Its a Rant - Apologies.

Public Archive
1

Firstly, before i indulge myself with my rant, can i apologise to all those who are completely hairless at the mo’. You may read this and think i should just get a grip, which is quite possibly true.

Last year my femininity came under attack: my hair fell out, as did eyelashes and eyebrows, meaning that once the war paint and wig came off i was left looking like Zippy off Rainbow. “So what!” thought I, “I can cope with this.”

My traitorous breast was lopped off and replaced with the magnificent Babs. “So what!” thought I, “good riddance to it.”

My lovely waist that i’d worked on for months miraculously disappeared due to imposed inactivity, “So what!” thoughht I, “it will start to re-emerge once normal service is resumed.”

Due to the op there was a period of time when i couldnt get some of my clothes on. “Ok, a bit annoyed now, but i shall simply replace them, even if they’re not quite to my taste.”

All this I do with determination to cling on to ‘Me’, to still portray ‘Me’. But now dear ladies, i think i am beat because my bl@@dy, b@tard hair has grown back as The Jackson Five - ALL of the Jackson 5! There’s a good 3" of it but as a diameter! I ABSOLUTELY HATE IT! but the biggest problem is the fact that being a good, positive, inspirational cancer survivor everyone expects me to not be bothered. Why? Why should i suddenly, after 43 years, suddenly not give a monkey’s about my hair? Why? ive had breast cancer not a flippin brain transplant!!! One friend said how lovely it was and how she’d love to have hair like it. “You can! Go and get it cut short and have a tight perm!..No?”

I know iin the big picture it doesnt matter and that compared to everything elsi ive been thru its nothing - i know this because everyone keeps telling me, but to me it matters! Your hair is a massive way of expressing your personality and everyone does it, even my balding OH shaves what little he has because he thinks it looks silly longer, so why am i suddenly expected to not be bothered?? All ladies know how horrible it is to have a ‘bad hair day’ - I feel like that everyday and that’s on top of everything else thats happened!!

Apologies again if I sound ridiculous but i needed to rant somewhere (believe me - i could go on!) and you lot copped for it. right, I’d better polish that halo and gett back to being chipper. (Although you cant see said halo because of the Leo Sayer).

As you were.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

2

SCACO you are absolutely permitted a rant… I wish I could make it right for you, and return you to gorgeous locks instantaneously but I can’t. You have been (outwardly) so strong and positive (swan impressions?!) and now you are permitted a little meltdown/rant/wobble (or wibble as I typed first). I think it’s quite natural/normal… the rest of the world thinks it’s all done and dusted now and that pesky what-if fairy/gremlin is still firmly perched on your shoulder.

You are still you, and you are still beautiful, but you are also permanently changed… I think we have to try to find a way of holding those things together that is life-affirming, and it flippin’ well ain’t easy.

Big cyber HUG

3

You know what? I think it’s maybe only the tip of the iceberg and a very important one for that too! In your post it comes across how you tried to cope with everything (so much like myself, I keep telling me it’s OK to loose a breats in April, it’s OK to loose hair and eyebrows and lashes just now, It’s OK to go through horrible SE’s although I’m scared of my 5th chemo next week etc etc) this rotten diagnosis throws at us a real saga, so much to cope with and on top of all this is the fear of surviving and secondaries. And than you kind of tell yourself hair is trivial, but it’s not, it’s another symptom we don’t want anymore, another reminder all the time of not being back to pre diagnosis, if we ever get there.

So your rant turned a bit into my rant LOL

Nothing more I can say or do but sending a truly sympathetic HUG,

Christine xxxx

4

Hi aww u rant it will do u good we all know how u feel my hair as grown back really curly with grey in it a lot thicker than before I’m having it cut sat I wld also like to say when I had prim bc then had chemo it grew back the same but after each cut it did grow straight again just takes a bit of time unf I’m on chemo again so we don’t know if mine will grow but at least I’ve got sum at moe so better than a wig what bugs me is I’ve always bleach my hair and now not allowed my hair is so dark dyes don’t really work I hate it it makes look so dif never been dark hate it so I know how you feel but I spose in sum ways we got to be lucky it’s grown at all some plp don’t gd luck be strong it will change just kp trimming it Laura

5

SCACO you rant away!!! No apologies required on here. I thought losing my hair wasn’t such a big deal at the time but now 1 year later it is a fine grey frizz that grows vertically. So with that, new thick varifocal glasses, a huge midriff etc I don’t recognise myself at all. I get sad about it some days. I am thinking of smashing all the mirrors in the house but I reckon I’ve had enough bad luck as it is. Hope you feel better after a good rant. I always do. :slight_smile: x

6

Hi SCACO rant away, I completely understand - there has to be a last straw somewhere, and just when you want to get life back to normal this is such an annoying reminder. I too am avoiding mirrors like the plague at the moment, as losing weight is proving to be much more difficult that I had hoped, and my hair seems to be only growing at the back - my fringe is still only around an inch long!

x

7

Hey, you rant away!
I totally hear you with everything you are saying, it all sucks big time!
This time last year, my hair was exactly the same as what you are describing. I had lost my lovely thick lustrous hair that was my pride and joy. It was replaced with short curly dark/grey stuff, that i HATED - REALLY HATED. Every morning i would cry, i hated it so much, it just wasn’t me at all!
Another year later (well in 19 months of hair growth in total, i can just about accept it. It is nothing like it was, muhc thinner,and i am taking every vitamim under the sun to boost its growth and texture)

My breast, which was not amazing to look at, but was real and mine and in proportion with the rest of my body, has been replaced with an implant and muscle. I won’t go on anbout that, because my journey to even get it has been so stormy and i don’t want to hijack your thread.

What can i say, except do rant away on here, i do all of the time.

Naz xx

8

Hi SCACO,

Thank you for giving a voice to us all - still only on fourth FEC and I check every morning for some hair growth. So far I’ve managed a tiny pure white fuzz and since I’ve dyed my hair to its original dark brown forever, the world will be fairly shocked by the old lady I will turn into after this.

When my hair first departed I took one look at my granny’s face in the mirror, caught sight of my unreconstructed breast and then put on clothes and my wig and went downstairs and ordered my OH to leave because I was a monster.

He’s still here, possibly because he has never caught even a glimpse of either disfigurement - nor has he asked to see. I’ve had my cry about that, but hey-ho you can’t have everything. He feeds me and takes care of me.

You are obviously young and you will get your waist back I promise. I have several good friends who have battled with cancer and chemo and they all have the hair they used to have back again.I may never have shoulder length brown hair again but I’m sure going to give it a try!
For now, why not try a trim that will make the curls more wavy and soft(hopefully) and experiment with little narrow scarves or hairbands to keep it under control.

I’m sure that your rant has done you good and it’s best to do it here in a safe place.

You may not be your old self but you are beautiful and I hope you have someone who can tell you that every single day.

We’re all stronger than we ever knew but meltdowns are allowed when you’re here with the people who understand. Smile at the ones who don’t - we were all that foolish once.
Hugs from one wise woman to another.
Love,
Kathleen

9

lmfao@ Zippy!
All jokes aside, I had a trim in december and my hair looked lovely. It’s growing like wildfire again and the devil in me wants to keep it, but i’m also looking like a sheep so really not sure…

10

Rant away staycalmandcarryon, you are allowed to YEAH!!!
That’s why this forum is so good, hope you feel a little calmer now xx

11

Thanks to All.

Well, how bizarre! I’ve been moaning about my hair for ages and haven’t posted for a while, but today a complete stranger (male) turned to me in a queue and said, “Your hair is lovely!”
No, he didn’t have a guide dog.

I guess I need to take a reality check. It’s come back thick and virtually black, with very few grey hairs. It’s just the bushyness that I can’t stand. But there you go, maybe it’s not so bad after all!

Xxxx

12

I soooo know how you feel SCACO.

My only advice would be to stop trying to grow your hair for the moment (whilst it is still curly and rebellious). Get it cut shorter, like this perhaps celebrityhairstylesnews.com/veryshorthairstyles/alyssamilano.jpg

Eventually your hair will recover from chemo, and will grow straighter, then you can let it grow longer. But don’t put up with the Leo Sayer look until then.

I have done the Jackson 5 look, Leo Sayer and more recently HRH Queen Elizabeth II (god help me). So for now, to avoid the electrified sheep look, I’m keeping mine super short.

EDIT, my avatar piccie was taken sometime before I had it chopped.

13

Ironic isn’t it? A mega-rant from Staycalmandcarryon - I had to laugh when I read it 'cos you are so correct. No matter how positive we try and remain the person in the mirror looks a wreck. Maybe we need to remind ourselves that we are more than just an outer body - we are a person inside who is simply inhabiting this alien being for a while and the real me will emerge from this chrysalis in time.

So until that time, beam me up, Scotty!

14

SCACO, Rant or Voice of Reason, I choose the latter. I continually worry about how other people feel and so put on the brave face and say what I know people want to hear and have a bit of a laugh and joke. If I’m honest I was quite excited when I got a bit of “Owl Fluff” on my head and then the novelty wore off and I realised I look bl@*dy awful. I’m in your gang but I know I’ll keep putting on the brave face 'cos I love my friends and family, thank goodness for you ladies on this site, you keep me sane!! Simone xx

15

Scaco I PROMISE you that your hair will return to its former glory. Mine is now below shoulder length and the Leo Sayer look has departed. It did take around 3 years from the end of chemo and many cuts along the way, but finally last December the last of the “chemo curls” were cut off. I have grown it now MUCH longer than my pre BC hair just to prove I could and also because if, (touch wood it doesn’t happen, but if I have to lose it again) longer wigs are much nicer than short ones I think).

16

I’m with you SCACO!!! I have a grey halo (at the front, not grey at the back), and I also belong to the Jackson 5! I love the photo of the mega short celeb! Not sure I’ve got the features to carry it off! To compound my “look”, my mum used to have curly hair (grey curly hair latterly) and I never have had even a kink in mine. I look in the mirror and my mum looks back at me… I suppose that’s an improvement on just face (no hair), when my granny looked back at me!!! I console myself looking back at the photos I took weekly while it was sprouting (ever so S-L-O-W-L-Y) and think - at least I look like I’ve got hair now! I actually think it probably looked better shorter… I’ll give it a few more weeks and then probably have it chopped off… I looked for a wash-in-wash-out mousse today - no joy… BUT, I did by some conditioner! I’ve been so busy concentrating on thickening shampoo and stuff that I forgot to condition, and that might help the brillo pad!

When we’ve spent almost a year being “brave” and “inspirational” and having a lovely shaped head and so on, I think there are going to be times when it all comes out, perhaps over something “little” (or not!), and that’s a good thing… we have a grief process to get through I think… and if we keep smiling and deny how we REALLY feel, it’ll come and bite us on the bum later…

Love to all, Jane

17

Updated piccy.

Note: Fixed Grin.

xxx

18

Hello SCACO

I think your hair looks good too <ducks quickly=“” to=“” avoid=“” the=“” slap p=“”>

</ducks>

It’s certainly got a curl, but I wouldn’t describe it as Leo Sayer - not nearly fluffy enough! Mine has also grown back with a mind of its own - very wayward at times.

I always used to have dead straight fine hair and longed to have a bit more body in it, (be careful what you wish for?) so I’m not too upset. I know that it will eventually revert and so I’m going to have some fun and try and enjoy what I’ve got now - even if it means I do have to keep my hair shorter.

I can remember in the weeks after my last chemo, when I was scared that it wouldn’t grow back, being asked what I would do if it grew back bright ginger and curly - I said that as long as it grows back, everything else can be dealt with!

I think what does make it hard for some, is that it’s a constant reminder that you’ve been through a traumatic and life changing experience. I don’t need curly hair for that - like you, I’ve got a Babs.

Having said all that, you are perfectly justified in having a rant - and can I come out from behind the sofa now?

Dx

19

Hi SCACO,

You’ve got a proper head of hair not the brilo pad stick up everywhere and curl but just at the back like mine LOL. I went through the fuzzy peach head look for what seemed like ages, now have about 4cm of hair very dark and got some grey in it at the sides, initially just the side’s grew back with no growth on top this made me look like a monk!!! Thankfully the top is now growing although not as much as the sides and its really thick, wavy and wiry. Please don’t apologize for the understandable out burst, you rant away girl all you want get it out of your system that’s what we are all here for we all understand how you feel and why you feel the way you do, so go ahead and vent!

I had waist length hair before this and I am secretly enjoying not having to deal with my hair in the same way I used too when it was long, easy to wash, easy to do, just wake up shake up and I’m off LOL. Funny to think that when I was little my grandma used to put my hair in rags to make it curl up, she would love the new curly haired look I am now sporting. Seriously tho you look fine and dandy to me, this is just a miniscule blip in the whole scheme of things, I promise you.

Sending you lots of love and light
sarahlousie xx

20

OMG i can so relate to you .I feel so guilty everytime i moan about my hair .I only wanted it to have my hair back and like you say on the scale of things its one of the least important things .Dont know why but you do get to a stage when it really DOES matter.
Im not sure if i should say cos you might want to slap me lol but i think you look lovely.Everyone tells me that all the time…Oh you should keep your hair short it really suits you .I even went to get a trim yesterday( not much to trim the pic is not far out ) to get the curly bits out .The hairdresser sort of spiked it ,only to my horror i saw someone who was a customer and she patted my head and told me how CUTE i looked .I don’t think i look cute i hate it!!
Then the real insult was when i went swimming ,i was just putting my shoes on and this little girl said to her mum…Mummy why does that man look like a lady!!!
So go on you rant I’m right with you .I too was brave all the way through treatment and put a smile on my face but i think the real test is when the treatment has finished .
Take care xxx