I think I should not have told him

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Hi all. I have been reading some of the comments on this forum for this discussion as to "Have I got Breast Cancer?’ All of yous are just wonderful offering so much support to others whilst needing so much support yourselves…

I have spotted a lump in left breast. Pretty big lump, very hard/solid, moves a little if pressed. Not at all painful so am convinced is a fibro thingy.

I told my boyfriend about it. We have been involved with each other c.11 years (but have known each other for c.18 years). I am 38. He is 37.

Told him I would see a doctor about it, My boyfriend. was very supportive when I told him. I had to tell him on the phone as we live in different towns due to stupid work/family reasons - although having said that we are both very independent people who like not to lean on others unless absolutely necessary… I told him not to panic, as I was not panicking. I told him I would see my doctor in my own time - am waiting till after christmas

I have not seen my doctor yet. My boyfriend has only called me twice since I told him a few weeks ago but he has not mentioned it and so neither have I.

Am now at home alone and not sure what to do. Will not tell my family till I know what the problem is and not before but hoped my boyfriend would be more supportive than he clearly is been. Anyone else had this problem with their men? My boyfriends mum died a few years ago - I believe it was of cancer but I am so ashamed to say that I am not completely sure - as he did not talk about it much. I handled it wrong with him I now know, Not sure what to do. Calls and texts to him go unanswered…

.

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Hi cozza

If you need someone to talk to about the concerns you have please call our helpline, the staff here are able to offer you support and information. The number is 0808 800 6000 Mon-Fri 9am-5pm and Sat 9am-2pm. The nurses here can talk to you about breast awareness and the steps to take if you do feel there is a change in your breast which needs checking out. Here is a link to our ‘Breast Awareness’ leaflet which you may find helpful to read:

breastcancercare.org.uk/docs/breast_awareness_07_0.pdf

Best wishes cozza
Lucy

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Hi Cozza,

I think men tend to bury their heads in the sand when it comes to ‘womens’ problems.

My husband really tried his best to support me, but he was frightened, he couldn’t find the right words to say and those he did say he felt were useless, in fact, he felt useless.

Even now, after my mastectomy, he doesn’t understand when I feel upset…it’s a case of him saying…“Why are you crying, you are ok now”…but I’m not OK.
Bless him, he does try, but I think men seem to be conditioned - well some men - to …like I say…bury their head in the sand…if they can’t see it, it’s not happening.

I hope all works out well for you.

Linda x

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Hi Cozza
I was Dx with IDC in May this year. Nearly at the end of my treatment now, just one more chemo and bilateral mastectomy and I’ll be done!!!
My partner lives 45 miles from me. We had only been together 6 months when I was diagnosed. Initially, he would not talk about it at all, wouldn’t touch me and I started to push him away. I realised that he needed to get his head round everything and so I let him in his own time. It took him about three months before he started to open up and become my partner again, but now we have the strongest and most loving relationship.

I so hope that your lump is nothing serious. I think you need to talk to him and ask him how he is feeling. It may be he is worried and bottling things up. At the same time, don’t forget that this is about YOU. Confide in a good friend. They can be stronger for you than close family members sometimes. I have found my friends to be invalule throughout my ordeal. They have kept me sane!!

Wishing you all the best

Carly x

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Hi.

Thanks v much a lot for the responses. Much appreciated. I will take all this on board. I feel more understanding of him now - although I think deep down I already knew how he was re certain issues. Must have been difficult for you Linda and Carly. You both sound v strong women.

Lucy - thanks a lot for the email and leaflet download.

cozza x

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Cozza, firstly I don’t want to alarm you.

I had a lump much the same as yours and didn’t go to the doctors for a few weeks, I waited because I had an appointment for my regular smear test so thought I woulg get it checked out then. I was referred and all the tests came back as it being a 46mm benign fibroid which I was decided to have removed as it could have got bigger. I had this done as a minor day procedure and found out at the follow up appointment that it was hiding a 33mm agressive tumour; this tested as Her2+. I had to have my left armpit cleared, couldn’t have anything like sentinel node biopsy as my surgeon said as I was further down the line than I should have been on account of it not being picked up on any of the tests he was not willing to risk it. That was October 2006 and I’ve since had chemo/rads/chemo and am now on Herceptin until next May.

I dread to think what could have happened had I left it any longer as the surgeon said the tumour was spreading very rapidly.

I feel very lucky as I am now well and about to start a brand new job in January.

Please make an appointment to have that lump checked sooner rather than later.

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Hello Cherub

Oh my. Your story has not exactly alarmed me as I do think the chances are slim that is BC for me. However, having said that, your story is so very enlightening as to what could actually happen. I really should be helping myself and not ‘self-diagnosing’

Thanks for sharing your story and your advice. It will probably take me till after christmas to get an appt with my doctor - so thanks to your message I will call on Monday to ensure I actually secure one before the new year.

I am very glad things have worked out for you - can’t have been very easy, and must have been a shock to have had that diagnosis as a tumour behind that benign fibroid. Your story reminds me of the weeds in my garden every summer that hide behind the leaves of my lilly plants thinking they are safe and will never be seen and weeded out - but I always find them eventually! Lesson learnt.

Well done and Good Luck with the new job.

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Hi Cozza,

Just a thought about your boyfriend - you told him not to worry because you’re sure it’s nothing, maybe he thinks if he does show concern you will think he’s worried because he thinks it’s something! Maybe he is worried and doesn’t want to speak to you in case you pick up on it and it worries you more! Think other girls are right, give him bit of time and space to deal with it, get yourself checked over asap and then you can hopefully put it all behind you.

Love and luck - Louisa xxx

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Louisa, I understand what you’re saying. You have more than likely hit the nail on the head!

Still not heard from him today although I know he’s ok. Maybe I ought to leave him to it and just get on with things. I think it will spoil our christmas as he obviously feels uncomfortable talking to me which is a shame. Hope I still get a christmas present from him. Have not bought him one yet - was hoping for some tips from him - but can’t get any now.

Oh well - I will just have to wait and see, and will have to go and visit him if needs be as he usually comes to me.
I never predicted this. He is usually a cheeky fun guy with loads to say about life and love etc…and he loves christmas.
Thanks for all your advice. Will keep you posted.

cozza x

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Cozza, I really hope I didn’t give you too much of a scare. At the time I had the fibroid removed I was supposed to be going on holiday 2 weeks later and the surgeon assured me everything would be fine and it would all be well healed in time for my trip. When I went back I just remember him sitting down and saying to me “well, it was a good job this fibroid was removed because we found a cancer”. TBH, it made it better for me that he was so direct and that he didn’t pussyfoot around, so I was very grateful for that. My GP was also really upset as the surgery received the letter to say I was fine, followed by another to say I had been told I had cancer and could the GP contact me as I was visibly shocked by the news.

I hope all will be fine, please keep us posted when you get checked out.

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Hi again

Just a bit of an update. I have got an emergency doctors appt arranged for this afternoon (finally got around to calling the doctor this morning). I was supposed to attend an assessment interview for a new job today but decided this was more important (didn’t really want that job anyway). Have an interview for a better job in January which I intend to go to.

Will let you know the outcome of the appt.

Cozza

PS: Eventually spoke to my boyfriend - STILL not sure what he is thinking. Need to be more paitent with him I suppose as you have suggested.

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Cozza

Good Luck today i hope it all turns out well. will be thinking of you.

Best wishes
Allison x

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Cozza

I hope your doctors appointment goes ok. I rather buried my head when I found my lump (not seeing my GP for about 6 months after finding it), being a nurse I convinced myself it was a fibroadenoma and nothing to worry about. How wrong one can be!

My hubby was fabulous during my treatment, probably rather too over protective and to be honest I felt really enclosed and claustophobic of his reluctance to allow me to carry on as norm during chemo, etc! But, I can’t complain as he could have been the other way and become very distant. I really hope you boyfriend manages to get his head round this so that he can support you, whatever the outcome.

Once again good luck.

Lynn

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Hi Cozza,

Best of luck this afternoon. Men can be strange creatures sometimes. I’m lucky in the fact that mine has been pretty supportive, although he does sometimes like to brush things under the table under the permise that he’s ‘being positive’ about the situation. I’m fortunate enough never to have had someone close to me diagnosed with cancer, and it must be pretty tough. Like Lynn said, I hope your boyfriend manages to get his head round it soon, I’m sure he will.

Love Hannah xx

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Hi Cozza,

I am glad you are having things checked out. Just to pick up on the man thing.

I hate to sound so brutal but you did say ‘Don’t panic’ to him. Men take us at face value, he didn’t panic so you got the male response.

I truly hope things are fine, take care and take that man in hand.

Cheers

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Hi everyone!

Thanks v much for your message cb102. I do hear what you are saying. I guess I half had this girly idea in my head that he would want to be all ‘over me with support’ (you know - chocolates and meals and heartfelt text messages etc…) as I would be for him - without actually panicking! Perhaps he took my saying ‘‘don’t panic’’ as actually meaning ‘‘leave me alone?’’!

The main problem with my man is that he’s stopped talking/texting me as much as he used to before; it’s like he’s avoiding me since I told him, even though nothing is actually diagnosed and may even never be.

I didn’t realise how much I rely on him to make me laugh when he calls as his take on his life is so funny. But now our conversations (such as we now have) are a bit stilted - not so normal - but I havve two options - be paitent and leave him alone - or I will have to take him in hand and tell him what I want (what I really really want - a ziggy zig ahh!). (sorry - got a bit spice girly just then!). Problem is I miss him - and have realised that he is my only friend. I actually have no friends. I have neighbours and cousins/family etc…but I have no-one that I can run to for a woman to woman conversation. How did I let that happen?

So special thanks to you too Ilynnt, Hannah30 and AllyT. You are also both so kind to pass on your kind words of advice and support. Just what I wanted from this forum - did I but know it!

Yes, I saw the doctor and she did a thorough physical check of breasts and armpits as expected. She bets her money on it being a fibroadenoma - as I thought it was - (I think I surprised her with my knowledge of this - which I had gleaned from the internet and from all the ladies comments that I had read on this subject on this forum) - but she has also referred me to a breast clinic as I am a lady of a certain age (38), and she needs to be extra sure.

So I await a phone call to let me know the date/time for the breast clinic appointment - which should come through quickly she says but with it being christmas next week - she can’t be certain.

I have to say Thanks again to you Cherub for your additional comments. They have enlightened me as to what could happen - however you have also assured me that if worse comes to worse I will be able to follow your example and I will be fine - just as you seem to be now. Hope you don’t mind if I contact you further if my diagnosis does per chance follow your pattern?

I am glad I went to the doctors now as I just felt relieved that it was now out of my hands - the wheels are in motion and what will be will be.

I also feel so confident that whatever it is I will be able to deal with it- 'cause the comments on this forum have made me realise that I have nothing to worry about. You are all an inspiration - taking time out to support others like me, who will be more than likely be benign - when you have so much else to consider in your own lives.

…truly inspirational…
cheers
cozza xx

ps: I think this is a rambling response - sorry - hope it makes some sort of sense.

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Hi Cozza,

I feel you picked up my tongue in cheek attitude, perhaps I can be a little more helpful this time.

I honestly think that the only reason your boyfriend appears a little more distant is that he may be worried about what he says. I think men worry about saying the wrong thing so err on the side of caution and say nothing. He could be thinking ’ If I call Cozza how do I start the conversation, ask how she is? What if she doesnt want to say anything about the lump? What if she does?’

I really don’t think he thinks any the less of you, you both need the time to find a nice cosy spot to talk about how you feel both without having to come up with solutions because until you know whats what it is difficult to plan.

I hope you get time together over the Christmas break and just as important good news on the lump front.

Cheers

Carol

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Hi Cozza

Glad you finally got to the docs. bet everyone here is crossing there fingers for you as we were all in your position at one time.

Just remember one hing the only person that matters in your life is YOU, so over xmas have special and fun times with your family, they will always be there for you whenever you need them, Not the same as having your BF but time is maybe what he needs. If hes too slow at coming round, kick his butt and make him realise what a catch you are lol.

But seriously keep well and try not to let this take over your life (hard not too i suppose).

Best Wishes
Allison x

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Hello again!

cb102 - Thanks girl…straight talking never did anybody any harm …no harm taken or meant honestly…means a lot coming back to me the way you have. xxx… I hope all is ok with you. Do you mind me asking what your story is?

AllyT - Thank you. Yeah - family means a lot to me - more so as I and they have gotten older… I have spent a lot of time with family this week - I guess they are gonna start wondering why they can’t seem to get rid of me! I have bought tickets to go ice-skating with 5 of them on christmas eve. We can’t wait! Your comment made me laugh at the end (the ‘‘kick his butt’’ bit). Wish he was close enough to me so that I could kick it…but c’est la vie. Life goes on! Also - what’s your story if you don’t mind me asking?

take care all

cozza

Cheers girls

cozza

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Morning Cozza

Nice one about the ice skating sounds brill but i would be like Bambi trying to do it lol.

I was diagnosed Thursday before xmas last year, i had a small pea sized lump on my left breast, bit tender to touch as well. Went to see my doctor who told me it was more than likely a cyst What a relief that was!! Went to local hospital alone because i was soooo confudent this was all it was. Had mammogram, then another and anotherr lol, Was starting to worry then! Ultrasound then after. After these teste i was back to see the consultant bout half hour later, He told me it was suspect!! What did that mean??? …I cried and missed alot of wht he said. At Glasgow Royal a week later i had a biopsy done and before i left the hosp the consultant told me he was 98% sure i had BC. OMG my world fell too bits. I had just turned 40 had 2 kids 13 and 10 at the time, i thought this happened too older women!! How wrong eh. January 2008 i had a lumectomy and 2 lymph nodes removed, this wasnt as bad as i thought it would be, 3 weeks later back to consultant for the news, Was dreading this. My BC nurse was amazing she was there for the outcome too. It turnrd out to be a grade 1 tumour which didnt require cheomo so i had 6 wks of Rads and now Tamoxifen for 5 yrs, What a rambler i am bet you wish you hadnt asked lol.

My partner had just moved in with me and my sons on Dec 8th and i just kept pushing him away. dont know why, Confidence was at an all time low, and felt totally worthless.

Things do get better though believe me. I am now planning my wedding (woohoooo!!!) my boys are doing brill.

Today i have an appointment for mammogram etc, 6 mth check up. Yet i am terrifed this is the reason im here so early lol, plus need to get kids too school and get too work.

Sorry i went on a bit Cozza guess we all d this now and then lol

Take Care
Allison xx