Can anyone explain the workings of the mind?? d-in-law had breast cancer, 2 small children - on surface coped very well with treatment and Mast. but underneath many problems. Mental breakdown before Christmas left family to stay with Mother - returned three months later - at which point were informed we were part of her problems - as we see it not perfect, had spent a lot of time caring for children etc. so they could have time together - i.e. in USA for 10 days in June… now told she is leaving him and taking children out of family home to rented accommodation for six months. Husband was wonderful caring for her and two little children - trying to run a business, waiting on her hand and foot over past three years and now this. Whilst realising what she went through is unimaginable to us, why blame another person for their problems, and why bite all the hands that help you?? So much devastation for our son and also for ourselves, plus will she ever be normal again??
Hi
Sorry to hear of your daughter-in-law and sons problem. l was the main help when my friend went through bc 10 years ago, l was with her every step of the way, l thought l understood what she was going through, but now l am going through it myself, l can honestly say l never understood how she felt!
This bc is a very lonely, frightening road, l have a lot of family and friends support, but l feel very lonely and frightened. I think we all need to come to terms with our bc in our own way, some people can be positive and strong, although l think mainly everyone is very frightened.
For me, l don’t think l will ever come to terms with it, just one of those things l hope to live with, but the constant fear that it will return, is a horrendous thought.
When l meet people l am forever being told how well l look and how amazing l am coping, while inside my tears don’t stop.
You say she ‘coped very well with treatment and Mast’ sorry l find this very hard to accept, because all the other signs you mention, say she hasn’t coped.
Obviously you know your daughter-in-law, but is she blaming others for her problems? is she biting the hand that helps her?
Is she not a very frightened lady, feeling so insecure as to what has happened to her. She sounds to me as though she is running scared. Not knowing what way to turn, or perhaps the breast cancer has made her realise the marriage is not for her.
Doesn’t matter how much your son does for her, if the love between them has gone, then nothing can bring that back.
Chemotheraphy, is horrendous, l assume she had this? it takes almost a year out of your life, and l would have thought this alone could take a year or two to get over.
As for will she ever be normal again? my answer would be NO! l would love to be proved wrong, but l am sure l will never feel normal again!
You also say you have been informed ‘we were part of her problems’ So perhaps there is a lot more going on than you have mentioned. I am very sorry for your son and the two small children. I am sure you are all doing your very best. But sometimes no matter how much or what you do, it isn’t enough. I just hope she and your son work this out, if that is what they want.
l can only say, be as supportive as you can to your son and daughter-in-law and of course the grandchildren.
You say she had a mental breakdown before christmas? that is only 7 months, not really that long, considering what has happened. perhaps she needs more time, Has she had counselling? Has your son or you had counselling to help ‘understand’ how she is feeling?
I wish you and your family all the very best with trying to help your daughter in law.
Coping with young children, while coping with bc or the fall out from it! must be so very hard. l am sure you are giving her all the support with looking after the grandchildren.
Good Luck to you all
Sandra x
Sandra - I can’t agree more with your comments. Well said. Nobody who has not been through this nightmare can know what we go through or feel.
It makes you realise that we should put things in perspective. People say with what you have been through I bet you live life for today - I wish I could but it is not possible and people don’t let you.
Liz
sandra, i think you wrote an excellent response. You are able to write from both the point of view of somebody who has had a breast cancer diagnosis and as a mature mum and mother-in-law with two grown up married sons, daughter in laws and grandchildren.
I have struggled with how to respond to this post as it both upset and annoyed me. I am sorry to be blunt chief wren, but you have come on here to get advice from ladies who are suffering what your daughter in law has gone through. Unless you are merely seeking validation of your own views of your daughter in laws unsatisfactory behaviour, then i must take it that you are genuinley asking for advice from ladies in our position to enable you to best support your whole family, including your daughter in law. On that basis, i will tell it you straight.
I am 36. I am married with 2 very young boys. My husband runs his own business and is very busy. I was diagnosed with breast cancer out of the blue in march, have had an operation, am having chemotherapy and will be having radiotherapy and 5 years of tamoxifen. I would be appalled to be talked about in the negative, dismissive way you have described your daughter in law.
Being told you have cancer is truly horrific. It takes away your sense of yourself. As a young mother of young children, the terror in thinking that you will not be there for them to bring them up is too hard to describe. You are scared for them, you don’t understand it, you feel you have let everybody down, including your family and especially your children, as who deserves a mum who can get ill like this and might not be around for them? You live in terror, real practical terror as suddenly this is a potential reality, that you will die and leave them, they will shout for you in the night and you will not be there, they will have no mum to draw mothers day cards for at school or to sort out their birthday parties or make their special teas and let their friends come to play.
You try as hard as you can to protect them from this by pretending things are alright, but you can’t because suddenly there is a huge question mark over your head about if you will live to see them grow up.
You also have to endure truly horrific treatment to try and ensure you are there for everybody and for yourself. Have you had a mastectomy, or chemotherapy? How would you like to have the worst flu you have ever had , and then get it 5 more times, every 3 weeks, one after the other after the other? And its so much harder than flu. And thats after you’ve just had an operation thats knocked you to the floor physically and emotionally, and in your daughter in laws case having just had your breast taken off. Then radiation follows perhaps, then you are possibly given hormone treatment for 5 years which continues the feeling of early menopause you got thrown into with the chemo. If you dont get the hormone treatment, its because you have a kind of breast cancer where they havent yet found anything that will help you keep it from coming back. Great, you are pretty damned either way.
Then after the worst time of your life you have to assimilate whats happened to you and try and settle into some kind of new ordinary life whist terrified it will come back either as a new lump or that it has already spread and will come back and get you.
And get used to your body having been battered and looking different to how you did, and suffering physical problems perhaps.
It is a truly horrific horrific thing to deal with. Whilst you are doing all that, you don’t need someone letting you know they think your husband has been wonderful because he has looked after his own children and wife during this time, when to be fair that is his duty anyway, and you are too busy just keeping breathing in and out. You don’t need your mother inlaw setting you up as the villain of the piece, telling people that you have been run round after hand and foot. You need support. You need love, you need kindness, you need empathy,not someone who makes you feel guilty for looking after your children when you have been unable to because you are fighting for your life. All mums want to look after their children themselves, it is heartbreaking watching others do it when you so want to do it yourself.
Your post comes across as very bitter towards your daughter in law. This lady has been through an awful lot. I don’t know her or you, but i do know all too well the feelings she would have suffered and the anguish she is so obviously still going through. I urge you to deal with your own issues and then to support your whole family, including your daughter in law, rather than be divisive at this very difficult time.
Dear Chiefwren,
I am so sorry to hear of the impact that breast cancer has had on your family and how it has left you feeling towards your daughter in law. I had a comparatively smooth journey through the bc treatment, and I considered myself a very strong and confident person before this, but even I have suffered what I can only describe as a form of post traumatic stress syndrome.
Thankfully, my children are older and my husband has a thick skin so we are still a team, but we have all made major changes to our lives as a result of this experience. My husband is now taking a risk and building a business of his own so that he can contribute more to the household so that I can work less and I have just resigned from my job as I can no longer cope with it.
As the others have said, your daughter in law has been through an experience that you cannot truly understand unless you’ve been there yourself and she is clearly nowhere near coping with it. I hope you can all get some counselling to get to some kind of equilibrium going forward and help your whole family. In the meantime, there is an excellent article written by a cancer counsellor that might help you to understand a bit about how your daughter in law is feeling and why she is acting like this.
cancercounselling.org.uk/northsouth/extra4.nsf/WebResHarvey?OpenView&ExpandAll&Count=500
Good luck and don’t give up on her.
E xx
My wife has breast cancer. It is indeed my duty to look after the children regardless of my wife’s health.
I have the added complication that prior to this she was dealing with post natal depression and has been on anti-depressants for nearly three years.
She is a full time mum, so much of her self image is based around the boys and myself. While I want to do everything I can to help her, I have to be careful about doing too much, as by doing that I am telling her she is not doing her job. I have to be careful about making a song and dance about what I am doing for exactly the same reason.
On the surface she is coping fabulously. I know she has has some worries in the days after a chemo cycle, but really I do not know what she is going through and how she is coping.
I also have no idea how she will be when she comes out the other side of this. Dealing with cancer can make you take stock of your life - what you want of it, where you want to be and with whom.
Chiefwren , I do hope you have taken onboard everything that Sandra and especially Tors has said .
This is no picnic .
Not only that , but it´s not going to be a picnic for the next 5 years ,because thats at least as long as most treatments last .
I´m now on the hormone side of treatment and believe me , if your D-i.L , feels like I do today then she feels dreadful . Of course , everyone things "you´re over it " Had the treatment , all over now , lets get back to normal .
Life cannot be normal for at least the next 5 years , and during that time , every little ache or pain will worry her , a pimple or bite on the breast , “is it another lump .”
When Sandra talks about fear she´s telling the truth , will any of us ever get ovre being afraid , and your dil is a young woman like Tors with two young children . I wonder how many times she´s cried herself to sleep at night .
Like Sandra , I am a mother-in-law and grandmother . I adore my married son , but I know he´s no angel , like his father,he finds it hard to cope with illness and my dil would need an awful lot of support if anything bad were to happen to her , and I sincerely hope that I would give it , I think I could say hand on heart that I would .
The poor girl has gone through all this and a breakdown . Maybe it´s made her rethink her life , ( it makes you do that you know , especially around 3am when you cannot sleep .)
Perhaps your son is´nt as supportive as you imagine .Of course you love him , he´s your son , but don´t wear rose tinted glasses . They´ve all got faults .
Or perhaps they have just fallen out of love and she believes that the best thing for her and her children , your grandchildren is a clean break .
I doubt very much that she´s doing this on a whim , and I hope she has support in whatever she decides to do from her family and friends .
If you want to continue to be an important part of your grandchildren´s life I suggest you cease running her down , be there for them both , without taking sides and help as much as you can .
I hope these posts will make you ttink that perhaps you´ve been a bit unjust and unkind .
I wish you and your family all the best , especially your daughter in law in her fight to health .
Kris
Chief Wren, I think you may be guilty of what some people on this forum were, and what I was really guilty of, was not understanding anything about breast cancer before I was diagnosed. Before I was diagnosed I thought breast cancer was a lump, you had it taken away, had some treatment and it went away, how wrong I was. I didn’t know how many types of breast cancer there was, how large a grade it was, is it hormone positive, were there any lymph nodes involved, it is not just breast cancer, there are so many different types. Then you come to the treatment, oh a few weeks of chemo, a few weeks of rads, probably a pill for a few years, thats it treatments finished, oh no its not. We may look ok on the outside, but on the inside we are in bits.
Your Dil is very young to be suffering this terrible illness, to be thinking all the time is she going to see her children grow up. I am a lot older than your Dil but I am thinking all the time am I going to see my grandchildren grow up. After being on this forum and reading others post I think a lot of us are the same, we dont let others see our tears we keep them inside.
I think your Dil is very brave going to live alone and spend time with her children, and she wont know how much time because none of us do. She wont know if it is going to come back, none of us do, even the proffesionals cant tell us that.
I really hope your will support son and also your Dil and your lovely grandchildren she helped create and every thing works out ok for all of them.
Heather
I really hope your daughter in law doesnt read this forum and see this posting. It seems from your posting that you are not awfully fond of her for whatever reason and that is your perogative. It is also your perogative to be be biased towards your son and his behaviour, where you see him as an excellent husband and father. However, no-one except the couple concerned really knows whats goes on in a marriage and even if your son is wonderful, your daughter in law clearly has reasons for leaving him and I am not surprised that you have been cited as one of the problems, on the basis of the content of this posting. I feel it really quite disturbing that you ask when will she be normal again. What is normal? I think these problems have been brewing before the breast cancer was diagnosed and this has merely tipped the balance. If they are to make a go of it, which they might, they need to be left alone to sort themselves out without anyone casting blame.
Chiefwren, it is obvious that you are feeling hurt - both for yourself and for your son. Others have posted eloquently on how your DIL’s cancer will have affected her, so there is no need for me to reprise that. What I would say is that having a breakdown is no small thing. Your DIL will have feared for her very sanity - if that’s not something you’ve experienced … be very very grateful. Despite this, she only had three months away - that’s no time at all to try and recover, to regain mental and emotional equilibrium. If she felt under any pressure from you or your son to “get back to normal”, she may have felt desperate enough to just blurt out that you were part of her problems.
I’m sure there’s a lot going on in your DIL’s mind to which you are oblivious, also that her life may not have been as perfect as you believed it to be.
You want to know why now? Well, it could be that cancer was her “is this it?” moment. That moment when you take stock, look at your life and - if its found wanting - when you can’t avoid thinking precisely those words. Its quite possible that she’s been unhappy for some time, but felt that she should work at her marriage for the sake of the children. Please believe me when I say that even the nicest and kindest of men aren’t easy to live with - I know, I lived with one … yet I ended up hanging on to my sanity by my very fingernails after 14 years together.
In order to move forward, it is very important that the finger pointing stops. It is critical that support and empathy be present - in both directions. It may take some time for your DIL to recover sufficiently to be able to so do, but I hope that you will lead the way until that time. If your DIL is not receiving counselling or therapy - it would certainly be beneficial and you should do all you can to make it possible for her. Indeed, you all may find counselling a positive benefit.
Good luck and I hope you find a way to a future which will enable you to continue being a part of your grandchildren’s lives.
Debs
I am not going to comment on ChiefWren’s posting but to congratulate the women who have explained so eloquently and so painfully how this diagnosis affects their role of mum, grandma, wife etc.
I am lucky to be coming through my cancer journey but I am without children. Your responses here tonight have explained the pure fear and torture that you experience as you watch your children/grandchildren grow from hour to hour to month to month and will you be able to witness their ‘coming of age’ events in the future…
I feel humbled to read your very honest and personal accounts.
I have the utmost respect for your ability to explain. I trust anyone reading them but especially Chief Wren has the opinion that we are priviledged to have such an honest insight into the existence of any young mum with BC.
A BC diagnosis followed by a nervous breakdown would show any human being that this is a woman in crisis. She will be in crisis for years to come as the physical and emotional scars gradually become easier to bear… but both conditions have the very great ability to recur!
Love,support,security and time will help this particular d-i-l come through this particular nightmare with or without her partner and his family.
Let us hope there is enough love in the world to support all the people involved here and they have the ability to listen and to adapt. Chief Wren reported the experience was unimaginable to her, so maybe she is beginning to realise the enormity of her experience.
And NO your d-i-l will never be the same again not only because of her serious health issues but also because of the way she has been treated/referred to/thought of…
I said I wouldn’t comment but it is difficult not to…
Best wishes and love to all the mums and grandmas who are affected by this torrid diagnosis. With respect to you all from Welsh girl.
Fully appreciate all comments, and realise didn’t phrase it very well, trying to keep it short, but it was a’cry for help and advice, and all it seems to have brought forth is angry answers. We do appreciate that ‘it is far from over’ etc
One thing is obvious is the way these websites, for some, are wonderful as it anonomous so gives people the ability to say what they perhaps cannot say to their loved ones.
We have been supportive as much as we can, and have no guilt complexes in that area at all, would do more if allowed, the point trying to make is there seems so much aggression on many posts as to 'this person didn’t understand; and that person ‘said the wrong thing’ until one has been in situation you don’t know what is the right thing. we think our son has done all he can, possibly to detriment of own health and wellbeing, which is a further concern in addition to concerns about dil and children - none of us are perfect and being judgemental is not the way to go. Sandra 4 particularly seemed to understand, whereas others are obviously very bitter and angry. At one point I believe my dil decided this kind of ‘talk’ was not beneficial for her - I think it is wonderful for some but not beneficial for others. Thanks for your comments, will take them on board but willnot access again. All best and hopefully a recovery for you all.
Hello,
Sorry you have not found help in our website, obviously all the ladies on this website find if very helpful, yes it is a way of coping with the bc. I was surprised to read you thought there is a lot of ‘aggression’ as to ‘this person didn’t understand’ and so on.
l think you are mistaking ‘aggression’ for fear, being scared, not knowing if we will survive this bc, for the rest of our lives wondering if it will spread!
Aggression is ‘intending to cause harm’ this we certainly do not do!
Aggression, Bitter, Angry, you use a lot of unkind words for our rollercoaster ride, l think terrified should replace your ‘Aggression’, sad and lonely should replace your ‘Bitter’, and frustration should replace your ‘Angry’
Then perhaps you can understand how we feel. As you say ‘none of us are perfect and being judgemental is not the way to go’ But you are contradicting what you have said, because you have been judgemental to us!
Hopefully just trying to help you understand from our point of view.
I wish you and your family well
Sandra x
well theres one grandma who will doubtless be experiencing problems with her relationship with her grandchildren for years to come, thankfully her daughter in law seems to have a good mum of her own in the background who has been helping to put her back together. I cannot even begin to reply to the points raised as i would be here all day, and it would be pointless. In the event that the daughter in law does read these pages, which is possible as i am sure the cooments may be thrown back at her at some stage, i would like to wish her a healthy and happy life going forwards and congratulate her on getting through and moving forwards in such difficult circumstances.
Vickie
xxx
ggrrrr
Sorry you read it that way , and feel that our replies have´nt helped you . I don´t think anyone was aggressive , we gave you our honest assesement of what we saw as your situation with your son and daughter-in-law . Judgemental ? proberbly , because advice can be judgemental and that was what you appeared to be asking for .
Bitter ? Certainly I´m not bitter , definately peed off by BC and frightened to have it , but I´m not bitter , I don´t blame anybody or anything in particular for my having it , I don´t say "why me " and I definately don´t say "why not them ".
If I were you , but i´m not , I would access these boards , but perhaps don´t post , read and learn from them . There´s a wealth of experience here to help you understand .
I wish you and your family the very best through this difficult time .
Kris
Chief Wren
Please ignore much of what had been said on this posting! I too think much of it is agressive and rude. For everyone to assume you as the wicked mother-in-law is just wrong.
Your son can go through the courts and fight hard to keep custody or at least have lots of contact with his children, especially if she left the them for three months
Cancer is difficult, unfair and downright crap, but is is not an excuse for bad behaviour for the rest of the victim’s life. I am a year post dx, 3 weeks post rads and am now on tamoxifen, it is hard and I am still tired, but I am hoping to be back to ‘normal’ in a month or so.
As you can read, all these everyone has a different take on cancer. Maybe she is still having a breakdown, maybe the marriage was always unhappy and bc has given her the push to leave your son.
A one paragraph posting does not give anyone, cancer sufferer or not, the right to judge your entire situation. Cancer was difficult for her but losing your grandchildren and seeing your son distraught is difficult for your too. Everyone has their own ‘cancer’, or life issues to deal with.
Try to stay supportive, because cancer is difficult. All the very best and I hope you get your family issues sorted out.
I feel l must respond to Gretchen response,
Chiefwren posted on the forum because she wanted answers to her questions………
She started with ………Can anyone explain the workings of the mind?? And ended with ……….And will she ever be normal? Hardly the sentiments of a caring Mother in law?
The lady has obviously had a complete breakdown, whether it was caused by the breast cancer or perhaps the marriage has problems too.
I find your comments no better than ours. Your suggestion…
Your son can go through the courts and fight hard to keep custody or at least have lots of contact with his children, especially if she left the them for three months.
Rather aggressive considering what the young lady has gone through!
Chiefwren herself said…she realises she didn’t phrase it very well. I may be wrong, but l didn’t think anyone called her a wicked mother-in-law!
It came across to me that she didn’t have a lot of time for her daughter-in-law. We obviously don’t know what is going on in the family and can only assume by what and how it is written.
I found your comment of telling her to ignore much of what had been posted because you also found it rude and aggressive, rather offensive. chief wren asked a question and was given answers, we don’t always like what we hear, but thankfully it is a free country and we can have our say.
Is what the daughter in law doing bad behaviour? Like us you are only surmising , because we do not know the situation, not sure l would call someone having a breakdown ‘bad behaviour’ but as l say it is a free country to say what you wish.
I am afraid a ‘one paragraph posting does give anyone, cancer sufferer or not the right to judge her situation, because that is what she has asked for!!
Sandra
having only just read this thread I must say I agree entirely with Sandra. We are all going through hell and we all try to be strong when sometimes it is more than enough just to get up each morning.
I don’t believe anyone on this site judges other people but if you ask for an opinion you get one whether it is what you want to hear or not.
No-one knows about another persons relationship even if they are the mil or just a friend. I certainly know that as when I broke up with my kids dad so many people were amazed as they thought we had a perfect relationship when in fact he used to beat the sh*t out of me.
Life is too short and too precious to fall out with anyone especially the mother of your grandkids so chiefwren try to treat your dil with care and sympathy and not judge her.
K x
The post asked, amongst other things, for somebody to explain the workings of the mind of a young mum of two young children who has been dealing with a breast cancer diagnosis. I am a young mum of two young children and have had a breast cancer diagnosis. I explained in some detail exactly what the workings of my mind were.
I will not be entering a war of words about this, chiefwren can choose to take none, any or all of this on board. I appreciate that you felt she had been responded to unfairly Gretchen and perhaps if she comes back and reads the posts, your views will provide her with a validation of her position, and a way forward to resolve what appears to be an escalating problem.