I have written my cancer story before when I told about my husband being diagnosed with terminal stomach cancer in February 22 and me diagnosed with breast cancer in June. I had a mastectomy and was told there was no sign of cancer about a year later. My husband died 10 months after his diagnosis. I coped well with my cancer as I was so concerned about my husband and how he suffered at the end at home. He was a very strong minded man who liked to be in control of his life. His last few weeks were so undignified and humiliating for him and I know how he hated me and our children seeing him like this.
Now after being referred to a pain management clinic after suffering pains just about everywhere, including back and knees, following lots of scans I have just received a letter saying I have highly suspicious mets on vertebrae , two suspicious lesions in sternum and acetabulum on left hip. There are other tiny nodules on pleura , left and right lobe areas which are not commented about suggestive of mets.
I am 84 and can accept dying but what I am so very anxious about is that I become helpless and lose all my dignity , relying on my son and daughter so they have to go through it all again 18 months after my husband died.
I know they willingly will look after me but I really, really don’t want them and my grandchildren to see me as this hopeless, helpless old lady. I am sure this is not sounding good but it is how I feel. My daughter is away on holiday at the moment and she does not know about the last diagnosis and I am dreading telling her. My son lives a long way away and offered to come straight away . I told him to wait as I may need him later as apart from being emotional I am ok. I wonder if others have just received a letter telling the news. I wonder if it would have been better to hear it face to face and accompanied by my daughter.
I don’t have any answers for you I’m afraid but just wanted to reach out and say how sorry I am to hear of what you’ve been through. I think it’s unacceptable for the hospital to send a letter to you with that information in - you absolutely should have been told in person. I wish you all the best, Emma x
Thank you so much for your reply. I am upset about everything but the fact that I was on my own when I received the letter made things worse. My daughter has just rung she is back from holiday. She is upset now but gone into action and will be with me soon . Thank god for wonderful children. X
I’m amazed they can treat a person like this and if not face to face a least a phone call.
You have my sympathy.
I know it’s easier said than done but don’t compare your husband treatment. He had a different cancer and also a different body. I’m 74 and also have it in the bones. Pelvis fractured last year, don’t know why. Sternum fractured after a fall and now 3 fractures in my spine. So after 7 years i will be getting additional treatments, to be discussed. Be proud of yourself and stay fighting. Good luck for the future x
Dear @Coralmary I do remember your previous posts and I’m desperately sorry to see you back here again with such challenging news. I just wanted to say two quick things.
Firstly, it is shameful of your health providers to have informed you of these changes in this way. I find it unbelievably callous and I think a follow up from you, not necessarily in the form of a complaint, although it warrants a complaint, but to give them feedback on the impact it has had on you so that such a traumatic event doesn’t happen to anyone else in the future.
Secondly, I became a carer for my mother in her late eighties when she developed dementia. I can assure you, her condition caused many events that her pre-dementia self would have been mortified about me seeing and being involved in. But I could not have looked at myself in the mirror if I had not done EVERYTHING in my power to care for her and support her through the most difficult time of her life. If your children want to do the same for you, please let them because it will be important in the years to come for them to know they did their best for their beloved Mum.
Oh dear your lovely message made me cry. I think you expressed the need and wish to care for your mother so movingly. I have written about seven different sentences trying to analyse the way I feel about being old and helpless. I have deleted each one as they do not convey my meaning. I just think that you have given me food for thought and I will spend some time with that. Thank you. Xxx
I am so sorry you have received such bad news, it’s something I worry about all the time, but we have no control over. I’m sure your family care enough about you to do everything they can to help you, as we would for our children. My thoughts are with you.
Thank you for your nice message. You are right it is something we have no control of whatsoever My lovely daughter is back from holiday and as usual she has swept me up and made my world more stable. Nothing seems so bad now and I know we ,together with my lovely son , will cope with whatever comes. I am lucky to have them .i am trying to think more positively for their sake as well as mine. Xxxx
Thank you for your inspirational message. I realise now that I was feeling so sorry for myself when I wrote my message. I am not usually so negative. My daughter is back home and everything seems so much better. My children are great and ,of course , insist I am not a burden or nuisance so I must stay fighting and be proud of myself as you say. Thank you xxx
Hello
Bless you
Such awful news delivered without any thought of the impact
Please complain and give honest feedback otherwise they wont consider changing their approach or process , perhaps too clinical rather than being empathetic and change only happens if we voice our concerns and communicate back!
You absolutely will get family and friends supporting you and of course when you get back into the system the relevant hospital team supporting you but for now just be you, spend time doing what you love and don’t think or overthink what tomorrow or next week will bring, one day at a time
Blessings and virtual hugs sent your way xx
My dear Coralmary,
I’m feeling extremely sad and cross to read you thank god you have such wonderful children who are there to listen and look after you?
Sorry I pressed the button to early,
Please speak to your breast cancer team when you feel ready, and I feel this is a different department from your consultant letter, they will be helpful, kind and considerate.
Wishing you and your children, lots of peace and happiness together.
With the biggest hugs Tili 
Thanks for sharing your feelings and expressing what I imagine many of us feel at times when getting bad news. I also don’t like to bother my children but have realised I can’t do this alone. Also, they want to share in this journey with me and provide support. It’s the same with my friends, some really want to help and I’ve found it’s better to ask and accept help. So glad your family are there for you! xx
Thank you for your kind words. I have now got an appointment with the GP ( not for two weeks ) after I did an e-consult saying how distressed I was. We did contact the breast cancer team but I have not received a call back . I am feeling better now and realise I just have to push and ask for help and accept any offers of help. When I posted my message I was feeling unusually down and from the replies I had I realise just how kind and thoughtful my fellow cancer sufferers are . Xx
Thank you so much for your lovely message. I will complain and hope that it doesn’t happen to anyone else. It was horrible especially as I was on my own. I live alone but in easy reach of my daughter and family usually. I have
Spent the last two days with them and been really spoilt. So I am thanking my blessings and trying not to think about all the other things. Xxx
Please let us know how you get on with the GP and especially with the cancer specialists if you can bear to @Coralmary as many of us are invested in your story. Things will start to become clear when you get a clear diagnosis and treatment plan. In the meantime, immerse yourself in the care of your lovely family.
Hi I certainly will let you know how I get on. I am feeling so much more positive knowing how many know just how I feel . I am certain so many others have had similar experiences and they get through them one way or another. Thank you xxxx
So sorry to read that you received such troubling news in such an offhand and impersonal way. I fully understand your concerns about losing your dignity if your family have to care for you at end of life. May I suggest that you research what hospices are local to you? I am an outpatient at St Gemma’s Hospice in Leeds and one of the things they covered when I first met my key worker nurse at the hospice (who visited me at home) was how I would like to be cared for and by whom when it came to being more reliant on others. This was part of my advance care planning, an important step to record what you want at the end. St Gemma’s, as I’m sure is the case for other hospices, offer alternatives to being cared for by family (if that’s something you’d prefer to avoid). They can offer hospice care in your own home or at their hospice itself. For me, this means that the time I spend with my family at the end will be about just that, spending quality and meaningful time with them, not having them see me lose my dignity or reduced to relying on loved ones for my personal care. Having said all that, I’m sure that your family would have no hesitation in caring for you… for them it could be a great act of love that helps them adjust to what is happening. But your wishes are what is most important; having a sense of control over your future can be very liberating and removes some of the stress and worry.
Dear Coral,
You have been through so much, with great courage. Like Emma, I think it was heartless giving you this news by letter, If you have the energy and fortitude, maybe complain via your local Patient Liaison office, as they should help you make your feelings heard to the team. The team should learn, although it’s quite likely to have been a mistake rather than deliberate. That doesn’t help you, of course. You are not alone in worrying about your dignity, we all do. I lost my father like this, but rest assured it will help your children to feel that they are doing what they can. It will also distract them, when they need distraction most. My (quite religious) grandmother died telling me that it ‘was all a test’, and ‘part of the process of learning in this life is to learn how to release your dignity’. My mother recently said something similar: that we all have to learn acceptance. I hope that helps. Take your time for yourself. Maybe there is a way, through reading, music, or art or meditation, that you can find your way towards peace. It’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do, of course. Thoughts are with you.
I have written about my cancer story and the latest is about receiving lots of messages about suspicious and then highly suspicious signs of mets in the spine, sternum and femur . I felt bombarded with unsettling and upsetting news without any human contact. I have had an appointment today with the Oncologist who spelt out to me the treatment available to me after being diagnosed with Secondary Breast Cancer in the bone. I didn’t appreciate just how much better you feel once the treatment plan is explained to you and how less frightening it all seems. I have read so many times on this forum that it would help to calm the fears but I was sceptical. Although I know I have a lot ahead of me I now feel there is still hope for treatment which can control and slow down the spread of cancer although I know there is no cure. I am hoping I will sleep tonight as I have had a few sleepless ones. As I knew she would be, my daughter has been so supportive and when she returned from holiday and was told I had all the messages with bad news , she turned my world back on its axis and made things seem so much easier. Good vibes for everyone going through cancer
