just been told I have breast cancer

hi, I have just been diagnosed, I am confused and scared and feel i need help, I told my sister and she has said that I should not tell anyone as all it does is make them feel uncomfortable and it should be a private thing just between me and my husband, I feel so alone and I dont know how I should feel, am I making a fuss when I shouldnt

Hi there

So sorry you have had to join us on here but you find that it a wonderful place for support and advice and just somewhere you can let rip without anyone having a go at you.

The first reaction from all of us is terror which isn’t surprising. With me it took ages to get my head round it all. But you do in the end because you have to.

Not sure if I agree with your sister about not telling anyone, yes it is private but people you are close to will know that something isn’t right. I told people I worked with and close family and friends and everyone was supportive. Yes there are people who won’t know what to say to you but if they feel ‘uncomfortable’ then thats their problem not yours.

You are not making a fuss…good god if you can’t make a fuss over this then I don’t know what you can make a fuss over. You are entitled to feel everything you are feeling at the moment and you don’t I repeat DON’T have anything to feel guilty about.

I’m 6 months down the line from diagnosis and yes I do still have black days but I am going back to work on Tuesday for the first time in 5 months so believe me there is life after breast cancer and you will be stronger than you think you can be at the moment.

Let us know how you get on over the next few weeks, everyone on here will help you if they can.

Take care
Phillippa x

Hi

Sorry to hear about your diagnosis.

Your sister seems to have an old fashioned attitude. What you need to think about is what YOU want to do. Do you want to keep it between you and your husband or do you want to tell everyone, or just a chosen few? You don’t even have to decide that yet if you don’t want to, just take your time.

I decided to tell all my family and friends about my diagnosis and then I just told other people as and when the need arose eg if they asked why I was going into hospital etc. If anyone did feel uncomfortable about me telling them I just thought that was their problem. Most people were very supportive - apart from my mum who acted as if nothing was happening to me for some reason!

I found when I told people they usually wanted to tell me about everyone they knew who had cancer. I found that hard because dealing with my own diagnosis was hard enough without me hearing about people I didn’t even know! Some made a few insensitive remarks which upset me at the time but I realise now they didn’t mean it and just didn’t know what to say. So be prepared for that.

Coming on these forums helps.

Good luck with everything.

Love
Maude xx

Hi, welcome here and sorry, too, you have to face the diagnosis of BC. This is not the time to please other people and be considerate of their feelings, but to make sure you are well looked after and cared for physically and emotionally. For me, I could not deal with this on my own. I told family and close friends and now that I have just started chemo and my hair is gone it is obvious to everyone else that I am having cancer treatment. We have done nothing wrong and do not need to hide!
There are lots of good information leaflets on this website and you can call the helpline, too, if you need someone to talk to. But only you know whats right for you, not your sister or anyone else!
Sending you a warm hug. Tinaxxx

I just want to echo what the others have said.
Your sister - with respect - is talking out of the dark ages. She is very wrong.
There are 45,000 women diagnosed with this each year and there must be hundreds of thousands of women in this country who are living having had a breast cancer diagnosis.
The thing I have found is that since diagnosis I have spoken freely about it and pretty much everyone I know (and I am not exaggerating here) knows someone in their life who has had breast cancer. This disease is everywhere and people are generally pretty understanding and sensitive.
You have nothing to be ashamed of, you are not making a fuss! You have everything to gain from participating in forums like this and from local support groups.
Please don’t try to do this all by yourself - because you really don’t have to.
All the best. xx

Hi kcsgran

I’m so sorry you had to join us but this is a great place for support and info. How you are feeling now is completely normal but it will get better, i promise. I think your sister means that SHE will find it hard to deal with. Personally, I told everyone, cos I thought it was easier than having them pussyfooting around me!

Julia xx

Hi There

You’ll find this website is fantastic for support and advice and anytime you just need a rant!

As for your sister, I think you should ignore her advice, and do what is right for you. There is no right or wrong way to deal with bc, just whatever is best for YOU, if it makes other people uncomfortable, then so what? You are the one having to deal with this - so deal with it as best you can, in a way that works for you.

I chose to tell all my friends family and work collegues within the first few days of dx, I was still trying to get my own head around it and for me personally it helped saying it out loud. The first few times I said the words breast cancer I would instantly tear up and lip would tremble, and cry! That soon got easier, i’m still in early stages of treatment and as everyone now knows, there are no expectations of me, and everyday is a little easier to get through.

I’m sure your loved ones would rather know, and be able to support you, rather than finding out later that you did it alone.

Just do what is best for you.
Take Care, keep in touch, Carly x

It is entirely up to YOU who you tell and when. If other folk are uncomfortable then that’s when you find out who are your real friends! You are probably reeling with shock just now and think we can all sympathise. If you don’t want to tell people face-to-face you could ask your husband or a relative to 'phone them or send out an email containing the basic facts.

The initial feeling when you are first diagnosed generally means your head is all over the place but once you have a treatment plan and start ‘doing’ something then you will find it easier to cope. This site is a great place to come for help and support.

Good luck with your treatment.
AlexG

Hi,

Sorry about your diagnosis, but welcome to the site.

From my own experience, I didn’t want to tell others initially because I didn’t want to worry them unnecessary or upset them. So went to my initial scans and tests myself. When the results came back as positive and just before my treatment started, I found it a bit too much to deal with on my own and told a few close friends and family members. As a result of it, the news went wild and I got lots of uninvited helps which upset me a great deal. Looking back, it’s just the panic and helplessness people they felt on hearing the shocking news.

They are settling down now and have given me lots of needed support and practical help and are continuing to do so. I have to say that I don’t think I can continue this journey on my own.

Take care x

Hi kcsgran,
When l was diagnosed in February, l told everyone l knew, even though most was said through tears, l find it so much easier when things are out in the open. This is going to be your ‘journey’ so you need to work your own plan of action, if it helps to tell, then tell, people will feel very sorry for you and a lot of sadness, but l have not found any family or friends to have thought this ‘awkward’
We are here when you want to talk about your diagnosis, there will be many others who have the same breast cancer as you and can help you along the way
Take Care
Sandra

Hi,

I agree with the general view that it’s up to YOU whom you tell. Personally I told family, close friends and a small number of less close friends who for various reasons I knew I’d be seeing very regularly. The rationale was they’d soon spot something was “up” and I’d rather the news came from me than gathered from the grapevine.

I have to say the amount of support I’ve received since my diagnosis last summer has been touching, overwhelming and above all essential. I have a young family and needed practical help with my children, for example. My friends put themselves out for me and I won’t forget it. Socially too it’s better that your close friends know - you feel less alone even if none of them has gone through a similar crisis.

I’m not normally a “needy” sort of person, but honestly, let some of your friends know and I’m sure you’ll feel better for it.

Hi Kcsgran
Again, Id like to echo the (excellent as usual)comments from my fellow members of the BC club. Whats right for you and your loved ones is all that counts.
You need to think about how you will deal with everyone who knows-sometimes their reactions can be difficult and a bit like your sister, they sometimes react in unhelpful ways.
In general though, I have found those who love and care for you will accept your ways of coping-whether it be tears,fears or amazing strength.
Its only when you’ll look back that you will see it can be a ‘do-able’ journey, so take care and as I was first told on here-be kind to yourself
Cathie xx

I had to write and thank all of those kind and lovely people who have posted a comment, I have had a good cry, I have never felt so alone and vunerable and your comments and advice have helped me a lot,I have always been very indipendant and tried to work things out for myself, this is why I am finding this so hard, you are all angels God Bless you all

Hi Kcsgran.
I was diagnosed in feb and kept things to myself for a while only telling my husband at first, as my family and I were going through a bereavement and i didn’t think they could cope with anymore bad news.
I found that keeping it to myself was making me more depressed…I’m glad I decided to tell family and friends…it was easier for me to deal with my diagnosis once I had confided in people.
The amount of support you receive is unbelievable…I don’t think i could have got through the las few weeks without their support.
Listen to your heart and you decide who to tell…like everyone else has said if anyone can’t deal with your dx, it is their problem not yours.
Good Luck with whatever you decide and for he future
Chris xx

Hi Kcsgran

I told my parents straight away, and then slowly told most good friends and family.

I put myself in their shoes - how would I feel if a close friend was going through this and didn’t tell me? I think I would be quite upset, and would wonder why they didn’t feel able to talk to me.

Its true what the others said, some people doe not react very well at first, and that can be hard for you. However they usually felt bad about that and soon after were ver supportive and kind - it’s just the initial shock.

god luck with your journey and treatment
Sarah

Hello kcs gran,
I know how you feel at present as I was diagnosed last week and have an operation next week, it feels very scary! I have found it easier to tell friends,family and workmates outright and be upfront about it. If they are uncomfortable about it then that is their problem.
I must say that up to now I am recieving great support, but I dont really want to bother them in case they think i’m just moaning!This is the first comment I have written but I have been watching this site for a couple of days now and I think we may find that we can all bring eachother a bit of support in the days and months ahead,Best wishes and good luck,
Izzy (also a gran!)

Hi kcsgran and izzypal

Welcome to the forums where i am sure you will continue to receive lots of support and shared experiences from your fellow users. In addition, I have posted a link below to our new resource pack which you may find helpful, it has been designed for those newly diagnosed, just click on the link to access the order form. You can also order more information publications on the same page by clicking on the links under the ‘quick order list’.

breastcancercare.org.uk/healthcare-professionals/publications/quick-order-list/*/changeTemplate/PublicationDisplay/publicationId/82/

If you would like to speak to someone in confidence please do call our helpline on 0808 800 6000, the line is open weekdays 9-5 and Sat 9-2, our team of specialist nurses and trained helpliners can offer you further support and information. Hope this helps.

Best wishes
Lucy

Thanks for your help Lucy I’m sure that the support you bring to people on this website is invaluable, i’ll keep in touch.
Izzy

I think your sister probably loves you very much and is blanking out your diagnosis as a way for her to cope with news about someone she loves, but it must have been terribly hard for you to open up to her as one of your first talks about this , and then have her clamp down and make you feel bad for overreacting.

I had no choice but to tell people as i couldn’t function and it was written all over me. I was frozen, terrified and just looked harrowed. People have been lovely to me and offers of help have flooded in, though as someone else has already said, some of the help made me feel like an ill patient and as if i was on the side lines of my life. I told my family and close friends straight away ( they were all waiting to hear from me after my hospital visit anyway), and have had to tell my childrens schools, their friends parents and a select few work colleagues who i class as friends ( I am on a career break to bring up my children so don’t see them much at the moment).

For me this is private but i am having to tell more people as and when, for example i have just had my first chemo and you cant hide the district nurse walking up your path with a sharps bin 5 days on the run. But you seem like someone who would want to share this very scary time by the very fact you have come on here.

Be kind to yourself and take support from everywhere you can

xxxxxx

Hi kcsgran,
Sorry that you have found yourself here but I know that you will find the most incredible people here that you may ever ‘meet’. I know that when I was diagnosed in march I was scared, confused, in denial and didn’t even know how to react.
I let my head and body take over, I told everyone I knew as soon as I could, this helped me to talk about it, come to terms with it myself and create a back up system of help which, even though I am and have been fit and healthy since diagnonsis (even through my recent op) I have needed them for things such as lifts and company for the many appointments you may have to go to at first.
Follow your own instincts hun, and do whatever you have to do, this is your life, your journey and everyone ellse will still be there behing you and at the side of you no matter what.
Good Luck and keep in touch
Hugs Sue xx