Has anyone else had your partner tell you they’re no longer attracted to you, and want an entirely non-intimate marriage/ relationship going forward? Has your relationship survived on love and affection only? Could you get past the awful feelings of hurt and rejection?
My husband just told me after 5 years being uni-boob and 2 fully flat. I hate that he waited so long. I feel…humiliated. Hurt. Rejected. Depressed. He just wants everything to be okay, tries to hold my hand, hug, etc. to show he still lives me, but that’s not where I am right now. I struggle to say so because I hate causing others hurt, and I’m chronically ill and sick with chest infection right now and don’t have the energy for the probable arguments/ bad feeling.
Please tell me if you’ve found a road map through something like this.
I don’t have any advice because I am literally at square one in this God awful cancer journey.
I must admit, I do worry that my husband will feel that way after my surgery and treatment. I’ve expressed that fear to him and he swears it won’t change how he sees me. But, I worry nonetheless.
Would you and your husband consider couples therapy? xx
Sheraldo, I’m so sorry you’re going through the whole cancer thing. I wish you a swift treatment and recovery.
Thank you for taking the time to answer. I hadn’t thought of couples counselling. I suppose it’s an option. It just makes me feel so tired.
I guess I need to rest and collect together all my options and feelings for when I’m feeling better. He told me Sunday. I’ve been heartbroken, I’ve been numb, and today I just feel broken.
I’m sorry that you’re experiencing this - my problem isn’t the same but does bear some similarity .My partner has been understanding about my BC ( only had a WLE ) but I have sleep apnoea and since I’ve started using CPAP 4 and a half years ago he won’t sleep in the same bed with me unless on holiday . It’s not just how I look wearing it he’s afraid of the reasons why I need the machine. I hate that I need this machine - nobody looks attractive when wearing it. I’ve been told that losing weight although it would help my general health won’t cure this and neither will surgery . I had retinal vein occlusions possibly caused by sleep apnoea and I need it . I haven’t found a solution yet but we are surviving on love and affection . We may be older than you though and I really feel for you . I’m wondering if seeing you flat chested is a source of fear for him as my CPAP is for my partner and he’s not able to admit that . Xx
Thank you for responding. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through something similar, but I do appreciate your reassurance that you can keep going on love and affection. I think it’s just too soon to know if I want to.
I don’t think it’s fear on my husbands part. He just really liked my boobs and doesn’t fancy me without them. I know it’s not as rare as you’d think, from being on bc forums for five years. I don’t really get it. Like my friend says, for me it’s the person, not the body. But we’re all different, I guess.
A marriage can easily survive without sex. In saying that though I don’t know how easily it survives when one partner no longer finds the other partner attractive. I am so sorry this has happened to you because we are after all more than our breasts. Although at the same time your partner cannot help his feelings either. I echo the need for therapy and probably sexual therapy. Maybe there’s a way to help him see you differently or substitute the love of some other body part for your breasts. Or maybe there’s a certain style of clothing he would like. There are probably plenty of things that can be done in a therapeutic setting if you both stlll want to be committed to your partnership. I know it seems like work though and none of us like to work at this crap when we’ve gone through the trauma we have. That took enough work for a lifetime.
Oh @cosy, what absolute hell that must be. I’ve thankfully never been through that myself, so I’ve got no practical wisdom to offer - just a big virtual hug and a shoulder to cry (or slobber) on
Can I play Devil’s Advocate for a second? He’s not trotting this out as an excuse for anything else, is he?
And that reply about the “certain style of clothing he would like"… nope. Forget that for a game of soldiers. It’s the 21st century - we don’t dress to please men. Bedroom privileges are one thing, but there’s a whole lot of bridge-building required before that’s even on the table.
You don’t deserve to be made to feel small or second-guess yourself. Be gentle with yourself - this isn’t on you
I hope you are feeling better - there are some nasty bugs going around (7 week ear infection, 3 lots of antibiotics anyone?) and have the strength to ask why now and how do we fix it?
Marriages are tricky at best! There are lots of reasons why people are no longer attracted to their spouse, and quite often losing one’s breasts are just a side issue.
Marriages are tricky at 6-7 years, 13 years, 20 years. It is possible that your marriage is hitting a tricky time anyway. The question is whether you can come through it as a couple. Some men are emotionally incompetent, and depend on their wives to be the strong one.
But it is unfortunate that it comes when you are not feeling strong, and not in a good place to deal with it.
I wish you love and hugs and support, and hope you can deal with it.
You could jokingly tell your husband that if he doesn’t fancy you, then you had better find someone who does!
I hadn’t heard of it so have done a bit of research . I’m in UK and as I’ve been compliant with CPAP and stable I doubt I’d get it on the NHS . I don’t have the right insurance so I’d have to pay and I’ve a few misgivings about having a device implanted but thank you for the information - I’ll keep an eye out for future developments . Xx
I have been there. And there is a road out. I found it by letting go of all my unrealistic expectations for support and understanding from anyone. My spouse is unable to provide support, in fact his involvement made things worse. Here’s the deal, when I was younger I had a friend that was going through a hard time and I could not support her because of my own issues. That could be what’s going on with your husband or maybe he is just a creep. It does not matter. If you let your expectations of him go you will feel better. You have done the hard part- asking for help. That’s the first step on the path. Keep looking, persevere. Perhaps a friend or relative can listen and not judge. There is a service called ‘someone like me’ here in this forum-check it out. It’s your feet- your path. Find out what brings you comfort and joy and give that to yourself each day. Today my husband is in his room playing solitaire so I will go in and give him a hug and kiss, that will shock him. Then I will head down to my studio in town and make a piece of art so weird and wonderful that it will make the local folks heads explode when they see it in my window. And you know, someday soon someone will stop and see it and come in and tell me that it is just what they have been waiting for. You will meet others on the path. One step at a time. Sending love wind and ((((hug)))). 🩷
Thank you for responding. We did try the alternative body part. I’ve tried various things. Apparently nothing else really does it.
I don’t think I have the will or energy for lots of therapy, honestly. But I have fully entered the “ick” zone myself at the moment. Perhaps if it passes.
I’ve been through similar. Been a uniboober for 10 years now. I had my mastectomy age 53 as I was going through menopause and struggling with vaginal atrophy. This also coincided with husband (a bit younger) having prostate issues. We’ve been celibate (but still affectionate) ever since.
He did say that, for a while after my surgery I smelled different! There are times I miss a proper sex life. Sometimes we discuss trying for more intimacy but I don’t think either of us is that bothered. As someone else has says any marriage will have ups and downs. People change and there has to be give and take. We’ve been together over 30 years. I mourn for my (young!) pre-cancer body but it is what it is. Give yourself time and care. Of course you’re devastated, but you can find a path through it.
Hi @cosy. I’m so sorry that you are go through this.
I’m just on the two months post surgery and radiotherapy stage. But what I wanted to say is that my husband’s late wife had mastectomies and reconstruction and he didn’t want to continue a sexual relationship as he didn’t want to harm her and felt it would hurt his wife. They still had an exceptionally loving relationship so don’t give up hope and talk to your husband about it.
First of all, wait till you are feeling better and can cope. Then ask yourself if you love him enough to put up with this situation. It is an awful hassle to break up a relationship, even an unsatisfactory one.
Then find other things to do in your life that will give you joy - singing in a choir, playing ukulele, training a dog, learning to ride - something social where nobody has their own agenda and won’t demand too much from you.
If you need sex, it can get pretty complicated, so think it through before you do anything rash, and don’t get drunk with a guy you fancy!
