Was not quite sure where to post this and still in a daze.
Have not really posted for a while. History as follows - dx grade 3 ductal ca July 07 - had chemo, mast and rads, 7 nodes removed all clear.
Found a swelling under same arm 7th Aug, 2 days later, went to Bulgaria with daughter, managed to put to back of mind. Saw about it when I came home - long and short of it, had FNA today which confirmed the 2 enlarged lymph nodes seen on u/s are cancer. I am absolutely numb, shocked and dont know what to think.
I dont know where I am going to get the fight from to get through this as have had a bad 3 years with other family stuff - illness and death. I feel completly and utterly defeated and cannot see a future.
Have just felt 2 months ago that I finally got my life back on track, and was so looking forward to the future, was so positive and upbeat and yet again I have been shit upon.
Sorry if this is all doom and gloom but this is how I feel. Going in to get full node clearance next Tuesday, but until I get results of that and chest x ray, bloods and bone scan, life is yet again in turmoil and that awful waiting game.
This is probably all waffle, but I am in such shock that I dont know what to do.
I’m sorry to read you’re having such a tough time. Whilst you are waiting for your fellow users to reply with their advice and experiences it may help to talk to someone about how you are feeling. Please give the helpline a call and talk to one of the specially trained members of staff. Here you can share your fears and concerns with someone who will offer you a listening ear as well as support and advice if required. The number is free phone 0808 800 6000 and the line is open Monday to Friday 9am to 5pm and Saturdays 9am to 2pm.
So sorry to hear your news. I am not in the same situation but I too had a year from hell last year. DX at 38 then my Mother died suddenly of a heart attack aged 61. I of course blame my DX on her death maybe the stress of it all. I have had a few scares on the way like a shadow on the lung etc and I remained remarkably calm, a kind of numb acceptance .
Anyway you sound like a tough cookie and I,m sure that you will fight this. Sending you cyber hugs. I,m sure that lots of messages will follow.
Lots of love
Andrea xx
Hi sparkler.Sitting here feeling gutted for you.It is all our worst nightmares come true.We try and convince ourselves that we have got rid of this horrible cancer and it is so hard when we only have check ups every now and then.Dont know about you but i wish i could go to the doctor everyday for a check up!! Thank goodness you were very aware and got it checked out.Thinking of you and fingers crossed you caught it at early stages. Gill
So sorry to hear your news, but well done for finding it so quickly. I’m sure you’ll feel better once you’ve had the surgery and path result and know exactly what you are dealing with.
Still walking about in a daze. Just home from having a bone scan. Bloods and chest x ray are clear so fingers crossed the little sod has not spread any further. It will be a tortuous couple of weeks waiting to find out if this is leftover from the old cancer (which would be the better option), or if its a brand new cancer. I just feel sick with worry.
Right now I am waiting for my 15 yr old daughter to c ome home from school to tell her as she has been at her dads. She knows nothing of what I found a couple of weeks ago as I did not see the point in her worrying if there was nothing to worry about (and I know she would prefer it that way). I just want to protect her from this but of course I cannot.
I’m not surprised you feel like you can’t face it… but you know you can… You already did. You’re still here right now and will cope somehow again. Like everyone else here you’re stronger than you feel but I am really sorry that you need to be. It’s a real b***er to say the least.
Glad the scans are clear. Here’s hoping it’s just a few rogue cells that got ideas above their stations that will now be nuked once and for all.
Sorry to hear of your situation, I hope your daughter took the news well.
Your post sounds similar to one of mine a made almost two years ago. I had a recurrence in the lymphnodes a year to the day I was first dx’d. I have always found my own lumps so I think I know what you felt when you felt your lump under the arm.
Yes I found the second time round more difficult to deal with. There are some days that things will appear darker, that’s part of the territory I suppose.
I continue to have treatment and three years down the line I am getting a little tired of it all but I have many more up days than down. I guess I ought to be grateful I get the treatment.
I expect you will feel like you do until you know exactly what treatment plan is ahead of you. Its hard to hang on to this thought but you will bounce back again soon, just don’t be too hard on yourself.
I hope you will soon be able to say ‘Sparkler by name Sparkler by nature’
Carol - thank you also. Can I ask what kind of treatment you are still getting and was it just found in your lymph nodes and how many?
My daughter was obviously upset - as expected and when she went quiet, and I said to her say something - she said “bugg*r” - I let her off with that one under the circumstance. She is quite deep and is now away out with her mates and boyfriend, so will no doubt speak to them about it.
Right now I sure dont live up to the name of sparkler, but as you say carol - hope one day soon I will again.
So sorry to hear that you are starting on the BC treadmill again. Hope you are not too long before you know what the plan is … as we always say the waiting is unbearable at times. And I agree with your daugher ‘bugg*r’ is fairly appropriate.
Sorry to hear your news Sparkler. BC is such a bugg*r, your daughter is right. Glad that your bloods and chest are clear, fingers crossed for your bone scan too. Here’s hoping you’ve found it early and that you know the score soon - the waiting really is the pits. Hope your daughter continues to handle this news ok - good that she’s got mates to chat it through with. How about you though; will you be able to chat it through with your mates too? Hope you’re bearing up ok.
Take care, big hugs to you just now,
Ax
I have got very good friends to talk things through. My bc nurse has also become a friend and is absolutely brilliant - I can talk to her too and she is completely honest with me. I also just finished counselling a few weeks ago - and know her door is open to me if I need it again. Just when I thought I had got my life/head back on track, I get the feet kicked from under me again. Every knock over the past couple of years, I keep saying I dont know if I can take any more. For my daughters and dads sakes tho, I know I will have to find the strength from somewhere.
At least since the counselling, I can talk more openly about my feelings now, and I notice a big difference in doing so. Before counselling, I was such a closed book. This time I have cried, accepted help, cuddles, and cried some more. Thats a big thing for me.
Hi F, Glad to hear you’ve got lots of good friends around you; you certainly need them at times like this. Good too that you’ve learned to open up - I certainly find it helps talking about things, and this site has been a godsend. You do have strength to get through this - you’ve proven that already. Hope you’re sparkling again soon.
Yep I’m from Scotland - NE to be precise. Are you a fellow Scot? It was a lovely sunny day here today - that always makes me smile, however crap I feel inside
Ax
I had Right BC in Nov 2005 and had mastectomy and right side lymph node clearanceDec2005 then chemo&radiotherapy during from Jan 2006 to Sep2006.I then managed to go back to work for a 1 year but on my Jan2008 mammogram, i had shadows on my left side and then diagnosed again of Breast cancer.Yes, this time round, i felt cheated as i had my routines again and enjoying life, had my confidence back but it seemed, its round 2 of full treatments yet again.In the beginning I felt sad but then i pick myself up and said,I survived the first round of treatments,…well I can do it again with more positive attitude and very good support network. I had left lumpectomy with full lymph node clearnace (taken 31 with 19cancerous) on 1April08 and currently having Chemo,now on my 3rd cycle.I was on Taxotere first but had allergic reaction so now they changed over to Taxol(Paclitaxel) weekly,3wks on and 1 wks off.I am having my 1st session of 3 for the 4th cycle/month tomorrow 3sep08,so halfway there and will aso be referred for Radiotherapy soon approximately for end of year.
I also had lots of scans this time round,MRI,Ct and bonescans and so far,they seem acceptable.So now,continuing with chemo…
Good luck on your new journey so to speak.I hope your new regime work for you.We can get through this…Also, i am also a triple negative as I now understood clearly that there is more chance of early recurrence and no hormone therapy apllicable,hence only chemo and radiotherpay for treatments.
What regime will you be if you dont mind me asking?
Its me again…I forgot…on both occasions, i found both my lumps or swelling underarm…
In a way,it is good to be self checking and that treatment is available.
Sorry your having to go through it all again, but glad to hear your feeling ‘ok’ about it - as ok as you can. I dont know if I will be getting any other treatment other than full node clearance. It will depend on if this is the same cancer as my original, or if its a new cancer, and if there are more nodes affected. It will be a couple of weeks till I find out. My bc nurse said I will def not be getting rads to under arm as this increases chances of lympodema greatly. Just this waiting game again. I too am triple neg!!
i hope for your better results in 2 weeks time. I had my chemo today and it is manageable.Now i found another triple negs.Radiotherapy referral is in progress as from Monday’s clinic(1sep) by my Oncologist.I will surely ask the question as regards radiotherapy and lymphodoema relations.Normally the first appointment is a discussion amd mapping,so thanks for that thought.it is worth putting in the discussion.
Believe me, you will always find within you the strength and courage when you least expect .It is normla to feel anxious or scared at first.The way I get through this is to accept the facts put to me,research and ask questions that i feel relevant…im a sort of person that wants to know how it happens and what treatments available…dont get me wrong,i have fearda and concerns too when im bymyself …i do wonder too but i feel i always bounce back with the support around me and aslo from this site.I learn a lot having joined the froum.At the end of the day we can be given lots of opinions and suggestion.even guidance…the ;ast decision of what is right and comfortable will be with us knowing the risks.At least we have somthing to base our decisions on…Good luck.It always good to have other point of views to consider.
Apologies for typing errors…a bit doppy and arms are tingling as side effects of Taxol(Paclitaxel).
Im glad you had a break in Bulgaria…i was thinking of having a break but thought of my hickman line…well,i will just purseu my treatments then have a break between chemo and radiotherapy all things permitting.
