I’ve recently completed chemotherapy and radiotherapy after a successful lumpectomy. I’m really glad that it’s all over although im struggling with fatigue. My issue is I find myself struggling to show empathy when people discuss minor ailments and tiredness. It just seems so easy compared to the treatment I’ve been through. My husband is horrified that I’m being so insensitive. I don’t tell these people, only my husband, and I regret telling him now.
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OMG not very understanding of your husband at all , once the initial shock wore off my OH seemed to conveniently forget how scary and horrible what I had gone through was . certainly for a while at least you can’t help but find other people moaning about their in growing toe nail or similar completely ridiculous when you’ve been faced with a potentially life threatening disease and had horrible scary treatment - it’s completely normal to feel that way .
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I didn’t have chemo but I yes I know what you mean . I had a touch of that myself and also in relation to other things that had happened. I heard complaining about something her Mum had said which was something and nothing - but it was not long after my Mum had died and I wanted to tell her how lucky she was to still have a Mum who was in good health .
I think it’s just part of the process of recovery - I was pretty angry and I think maybe you are too . At around the stage that you are at I found the Moving Forwards course helpful . I had fatigue after radiotherapy as well and it’s hard to behave as normal when you are exhausted - what tends to happen is that you lose your filter a bit . Your husband may think that you have recovered and expect you to be the old you again and one of the problems a lot of us have at the stage you’re at now is managing expectations - both yours and other people’s not helped by media perceptions etc. which usually run something like well you’ve completed your treatment you’re cured so you should be grateful and happy and making the most of the life you’ve been given back and everything will be back to how it was before. Perhaps you can find a way to explain that your husband will understand.
At some point you will feel better both physically and mentally and maybe find yourself complaining about some little thing - though actually some of us do get a new perspective to some extent and small things may worry you less than before and good things small or otherwise give you more pleasure. It’s a gift that comes as a result of something you never wanted - but still a gift If there’s someone that is persistently getting on your last nerve do you have the option to minimize contact for a while. ? Xx
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Dear Clairej26,
Just be kind to yourself, you have been through so much. Cancer and treatment is not a walk-in the park for anyone.
I completely agree with Jill and Joanne life can be so unpredictable after cancer. Only last week in my house we had a family disagreement, I try not to talk about myself to much, but I had to remind my family that I have had cancer twice and sometimes need some space, and respect, as they tend to forget very quickly when life becomes at big more normal.
So take good care, don’t worry if you have had a bad day, tomorrow will be a better one.
Wishing you well, with lots of happiness ahead.
Hugs Tili 
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I can relate so much. I’m still going through chemo and seem to get easily irritated when people complain of having a headache or not having slept well or they have a cold. I try not to because I know I don’t have a monopoly on feeling unwell/peed off at the world but sometimes I wish people would read the room a bit better!
Don’t get me started on the ‘oh are you having chemo/radio/cancer treatment? My auntie’s best friend’s mother’s sister had that and she was fine, back in work after a fortnight like nothing happened…you’ll be fine…’
Drives me up the wall!
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Thanks so much for your response. Thanks for sharing your experiences. It made sense and made me realise that it wasn’t just me 
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Thanks Joanne. Everything you said made total sense and you pointed out how angry and tired I was. I hadn’t even realised that. Thanks for all the help and advice. I’m aware that I’m doing this and that these feelings are ok to have and will fade away. You’re right- we all moan about silly things! Thanks for putting things into perspective so eloquently
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Basically, people cannot possibly understand what it’s like to have cancer if they haven’t had it, and people really do not understand the mental trauma we suffer worrying about a recurrence or secondary cancer. I think a lot of people enjoy moaning about their illnesses & those people don’t really sympathise with others who have more serious illnesses. We just have to cope as well as we can. I’m sure your feeling of insensitivity will pass.
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Hi @clarej26 I absolutely relate to what you are feeling and I am 3 years post diagnosis. I just can’t listen to people complaining about silly little things… it’s something I have never said or shared with anyone not even my family members - thank god for this forum !! The worse culprits I found out are my work colleagues even my boss they just don’t have a clue what I’ve been through…they can be so insensitive some times…
We need to be more compassionate to ourselves and not feel guilty!!!
Take care. Xxx
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Absolutely normal - totally understandable. I can totally relate.
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Hi, I can relate. Happens at work for me. I say Im tired. Then get the reply “Im tired too, didnt sleep well” ect. And they want me to give them sympathy. When inside my head im thinking you’re tired, im tired from all the tablets im taking, and the cancer rubbish. I’ve still dragged myself to work. But I dont say that, I say, "Oh dear, poor you and walk off. Feeling annoyed.
I did tell my assistant manager that when I get tired, it physical and mentally hurts. Which shocked them and they keep checking how I am now.
Im finding people just forget, now that the major cancer treatment has stopped. Think im back to normal.
I did make myself a badge for work saying “2 times cancer survivor. Please bear with” Hoping customers would be more understanding as I have to go slower on tills now. But it doesnt always work.
That was a good rant. 
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100% with you. Don’t start me on people saying “I know how you feel” and launch into “When I…” on something not remotely anything like what we might be refering to.
Unsympathetic hubby? I raise you a bestie who said that I can be very hard and angry at times. Well yes, because you have totally forgotten what I’ve gone through at times and… this is someone who stayed with a friend of hers for all that lady’s chemo as she lived alone and struggled with the treatment.
Had a right go at her the other week because when I said that I’m aching more than usual, was taking ages to get up from sitting and feel 210 years old (thanks Anastrozole). She said that I need to exercise more. I go to the gym 3 times a week (45 mins cardio, 1 hr weights, occasional swim if I don’t do the others) and she’s a bossy mare who has an iffy knee as she doesn’t exercise and is very overweight 
No wonder, I snapped at her. You can with good friends. But then again, my other very close girlfriends will only listen.and offer more tea, coffee, gin, cake etc. 
I tend to ignore others now, in so much as have nothing to do with them, or turn my back on them asap if they can’t be avoided.
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I like the idea of your badge, nice one.
I think it is hard for people to know what to do for the best. A lot of people desperately want to be sympathetic and helpful but are afraid of saying the wrong thing. There’s so many cliches: the ‘good they’ve caught it really early,’ and ‘they can do wonders these days,’ are all said to cheer us up but by the time we’re diagnosed or in treatment we mostly have a really good knowledge of cancer and all its endearing little ways and don’t need somebody telling us. I know how much it used to annoy me when I was feeling at my absolute worst on day 4 after chemo and somebody would tell me how well I looked. For gods sake, I’m entitled to a wallow I used to scream inside. I look parc, I feel parc and I’m worried out of my mind about the future and you’re telling me I look like I’m in the pink.
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Oh god, I SO relate to that. My second cousin’s daughter-in-law had a friend who had a friend who…recovered in no time. Well bully for them. Its got nothing to do with me!
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Hi
Feelings and emotions will bubble up at all manner of times and occasions, its not linear and its perfectly ok
I think of the ‘new’ me like the sea somedays calm, tranquil, flat other days raging, full on, in flood and inbetwenn a mix of both
You have great days, grand days, shit days and sad days…and so long as the horrid times don’t hold you down too much thats fine
Talking helps even if the recipient doesn’t get it, so keep talking
Big hugs xx
P.S. i was very emotional/angry when on Letrozole but having changed to Anastrozole last summer mood swings are more normal
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Hi since I went threw all my treatments and cancer tbh it made me not cry or emotional with anyone I seem to be the same wot we went threw is so hard x
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For a couple of months after I cried at every appointment I had - GP , Holistic Needs Assessment , work sickness assessment and even as I was leaving the eye clinic after that appointment . It will pass xx
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You have the right to be! Especially after chemo (which I don’t have the experience of, just embracing myself for radio and 5 years of Latrozole)…
But the truth is people are so self cantered. Sometimes say rubbish - you look great (well, you can look incredibly well while having ca and feeling like sh#* every other day), stay positive, positive thinking is powerful ( yeah yeah I know that but all I need is a bit of empathy and a hug) …
So I guess we just have graciously slide over it. Healthy will not understand the ill, rich will not understand the poor and young will not understand the elderly. Just some people are a bit more considerate.
Yes, and all the stories who had it and are doing fine and were able to achieve a,b,c. I love those!
But what to expect from the folks while my Onco lady (whom I had to tell about the latest Predict3 tool as conference is only in November) when I asked how to deal with side effects of the drug told me that if I expect side effects then probably I will have them ( 
yeah as most of the people have fatigue and joints pain and that’s just stats…. And list of side effects is long so not particularly unrealistic for me to expect the most common and thinking about strategies to cope …)
and maybe to do some volunteering job as then I will feel better ( I bet but who will pay my bills, if I could retire early, pay the bills, surely I would do some volunteering)
Basically it was a bit of suck it up…As she doesn’t have to go thru it 
So yes, when I am back to work I am also
gonna have a badge or message on teams and will be using cancer card as peoples memory is very short and they want you to move on in no time….Eh…. So if you cannot expect much from people
who should be professionally trained than what to expect from friends ?
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I totally get where you are coming from… only earlier a friend was telling me his wife was dreading going to the Dentist as she has to have a filling… in my mind I’m thinking I’d have a filling in every tooth over having breast cancer… it’s wrong I know as as lots of people hate the dentist. I do feel myself rolling my eyes when people moan about little things …
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I can totally relate to this so thank you for sharing!
When people say to me at work I’ve got a cold or I’ve been awake since 5am so I’m really tired today. I have to bite my tongue but I really feel like saying, Really??? I woke up seven times last night because of my hot flushes so I think I win the tired competition!
So like you and others I get really annoyed now when people whinge about the little things.
However, in a positive way maybe we now have a different perspective on life after what we’ve been through and live more for the moment, worry less about the trivial things and appreciate every day we have xxx
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