I am in a really surreal place.........

Hi all,
I’m not sure if this will help anyone or if I just need to write things down to people who can perhaps relate to me and the situation.
On the 13th of December I went to see my Oncologist, I know it was going to be a toughie…She said that we had come to the end of the line with treatments etc and my prognosis wasn’t definate but she was talking perhaps weeks that I had to live. So Christmas with my family has been such a bonus.
I had a very high Calcium level which was effecting my kidneys, which was perhaps more of a threat than the liver cancer, although has seriously enlarged too. She knew I had some outstanding worries and sat down while i dictated a part of my will to her as protection if I couldn’t get to the solicitors.
My Mcmillian nurse then came and said it would be touch and go over christmas and once in the hospice not really to expect to come out.
I was put on zoldrlicacid, for calcium and I am still on tamoxifen, steroids and capcitabine too. I went to see her yesterday, went over everything, liver function has gone up, calcium threat all but gone as normal levels.
The last few weeks i have been able to do normal things, the only pain I have is in the chest and lack of oxygen (blood transfusion monday)Even thinking of lowering morphinee so that I can drive again. I am very weak, fell twice this week but have been a lady that lunches most of time. A friend paid for a manicure today :o)
The oncologist said she would see me in 3 weeks again…
I am slightly, to say the least very confused, not that I want to die, I feel I have been given time, time to be normal with my kids, time to even think I will get to my daughters parents evening, all the mundane things that create a feeling of normality, which for the family is wonderful to see.
To feel lucky, when you are dying is an odd thing but I feel very calm and thankful to be given this extra time with friends and family. The visits have been fun instead of morbid (mainly what tires me) but its been non stop since I was given the news, some are on there 3rd visit lol.Hope to have a Me day on Friday am truly tired and have slept 2 normal nights :o)
There is 1 friend who will not visit, perhpas she is scared, but I understand that and i’m sire will see her soon…it did cross my mind to get a white sheet and turn up lol.
You certainly find who your friends are…and I am blessed, very blessed to have them share their time with in their busy time.
I am very scared of the last bit! But I just wanted to say what an uplifting experience I was having…
I’m not sure what I am trying to say…but that I am in a good place, long may it last, I feel almost a fraud.
Clare xxx

Clare, I do hope that good place you are in currently continues for a good while longer. Take care x

Thank you for sharing that, it puts my problems into perspective. You feel a fraud - no, you are an amazing lady


Sending you all the strength I can spare lovely lady - enjoy every minute of this precious time

Hello Clare

I understand what you are saying. I have tried putting into words what I mean but it looks rubbish when I do.

Don’t be scared of the “last bit” you will find such peace and joy - greater than you have ever experienced before. There will be no pain, no suffering for you.

Clare, your story touched me deeply. You seem very humbled by your experiences and I personally know many people who could do with an ethos and core values like your own.

I have no words of wisdom but I’m so glad you are enjoying your current experiences and clearly make the most of each day with your family and friends. You even show strength of character in accepting and forgiving your friend for not visiting you recently you have in my eyes accepted that just because “we” think someone should do something it doesn’t mean they will and we move beyond any ill feeling toward them, your friend is probably scared as not everyone handles illness well whether its they who are sick or someone else.

I can understand you are scared of “the last bit”, but with the love you are surrounded by you will be blessed by it, please be assured of that.

I stand before God and pray this day that your current happy place is extended much longer than even you hoped for.

Stay Blessed Clare

What an amazing post Clare, thank you for having the courage to share it. It really does lend perspective without inducing guilt in others. I too hope really hope your current state continues - even improves if possible - but utterly concur with SuperTrouper that when the time comes you will be aboslutely fine, surrounded by love and freed from all suffering. In my work I occasionally have the privilege to ‘walk’ with people to the ‘door of eternity’ and alhtough I’ve never been there at the moment they have stepped through it, each and every one of them has been ready when their moment came.

Don’t want to say more, it sounds twee and false. But thank you.

Hugs and prayers

Thank you Clare for such an honest and thought provoking post.

I really hope you get much longer in your good place and that you get to meet up with your friend. It sounds as though you’re able to give your family some more lovely memories so well done for squeezing the most out of every day. Enjoy your “me” day - we all need one of those every now and then - hmmm… maybe it’s time I had one!

Sending love and prayers to you, your family and friends.

Jane xxx

god bless you and your family x


Thanks for posting. So thought provoking and as a stage IV with liver mets, I know it’s where I will find myself at some point too. I guess it makes the point that no-one can tell us when our time is up and that’s why it is so important to enjoy every minute of our lives with those who mean the most to us.

Normality is good. If those friends who have been to see you are still coming for a 9th or 10th time then that’s brilliant!

Are you getting help from hospice / pain team? They will help you so much when you really need it.

You are a very inspiring and courageous woman.

Laurie x

Hi Clare
Thank you again for sharing these precious moments with us. To some it will seem scary, to others, like me, very comforting.
Enjoy Friday - and many more ‘Me’ days to come :slight_smile:
Nicky xxx

thank you for the lovely post. Iam just starting out on this journey and hope i can be as positive as you.
Hope you get loads more me days xx

Clare, that was really beautiful, and could almost be in the “inspiring stories” thread. I found myself smiling after reading your post, with a warm glow inside. Thank you for sharing, and I hope you can feel the love that is coming to you from your online friends. We may not have met, but so many people are with you.



your story gave me goose bumps what a wonderful person you are long may you enjoy life and im thinking of you.

I don’t know what to say except that I feel so glad for you and those who love you.

Wonderful post Clare. Thank you for sharing .

Enjoy your Precious Happy place

Love & Hugs


I read your post with tears pouring down my cheeks…
I have so much less ‘get up and go’ than you and I have none of the reality you have to live.
Your post is a joy to read and so very poignant.
I hope your days are filled with a joy and contentment despite what you are achieving. Contact is good but so are the quieter times when you can just be with yourself.

Your surreal place sounds great. I’m sure many of us admire your inner beauty and acceptance and pray for that for each and every one of us.

You are a leading light to so many…
Thank you so much for your insight.

I am so pleased you have been able to write the post Clare and even more delighted that you seem to be enjoying all your time with family and friends and that the drugs seem to have helped. May you have a wonderful ‘Me’ day tomorrow and many, many more to come.

Liz x

Thanks so much for letting us share you. I wish you courage, strength and comfort.


Hi Clare, what a lovely post, I hope you get lots more me time, enjoy every minute of it, you are an inspiration, such a lovely lady, sending you hugs xx