Oh Tigress, going through these things has a lasting impact, I’m quite sure. Caring for someone… it haunts us, it plays on our mind, it raises endless questions, and it saps our strength and resilience more than we realise, until it’s over.
Like you, I think I might have coped differently, had I not been so totally worn out after 15 years / mired in grief. I’ll never know, of course. And we can only deal with what we have. Acceptance is a key to reducing mental suffering, (amongst other things, of course), but accepting that someone you love is suffering / reliant on you / gone; accepting that you have to go through suffering and pain and heartache etc, well, another thing that is easy to say and so, so hard to do. If I ever work out how, I’ll let you know!
Please, do keep talking here, or message if you’d like. I’m realising how much it can help, to share with someone whose journey has had similar trials. Xxx
It really is crap this disease and I’m so sorry for your losses. I’m 52 and was diagnosed in December 2023, left lobular invasive, oestrogen receptive. Came off HRT straight away which was tough. Surgery in Feb thankfully clear margins and starting taking Letrozole for 5/7/10 years? (hot flashes, joint pain….).
My Dad passed away a week before my radiotherapy after a short illness (he had kidney cancer last year and kidney removed - they found a brain tumour and he was gone within 6 weeks) which was so tough as he had supported me and come to some of the early appointments). Radiotherapy was 15 sessions at the same hospital that I had visited Dad at and where I watched him pass, which made it so hard.
I managed to get a week away in Bulgaria at the start of August which helped but I am so tired all the time, joints hurt and am so emotional about losing my Dad and trying to process what has happened to me over the last year.
BC team have said to refer myself to MacMillan for 4 free counselling sessions and to book into a Maggies moving forward session, which I think I am going to do.
I will never be the same person again but I am thankful that my treatment has ended (MRI results show no changes, other than surgery changes and no malignancy).
Sending love to everyone still on the treatment journey and hope we can all find peace moving forward.
Oh @aly0120 , that’s heartbreaking. I’m so sorry for your loss, how devastating and yes, how very hard to have to be going to the same hospital. I’ve avoided anything to do with where the OH was, I know it would be too much at the moment. I have found it nigh-on impossible to process grief at the same time, and for you it sounds as though it’s very, very recent. I can offer only hugs, and an ear if it helps.
Well done on getting this far! I came off HRT too, as soon as I had the biopsies because I “knew”. (Turned out to be invasive duct, ER+). It’s interesting that you’re on Letrazole already - although the chemo discharge said to start them, my radio consultant said most don’t until that’s finished too. I can’t contemplate them, I need to feel well again before I start on something that might make me feel poorly again, I don’t have the strength or resilience.
I’m having counselling with MacMillan, I don’t have a Maggie’s near me but in keeping it in mind. I think any support helps; this thread is helping me, for sure.
One day at a time, hey.
Happy to talk, if it might help xx
I know I said I was going to book a holiday, but I couldn’t resist putting a deposit on this little cutie instead. We’re going to pick her up when I’m done with radio. So now the next couple of weeks will be busy with puppy proofing the house instead of thinking about cancer and shit.
I have been following this thread - almost replied having lost both my parents - Mum 7 months before being diagnosed and Dad a year after I completed radiotherapy . Their birthdays were both at the end of August so I’m really feeling it just now. Then I saw this gorgeous puppy picture @kartoffel - oh wow she is beyond adorable and I’m sure will give you and your partner hours of joy which I’m sure can only be good for you both xx
What a great idea!! Will make you get up, and go for walks, and clean up mess, lol! Not to mention cuddles
Have you had a pup before? I’m debating it, although it’s a ‘sometime in the future’ plan, but I’ve always had cats.
@JoanneN I am so sorry. There are no words. Such grief is overwhelming on its own, isn’t it, let alone when dealing with the vast array of emotions and physical shot that cancer brings.
I’m glad you’ve felt able to share a little here, isn’t it amazing what cute puppies (and for me especially, kittens!), can do.
Big hugs.
Please share as much or as little as you’d like, here.
Xx
It’s either going to be the best idea or the worst idea. Could go either way… We’ve had dogs before, although the last one we had together didn’t go well because it was a rescue and the shelter had been a bit economical with the truth so we had to bring him back after a few months. It’s definitely helping keep me distracted from obsessing over everything else I have to do treatment wise.
Starting radiotherapy today and I don’t think I’m worried about the actual treatment, but just the practicalities of having treatment every.single.day seems a bit overwhelming at the start.
@JoanneN sending love your way and hoping you can find comfort in some of the words shared. Are you done with active treatment? As much as I find it overwhelming to be in active treatment, I know that finishing is going to come with its own set of challenges and combining that with grief must seem overwhelming sometimes.
@kartoffel how have you got on today?
I’ve just had my 3rd session. And I’ve had enough, now. 30-40 minute drive, each way; waiting; putting on a breast gown that doesn’t really fit; lying on a hard table whilst random (seemingly) people make adjustments to the table and equipment and me; not breathing in right; arms that are in agony / numb…. Ok, it’s not actually painful and it’s waaaay less bad than chemo but… yeah. I’ve had enough now.
And yes, I know they are trained professional and have seen hundreds of boobs but I just dislike it! I asked, on Friday, for females only. That didn’t work, but he’d been part of the staff before so I decided I couldn’t be bothered saying anything.
I can’t be bothered saying anything at all, really.
Sorry, having a moan. I think I’ve just had enough of having to do things, and all the other stuff that I’m dealing with. Plus I’m really tired (lack of sleep), and that doesn’t help, does it?
@noots just finished now and on my way home. It didn’t feel bad, aside from the obvious discomfort but it just made me unexpectedly upset whilst I was lying on the table. I was doing fine until they left the room and then I just wanted to start crying which was rather difficult to do when you’re trying to hold your breath and hold still…
I know what you mean about the not being able to be bothered to do anything. What I might have questioned or tried to fix before, I just cannot be arsed. Where I would have chatted, now I could just shrug. Just get us through this shit as quickly as possible.
@kartoffel glad it wasn’t too bad. I close my eyes, and try to get my head away somewhere … well to be fair, there’s always so much going on in my head, that isn’t too difficult.
I think the crying just comes, at least, that’s what I’ve found. Unexpectedly, at things that wouldn’t normally matter.
It was nice to have had a break, a few weeks off between chemo and radio. Going back to treatment is just… IDK… like another smack, a proper, “thwump - you have (had?) cancer”.
Hugs. Hope you can rest / do something nice this afternoon xxx
Bless you both - sometimes I think it just comes down to one thing too many / too much but you you will get through it and come out the other side. All the Radiographers that were in with me ( rarely saw the same one twice ) were female , I was prepared to see male staff but I was glad I didn’t - I think it adds to your background level of anxiety and discomfort .
I struggled most after finishing the treatment and found the Moving Forwards course was helpful .
@kartoffel thank you for your kind message . I was concentrating on getting Probate sorted last year - literally drowning in paperwork so we just got around to selling Dad’s bungalow . I had cleared out a lot of their belongings but I’m down to things like photos now which bring back a lot of emotions.
Before that we were dealing with Mum’s estate - I say we but my brother lives away and hasn’t been much help though my cousins have been supportive. It just feels neverending , sometimes I feel really great and very alive I think that’s due to having had cancer - but other times not so much. Xx
@JoanneN Probate sounds like so much hassle, unnecessary hassle. I’m not doing the OH’s, as we weren’t married (the plans were thwarted by what happened to him), and he hadn’t made a Will, so his daughter is next of kin.
Memories, photos… sometimes they make me smile, sometimes they trigger heartbreak all over again.
I am going to say about female staff again, I think. 12 sessions left, that’s a lot to just put up with it, isn’t it.
I’ve no idea what I’m going to do once treatment is finished - or how I will feel. I refuse to take Letrozole until I feel well enough to deal with side effects. i need to make a decision about where to go back to work, (old place or new place), and where to buy a house (once probate comes through, long story, but I trust my stepdaughter). I have to lose weight and get some fitness.
Trouble is, I don’t really care. It’s like, I know I have to do all this so I need to make the best decisions etc; but I’ve no real interest in any of it.
Can I ask, in what ways did the Moving Forward course help?
I’m so sorry about your partner but I’m glad you have a good relationship with your stepdaughter and that she’s sorting things out . As well as the grief it must be making you feel quite unsettled .
Ok - the Moving Forwards course . Hard to explain really but after radiotherapy I was struggling in lots of ways . I had fatigue initially , I had a shoulder injury , my Dad was unwell . Anastrozole side effects kicked in. I knew that there were a lot of people worse off than myself but i found that not only did I keep crying but I was very angry - I had been talked into a medical trial the first person in my hospital on it communication wasn’t great the initial procedure failed ( which I knew ) . There was a wait to heal and have a check mammogram then an extended wait for results because the radiologists couldn’t agree then after weeks of nothing and waiting it was proper seat of the pants . It’s a lot to process but I couldn’t understand why having then had a successful surgery and straightforward recovery I wasn’t feeling happy and relieved and grateful . Also I was scared not just of my body betraying me again but of doing normal things - apparently I was healthy but it still felt like I was defective in some way . I didn’t have chemo but I had still had 6 months of my life being structured around appointments and it had been lockdown so things had not been normal anyway . When you’re having treatment you’re focussed on getting through it then suddenly you’re not having treatment and in hindsight I felt a bit disorientated by that and a bit lost .My friends asked if I wanted to go to Holland for a long weekend and my immediate thought was " I can’t do that !" I also found another lump which turned out to be just an oil cyst but it was scary and also painful for a few days. I knew I had to pick myself up go back to work and normal activity but I couldn’t figure out how this was going to happen.
My Moving Forwards course was online and it became very clear that it was ok not to be feeling ok - everybody’s experience was different but nobody was feeling ok. There were some materials available to read and download and listen to as well as the online sessions which really helped me to understand how I was feeling and I was able to let go of a lot of my anger and fear and just process what had happened. I also started posting on here at that time - I wish I’d joined sooner as I would have felt less alone and it’s been like therapy really. I used to say " I’ve been lucky , I’m fine " and it felt like someone else saying it but I started to believe it . I could go out and about without worrying about bursting into tears or biting someone’s head off .
I’m still gutted that I didn’t have that lovely experience in Holland with my friends - all because I was scared and feeling wrong . I’m so sorry that you lost your OH and I imagine that between grief and cancer it must be hard to take an interest in anything but I really hope that you get to take that amazing holiday and enjoy it Noots xx
@JoanneN thank you for that. I hadn’t thought I’d look to do it, but I shall see what’s available. I’m glad it helped you, it sounds like you went through a convoluted and difficult journey and I’m not surprised you were angry! I also say how lucky I’ve been, and that I know I’ll be fine. And that’s true, but… it’s still rubbish, hey.
It is all a lot, really. But once I’m ready, I will have the holiday and reset!
X
You can do it one day at a time. I know.
It is tough in some days better than other days. My story is about the same although I had thirty rounds of radiation. I.
Am still suffering with pain in my armpit.From the lymph node removal and still have breast pain as well. Now I have just about every side effect.There is for the Verzenio and Letrozole. My hair is growing back. I am still scared every day. I pray, I pray for myself.I pray for you and for everybody else.Who writes on this forum.
@beyond Oh my lovely, what a horrible journey you’re enduring.
I can’t imagine 30 rounds of radiotherapy… well, maybe I can, but I sure as heck don’t want to.
I hope you can take painkillers, and that in time, the massage and exercises help with the pain. I’m just starting to get twinges again in the boob, from the radiotherapy I guess.
I know women who went through this very many years ago, and now give it next to no thought, living life like anyone else. Maybe we will reach that stage, too!
Im sorry to hear this.
Im not pushing through it. Im extra sensitive to medication and only a week on chemo tabs and exemestane made me ill.
Ive stopped. Im no inspiration l know . Thini the point lm trying to make is everyone is different and you are doing amazingly well.
Good luck x
We’ve had dogs before, although the last one we had together didn’t go well because it was a rescue and the shelter had been a bit economical with the truth so we had to bring him back after a few months. It’s definitely helping keep me distracted from obsessing over everything else I have to do treatment wise.