the best that it can be (and that includes addressing her feelings, and your own in an honest way).
Like the Rev, I will be praying for you all.
Jo, I would add that palliative care teams are usually amazing people who are very comfortable (if that’s the right word) at helping people face death - their own or that of a loved one. There’s an old evening prayer that says something like ‘Lord, grant us a quiet night and a peaceful end’, I feel that the palliative care people will do their best to help answer that prayer for your mum.
I don’t know where in the UK you are, but many places do have support services and networks for families (e.g. Maggies centres in Scotland and some parts of England)also some hospices have good family support. If you can face talking to a religious person, your local hospital chaplainancy should be able to help - for any faith or none.
Take care, and keep on posting as and when you need to.
Hello Jo,
My thoughts are with your Mum,you and your family.Hopefullyyou have a McMillan Nurse who should be able to support you as wells as your Mum through this most difficult time. They should be able to advise you how to get the answers to your questions.
Its a few weeks since I posted on here so thought I would give you a quick update on my mothers condition.
She has now been taken off all treatment as nothing was working. She did however have a blast of radiotherapy on friday toease the pain in her hips / pelvis area.
It was her 62nd birthday on 1st Sept.
The doctor popped in to see her at home yesterday as she is extreamly breathless. He is organising for her to have oxygen at home. She has been on antibiotics for some time for her chest but the doctor has now told her that it is more likely to be cancer on her lungs now.
She has a lump on her brow and her cheek is very swollen. Her mouth is down on one side. She has been very tearful and saying that it is not how she expected it to be.
It is so cruel to see my mother like this. Its an awful thing to say but I hope it doesn’t drag on too long as it is horrible for her to be so ill.
Hello Jo,
so sorry to hear that you Mum is suffering so much at the moment. It is not at all awful to say you hope that she will soon be freed from her suffering, it shows that you are bravely preparing to say goodbye when the time comes.
Try as best you can to hold on to the good memories, be gentle with yourself as you balance caring for your Mum with your own needs. I hope for both your sakes she does not linger in pain or suffering and that when the moment comes she is at peace.
I have just read your very sad post and I just wanted to say I am thinking of you.
I also hope you have lots of support around you - 62 is just too young and you are so right that this is a very cruel disease.
I can only agree with all that RevCat has said - take care of yourself too.
Wishing you both peace and comfort.
Hi Jo, i’m so very sorry to hear about your mum. It must be heartbreaking for u to see her suffer like this so it’s not awful at all for u to not want her to have to suffer for too long. It’s so sad, this is such a cruel disease. Your mum has a lovely, caring daughter in you & i’m sure she knows just how much she’s loved,thinking of u x