It feels too difficult

Going through breast cancer treatment Radiotherapy
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Hi. I’m 53, diagnosed with BC December 23, hormone positive one so that was good. Lumpectomy January, good margins; took all the lymph nodes at the same time, it was in 3 of them, one at Level 3.

Chemo started mid-March, ECD x 6 at 3 week intervals. It was vile, of course, but could have been worse. I’m feeling better than I was, now, although fatigue still an issue and I have oedema in my lower legs now, but then, I’m very overweight so…:woman_shrugging:t3:

I’m due to start radiotherapy this week, 15 sessions. And then letrozole for 10 years.

I just don’t want to.
I am so, so tired of it all.

I lost my OH in March, just before I started chemo. He had been ill for a long time, but nonetheless, he was still here. Now, he isn’t. I know this doesn’t help, neither my mood nor my ability to keep fighting, after fighting / caring for him for so long,

But.
I’ve had enough of it all.

I know I will get through it, because I have to - and I have some good friends, I have the support, although I spend most of my days my own.

So -
How did you all get through it? How did you keep going for treatment, especially if you felt you had no particular reason to keep going, if that makes sense?

(I’m sorry to moan, I know I’m very fortunate and that there are hundreds of woman who wish more than anything, that they were so fortunate. Sometimes, I just … need to reach out and hear how others coped, I guess).

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Hi noots, sorry to read how you are feeling. You have got this far, so one final push to get through your radiotherapy. It will be a long 15 sessions but nearly there.
Just think of all the nice things you will be able to do again once all your appointments are over and you are feeling better. Thats what kept me going. Yes, I was worried through my diagnosis and treatment, but my dad had already fought cancer twice and was much worse than me and in his 70s. I knew if he could beat it then so could I. Try to do at least one nice thing a day. I must admit that sometimes I just wanted to be left alone, but felt tons better after I saw friends and family.
Take care and hope you feel better soon x

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Hi @noots oh dear, my heart really goes out to you and I have a lot of empathy with you. Just a brief background, in my late 50s my husband developed MND and declined quickly and was gone within 10 months. In many ways this was a relief as it is such a horrible disease. But it was like being thrown into a surreal nightmare and at the end, I just couldn’t shake the feeling of uncertainty that life can change for the worse like THAT (snaps fingers). During this time, my widowed mother, who was much beloved by me, worsened from Mild Cognitive Impairment to full blown vascular dementia. As I had already taken early retirement to deal with the other issue, I moved so that I could be on hand to support her, which soon became a full carer‘s role. That was a different experience, long, drawn out decline which eats away at your soul. Anyway, the last five weeks of her life were terrible and I was with her through it all. She died in April 2021 and a year later, when I was still mourning both of them, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Full disclosure, my treatment plan was not as harsh as yours but nevertheless it was something else to deal with when you have nothing much left to give emotionally. It’s two years after diagnosis for me now and I still have days when everything seems pointless BUT there are also flashes of the old me before trauma set in. I never had anti-depressants, which personally I don’t regret, nor counselling, which I do regret and occasionally think of trying even now. There is no quick way or magic bullet to find “the point” again especially when you are wrung out, exhausted and have had enough. My only advice is to investigate outside help through your GP who can not only prescribe some pills to help you but should have a list of counselling practices in your area. If you have a Maggie’s or other self help groups near you, go! I honestly get that it takes more energy than you feel you have but if you get out there once, it will become easier. If it helps, please DM me. This rock face of rads and endocrine treatment which you face IS surmountable. Use whatever you can get - drugs, talking therapy, group sessions - as temporary tools to get you up there. Once you are up there, the view will be clearer.

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Thank you for the reply, I really do appreciate it. You’re right - I need to find something nice every day, some other focus … xx

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Thank you so much for the reply, Tigress. I’m so sorry you’ve been through all that - MND is, indeed, a vile disease, and dementia is just so cruel, too.
You understand that life can be snatched away just like THAT - and how much that can impact on everything.
My OH suffered brain injury, taking pretty much everything away bar, we believe, a degree of understanding. He went when he had had enough - well anyway, long story, of course.
I do have counselling, I’ve been on anti-depressants for years anyway. I like what you say - get up there, then the view will be clearer. It’s a hard climb…but yes, maybe it will be.
I’d say to you; please go for counselling - there’s no time limit, and grief is forever - we don’t get over it, as people say; we learn to live with it, we grow around it, we never forget but it gradually stops being all-consuming. (I’m a counsellor, myself - obviously not been working for a bit!).
Thank you. I appreciate your DM offer, too - I know I’m a bit rambly and stuff atm though but I’d like to extend the offer back to you! Xx

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It is so difficult - I understand, as I’m sure everyone on this chat does. I do some creative activities each week, just for fun - usually short online art or craft classes and I’ve done an in-person pottery course. I live alone so plan something social each week - this depends on my energy levels so may be just a phone call or some text chats but having it in my diary, means I look forward to it. I also love reading, listening to Radio 4 and watching old movies that take my mind of my health. I plan future times with family and friends to keep me focused on fun events. I’ve had to adjust my expectations of what I can do and adapt, as some days my energy levels are like someone 20 years older but there are good days, which I really enjoy. Hope these ideas help- hang on in there! x

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Thank you @noots . I may well take you up on that :kissing_heart:

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Hi
Firstly Hugs :people_hugging:
Now to other stuff from me for what its worth

Ask some of your friends and family to be with you after every radiotherapy ( drive you if they can) , go for a coffee, ice cream, visit to the pictures/ movies ( after you have slapped moisturiser and keep hydrating), or just sit with you for a while ( if they work ask them to pop by on route home

Plan something lovely for the end of the radiotherapy for you ( a pamper session, getting your nails done, a lovely walk, a weekend away etc )

Tell your team you are having anxiety and worries ( they will listen)

Would it help to use the Someone Like Me service on here?

If you have a Maggie centre or local support group please go along, they will be extremely supportive

You are almost there so dig deep, take a breath and remember this too will be over soon

Im not saying its easy because some days its so fooking hard, difficult and soul destroying but you know you would tell your friends if they were going through this that they need to keep going

My darling mom died the day before i started my chemo last year ( i never told her i had breast cancer) and dealing with all that goes with that grief alongside the grief for the life and you before all this is at times overwhelming but with counselling, support, drugs if you need them there will be a different future, just hold on…it will get better

Talk to the nurses on here

If you haven’t kept a journal perhaps writing it down and getting the stuff out of your head might help( you never need to share it but writing it can sometimes be a relief)

Blessings and good thoughts sent your way

X

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Thank you, you’re right - planning something is so good. I struggle with that - ADHD - but if I don’t try, or at least think about it, I won’t get anywhere. So I am going to think about crochet projects, friend time, maybe get some podcasts or audio books lined up…. Really appreciate the reply xxx

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I don’t have any real suggestions about how to get through it because I’m still very much in the middle of it with no end in sight. I’m due to start radiotherapy next week (after chemo and surgery). I had in my head that I would be done after radiotherapy and then a few more phesgo shots but when my pathology came back post-surgery, I ended up being strongly ER positive and also having residual disease which means Tamoxifen for 5 or 10 years and more chemo. It’s hard to see people celebrating being done and moving on when your end is a long way away.

I feel like been constantly looking forward to the end of hard things (job loss, car accident, house fire) for the past couple of years and it seems like every time I get close to the end, more shit comes along and I am just exhausted.

The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that I would regret it if I didn’t do everything I could and ended up getting a recurrence but it is proper shit to still be in the middle of it all and see everyone moving on without you. Does it help to know that you’re not alone? I’m not sure… :joy: but I do certainly relate to what you’re feeling.

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Thank you so much for taking the time to reply, and for the hugs!

I am so very sorry you lost your mum just before chemo, how incredibly hard that must have been. Here’s a hug back for you “-“
I’m hoping I’ll have someone with me for each session, but it won’t be friends - family, for which I am grateful, but not the same :rofl:

I don’t have Maggie’s nearby, but yes, I will find other things. And stock up on some lovely moisturiser, make a change from the zero stuff (good though it is!).
Xxx

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Oh my goodness, my lovely lady, how utterly shite it has been for you, for sure. I’m so sorry, so much loss and trauma and fear and damn hard slog :disappointed::disappointed:. Please have a huge hug from me (I’m very squishy, so my hugs are good, I’m told).

I hope this thread is helpful for you, too. Although I know that it can feel like too much, too hard to plan nice things.

Yes, it does help to know I’m not the only one feeling so bloody low and like it’s too hard and pointless…. But I wish I was the only one because I hate that anyone else is feeling this crap, tbh.
I know I will get through it, nothing lasts forever, this too shall pass, and so on. And I will try to do things to help myself.
And like you, I will do what it takes because otherwise, I’ll wish I had, probably.

Damn it, bugger it, and sod it all.
You’re awesome.
Xxxxx

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Please feel free to xxxxxx

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Sending hugs your way too.

I think I need a break, like a proper holiday since I’ve not had any time off basically since I’ve been diagnosed in January - aside from days off for treatments (which as you know is anything BUT relaxing :joy:) I was talking to my therapist and she agreed.

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I plan to have a fabulous holiday - I’ve not had one since before Covid - had to cancel 2022 as the OH was very poorly and not expected to survive. He was a strong and stubborn man!
But I want to get some fitness back, and lose a lot of weight, first, so I can enjoy it properly. Meantime, seeing friends, maybe a city break, that sort of thing.

It’s hard to plan nice things, or enjoy them, when you feel rubbish and anxious, isn’t it.
Xxxx

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It is, indeed. I feel guilty about taking time off of work, which I know is nonsense but I had just started a new job 2 weeks before I started chemo so I don’t want to be a fuss or a bother to anyone.

First, I need to get through the next 3 weeks of radiotherapy. How many sessions do you have planned? It’ll be good to get another thing ticked off the list and will free up some mental space to plan other things afterwards (or at least I hope so).

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I’m having 15 sessions - started yesterday. I really dislike lying there with the girls out!

I was due to start a new job, too - i work in retail, and I had transferred to a new store due moving the OH. I’ve not started there yet, and that’s 8 months on!! It’s not an issue for the store, of course, but it’s taken a while for me to stop worrying about it. I’ll get back when I feel ready - I’m dealing with grief too, of course, and it seems it’s rather challenging to do cancer and grief at the same time!

Like you, I’m planning on getting through this, and then taking some time to process and recover. I’m due to have Letrozole, too, but I cannot contemplate that at the moment,

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We’ve got the same amount of sessions then, you’re just a few days an ahead of me. How are you finding it so far?

Starting a new job in retail sounds like a lot and it would have been way too people-y when you’re going through active treatment, and then the grief on top of it would have been way too much. I’d have been catatonic. I’m lucky that I was able to work from home and my job has flexible hours, so I could take a nap in the middle of the day if I needed it.

I’ve been alternating between just trying to get through the next step and thinking about everything else that I need to do, so I’m very up and down at the moment. My OH is also awaiting a major surgery which is playing on my mind. He’s had 4 open heart surgeries and is awaiting a 5th. The last surgery was horrific and he very nearly died so obviously I’m worried about that… almost more than I am about myself.

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Good god, the things we’ve all been through …The people that I met in the dementia world used to describe their state, when their caring duties were over, as a kind of PTSD - a state in which I feel I am, even now. I salute those tens of thousands of women who get through breast cancer and for whom it recedes in to the background. I may have been one of them had it not been for the two incurable diseases I had to immerse myself in for years beforehand. No self-pity here, even though it may sound like it, just recognition that I took too many things for granted before the avalanche of health issues landed on my bonce.

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Yes - even though it was the same (great) company, and new store with new people was too overwhelming. ADHD impacts me in that sort of scenario, too - takes me a year or so to settle and be myself! I’m glad you were able to work from home and take time for yourself.
I was basically catatonic for the first 3 months - didn’t see anyone, didn’t talk to anyone, just cried, slept, and stared into space! I’d escape back to my own place as soon as I felt well enough - usually about 10 days after chemo - then back to mum’s the day before the next treatment. I am grateful that I have that option, and also that I didn’t have to drive myself (sister or neighbour), to chemo to when I had to go for port fitting, etc. But it was so hard to make myself go, each time - if it wasn’t for the impact on mum, I may not have bothered because honestly, I didn’t care. I still don’t, but I can fake it most days, lol!

I understand the alternating next step / looking ahead. I can only imagine how incredibly hard it is, with what your OH is facing / has been through. I’ve no words. Fear of the unknown … fear it will go badly again… hope… I don’t know. So much. And it’s easy to say, “don’t worry until we get there” etc, but it’s natural to worry and think “what if”.

Please feel free to keep chatting on here - all out journeys are different, but I know it helps when someone else has an idea of what yours is like. Also, please do message me if you’d like, I’m happy to chat xxxxxx